can u forgive???????

didnt want to take over freewills posting
but it sparked a question for me
is it possible to forgive and what the hell does that mean
to me ive always said NO
that it was never going to be acceptable
(that my father abused me)
im interested to know what others think

are you able to even consider forgiving ur abuser?

is forgiveness part of healing? since we need some sort of acceptance to move forward.. is the ultimate accepting the abuser... is it making excuses for their behaviour...

im so lost on this
help

I forgive pretty easily. I forgave my mothers 5.5 years ago as she was days away from succumbing to lung cancer. I think I did it for her peace of mind. But, that really doesn't matter. I did it, and I think thats a great thing!


Hugs,
Dee

Cant say I have ........ No.

Tough question - some will tell you that you need to forgive in order to heal and others will say you don't.

I try not to think about it anymore. I don't believe I forgave my grandfather but I can see where what he did led to certain lessons throughout my lifetime. I'm actually grateful for those lessons.

So I know it may sound odd, but I'm not grateful it happened yet I'm grateful for what I have learned and how I have grown from it.

Tranquility

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elsqueelio said:

is it possible to forgive and what the hell does that mean

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It is something you might do when you understand what caused it. It's not something you have to do. Only if you are ready and want to. Not before.

I have and I haven't.

I've forgiven my mother because while in therapy I've learned that she has her own illnesses and really did the best she could do and then some.

I forgave my father and was blessed to have almost a year with him before he passed. Prior to that I'd not seen him for 14-15 years...his choice. I didn't know where he was.

My older brother and main abuser? No. I think I could if he was a halfway decent person today, ya know? I would like to think he was just a messed up kid trying to make it like we all were, but I can't. He's still an ugly, dangerous person who's been accused as an adult.

To answer your question, it is possible. It is difficult.

I wish us all well with this.

KD

thank you all for sharing
safe hugs to u
pachyderm interesting point raised about understanding the cause

am i to think that he had no idea what he was doing or couldnt stop himself from doing it

hmm
i really dont think i cood ever understand him or his actions
nor my mother and hers

(((((hugs)))))

I reached my forgiveness well after the time my parents passed... something about seeing them as very fraile people.. they were in their 80's... also something about not forgiving took so much from me... with my ex-husband, if I ever want to have a true relationship with another man... I just had to reach a certain level of forgiveness so that I could open my heart...
I would not consider a realtionship now.. but in 10 years or so.. maybe..
My pedaphile, well I just don't know... I work everyday at forgiving other people more - ones that have no understanding for the terrible physical pain alone.. I have trouble forgiving the narrow minded people that blame me for "allowing" "it" to happened and that are "grossed" out by what did happen.. That forgivenness, I work on every day - because people "try and convict" me on top of my being abused - it is like being victumized twice.. Sometimes I am not sure which one is worse - the pedaphile or the people.

There are days that I "long" for someone to say "Oh, I am just so sorry for what you went thru" "Oh, to be sodomized must have horrificly hurt" "oh, you must have been scared out of you mind having no one to talk to, having been in the "old" days where No abuse was ever talked about - not in homes, churches, magazines, TV"

And finally, I always have wished for "someone to hold my hand" until the pain passed.. but there is never any one there.

No one still feels comfortable offering this.

I am sorry that I high jacked this thread.. I don't know I just really, really need to say that.

I have forgiven my abusers... I did so for myself... For me, by forgiving them I shed any shame that I was carrying and placed it all back onto them.... I didnt/dont want what they did to me be my definition... to be my controllers in life... yeah I have residual effects that I probably will carry for life... but they dont define me... It wasnt easy to do... I will never forget, but now I dont dwell... I dont accept what they did as an ok thing, but I embrace the strength of accepting that I survived and that I am not at fault....

I have to say no.

(((((everyone))))) thank you
i guess im just trying to find ways in which to move on and get a life
im over sitting in this sorrow, guilt and shame
this everyday blaming
this everyday curse

i mite not have put myself here but i know i am the one to get me out of it