Compulsive masturbation?

I feel like something is inherently wrong with me. I feel like my sexuality, my body, is broken. Or at the very least is just super dirty and covered with layers upon layers of sticky resin that have snowballed over the years and will never be completely gone.

I masturbate compulsively. Destructively. Mindlessly. It's not healthy, I'm an addict. It's not even enjoyable. It's not about love, respect, sensation, pleasure or the whole journey of arousal, build up and release. It's numbness, it's a purely physical act that I find myself doing 3-6 times a day. I only have abusive fantasies where all my body is is a receptacle for someone else's pleasure. Where all I'm good for is to be violated and degraded. That's the only thing I can orgasm to when I masturbate. I'm so desensitized to any real feeling. A romantic, respectful, loving fantasy is not arousing to me, no matter how much I try to make it be. The worst part is that every f***** up fantasy I have eventually loses it's shock/entertainment value and I have to move on to something even more abusive and degrading to get off.

Like I said, it doesn't even feel GOOD. Out of the whole 20 minute act, the first 18 minutes are about skimming through my brain to find something arousing, trying to work myself up to arousal, losing it/getting distracted, working myself up again and eventually around the 18 minute point I'm past the numbness and it starts to feel good but all that effort is really for those last 30 seconds when the dopamine and endorphin rush hits.

Sometimes I don't even get those 30 seconds. If there's a particularly shameful fantasy running through my head, then it hurts when I cum because it's not a total release. Everything tightens up and it takes about a minute for the pain to pass.

I feel like such a slave to this. Everyday I tell myself "I'm going to quit today" but then my hands are in my pants and I don't even realize it. Or I get bored, or it's nighttime and I do it to help get me to sleep.

I have not gone longer than three days without masturbating in the last four years. I don't know any other way to exist. I don't know how to stop. I really want to embrace celibacy as a way to reclaim my sexuality but I don't know how to do that.

I also am super broke and have no insurance so therapy is out of the question at this time.

I've repressed a lot of sexual trauma because in the past I had to make healing emotional abuse priority to function but now a lot of that trauma had been expressing itself. It's scary and I feel lost. Any other survivors of sexual abuse feel addicted to masturbation? Or like you only get turned on by things that cause you discomfort or pain?

Well, honestly I don't think frequent masturbation is a sign of any type of disordered... well, anything. As far as that in and of itself, you just sound like a normal 18-year-old with a healthy libido.

To me it seems that the problem is that trauma issues are making what should be normal, healthy stress-relieving masturbation into something that you experience as disturbing and unenjoyable. That is the problem, IMO. That something that should be very enjoyable and relaxing for you has been tainted by the abuse you suffered.

However I can assure you that this is not at all uncommon for survivors of childhood sexual abuse/assault, and that it can be largely worked out in therapy. However it is typically a long and tough journey, so it's important to be patient with yourself.

Some of the aftermath effects of my childhood abuse included severe vaginismus, and also I could only orgasm alone, and I could only orgasm to rape fantasies. So in some ways I can completely understand where you are coming from. Now years later, the vaginismus is gone, and I am at a bit of a 'blank' spot in terms of my arousal. I have yet to start rebuilding and discovering what truly turns me on, healthy things, and I have also filed some things under "kink" and just let them be. But at least I have managed to put a respectful, mutual-consent twist on it. So, progress.

Much luck and courage wished to you, there is hope, but it is a tough journey.

I am so sorry you were raped as a child and bullied.


I was sexually abused as a child. Unfortunately, every single thing you've described is something even I experienced....as do many people who are sexually violated at a young age. It would start as viewing/reading something taboo....the act...the finger numbness....feeling miserable, guilty afterwards....telling myself I wouldn't do it....and yet do it, the very next day. I was also into porn stories which got wayyyy degrading over the years. I still cannot imagine something romantic.

Please do checkout wikipedia page on child sex abuse or search adult survivors of child sex abuse, and you'd see that compulsive masturbation is one thing they experience as adults.

I have slowly got away from the habit (just compulsive part) and my stories have got a little less taboo over the years, but I still do slip back, but happens once in a blue moon.

I can understand that you currently cannot afford therapy. But please understand that therapy is not luxury, it's necessity. Are you currently working? If not, even the tiniest job can help pay for therapy. If yes, then do save - maybe in a piggybank (i know it sounds childish). See if you can afford online therapy. Online therapy has its benefits - like you can be more open, you can look after your convenience and even read emails at night, your conversation history is available.

My therapist once suggested writing about negative incidents are burning it up. This was surprisingly useful. So do write and burn it. Also, writing, in general is very helpful, you start developing a little acceptance.

Until you enter therapy, you can read self-help books. The Body keeps score is a book written for ptsd and it's very highly rated, so you can start up on that.

But ultimately, you should look going into therapy.

And I want to add, there is nothing dirty about masturbation. It's a very healthy habit....and the purest form of I ME. It's the stories that make it feel horrible. When you are violated, brain seeks to relive the trauma again and again to get some control over the situation. Try to avoid taboo....let your mind have a free run. If you fall back into habit - it's because your mind is still looking to gain control over it, don't fret too much over it. Just keep trying and give yourself some time. Trust me, you'd get better with healing, as did I.

All my love.

I've went through bouts of this from time to time also. I actually hurt myself once and had to go to the gynecologist. I also worked at a hospital where I had a restroom in my office. I became so obsessed with masturbating in there my work piled up on my desk and I got fired. I don't have any advice, just want you to know your not alone

Yes! I understand! I masturbate constantly and think about shameful things to. it's the only way I get excited. I too keep getting into more and more taboo things. I feel so guilty after n try so hard not to do it again. but fail every time. I horny now and trying not to look online. But the release makes me feel better for a brief period of time. I also cannot get turned on unless I fantasize and touch my clit. I feel horrible after but don't know how to stop. It's treading on dangerous ground I believe. How long bf I act on my fantasies?

Why not "change" the thoughts of you being "not" in control and consider being the one in control and enjoying yourself. This includes YOU deciding to masturbate "less" than you are and "only" when you can actually enjoy it. Choose "not" to victimize yourself and instead learn how to take control over yourself.

In going through the same thing and I wish I could talk about it in therapy. I've been controlling my self with prayer but when I'm on my period, I'm not allowed to pray so I lose it.

Hyper-arousal in people who've been sexually abused is completely normal. This is self destructive and harmful and not at all what someone with a healthy libido should experience. That being said not to shame you for having hyper arousal, at all. More like it's not understood that this is not a facet of a healthy sex drive/ sex life, and that victims do this to cope. Even if we don't intend to do this, it happens and sometimes it's not something we CAN control. Working through trauma can definitely help things like this happen less often.

I go through this too and am glad that someone started the conversation about it. We can get through this!! One thing that's helped me has been to make sure I consume only healthy sexual media where each party is consenting, whether it's books or whatever. Romanticising consesual sex rather than scary non-consensual has been slowly helping me replace what I know of sex, and essentially re-wires my brain to automatically imagine the healthy fantasies rather than the unhealthy ones. I say re-wire because after a while of associating masturbation and sex with healthier things, your brain will literally re-route the neuron paths it takes between the parts of your brain that associates things with sex. The concept comes from pain management techniques I learned for fibromyalgia, applied to hyper arousal. It helps me but you may have luck with other methods, unfortunately I don't have resources to other methods but I'll keep this thread in mind if I find any. Actually, I can ask my therapist and reply back here with what they say, if you want?

What I've read is that masturbation is a normal thing and nothing to be ashamed of. If you were punished for masturbating as a child that could have been part of the abuse and could have intensified your symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder. If you are tense and anxious and have flashbacks from childhood abuse, perhaps you are using masturbation to relax a little. You need to get some professional help so that you can get some meds to help with the anxiety and flashbacks and counselling would be helpful, too. Anything you could do to reduce the tension....hopefully you'll find a way to be able to afford some professional help and find ways to pay for it or to qualify for free care.

It's a distraction that releases a chemical in your brain stimulating pleasure. It's a result of depression and PTSD and bad circumstances. Don't listen to the Catholic stereotype...

Trigger Warning....

I was shamed out of my ways via a camera and putting out their thoughts and what they saw I guess it puts new meaning too who will i leave myself too...They blasted our proclivities onto twitter and facebook a cult group basically a guess who, we know u in ways that no one but a marriage partner would or some of form of trauma carrier would....The swipes got revealed at each time we where finished wrought with clues of who it was right to the enemy they never would admit too it openly on church grounds hence further damage and pain.....It was phone twitter was the only way they would talk about it via coaxing on twitter about the join of 2009.....I can laugh about it now it utimaltey helped us get the verbiage for our dx's of DID and PTSD for everything that else once I got of their shameful and went on the real journey of healing.....

I don't do it any longer except in different ways. It seems like there is wanting you to stop in this post from yourself. I don't think you can just stop change something about it.....Pick something creative about it change it for the the better maybe one less time.....I don't suggesst accountablility because that is my pain it was from a place of judgement not becuase I dont' want it shared as me or them not to be in the no it wasn't right in either context. I could have waited for what would gave me the greatest clarity because it cause so many other problems. I would say one less time then like a weaning from their. What ever make you comfortable I think you are the one that needed pleasure it is what God blessed us with use it affirm yourself.......The facet of yourself that enjoys make it enjoyable a day devoted to enjoyment then possible a day to weed out what hurt about it until it evens out healing is possible attainable. Find a great therapist on the topic