ANGRY at me

I'm so angry with myself. Why do I let him have such power over me? He's been dead for years but his messages are still stuck in my head. On some level I know these messages are garbage but I can't get beyond them.
I feel so alone-- and it's my own fault. I put up walls and don't let others in. Noone knows the real me. I want to let others in but I'm too afraid. I'm a coward. I can't even bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I can't get the words out-- I just freeze.
How do you get beyond this? It seems so hopeless

Mick -

First of all, try not to be so mad at yourself. There is no reason to be angry with yourself, it will only prevent the healing that you need.

You were an innocent victim that someone took advantage of. Because of that you grew through life not being able to trust people. How many years have you lived with that and then how many years have you really worked on the issue?

Sometimes we think the problems should be solved overnight because they hurt so bad, but when the messages were drilled into us for years, it takes time to get over that.

If you can trust just one person, even a T, then that is a start. I firmly believe that those of us who have been abused have a sixth sense on who we can trust. Trust that gut feeling and take it slow. You don't have to trust anyone you don't want to, but if you dont' trust anyone it will hold you back and make for a lonely life.

Be gentle with yourself and keep working, it will get better.

Tranquility

You sound like you have some of the symptoms of PTSD. you might think about looking into a therapist for that, because they are sskilled in being gentle with you so not to intrude your boundaries, but also skilled in getting those boundaries to be weaker. They will help you not have that freeze response. You are in my thoughts.

Hi Mick07,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. It's hard when you're still "hearing" old messages from the past, and it seems like the messages are going around and around in a loop in your head. I've had trouble with that, too, at times.

Like the others have said here, finding a counselor or therapist might be helpful. You can keep writing here, too. And even though it's hard to open up to friends, that may be something that takes some work and some practice. Maybe you can try opening up on easier issues first before you try talking about the harder ones? Try talking about things you enjoy doing - hobbies? Movies you really like? Your favorite restaurants and types of foods? Vacation spots you wish you could visit? Ask your friends about things they enjoy doing and get them to talk. I find that works pretty well, and then conversation flows more easily.

And in terms of getting the endless messages in your head to budge, have you tried using various forms of distraction? Are there things you like to do that can help you distract yourself a bit? Take a walk...do some crossword puzzles....go see a movie....bake some cookies and take some to a friend?....do a craft....play online solitaire...write a letter to a friend....write in your journal....and so forth. Sometimes using distraction can help get our mind going in different directions. Or at least it can help me, and I've read that it is helpful to others too.

Wishing you all the best....take good care of you.

Take care,
ErinBear