Triggered by Homework from T

Had T session tonight. She gave me homework that has to do with boundaries and saying no. I was doing OK until I hit these two questions:

How has your yes affected you when it should have been a no? What damage has it brought to you?

I haven't really talked about it, but because I didn't say no, I was forced to have sex multiple times by my ex. If I would have said no, would he have still raped me? The one time I did say no he did get forceful, but he gave up and he left.

In high school several boys would sexually harrass me. If I had said no, would all the boys have left me alone?

This assignment was given to me because I have trouble with boundaries but mostly because of my codependent relationship with my mom. I never thought it would trigger the memories with my ex or the boys in high school.
I don't want to deal with these memories right now. Not doing well again tonight.

I am sorry, sometimes the homework is the hardest. I think you gave me advice not to long ago on homework.... Take it slow, don't overwhelm yourself, it doesn't all have to be done in one week. Maybe just start to write down the feelings or colors that it makes you feel as a start?

Hang in there, I know it's not easy, but you keep telling me to hang in there, so it's my turn to tell you to do the same We can both get through this

Hi Celtic, remember this is not/should not be about pointing the finger at yourself or blaming yourself for not having said "No" in those situations. They were not your fault.
At the times you weren't able to say "No". It wasn't about you thinking about and misjudging the situations, it wasn't about you taking "the easy" option, it was about you not being able to say "No".
And let's face it, they weren't easy situations, were they? It's not like someone asking you to do them a favor when you haven't really got that much time/don't want to, is it?
You probably felt intimidated, powerless, hopeless, scared (??)...........didn't you?
And considering your past...............
And I know you'd never blame the victim of sexual harassment or rape for what happened, would you
Afterall you didn't say "Yes".
So you weren't able to say "No", you didn't at the time have the skills/ability to say "No" as I'm sure plenty of other people in your situation wouldn't either.
Well, now............you have a T to help you with those skills/that ability.........now you can begin moving on. It might not be easy, it might not be quick, but.................

And let's bring it back to the purpose of the homework.........your mother?
I know the task of saying "No" to her (never mind anything else/anyone else) isn't going to be easy. But perhaps when you're thinking more about yourself and putting together the effects on you you may feel a little stronger/a little more confident in saying "No" just a little bit more in time????
And if ever you're trying to justify why you should go along with even a silent "Yes" e.g. "Well she is my mother........", "She's one of the few in my family I have contact with, so............", "Well she's had things hard, so.........." then really seeing the effects on you might offset that a little, make it clearer that you shouldn't have to......., that what she's wanting is unreasonable.
So try to make the goal of the assignment (whatever you want that to be) work for you, be helpful to you.

And just like Lady Lindsey said take it slow, in your own time, stop/take a break if its not feeling "safe"/triggering and get straight onto some distractions, grounding techniques, something/anything else.



Alison

I just learned this last week...from A Recovery Bill of Rights for Trauma Survivors...

http://www.thenationalcouncil.org/wp...-of-Rights.pdf

I take that to mean, it's okay to stop if you need too or not even start....

Thank you for this reminder, and I will try to slow down. And thanks for believing you and I can get through this.

Hi Alison,

I'm breaking my response up ....

In the last two weeks this has been extremely hard for me to remember. I'm having such a hard time remembering that it is not my fault. That any of it was not my fault.... even the stuff I didn't really blame myself for before, the stuff when I was really little.

The particular ones I listed in the first message of this thread, were not easy situations, correct .... but there were other ones that would fall under them asking me to do a favor when I didn't have time.... I'm not sure that's what you are talking about though. You're just talking about the sexual ones aren't you?

I don't know what I felt. I guess those are probably accurate and scared maybe. I know I've always felt like I just have to do it, that's all I'm good for, is pleasing them. Whatever they want I'm supposed to do. Ugh. I feel disgusting and dirty. I feel like a horrible person.


No, I wouldn't.

It is always different when it is someone else... I'm a fricken hypocrite, you know that Alison.



Yeah, I know you are right here. :P

I hope you are right.

I always justify.....

I'm trying. I will continue to try.



Thanks.

Thank you for sharing this. My T told me in last week's session, when she found out how much of a people pleaser I am and how I am afraid to give wrong answers on homework, that I do not have to do the homework (which I did know but I do it because she asks me to do it and also because I know it is supposed to be meant to help me and I want the help. I want to get better.)....

Thank you for sharing, this is always good info.

Hi Celtic,

This!!!: "I don't know what I felt. I guess those are probably accurate and scared maybe. I know I've always felt like I just have to do it, that's all I'm good for, is pleasing them. Whatever they want I'm supposed to do. Ugh. I feel disgusting and dirty. I feel like a horrible person"
You know I'm not going to tire in the least of telling you that you are worth so much more than that, you're not dirty, you're not disgusting and you're so far from being a horrible person
Of course I also know that hearing it is one thing, believing it can be something completely different. But hey, you know so many of us on here believe it

"It is always different when it is someone else... I'm a fricken hypocrite, you know that Alison"
Yes, but deep down you know that it's not that different, right??

And "I'm trying. I will continue to try"
I know you're trying, I know you've been trying real hard
And real respect to you for that!!! And you have had a lot to deal with, as well as come a long way already. You should be proud of yourself!!!!



Alison

I can't do proud yet Alison. It has actually become harder to hear the word said to me now too. My T just told me this week that she is proud of me and before I knew it I rolled my eyes at her. A coworker told me she was proud of me this week too and same thing, I rolled my eyes. You and a few others from PC have told me you're proud of me and I have and I catch myself thinking, "If you only really knew me you wouldn't be."

A few months ago that's all I wanted to hear was that someone was proud of me and now that people are saying they're proud of me I can't accept it.

Anyways, thanks for the reply.

Hi Celtic, maybe that reluctance is to accept positive comments about yourself is a lot more to do with the past than the here and now?? With some of the times you've been feeling yourself dragged back to, where people tried to convince you that no-one (including yourself) would/should be proud of you??
Not to mention the depression you've been feeling which in itself can bring down any self-esteem you have.
But firstly, here's news for you!!!
You ARE in the here and the now AND you should feel SO proud of yourself!!!!
You have a right to feel SO proud of yourself!!!
And "If you only really knew me you wouldn't be."..............now you're not going to be telling me you've been telling us virtually nothing but the good stuff about you, hardly anything of the stuff you see as "bad" about you, hardly anything of your struggles, hardly anything of...........are you???!!!!!
I know you won't have told us everything, but I'd say you've definitely told us enough to show that you should be proud of yourself!!!
And remember that list of your good qualities too!!!!
But if you're still struggling to do proud right now, at least just bear all this in mind on the journey, hey??

Alison

Thank you Alison