Did I bring it upon myself?

Trigger - please be careful!

My other post is here: Click here!

I still haven't gone and got any sort of therapy to deal with it. I was on vacation, and now I'm back and I think I'm backsliding with so much other stuff I'm trying to deal with that I kinda put it on the back burner.

I keep thinking that I brought it upon myself. I didnt want to say who it was before... but it was him, one of the two men who should have loved me as a daughter... and he didn't. My mom isn't even married to him, I refuse to call that man my father.

Did I bring it upon myself? All I keep thinking is that it was my fault once again. I flirt without meaning to, people have told me that. Maybe it was my fault. I'm a bad person... some part of me keeps saying that I must have enjoyed it, but my brain doesnt remember, I dont want to remember. Please just make my brain stop, I cant remember. It will hurt too much. Body works against me ... shouldnt have enjoyed it. bad bad Christina. Sick sick sick. I deserved it, I deserve it to happen again. He made it my choice, he told me so. so confused, how can it be bad when he tells me afterwards I can choose if it happens again? didnt choose the first time though... didnt want it but didnt stop it and so its all my fault again. I'm a bad person so very bad no wonder I'm so screwed up. its all my fault. just glad he'd never lay a hand on my sisters, they're good girls they dont put up with crap they dont let people walk all over them. my fault for trying to make everyone happy once again. hurt myself to make other people happy. my fault my decision to not upset anyone ever. (and yes, they'd tell me if something bad happened) keep thinking that if it was a bit worse i'd have something to complain about, because what happened to me is nothing. absolutely nothing. I am nothing. Nothing happened. he didn't hurt me.

DAMMIT I just want this cycle in my head to end already.

I'm gonna go cry in my corner alone again. all I deserve.

Bad Christina.

stuff in the feelings. stuff in the bad thoughts. no way to deal. cant cut cant do anything cant get this out of my head feel like i'm drowning.

help ... I cant ask for help. I cant get out of this alone anymore.

((((((((((Christina))))))))))))

Sweety....the way to deal with this and get your head to stop spinning is to work through it. Talk about it to a T, someone who understands the ramifications of what happened to you and can help you understand that it was NOT your fault.

Adults who take advantage of a child are responsible for this, not you. You were lied to. I don't care if you did flirt a bit, he was the adult and should have known better. It is NOT your fault that someone took from you something they should have never taken.

You never deserved to have this happen to you. You are NOT bad. You are left with picking up the pieces. It is possible to do just that hon. Talk with someone, talk to your T. Let the healing begin because you deserve to have some peace in your world. It will not be easy, but you will get through this.

Of course, we are always here to talk to also. I'm sorry you are feeling so badly hon. I wish for you good things, strength and comfort.

Hugsssss
J

Gentle hugs(((((((( Christina )))))))))

A child can never be blamed for the abuse that happens to them. We are conditioned and made to believe, by the abuser that we wanted it, we asked for it etc........ but think about it, we had no choice. As a child or young person you wouldn't have been able to say, "Excuse me please, I don't want to do that............" Survival would have meant doing what ever it was in order to survive.

Another way to look at it is......................if a child came up to you and told you that they had been abused. Would you blame the child? No, you wouldn't, so please be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, I hope you can find a T soon to help you feel better about it all.

Take care.

i understand the anger you feel inside.. you have turned it towards yourself, though. Wanting to feel like you could have controlled it because of the shame you feel inside. Christina, you couldnt have and he was wrong to even place that guilt on you. Imagine the power differential that existed there, the child-like way of thinking you were at, and the knowledge he had that he was doing something wrong. Its clear, he was to blame. Please stay safe.

I dont know why I posted. Sorry for wasting everyone's time... my problems seem so insignificant. The more I think, the more I literally flinch. I go home to visit and he'll just innocently touch me (non-sexual) and I will literally flinch. suprised nobody notices.

Thanks for all your replies... I'm gonna try to find a good T, but will see how that works out... sigh. Cant afford to pay a lot at all.

I hate how I'm so willing to blame myself, when it's true... if it happened to someone else, it would never ever ever be their fault. I seem to evade all the logical rules in my head. Rules dont apply to Christina. (mad at myself)

much love you wonderful people, and to everyone who PMed me too.

<font color="green">Candy,
I know exactly where you are coming from cos I have lived there and sometimes have to spend some more time there without much warning. I hate working through it; I hate remembering it; I hate that it is both a body memory and burned into my mind. I was not a young child, I was a teenager and thought myself quite mature, but HE was the adult and what happened was HIS responsibility.

I am raising two girls from our state’s foster care system; they were both highly sexualized at placement. They used to act out to both my DH and I, strangely enough being responsible adults we never took them up on any of their many offers. Thinking about that reminds me that my abuser could have said no, he didn’t have to groom me for his bed. He was way more sophisticated than I was and he set me up to believe I caused it to happen. My body loved it but I hated it and I hate it still today. Sometime I wish I could cut off his ‘parts’ and shove them down his throat.

We were not responsible for what happened and we do not need to feel guilty and ashamed that we were children and naïve. Please talk to your therapist about this, I could not have done any of this on my own – I would still be cutting and ashamed without her help.

Safe hugs {{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}
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it may seem twisted to say this, but i remember when i was little, i loved my mom so much that i wanted to give her the love that i've seen people do when they're in love. i was just a kid and had no idea that there are different kinds of love. i offered to french kiss my mother. and, she just lovingly refused that in a gentle way that never made me feel bad for doing what i idid. she told me that she loved me very much and thanked me for the offer, but it's different kind that would understand once i'm older. it was such a good memory because she was so responsible and loving. it's not that hard to do to refuse when a kid flirts, no matter much they flirt, without making them feel bad about what they're doing. i had been sexually assaulted by my own father, so i know what you are going through. i'm just glad to have one parent that was good to me. i'm grateful, actually.