[Rainydaiz]

I am in the early stages of remembering abuse. Plenty evidence (PTSD/dissociation/flashbacks etc) but no concrete visual memories or knowledge of 'who'. Deep down I think I know it was my dad but I'm in the stage of swinging between believing it and not believing it. Anyway I have never ever been comfortable around my parents and avoid to a certain extent. But force myself to see them. But now the memories are coming back more and more I really want to avoid seeing them. But how do I avoid seeing them without alerting them to the fact something's wrong? Has anyone else been through this and got any tips? Would be appreciated. Thanks.

[CANDC]

There are many types of abuse such as physical, emotional and mental, that one may have experienced as a child. It is not possible to reliably take memories and assign them as fact, but what can be done with a therapist that does specialize in surviving abuse is to process the memories and find ways to heal the wounds.

Many people that are abusers may be in denial and justifying whatever they did as appropriate. Assigning blame is not part of my healing process but I did express those types of emotions to a therapist, NOT to the people who I perceived to have acted inappropriately.

I think of people who abused me as strangers that I try to relate to if i have to for the first time. It is not easy. But usually visits are short and I have reading material and can retreat to bathroom or sleeping quarters to recover from rough times. I say less not wanting to stir up the fires and wrath of others.

It is not about blaming it is about doing what it takes to heal the wounds and not reopen them in the presence of people that could trigger me. I also recognize that these people were probably survivors of abuse themselves.

[Purple Heart]

I mostly avoid my parents but maintain low contact to preserve my sanity. I'm the black sheep and I suspect they see me as the problem in the family. I've had flashbacks too about them but it's a waste of time trying to tell them what they did wrong as they will either deny it or blame me. It's best to maintain boundaries that suit you and work out what level of contact (if any) you want with them.

PH

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by CANDC

There are many types of abuse such as physical, emotional and mental, that one may have experienced as a child. It is not possible to reliably take memories and assign them as fact, but what can be done with a therapist that does specialize in surviving abuse is to process the memories and find ways to heal the wounds.

I understand what you are staying here... I am not assigning these memories as facts- far from it- it is very hard to believe. My t says it don't need to know what happened to work with the trauma symptoms. She says there is a very good chance I won't remember.

Many people that are abusers may be in denial and justifying whatever they did as appropriate. Assigning blame is not part of my healing process but I did express those types of emotions to a therapist, NOT to the people who I perceived to have acted inappropriately.

I have no intention of confronting my parents about something I have very little evidence of. Not do I blame them. I'm just beginning to think there is a possibility my dad abused me. That's why I want to avoid them without alerting them to the fact that something is wrong.

I think of people who abused me as strangers that I try to relate to if i have to for the first time. It is not easy. But usually visits are short and I have reading material and can retreat to bathroom or sleeping quarters to recover from rough times. I say less not wanting to stir up the fires and wrath of others.

Thank you for this. I need to find manageable ways to see them.

It is not about blaming it is about doing what it takes to heal the wounds and not reopen them in the presence of people that could trigger me. I also recognize that these people were probably survivors of abuse themselves.

Yes. I agree.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

I mostly avoid my parents but maintain low contact to preserve my sanity. I'm the black sheep and I suspect they see me as the problem in the family. I've had flashbacks too about them but it's a waste of time trying to tell them what they did wrong as they will either deny it or blame me. It's best to maintain boundaries that suit you and work out what level of contact (if any) you want with them.

PH

Thank you for this. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

[tinyrabbit]

I have been through this. All you can do is do what is best to look after yourself. I remember thinking I couldn't stop seeing them, it wasn't possible, nobody would let me, I'd go mad. And then I just did it anyway.

What my T has encouraged me to do is to take care of myself in ways that do not harm me.

For example, I've been skipping meals because I'm avoiding my parents. So, I've been trying to eat a little with them around (difficult), or eating after they've left the dining table, or eating out.

You don't have to tell them the truth about you avoiding them. You can say you're just busy or stressed.

I treat them cordially, and cite work stress as a plausible reason for minimizing time around them - because that's my personal comfort level.

You'll find your own comfort level.

I know I don't want them to feel I'm behaving oddly for complex reasons I'm not sure about. Like I suspect they'll just brush off my resentment and hurt if I told them the truth about why I avoid them

[Rainydaiz]

Sorry I have only just seen your message QuietMind. I'm not sure how long ago you posted it. Thanks so much. Those are helpful strategies. Thanks so much.

[Rainydaiz]

Thanks TinyRabbit. I have only just seen your message. I appreciate you responding. I am trying to look after myself- it helps to know I am not alone so thank you.

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't have experience within your specific context, but I do know what it's like to avoid people / places of things that you don't want to be reminded of because it becomes too difficult. You're not comfortable seeing them whilst you try to figure this out and it's putting you in a difficult position. I wish I knew what the happy medium was to suggest; I'm not sure. I'm thinking somewhere neutral; or maintaining tabs with your mother on neutral grounds; going out for coffee; or somewhere where you won't find the visit confronting but your parents still know that you're out there, if this makes sense

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you hooligan. I see what you mean. I need to find ways to stay safe. At the moment if I inadvertently alert them to the fact something's wrong I won't be safe either. I think like you say coffee with mum might be doable. Not quite yet, but soon. It's Father's Day here in the UK on Sunday. Dreading. Husband will come with me and we'll find a way to manage it. But still very anxious. Thanks for your reply.

[WasI60]

I suffered abuse. Not by my parents. So to come to that fact must be devastating. I would ask my T to make sure, that what I feel, believe, and think are true and simply not possible to have been caused by any plausible alternative.

Imagine someone accusing you of this. If your guilty you deserve what comes from it. But what if you are not...Please stress the need of certainty with your T

[Rainydaiz]

Originally Posted by WasI60

I suffered abuse. Not by my parents. So to come to that fact must be devastating. I would ask my T to make sure, that what I feel, believe, and think are true and simply not possible to have been caused by any plausible alternative.

Imagine someone accusing you of this. If your guilty you deserve what comes from it. But what if you are not...Please stress the need of certainty with your T

Thank you for this. My t is more certain than me I think; though very careful not to lead the way- she's says we can never be certain. My friends also believe it far more than I do in a weird way. I think because I can't look at it properly yet. Which is why I have no intention (at the moment anyway) of confronting anybody about it or really acting on it apart from my intention to heal and working on it in therapy. But I really want to avoid my parents as I am so uncomfortable with them. I have always been uncomfortable and avoided to a certain degree anyway. But now it feels worse. I guess I want to avoid them without making it obvious because with don't want them asking any questions. I certainly don't want it to come out. On the other hand I do have a 5 year old niece I would like to protect if necessary. But I couldn't even do that unless I'm certain. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

[PrairieCat]

My first gut feeling is to stop seeing them. They are triggers. They did you wrong. I don't feel you need to see them. Take care of yourself above all else.
Hugs,
PrairieCat

[Notoriousglo]

At 28 I stopped seeing my father. My mother I have slowly been phasing out.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you. I am not quite ready to stop completely seeing them yet- only in that I have not had enough memory yet to be certain it was my dad. (Though I know it was really). I don't want them to manipulate me into not believing it again. If I had something more definitive as a memory, I would confront. For now, I don't want to alert them to anything being wrong. But I'm minimising contact and only seeing with my husband etc it trying to see mum and not dad etc. thanks for your replies.