[Purple Heart]

Hi, I've had memories that surfaced in my late 30s of being sexually abused in early teens. I saw my T today and she seemed surprised that I had amnesia of it happening. Before late 30s, I've had NO MEMORIES of sexual abuse in early teens. Has anyone else had this experience? Or have the memories stayed intact right from the beginning of the sexual abuse? Now I'm feeling utterly confused that maybe I wasn't sexually abused afterall? She said to have amnesia the abuse had to be a matter of life or death (attempting to kill) rather than sexual abuse. Please help me anyone have an experience like me??

PH

[PumpkinPieHead]

I don't have experience with this but I'd like to offer a hug.

I hope someone chimes in who can help

Hi PH. I can't really offer any advice, but everything you said has happened to me too. I've read so much about this phenomena - trying to understand what to believe and what to not believe of my 'memories'. I haven't yet reached a conclusion. One thing I think your T may have not thought much about, is that what feels like a life or death situation to a young child, is completely different to what would feel like a life or death situation to a grown adult. For that level of amnesia to exist, the child must have experienced something that was just too much to process.

[czarina1984]

I'm 31 and I blocked all but one very hazy memory until three weeks ago. Then everything hit like a load of bricks. The abuse for me seems to go from age 3-14. You aren't alone.

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[Saltine American]

There are things I did not remember until my 30's. with my T's help I remembered When I was young, maybe 5 or so knocking on my parents door and a stranger opened it and told me to get lost. he was in his underwear and my mother was on the bed naked crying hysterically. I could never bring this up to her now. but I do know the man that opened that door. he's dead now.

[Rainydaiz]

Yes. No memory at all till last year (40). Began to realise but at first thought it had been my dr. This year realised it was my dad. As soon as I realised I got full blown PTSD. I am probably DD-NOS too. It has been a nightmare but nothing major has come back - just flashbacks to the terror and weird visual memories that don't seem linked to the abuse but to childhood objects I had forgotten about. Also body memories- horrible stuff. Since April I have been heaving every time I brush my teeth. Weird sensation in my shoulder blade that fills me with panic when I feel it. Night terrors where I'm screaming don't touch me etc. Keep hold of what you know and believe because I find with so few memories it's hard to keep believing. But I know it's true. Believe yourself. It does happen it is more common than you think. Have a read of some of my threads when I first began to realise. I'm in a completely different place now. A few of my threads will tell the story of how it started to come back. I believe you. Completely. Keep believing.

[Rainydaiz]

She said to have amnesia the abuse had to be a matter of life or death (attempting to kill) rather than sexual abuse. Please help me anyone have an experience like me??

PH[/QUOTE]
Sorry but I disagree with your t here. Any trauma can cause amnesia. I understand what she is saying about life and death but think it is a kind of misunderstanding.
I have copied a sample from a webpage on psychogenic amnesia:

It is most commonly associated with traumatic events or violent experiences involving emotional shock, such as being mugged or raped or involved in car crash. Those at increased risk include those sexually or physically abused during childhood, those who have experienced domestic violence, natural disasters, terrorist acts, etc, soldiers who have experienced combat, and essentially anyone who has experienced any sufficiently severe psychological stress, internal conflict or intolerable life situation.

Basically you can get the amnesia because you just couldn't process what was happening to you. You needed to dissociate from what was happening. Also if you had to continue to live with your abuser, amnesia is more likely as you needed to stay in that situation for your survival, meaning you had to dissociate from what was happening. However any kind of trauma can cause amnesia.

[CopperStar]

Your therapist sounds pretty ignorant to me, maybe consider getting a new one.

The perceptions of situations through the eyes and mind of a child are VERY different from the perceptions of situation through the eyes and mind of an adult.

For one, children instinctively understand that without caregivers, they will die, which means that not being rejected by their parent(s) is in fact a matter of life and death on a psychological, instinctive level. So if a caregiver requires a child to tolerate abuse in order to be accepted and cared for, that means that enduring the abuse (in the eyes of the child) is a matter of life and death.

This is a very basic concept when it comes to childhood trauma, so again your T doesn't sound very qualified.

[CopperStar]

Also, here is the deal on repressed memories, they are not as magical or mysterious as a lot of people act like they are.

First you should know that repressed memories were widely researched, understood and considered valid when the focus was just on war veterans. Most people in the psych field had an easy, straightforward time understanding how seeing your friend get blown up could be really traumatic. However, when the focus shifted to CSA/abuse survivors, suddenly a large chunk of the professional field started arguing against the notion of repressed memories. After all of the material I've read on the matter, I get the strong impression that it was a combination of two things:

1. The approach to the initial research had a big fallacy in it, which was that since repressed memories were happening in war veterans, experiences in war must be the only thing that can cause repressed memories. I mean, really, derp.
2. A lot of people were extremely uncomfortable with the idea that CSA could be as traumatizing as almost dying in combat. However it doesn't surprise me, psych professionals are humans, too, with their own dysfunctions, insecurities and secrets.

But you should know that repressed memories have been researched, understood and validated WELL before a bunch of freaked-out psych professionals started back-pedaling in the face of a very uncomfortable topic.

As far as how it works:

You have a lot of memories from your childhood stored in your brain, but they can't all be at the forefront of your conscious mind 24/7. You have experienced soooo many things throughout your life, formed sooo many memories, but you need to focus on a lot of stuff in the here-and-now to survive and function. You can't be thinking about 10,000 memories all at once. So you don't.

However, if you were in the grocery store and suddenly a song from your childhood came over the intercom radio, your brain would still have that memory of that song, and that memory would be activated and brought to the forefront of your conscious mind. You would probably like, "Oh wow, I haven't heard this song in 30 years! I completely forgot it existed!"

Memories repressed due to trauma work very similarly. The difference is that the reason they are not at the forefront of your conscious awareness, is because they were traumatic and your mind disassociated from them, stuffed those memories away. But the memories still existed down there, just like the memories of childhood songs.

Then just like the memory of the childhood song could be activated by hearing it in the grocery store, memories of a traumatic experience could be triggered by something that really taps hard into your subconscious mind. Also in most cases, several factors need to line up in order for memory to be activated, and not blocked by disassociation, at the same time.

As an example, Smells. The olfactory portion of your brain (smell processing) is strongly connected to your memory storage. Smells can often trigger even very old memories for this reason.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by Rainydaiz

She said to have amnesia the abuse had to be a matter of life or death (attempting to kill) rather than sexual abuse. Please help me anyone have an experience like me??

PH

Sorry but I disagree with your t here. Any trauma can cause amnesia. I understand what she is saying about life and death but think it is a kind of misunderstanding.
I have copied a sample from a webpage on psychogenic amnesia:

It is most commonly associated with traumatic events or violent experiences involving emotional shock, such as being mugged or raped or involved in car crash. Those at increased risk include those sexually or physically abused during childhood, those who have experienced domestic violence, natural disasters, terrorist acts, etc, soldiers who have experienced combat, and essentially anyone who has experienced any sufficiently severe psychological stress, internal conflict or intolerable life situation.

Basically you can get the amnesia because you just couldn't process what was happening to you. You needed to dissociate from what was happening. Also if you had to continue to live with your abuser, amnesia is more likely as you needed to stay in that situation for your survival, meaning you had to dissociate from what was happening. However any kind of trauma can cause amnesia.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for this. Also to add, she seemed to suggest that if I was sexually abused early teenage years then I should remember it. It would only be amnesia from teenage years if I was threaten with death. I guess she is also implying that pre-teen years you can have amnesia with sexual abuse because I guess you're more vulnerable. Thoughts?

[Purple Heart]

Thanks for your thoughtful replies people.

I just saw my other T who I have been seeing for a while (for CBT). Sometimes I bring up my childhood stuff with him. As I explained it all to him again and what this new T said who is dealing with my CSA, he said it is 'unusual' that the memories suddenly started so late (age 39) that pertain to CSA. So what am I to make of that?

I told him how do you explain that my life has transformed since reliving and processing trauma specific to CSA at age 12 & 14? As I have worked through these traumas I have become more confident, 'found myself', happier and no longer lost! Also my self-esteem is gradually getting better! This process gives authenticity to the belief that I was sexually abused.

But now I've met two T's who are skeptical that memories of CSA can suddenly start so late in adulthood.

The thing is that these memories form the main basis for not attending family Christmas. What am I to do? I just can't see this sister as I've had vivid memories of her interfering with me at the above ages in childhood. Then I start fearing that maybe they're right and I think to myself that maybe I have had a delusional disorder all along. But I've had psycho-somatic sensations, flashbacks, vomiting and I have been soooo mentally unwell all my adult life up until age 39. So I'm confused. I just don't feel like going back to this new T as I think she will keep invalidating my truth.

PH

[Rainydaiz]

Thanks for this. Also to add, she seemed to suggest that if I was sexually abused early teenage years then I should remember it. It would only be amnesia from teenage years if I was threaten with death. I guess she is also implying that pre-teen years you can have amnesia with sexual abuse because I guess you're more vulnerable. Thoughts?[/QUOTE]

No I don't agree with that at all. Amnesia can happen for any traumatic event at any age! Studies have shown this. She needs to do a bit more studying. I always hate it if people criticise my t so sorry if that's true for you too. I think you need someone who specialises in trauma and dissociation. Have a look at the book The Stranger in the Mirror. Also keep believing yourself. Am here for any questions as have been on this road since last year and my memories are very slow at coming back. If I can help in any way I will. But I am only one person experiencing it one way and sure it'll be different for you. Take care.

[Cat_Lover_58]

My memories of CSA didn't start to really surface for about 10 years. I was 16~

Many times I thought myself inadequate for doubting my memories. I'm 57 and some of it is still becoming clearer. I now certainly trust my memories/thoughts/fears more than in the past.

I think this T sounds a little ignorant..

[Miktis25]

My stepfather and I both have dissociative amnesia - I'm 19 and my memories are coming back and he's now 65 with memories still coming back, having only started to remember a few years ago. There's no set 'age' for when they come back, and for some they never remember at all. Not only can the amnesia happen for trauma at any age, but the memories can come back at any age.

Like the previous poster said, I think you should believe in yourself; everyone experiences this differently, and just because it isn't the most common experience the therapists have seen doesn't make it any less real or valid

[Elsie6283]

This is a very interesting thread for me, and I will take the time to read it in a while.
I've started having feelings that something happened to me, but I don't know what or when. Certain events seem to trigger the feelings, and they get stronger every time.
I bought a book called "Secret Survivors" by E. Sue Blume which focuses on repressed memories amongst other issues relating to sexual abuse. It's very insightful without pushing you at all to try and remember anything. I highly recommend it, even if you just read the two relevant chapters on repression.

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[Elsie6283]

Sorry I should have said that the book explains attitudes like that of your therapist, and what other posters are saying is right, something so terrifying, whether life threatening or not, is incomprehensible to a child, so it is impossible to say that one reaction is "incorrect" and therefore signifies something else. Everyone reacts to the same even differently, it's to do with how they experience and perceive it.
Maybe your therapist just hasn't explained him/herself very well, or maybe they just don't understand very well. You should probably try and discuss this further with them.

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[Purple Heart]

Thanks for your replies people!

I'd like to hear of other people who also might have experienced amnesia and recovered memories later in life? For me the recovered memories are very real and it is like reliving the trauma event, even though it happened decades ago.

PH

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Thanks for your replies people!

I'd like to hear of other people who also might have experienced amnesia and recovered memories later in life? For me the recovered memories are very real and it is like reliving the trauma event, even though it happened decades ago.

PH

If I get a chance later I'll see if my stepdad has anything helpful I could send you - his memory started coming back when he was about 62, which I realise is later than for you but even so.
It is very much like reliving the event - personally fore when I remember something I see/feel/hear it happening exactly the way it happened, and I have a feeling like an electric shock going through me.

[Purple Heart]

I seen this new T for about 3 sessions now. I think I might stop seeing her. I think she stated in our last sessions that she is unsure of my sexual abuse. What gives a T a right to tell their client that it is not true what they experienced???

I'm still having flashbacks and physiological sensations that relate to being sexually abused. This is not my imagination and I don't think I have a delusional disorder. It has been going on for over 3 years but the flashbacks are less now. Has anyone else experienced flashbacks over quite a period of time? The T just seems to have 'tunnel vision' of how sexual abuse should manifest and sees mine as outside the norm so therefore discard.

PH

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Has anyone else experienced flashbacks over quite a period of time? The T just seems to have 'tunnel vision' of how sexual abuse should manifest and sees mine as outside the norm so therefore discard.

PH

My flashbacks started in September last year, and are still pretty much daily. Im in my late thirties. The very first flashback was the very worst - where the whole of me felt like I experiencing it. Now its not so bad. I get mainly physiological effects with little emotional / mental involvement. (I am completely aware where I am, what Im doing when it happens).

Over time I've started building a picture. So where as the first flashback was horrific and traumatising it was only maybe a minute or two of an event which I had no previous recollection of. It easily could have been brushed off as my sick and twisted imagination. Over the months my memories have increased so there are relatively few blanks. My T described it perfectly as watching a plant grow. Each time I visit it, it has a few more leaves. Because Im now seeing a bigger picture, Im finding it harder to say I imagined this all, that it is a delusion. The original flashback memory is now maybe twenty minutes long - and has been joined by many others.

Its looking more and more likely these memories are real memories. And whats more, the more I read about this phenomena (and I only read 'text' books, not self help or personal stories) the more I understand that what I am going through is an absolutely text book CSA survivor experience. There is reams of information for therapists on what causes recovered memories, how to identify memories from delusions, and how to treat it. I think you are right to question continuing with your current T ---- she does not sound well read or knowledgeable or empathic to your situation.

[Purple Heart]

Originally Posted by CassyO

My flashbacks started in September last year, and are still pretty much daily. Im in my late thirties. The very first flashback was the very worst - where the whole of me felt like I experiencing it. Now its not so bad. I get mainly physiological effects with little emotional / mental involvement. (I am completely aware where I am, what Im doing when it happens).

Over time I've started building a picture. So where as the first flashback was horrific and traumatising it was only maybe a minute or two of an event which I had no previous recollection of. It easily could have been brushed off as my sick and twisted imagination. Over the months my memories have increased so there are relatively few blanks. My T described it perfectly as watching a plant grow. Each time I visit it, it has a few more leaves. Because Im now seeing a bigger picture, Im finding it harder to say I imagined this all, that it is a delusion. The original flashback memory is now maybe twenty minutes long - and has been joined by many others.

Its looking more and more likely these memories are real memories. And whats more, the more I read about this phenomena (and I only read 'text' books, not self help or personal stories) the more I understand that what I am going through is an absolutely text book CSA survivor experience. There is reams of information for therapists on what causes recovered memories, how to identify memories from delusions, and how to treat it. I think you are right to question continuing with your current T ---- she does not sound well read or knowledgeable or empathic to your situation.

Hi

Thanks for your post. For me the memories are very real and the flashbacks. Its like I'm watching a movie at age 12 of everything that was done to me. I just feel I'm not being validated by this service where I see the new T. I rang her just before. I said I needed to get off my chest about what she thinks about my flashbacks? She said human nature is complex and kept saying 'I don't know' to my questions. She said she couldn't talk about it right now on the phone but could talk more about it at our next appointment. From speaking to other T's there, I just feel they don't really believe in my memories of being sexually abused because it is outside their understanding of how it should manifest. Basically if it doesn't fit within the norm of most people I get a sense it is disregarded and so don't believe the validity of my memories.

PH

[RedSun]

Purple, I have (I think) recovered memories of csa from age 13 to 14 in the past year of being in therapy. I'm 39 too.
At first I felt my t didn't believe me too. She says now hat she does and always has but tbh it was a bit rocky to begin with. I didn't believe me either, and still have lots of questions, but when I 'allow' myself to think its true, something very tense and held feels a bit freer.

I think my T didn't believe me initially because I was trying to find a way through different memories...and almost saying some memories to see if they felt true when I said them if that makes sense, and getting confused...also I didn't believe it myself and didn't want to believe it so she may have picked up on that...and because a t has to be so incredibly careful that at no point can a client turn round and say 'T you said I was abused, you put these thoughts in my head'. It's so risky and controversial.

I had a few fragments which I hadn't thought of for years, it felt irrelevant, but when I looked back here fragments didn't make sense, eg
Trigger

Of him making me watch porn

That didn't fit in if something bad hadn't happened.
Purple, do look through my old threads if you want, I started some almost exactly the same as yours. Maybe look for a new T as well, you deserve to have support from someone who can honour and hold your experience.
Red xxx

[nicoleflynn]

She obviously isn't trained to help you. A good t believes what you tell them; if she can't help you she needs to send you to someone who can.

[Parva]

I did, but it wasn't about sexual abuse. It was physical abuse. It was one particular time in which my father beat me until I defected on him. I had told my wife about this years before I started therapy, but I didn't recall that memory again until I was 3 years into therapy. In fact, I don't remember telling my wife about it, so of course I question if it's real or false, but given that I told someone else prior to therapy suggests that it was real. So the brain can hide memories, at least I think so.

[sub-dural]

Ugh. Well I started having recovered memories of csa when I was around 23. Many years had passed and bits, pieces, and fragments came out of nowhere. I was just at the point of working on the physical and psychological abuse I endured as a child, and I completely shut down when the other memories started coming back. I've actually successfully (in my mind) kept the fragmented recovered memories from age 23 at the same stage for 6 years.

I've had no interest in remembering them. I've also used drugs (mostly those that were prescribed) and heavy avoidance and dissociation to keep it at bay. I'm back in therapy and these recovered memories are circling my brain again and scaring the sh--t out of me that I will remember more. I don't want to. It's like still dealing with the daily stress crap and the childhood trauma, adult trauma, and now extra plus trauma? You know what I mean. I've been really trying to get myself into counseling to get off of valium, specifically, but it scares me to be completely sober of it as it works very well as a memory suppressant. Too well, because it begins affecting everything, obviously. But the fear I have of total recall overwhelms me.

I just think.. Why do people bother having kids. I know a lot of people are just sadistic and continue a cycle.. But here we are going to therapy, doing meds, using support groups to end the pain and suffering of it all... And it's a lifetime of work. Existential dilemmas, and all.