[Christina86]

Tried to talk about it... tried to forget about it... tried to minimize its impact ... tried to minimize the pain... tried to blame it on myself.

And the only thing that is working is me saying that it is all my fault.



It had to have been my fault. I'm a bad person. I'm confusing myself. I just want the pain to go away. So scared to talk about it... hurts too much. Keep flinching whenever people touch me anywhere close to there now.

Need to deal with it but all I want to do is forget.

Please just let me forget.

But I can't because now people say that this could be one of the reasons why I have such difficulty trusting, that it could be part of the reason I SI ... and it wont go away until I deal with what happened.

And the only people I can talk to are you all.

I feel so guilty. Stupid body for reacting. Stupid mind for not forgetting. Stupid me for letting it happen.

I have to live with this every time I see him now...

I refuse to say he's related to me in any way. I refuse to think of him in a positive manner. He's a sick guy who infects everyone around him with negativity, forces them to deal with his drinking. Controlling, hurting and always so loud. But he only ever touched me. Why is that? What did I do wrong. I know I'm bad and a burden and horrible, but why me. Dont wish it on anyone else, but WHY.

And it wasn't even that bad. Not anything as bad as most of you have experienced. I should stop complaining.

But I hurt so much right now and I dont know how to fix it. Drink it away. Cut out the badness. Cry ... drown myself in tears. Nothing like that will work.

Numb. Please just let my emotions be numb.

No more emotions, please.

safe gentle hugs
its not ur fault
its never ur fault

[Christina86]

I wish I could believe that...

thanks ((((elsqueelio))))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((Fuzzy)))))))))

Thanks my friend... I could use an umbrella.

[beelieving]

Hi canders7,

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. I know it’s difficult to hear, but it’s not your fault. I’m not sure what happened exactly but just from your posting I can tell you’ve been hurt. We’re all so quick to point out our flaws and take the blame for things. For whatever it’s worth, there’s something that has helped me with ptsd and abuse related issues. When I find myself saying how bad I was and how it’s all my fault, I replace myself with a dear friend or small child that I know. When I imagine the act being done to someone other than myself, I usually get very disgusted and angry and want to beat the **** out of the person who hurt me. It’s an easier way to see how you had nothing to do with what happened and how that person was in total violation. And the part where you say that it wasn’t even that bad... if it hurt “you” than it was bad. And I’m so sorry you’ve been suffering from it. You have lots of love here. Keep sharing.

Super safe hug. ~ Bee

...and here's another umbrella to go along with Fuzzybear's.

[Christina86]

(((((((((Bee)))))))))))

Thanks you for being so supportive. I'll try that again... I hope it eventually works without me trying

[pachyderm]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
canders7 said:
Tried to talk about it... tried to forget about it... tried to minimize its impact ... tried to minimize the pain... tried to blame it on myself.

And the only thing that is working is me saying that it is all my fault.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know the feeling too. Blaming yourself seems to make the anxiety less. Maybe you are taking the blame before someone else can blame you.

[tranquility]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
canders7 said:
And the only thing that is working is me saying that it is all my fault.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

hmm....doesn't seem to be working

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b][i] but why me. Dont wish it on anyone else, but WHY.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No one know why. Why did my grandfather abuse me and not my sister? Maybe because I was an easier target - I was more emotional, more craving of affection, had less self esteem. Maybe he knew I wouldn't say anything.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b][i]
And it wasn't even that bad. Not anything as bad as most of you have experienced. I should stop complaining.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I could have the most tragic thing in the world happen to me, but my pain would be the same as your pain. The circumstance isn't what matters, it's the feelings you are left with.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
[b][i]
Numb. Please just let my emotions be numb.
No more emotions, please.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Sometimes we feel too much all at once and it's okay to take a break from it - but you don't need to be numb. Find something you enjoy that can take your mind of this. Read a book, go for a walk in the woods, lay outside with the warm sun on your face, go to the gym, whatever can be a distraction.

(((((((Canders)))))))))

Tranquility

[Irine]

the blame..i had a discussion somewhere where the lector asked:

"why do you think the person who was abused feels blame?"
and i said :
"because they are afraid to admit they were out of control in that sitiation"
she said it was right.
someone said "hey great! how you know"
i could tell him it would be better for me to NEVER know, but i know. from exeprience. like you know.
i am sure you didn`t know you wouol feel the way you feel now! i am sure that this horrible resolt is what you never though could actually be hapening at the moment. no want wants to be a victim. so it really is not your fault.



and your hate is completely natural! of course you will hate and i suppose will never forgive and it`s a healthy thing.
that`s what my T said to me when i told her about that sort of abuse.

pleasy, , stay strong. you don`t need to cut yourslf!
don`t you have ENOUGH %#@&#! to deal with? you don`t deserve cutting after you have been abused.

and i remember i felt like a bad person too.
but you just feel bad..it doesn`t make you a bad person. taking reposibility for particular choices is somehting we need to do , but it`s completely different from saying to yourself "i am to blame" becasue we just do what we think is best, we NEVER KNOW what the resolt will be!"

i feel you. i know how much you want to stop that bad memorie,,,which is too real after you have beed abused.
but i DOES stop gradually to be that way. i think every one who was abused can say it.

sorry you feel like that.

[Christina86]

I keep thinking people are blaming me for complaining because I still feel it's my fault. It sucks.

((((((((pachyderm))))))))))) thanks

[Christina86]

((((((((((Tranquility))))))))))))

Thanks for pulling apart my post like that. I mean it... it's easier for me to see how ridiculous I'm being. (I actually do thank you)

[Christina86]

(((((((ladymacabethadmunsen))))))))))))

thank you for understanding me... even a bit.

[Christina86]

I didn't tell T how hard it was today when I saw him.

I couldn't. Dealt with other crap instead, and it still almost made me cry. Not allowed to cry.

Thank you everyone for being understanding of my ramblings ((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))