Dissociation and other effects of abuse

Hello! I have been struggling with this for quite some time. I won't go into details but I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by my neighbor's niece, and my grandma used to touch me inappropriately around that age as well. She stopped when I told my mom about the sexual assault from the neighbor's niece.

I am just focusing on the assault from the neighbor's niece. I am very confused because I feel very numb thinking about it. I have to force myself to feel angry about it or else I will feel nothing at all. I cannot remember everything, only parts of it. I cannot remember going back home afterwards or how things started and that is what scares me. My therapist said it seems like I dissociated from the event. It's scaring me because if my mind shut down during that assault and those memories are repressed, then it probably meant something intense was happening. It's just bothering me that something more could have happened because I am now realizing that what I remember is pretty bad as it is.

What also sucks is that I am now beginning to realize that it has affected me where romantic relationships are concerned. I am not able to feel sexual attraction towards people. I have tried to see my crushes in a sexual way and I was disgusted and I felt as if I disrespected them. It did nothing for me at all. I feel arousal, just not sexual attraction towards people.

Other than that, I am scared to get close to people. I am afraid they take advantage of me.

Also, I am not sure if this is the right forum to place this in, but I am afraid that my kinks and fetishes arose from the abuse, because I discovered my kinks right after the abuse, around the age of 6, and at that age a 6 yr old should not know those things.

I am just so lost and confused and I needed to write this somewhere.

I just feel like such a weirdo.

I'd be grateful for any insight or advice that people have.

I've been thinking of joining a sexual abuse survivors group. Do you guys think that might help?

Thank you.

Hi starryprince,
I have a very similar problem with relationships that stem from sexual abuse at a young age. Yor not a weirdo.
As far as a support group, I think it will help if you are ready to be open about your experience and are ready to hear other experiences. Have you asked your therapist about a group?

I don't know if it's dissociation because I haven't experienced that. But I was also abused starting at age 3 by my father. He was never punished for it and I was never removed from the situation, so it continued for years and years. I also have trouble feeling anger towards my father -- not that I'm not totally disgusted by him, I am. I just can't feel anger because I wasn't allowed to. In order to feel the appropriate anger towards him, I have to sit around and think about different things he did to me all afternoon. I have to focus really hard.

Part of my recovery has been owning and honoring my feelings. It's a long road.

I think joining a group is a great idea. Hearing other people talk about their situation may be hard at first but it is ultimately taught me a lot about coping, perspective, learning self esteem and confidence, putting blame where it goes and not dragging it around with me.

At first, I didn't "want to be part of the club" because I was so wrapped up in the shame and disgust of being a victim. Eventually I realized that wasn't my disgust or shame, that belonged to my abuser and that's his burden to bear.

Never forget: You're extremely strong. You've already done the hardest part and that's survive the abuse itself.

Thanks a lot. It's hard, sometimes. I am very sorry you have a similar problem to me. I really wish you didn't. I have spoken about it with my therapist, and she thinks a group would be a great idea. But you have a point: it'll help if I'm ready to be open but it's been a year and I still haven't been that open about it in therapy. My feelings surrounding my abuse is very conflicting and makes things more confusing. =/ Thank you for responding!

I'm so sorry you went through that. My mother never confronted my abuser because my grandma said not to and she also said, "They may think we're lying". I was young, so I could not articulate well what happened, and my mother recently told my grandmother after I told her. My grandmother had the nerve to say, "If you told me all of that happened, I would have told your mother to confront them". Absolutely disgusting, invalidating my experience at the time. Learning to validate my feelings was a big part of my therapy. My family was very, "Think positive thoughts" and, from my grandma, "You're too sensitive/ You're making a problem out of nothing". So it's been a long road but I have come a long way.

I am definitely going to think about joining a group. I think it will be beneficial, once I can get to the bottom of my feelings and learn to express myself without just feeling emptiness.

You're very strong too, and thank you for the reply!

Survivors support groups are great...Dont put any presure open up when its available to do so..Use other topics to try to get a level of safety...Basically you might not unumb for a while. I have the severess form of dissociation which resulted me splitting due to chronic dissociation....Dissociation identity disorder/PTSD a few other co morbid dx. Thats normal when u can handle the memories via a conversation it will happen for you.

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Find out what kind of therapy the group is using. If it's CPT, it sounds like you're not ready. That's a trauma processing group that digs deep.

But a regular survivors group could be good for you. They don't force you to talk. You can hold back as much as you need to. In my experience the conversations center on the emotions, such as anger, shame, resentment, etc rather than the events that happened. It's a group, so the conversation is steered in a way that others can relate, and a good leader will keep one person from getting swept away by their own story. That gets saved for individual therapy.

It sucks that other people are suffering, but a group shows you you're not crazy and you're not alone. I've always felt very bonded to the other group members after hearing bits of their struggles.

Hello starryprince. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible exleriençe at such a young age. I'm sure that you have just made a huge step towards working through this trauma. It isn't easy to finally talk about it as well as reach out to others that have had similar experiences in life. You are not weird. I also feel weird, mainly because I am trying to remember what happened to me. I don't remember the first 6 1/2 years in my life. I know my siblings were tormented at this time. I am not sure if I also experienced it, or witnessed it. I am struggling to solidify any memories. It's not working yet for me. You are in my thoughts. Stay strong.

Hello just know that you are not alone in this, I too had the same thing happen to me and I know that I knew things that no child at my age should have known. Same with the kinks and fetish although I'll never tell a soul what they are. However I do believe that I repressed a lot of those memories and I know I disassociate as I still do it to this day in certain situations. A group might help I'm trying to convince myself that I need help and can't do this alone and need someone to talk to. I wish you good luck in this journey and just know you are not alone at all.

Hey starryprince, you definitely aren't alone in dissociating. I have some memory problems concerning my abuse and whenever I think about it I normally feel disconnected from it. I also wonder if the fact that I am asexual comes from sexual abuse, and I do have kinks that I had at a young age.

Also, it sucks that your grandmother was invalidating.