Can't talk to T about this but I need to talk to her, or to someone!!!

I had an experience over the weekend that was very confusing/upsetting/disturbing and I need to talk to someone about it, but I can’t talk to T…I think she wouldn’t understand it or would be in over her head or automatically assume that this experience stems from trauma…I tried talking to her a little bit about it today, talking about the feelings without giving many details about the experience, and she tried to be supportive, but I could tell she was really confused and she kept saying her mind kept going elsewhere and trying to figure out what the experience was. She respects that I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with her, but I need to share it with someone, and I’m going a bit crazy keeping it to myself, and I don’t have anyone else to share it with.

The gist of it (I almost don’t feel comfortable sharing it here either, but I will anyway) – I have been obsessed with spanking for as long as I can remember, since I was very little, and finally after so many years of wanting it, I set up an appointment with someone to actually make it happen. And I was completely shut down physically, emotionally – I didn’t feel anything at all, not even pain, even though she spanked me for maybe seven minutes straight with a wooden paddle and then a leather strap, to the point that it left significant welts and a few bruises, and I barely felt a thing because I was completely shut down physically. And naturally I have a very low pain tolerance, and it was the first spanking I’d ever had, so it should have definitely hurt…she was hitting pretty hard, and she has been spanking people for decades and almost everyone would be reacting after a spanking like that; they wouldn’t just be lying completely still and thinking, “That’s it?”

She finally stopped because she was worried about doing too much damage or leaving too many marks, even though I still wasn’t feeling anything, and that felt caring to me, that she stopped because she didn’t want to hurt me too much. Probably because when I was little and my parents were hurting me, they never stopped because they didn’t want to hurt me too much; they stopped when they felt like it and “hurting me too much” wasn’t even on their radar. I think, subconsciously, I might be searching for some sort of reparative experience, for someone to hurt me (in a way I want to be hurt) and then stop at some point out of caring. It felt nurturing after, and she hugged me and said, “Oh, you poor little disconnected thing,” and that fed something in me.

I think I want to have this experience again and figure out how to actually connect with my body and actually feel the pain, but it’s also a dangerous thing to not be able to feel it, because someone could just keep hitting and do some serious damage without me even noticing it. And the woman said she wouldn’t let me come back for another spanking because I guess I have too many issues for her to work with me, and I think she also worries about me putting her into a role like my parents were, wanting her to hurt me and then turning it into a power struggle where I’m trying to stay stoic to “outlast” her – I did this a lot with my parents when they were hurting me, not reacting because I felt like that would mean losing my dignity. I feel like maybe I’m too screwed up for that experience, even though I’ve wanted it forever…my brain is going really crazy with all this and I want to talk to T about it but I think she just wouldn’t understand, and it would show her I really am screwed up too, because she wouldn’t understand why I would even want to be spanked at all…

Could you tell your T something like you had an experience where you should have felt physical pain but didn't? And are concerned about that? Then you wouldn't need to go into specifics.

You should clarify though that it wasn't any sort of self-harm. I mean, I guess in the broadest of definitions, but you weren't doing anything to yourself. Because that's probably what her mind would just to.

That's exactly what I did when I saw her today, and she respected my decision not to go into more detail, but she wanted me to, and she was a bit confused about the whole situation and kept trying to guess what it was just to get a bit more context...she felt like she didn't know enough to be helpful to me. It was a bit all over the place...

I wonder if perhaps she thought you referring to sexual experience? Was the whole experience sexual in nature or not at all? I am not sure how to share it with t. What if instead of sharing what happened now you talk about childhood memory because it has to be connected. Or you already shared with her?

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Hi Yearning,

Thankyou so much for sharing this with us and my heart goes out to you that you don't feel able to talk to your T about this

But taking this........."I want to talk to T about it but I think she just wouldn’t understand, and it would show her I really am screwed up too, because she wouldn’t understand why I would even want to be spanked at all…"
Anyone who knows/understands abuse and the effects of abuse (which I'm assuming your T does, if she has experience with supporting people who have been abused) would/should understand what you're going through and what happened completely, and be completely empathetic towards you
Just some of the thoughts going through my mind were/are that you shouldn't at all feel embarrassed, shameful, guilty............(those kinds of feelings) in talking about it, you shouldn't feel that your T has any right/reason to judge you negatively for what happened, based on your background you're reacting to what you shouldn't have had to experience in the first place in a completely understandable way............you shouldn't be seen as screwed up, you were reacting understandably to something that should never, ever have happened to you........and you do only deserve to be treated in an empathetic, sensitive, caring and respectful way and extended the support you need to work through/past what happened to you in the past and the effect it's having on you now.
I know it might be real hard for you to believe/feel any of that but to me, to many others and hopefully to your T that is as it is.
So hopefully you can maybe try to give your T some more details???
But if not, right now...........just say the word and I, for one, am more than willing to talk with you more about it.
Fact: you deserve support/help with all you've been through and are going through, and thankyou again for sharing

Alison

I did share the childhood memory with her, and other similar memories. I told her from the start that the situation wasn't sexual in nature (which it wasn't, not even a little), and also that it wasn't dangerous, illegal, or something that she would have a duty of care towards. Just to cover all my safety bases.

We tend to repeat what happened to us in childhood, to perhaps "fix" it or try to make some sense of it. I hope you will share what happened; it might be such a relief......and she cannot help you unless you talk about it.

I think it might have been a mistake to bring it up with her at all...I really don't think she would know what to do with it, and I am embarrassed about it and ashamed of it, and I think it would just be more evidence of how screwed up I am. And she's going to think it all has to do with trauma, which is going to confuse me even more, since I have had this interest literally as long as I can remember, prior to trauma occurring. I think T just won't know how to respond or what to say and it will make me feel even more like a freak than I already feel. It already feels like I've said too much, like a part of me I've always kept hidden for my whole life is out there now, even in a small way, and I'm scared! I think maybe we should just forget I ever said anything.

Hi Yearning,

Please try not to feel badly about sharing, about yourself, about what happened
And you absolutely aren't a freak, in no way at all!!
The interest may have been there prior, and that's alright and you might have still gone ahead with the appointment, and that's alright too............but I'd say that at the actual time, what actually happened/the intensity/the feelings/the lack of feelings/the effects/your thoughts........all of that..........might well have been linked with the trauma you experienced. And if I'm right, then the wanting you have for it to happen like that again might more be linked with a need created by the trauma.
And again........please try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it, it's understandable. IMO what you need now is the support/help to process and work through what happened to you and/or where you are right now to get you to a "better place"............so if you could try not to allow anything hold you back from getting that.
You are not a freak and you truly deserve that support/help.



Alison

I totally get where you are coming from. I was sexually abused as a small child. I was a sex addict for many years because of this. I thought that sex and love were the same thing. The weird thing is that when I did have sex I wanted it to be over with as fast as possible. I wanted to get off and be done. Sometimes I would go numb when it was happening. When we are abused as children we come to believe that it is normal. Then when we get out on our own we continue the behavior because that is what we learned. I am working with a therapist now doing a 12 week PTSD course. I am learning about stuck points where something happens, you tell yourself something, you feel something. Stuck points are thoughts that you have that keep you from recovering. They often use the words "if" "never" "always". For example "If I would have said no I wouldn't have been raped", or "I should have known better", or "I must control everything that happens to me". I urge you to talk to your Therapist about this! It has helped me immensely and changed my thinking about myself and my life.

Without wanting to hijack this thread (which I can relate to, btw. I've been in similar situations where there significant spanking didn't penetrate my exoskeleton) - can you open a thread about the 12-wk PTSD course.

It sounds like you dissociated. You're not a freak btw.