[charlajustin]

Is it normal to think maybe, I asked for it? Is it normal to say at the time I liked it?

I mean at least somone was showing me love, affection, attention. I so desperately craved. I know I was only a little kid. It didn't bother me then, at least thats what I remember. That it didn't bother me and I liked it. I didn't like what they made me do with my brother. But, if I did that, it made them happy. And why would I tell myself for so many years that I am ok with what happened and its the past it is behind me. When deep down inside i feel like it affects every part of my being. But, I still pretend its ok.

I don't deserve everything I have. I just don't deserve it.

[biplol]

((((charla))))) Hon, I can't tell you, I have no idea if i was abused or not, but I can tell you one thing. That wasn't love, that wasn't was a little girl was supose to know.
You are loved now, we really care here, Hang in there hon.
PM me if you need anything~

[lenjan]

That's what I feel like too. I have no idea if it's normal or not, but I responded, so on some level I must have liked it, right?

As I am finding out in spades at the moment, no matter how well you think you've dealt with it -- it comes back to bite you.

((hugs)) if OK.

Candy

[charlajustin]

I just want it all to go away and stay there.

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are doing well at this time. Maybe at the age that everything happened, you were not really aware of the dangers of what was happening to you, mentally and physically. Now that you are older ,you are analyzing why you felt no remourse at that time, at that young of an age. You are I feel ,trying to feel that you liked what was going on to end the situaiton,. In other words you are trying to make a closure to the situation. I feel that you were too young to really realize what was going on, and not that you liked the situation you just were too young to know what was happening at that time. There is a difference. I hope you do find closure for your situation, and you dont try to spend too much time analyzing the situation, if you do not need to at this time. Take care sincerely Soidhonia

[FaithisAlive]

You didn't know then what you know now about it.... sexual stuff is adult stuff... not child stuff...and being needy, of course, you enjoyed the attention and "affection" you got...

Our bodies are meant to enjoy touch.. good touch.. loving touches....but its for grownups to experience... it only cause confusion for children...

Of course you are struggling with this now because it is time for you to heal from the pain it has caused you... now you can FEEL the emotions that go along with being sexually abused...because as a child, you couldn't handle those feelings...

now you understand the betrayal and the sick minded people who abused you...and it hurts...

i'm sorry you are having such a hard time with it... but stay with this.. you will find your way to being healed... and you can take control of your life and make it anything you want it to be...Faith

[charlajustin]

I can't for the life of me remember my exact age. I can remember being in pre-school, kindergarten, and first grade. I can remember it was my baby sitters during those years. I had two different ones. I can remember every detail of what happened each and every time. I can remember what they looked like down to the last mole. I can remember one of them bringing his friends over to join in. I can remember my parents being totally oblivious to what was going on. They didn't know till I finally told them at the age of 18. My mother looked me in the eyes and told me I didn't know what I was talking about ( she has since then apologized but, not wanted to talk about it. My father barely acknowledged it happened. I have never asked my brother if he remembers. Because, they hurt him too. But, when they were done with him they locked him outside and made me stay in.

I am 35 years old and it still continues to effect me. It made for a very screwed up life so far. And that is only part of what i will allow myself to deal with so far from my past. The rest will have to wait its turn.

I know finding this place, coming here and reading everything and posting is helping me. I just wished it was all a bad dream. I know it has to get better. It can't possibly get any worse. Because, I have finally admitted to myself and even my husband I can't deal with it all anymore and need help.

thank you all for being here and being supportive. It truly is appreciated and needed at this time in my life more than any other time. You are all very decent and kind hearted people whether you believe it or not.

[imere2help]

hi, im sorry to hear what you went through as a child it must of bin terrible.
i was abused til i woz 14 n i carry it with me everyday n i feel it everyday. and thats just something we have to deal with u will feel it for the rest of your life.
its hard but u can do it if ur strong enough to survive ur strong enough to carry on.
you deserve all the happiness the world can offer.
i hope you are ok!

' the light mite dimmer somrtimes but it never dissapears'

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
charlajustin said:
Is it normal to think maybe, I asked for it? Is it normal to say at the time I liked it?

I mean at least somone was showing me love, affection, attention. I so desperately craved.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

YES.................. it is normal to think and feel that we deserved what we got as we were abused as a child... and even more so when the adults around you remind you that it is your fault.

And YES.............. it is normal to think that you enjoyed the attention that you received from an adult when they were abusing you, for now you were being noticed and maybe even loved (at least in a childs mind) - but then we all grow up and it hits us like a ton of bricks....we were sexually abused and some times even tortured, not loved.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( COMFORT ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( PRAYING ))))))) ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

.... I feel your pain - I live your pain -

[hillbunnyb]

abuse turns "normal" into something else...... our normal is from another world, so to speak..... you survived, you are healing, hang in there and keep breathing those deep shake it off breaths if you get into judgemental self talk. . .
)))))))))charlajustin((((((((((

[hope71]

I have recently been going through some of the same "questions" with myself. I think about how "he" made me feel special, how I was "his" number one!! My mom showed me love, and was a great mom, but she had other things that sometimes took priority over me; I also had my grandparents, with whom I spent a considerable amount of time, but they too had other things to tend to."He", however, always made me #1. (Unless of course I did not "satisfy" him, or when I got older and started to resist)
My point is, I believe, IT IS NORMAL. It's not the "act" we desire at all, it's the acceptance, love, and attention we crave.
Hope this isn't upsetting and hope it helps, at least a little bit.

[mrb020377]

I know the feelings you are talking about all too well.. I have days when I try to pretend it didnt happen. I have days when I am angry that it happened. I even have days when I think back and tell myself well you dummy you let him to do it.. You even liked it!!!! I feel like a horrible person because at the time I did like it!! my bpdy was responding to what was going on and it liked it.... But being where I am now, an adult, I feel dirty and nasty when I think back on it! At times I feel like a litte "*****".

I am sorry that you too know these feelings. I am here for you if you ever need some one to listen to you!!