Conflicting Emotions About Abuser

Hello all. I have been very stressed out lately because I have finally begun to work through my history of sexual abuse with my therapist. As of late I've been having a lot of conflicting feelings about my grandmother, and here's why.

My grandmother came to live with my mom and I when I was only 3 years old (I'm in my early 20s now) and she was pretty strict and emotionally abusive. I still live with her and she's still emotionally abusive.

I started seeing a therapist last year and that's how I learned she was emotionally abusive, and I accept that. However, it's the sexual abuse that I have a hard time accepting. I don't like calling it that.

You see, she used to touch me when I was around 5 years old, but she stopped after I got molested by our neighbor's niece. I told my mother what the niece did to me (although I was a kid so I couldn't articulate things well and gave her a really watered down version of what happened). My mother was going to confront our neighbor, but ended up not doing so because my grandmother said, "Don't say anything because they'll think you're lying". My mother just told me this last week, right after I finally told her what my grandmother did to me as a kid.

Right now I'm furious at my grandmother, for what she did and for what she told my mother when I was molested. But then I get angry at myself because I feel horrible being mad at her. She shows that she loves me but then I think about all the mean things she's said and done and I don't know what to feel.

Has anyone else felt like that? Confused about how to feel about their abuser, especially if it was someone close to them?

Right now I'm furious at my grandmother, for what she did and for what she told my mother when I was molested. But then I get angry at myself because I feel horrible being mad at her. She shows that she loves me but then I think about all the mean things she's said and done and I don't know what to feel.

Has anyone else felt like that? Confused about how to feel about their abuser, especially if it was someone close to them?

The nice/nasty situations can lead to Stockholm Syndrome. Trauma bonding

Narcissistic Abuse: Trauma Bonding with a Narcissistic Mother
(or grandmother)

It's okay to feel everything. Sometimes situations are very complex like that.

You instinctively loved this person, a family member, your grandmother. You wanted to continue to lover her, to trust her, that is how it's supposed to be with grandparents, after all, so of course that is what you probably wanted at first.

But she betrayed and exploited that trust, and was very selfish and wrong in her words and behaviors, and has shown no remorse. It makes sense to feel very angry over that.

Emotions don't have to be right or wrong, they just are.

Where you have to think about correct/incorrect is in the facts and in your plans. If you know your grandmother is capable of abuse, then you know you need to protect yourself.

I think maybe I am a black or white thinker. Or maybe I'm just all tired out with making excuses for crappy people.
I hate abusers, and I make no excuses for them. I've been allowing/excusing/accepting bad behavour all my life. An enabler, spent a life time being an enabler. Sigh.
No more. No excuses.

Abusers keep you hooked with the occaissonal unexpected kindness and you are sooo pleased! All is forgiven yay!
Nope. No more games.

If you can't separate yourself from the abuser, you must learn to not to internalize the abuse. It is their issue, not yours, tho I know from my own experience it is hard not to take it personally.

Thanks a lot for that link. It was really helpful. It is very confusing when people say mean things one minute and are nice the next.

CopperStar: Thanks for telling me that it's okay. I always feel like I should choose one emotion over the other and that's where my guilt starts to settle in. I think the best way I can protect myself is moving out, because she's also getting increasingly homophobic, which is also stressing me out because she doesn't know I'm gay. But it will be a while until I do that. I just try to stick to myself.

Marmaduke: I agree with you. I'm always the person who would say that abusers deserve no sympathy but then I get so confused when it's a family member. I try not to be sympathetic but it's so hard not to. It's tough.

IrisBloom: It is incredibly hard not to take it personal, because some things are meant to be personal. I am working hard at not internalizing it, though.

I know how hard it is, as I am in a similar situation. It would be best if you can move out, then you can see them only when you want to. Just remember that recovery is a process and some things will take a lot of time to deal with. The main thing to remember is to be kind to yourself.

IrisBloom: Thanks so much! I sometimes feel really impatient because I want to just recover quickly and live my life without feeling all of these difficult emotions. But I guess I have to take things one day at a time and cut myself some slack.

Yes. every day. i still have positive feelings towards him because before he abused me, he was a likable person, most abusers aren't going to show that they have major flaws or else why would we gravitate to them in the first place? so life is this process of trying to let go of someone because they're not who they used to be.

but in simpler terms, yes, what your going through is normal.

Also, I am impatient with my growth as well- and recovery- but growth is like a flower- most people don't try to rush the growth of a flower, they let the flower take its course, that's the only way the flower will receive everything it needs to bloom sufficiently, you have to let it take its time to grow- similar to ourselves, we have to be gentle with our hurts, asking ourselves, if this was a friend of mine I was talking too, would I be so harsh?

I know, sometimes the hardest person to treat kind in life is ourselves. So, once again, this is normal, you will grow stronger and you will overcome! but you can't quit, you can't give up.

I'm so sorry you were sexually abused by your grandmother. It's so tough when the very people who are supposed to protect you, hurt you.

I was sexually abused by my dad. Initially, I also had a lot of trouble calling it sexual abuse. I used to call it - just touching. I justified my dad's actions, calling it office pressure....or I did something bad...

It's complicated. On one hand you love them - because of all the "good things" they've done for you....and basically because you've been taught to love your family. And on the other hand they do things that leaves a scar, maybe for life. It took me a while to understand this - and maybe, even after reading, you'll take a lot of time to realize this.

People who sexually abuse are way to tuned into their needs and they never truly love someone. Yea sure, they may do some nice things once in a while....but deep down, they only care for their needs. People who love you unconditionally would NEVER do anything that may harm you. It's like eating ice cream laced with poison. The ice cream maybe delicious, but it still is poison and harms you.

Kudos for seeing a therapist. Hope you are able to heal from this.

All my love.