It is me and I am unsure if this is where I should post this. It is with a heavy heart I write and with great fear. I do not know what to say except I really need to reach out. I have not posted much about my childhood or life yet, as I have been scared to do so. But I have posted here and there. I come from a background of RA. It is very difficult for me to share this. I was told never to tell, never to say anything or they would know. They do and they found me. I do not know how to--to let anyone inside. Last weekend, Saturday night, I was assaulted, R^p^ed by one I knew. It has not even been a week but it seems like an eternity and I am scared. I hurt and I find myself looking over my shoulder at every move. The phone rings and I jump. The doorbell rings and I panic. I feel there is no safe place in the world. Everything is moving in slow motion and I cannot breath. I lay down and I feel like I am suffocating. I am so froze up with fear that I have a hard time connecting to anyone. I promised my insides that they would never be hurt again--I lied. I did not mean to but it happened and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to stay my adult self but I could not as I left myself. I never faced this as an adult, only as a child. I do not feel the same and I feel myself hiding away. I keep asking what is wrong with me. I am having trouble writing this as the screen is so blurred from tears filling my eyes. I am pushing to the farthest reaches of my mind but it does not seem far enough. I am talking but I am afraid I make no sense yet somewhere inside me I need to make sense but I cannot. I do not feel worthy to write yet without words I feel like I do not exist. Is there someone who is listening or maybe I have no right to even ask. I do not want to get in trouble yet someone's voice I do so desperately need to hear. Maybe it feels okay here because no one can see me, no one has to care. But this is real and these words are real. And somewhere in this pain, I am real and afraid. Words seem to be all I have and they seem insufficient scrawled across the page. I know I could hitthe delete button but somewhere inside I need someone to know.

[sabby]

((((((((((((((purplesecrets)))))))))))))))

I am so very sorry for all the pain you are going through. My heart aches for you and what you are going through. I understand the fear and I understand the need to be heard. I also understand some of the feelings you are going through, as I have been there too.

Please feel free to pm me if you feel comfortable doing so. I would be happy to listen and help in any way I can.

Please keep posting....there are many helpful and loving souls here to talk with. There is no judgement, only support.

Please take good care of yourself...you so deserve it!

*Gentle Hug*
J

(((((((purplesecrets)))))))))

You are right, you do need to hear someones voice to comfort you. Have you thought about getting help to work through this? You are in my thoughts.
ev

I just want to say thank you Sabau2 and esthersvirtue for your support. It means so much right now. I am having a very difficult time reaching out right now even though I really need to. I know I have not posted much here and it will be hard to get people to hear me as they do not know me but I am really trying. It has always been really hard for me to reach out even though it is in my heart to do so, but I am trying. I want so much to but I have always been so afraid as I took their threats as very real. I have tried to reach out for help as this feels so overwhelming to me. I feel lost in this great big silent world that I am in. By silent I mean I have shut down afraid to move. I wish I could pm you but somehow that feels so scary. Part of me wishes someone could read between the lines and know what I am trying to say. I know that I am not the only person to go through this but somehow it is differentright now--it is me. I have not been here before and I am so scared. Needing people so much yet shutting down. But thank you so much for your words. Right now I am clinging on to them as like life depends on them. I am trying to post, and I will continue to try.

[InACorner]

((((((((((((purplesecerts))))))))))))))))
my heart reaches out to you...i am sorry i didnt see this post sooner otherwise i would have posted to you ....i hope your hanging in there....always remember what doesnt kill you makes you stronger....and i indeed think your are brave and very strong....try to keep your head up ...you have many friends here...who want to support you and protect you...no worries...you are safe here....good luck and all my warmest hugs (if thats ok if not....all my warmest cheers for you)

love, Inny

[sabby]

Hon, there is no pressure here from me. I only offered the option of pm'ing me if you felt comfortable with it. It's obvious you don't and that is definitely ok! I would never want you to feel pressured to tell more than you are comfortable telling.

We are supportive here....whatever you feel comfortable talking about is the only thing that is important. Your need to feel safe and be safe is the #1 priority. Take your time here in the threads, read some of them, get to know some of the posters and what they have going on in their lives. See how they deal with their issues and how supportive we are of them. No one expects anything from you. This IS a safe place and we have wonderful moderators and administrators who work hard to keep this place safe for all of us.

I think you are very brave for having posted what you did. I can tell you are scared to death and I just want you to know that with every step forward you take, you are helping yourself get on track and feeling better. I'm extending my hand of friendship and understanding to you to take when and if you feel comfortable taking it.

Take good care of YOU!

*Gentle Hugs*
J

Thank you InACorner and Sabau2. I keep coming back and I am clinging on to your words. I am hanging on right now by a thread and I feel that the thread could break any minute. Yes, I am very scared. I did call a rape crisis center anonymously for support. I do not feel safe and I cannot pretend right now that I am. I used to be able to put on a mask of some degree to keep others out and not know what I was really feeling, but right now that is not possible. I could leave my body and allow another part of me to take over but I cannot do that right now. I knew what it was like to be abused as a child and hurt, but never as an adult. This has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I suddenly know what that child felt except, there is only me to take the pain and the reality of what happened. It has not been a week yet and it feels like an eternity. I am shaking as I write like I am cold. Sabau2, I did not mean to make you feel I feel pressured in any way to pm you. I wish I could. I wish I could reach out but I do not feel worthy nor do I feel I can, not because I feel pressure but because I am scared. I know that I am not the only person to ever have this happen to them, I just feel so raw and exposed. I come here all the time and I read and I wish I could allow myself to reach out to all of you. I do not warrent such and I do not want to waste anyone's time. Time is valuable. I cling to post that I read here and how I wish I could be strong and open. I have never felt like I could ask for others time but I wish I could. I so need someone right now. I have never felt this way before. I always felt from some other place in time that was very distant from me. But not this time. This is too close to my self. This was a violation on me that I was aware of and could do nothing about. I do not mean that to sound as thoughI had control as a child because I did not, but I dissociated so as a child to be able to make it through. But not this time. I was there, I did not leave myself to another part. I was trying so hard to protect them and the reality of what was happening to me froze me in fear like I have never felt or allowed myself to feel. I do not know if I am making any sense. I know what I am trying to say but somehow the words feel like they are jumbling up. I want so bad, I need so much to make sense. I need someone to hear me so much and I am so scared. I have never needed someone so much as I do right now. This is a new place that I have never been before. My words seem so distant from me and this place that I am seems so familiar yet so new. I am really trying to reach out and be open but this is very hard. But I keep pushing myself because if I do not I am afraid of losing myself. Please bare with me as I try so desperately to put words to something I have not done before. I do not want to be alone.

[InACorner]

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i know its hard to see..however this is a part of the rope i am giving you.....personally....its no longer a string...and its short...so you dont have to walk so far to get to the other side.....happiness and peace....try breaking through this baby!!!!!
love, Inny

[sabby]

(((((((((purple))))))))))

I'm glad to hear you called a center for support. Did they help you at all? Were you able to hear and understand what they told you? I know that when a person is in crisis, they don't always hear what is being said as their minds just exist sometimes...not taking in what is being said. Call them as much as you need to hon....that's what they are there for.

Since it has only been a week since the assault, things are very very raw right now for you. I'm sure your emotions are all over the place from despair to anger to confusion. I have been in your situation. I was raped when I was in my teens. It's been 35 years since that awful, disgusting night. I can still remember just about everything. I hope that soon you will come to the realization that I came to. I realized that I did not and would not allow what happened to me to define me as a person, to rule my life forever or to let it keep me down any longer. This realization took time and a lot of effort on my part to dig out of the whole I went into because of the rape. But, I am a survivor and I believe that you are too.

You wrote - "I wish I could reach out but I do not feel worthy nor do I feel I can, not because I feel pressure but because I am scared. I know that I am not the only person to ever have this happen to them, I just feel so raw and exposed. I come here all the time and I read and I wish I could allow myself to reach out to all of you. I do not warrent such and I do not want to waste anyone's time. Time is valuable. I cling to post that I read here and how I wish I could be strong and open." And my response to this is that you have done exactly what you said you couldn't do....you HAVE reached out and asked for help. It takes a huge amount of strength to do what you have done here....you ARE a strong person. The other point is that YOU ARE worthy of asking for help. You are a human being who is suffering from the hands of some very vile people. What happened to you was NOT your fault. There is no wasting of anyone's time when we resond to your posts. We are all here for a reason, to connect with folks for support and knowledge. I am very impressed with the strength you have shown so far.

Your words are very well written and they do make sense. I can certainly understand what you are feeling. Of course you are scared....of many different things right now. I hope you can keep posting and in time feel more comfortable about being here. Writing can be a very big positive in recovery. Sometimes it's the only way a person can muddle through the thoughts and emotions in their mind.

I'm here purple....reaching out to you....you who deserves attention and support!

*Gentle Hugs*
J

As I sit here tonight, I find myself shaking. It is one week tonight. I feel like time is standing still and I feel so cold. Thank you InACorner for the rope, I am hanging on as tight as I can. I feel overwhelmed with feelings that I do not know. Sabau2 thank you for your continued words of encouragement. I am reaching out the only way I know how. My words are my only link right now to what is inside me. I get really scared at the praise that I am doing good. I do not know why that scares me so but I feel I am doing all I can to survive right now. Maybe it is the ever present threat that was given. I know that before last week, I could reach to other parts inside for support. I did not always feel because someone else could step up and block what I did not understand. It is like I grew up in an hour. I have become this full adult for the first time. I feel alone here as those parts have gone deep inside for safety. So I stand here with this not knowing what I am to really do. How I am suppose to separate these feelings that have suddenly become mine. I do not know how to explain what I am trying to say so I hope somehow the words make sense. I am trying to reach out and I am trying to hear. There seems to be this confusion inside that sometimes muffles out what is being said but I am straining to hear. I did try to listen to the crisis center. I felt like I was floating somewhere. I was trying to hear a voice -words seemed to be just there as my mind could hardly comprehend. Maybe for the fear of calling, maybe for the fear of the fear itself of letting someone know. But I did try and between the tears I heard they were there. I keep coming back, and clinging to words here. I am trying.

[sabby]

Dear one, I'm so very sorry that you are having such difficulties. You are doing a fine job of writing and posting. Please keep it up. You need to know that there is a connection with someone who understands and can be supportive.

I hope you don't mind, but I pm'd you a few minutes ago. I hope I didn't overstep my bounds in doing that. If so, please forgive me.

We are here for you purple.....Inny gave you a rope and we're both holding it steady for you.

I know you are trying....and you are doing well....I know, you probably don't think you are. But with every post you make and read, it will bring you closer to dealing the best way you can.

My prayers go out to you purple.....for strength and peace and comfort.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

[JustAPixie]

Hey purple.

I just came across this thread - I'm not here much anymore. I just want to let you know that I know where you are coming from, as I have been there myself last year.

I know about the fear of "them" always watching you. I get constant emails and threats. I don't know the solution to the problem yet, but you are in my thoughts. I am always willing to listen if you need someone.