[ChrisM]

I am struggeling with the fact that a cousin, who was 17 years old, was left to babysit myself and my little sister when I was 8. I was molested and raped by him now, I have PTSD. I also have bipolar I wonder if the abuse in my early years( I had my arm broken too) caused all this illness ,,I am 37 with two kids and I have to get my life back on track! My husband had a stroke recently so, all this pain has left me suicidal at times. If anyone has any advice ,,, I could sure use it! Thanks Chris

[Doonney]

Hi Chris I'm sorry to say I know where your coming from. I also was molested. By my Uncle, Aunty and Sister. I was also raped by a friend of my fathers. Can your and my bipolar and PTSD be because of what happened? My T says yes.
I am 37 also with 3 wonderful children and a supportive husband. However unlike you I'm the one who had the stroke recently. And have attempted suicide twice (Please Don't Try This) it is not the answer.
My advice and this is only my advice. If you haven't already, find yourself a good Sexual Assault Councilor. Continue to post here (especially when you are feeling bad and frustrated) everyone here, is here to help - listen - and be supportive. Try starting a blog here (I did this) just so you have somewhere to vent your thoughts (it works for me) I know there are a couple of good books I have read on healing that I can't remember the name of (sorry) I'll find out and get back to you on that if you like.
OK enough from me now. Sorry I can't help but I'm sure there are others here that maybe able to.

[kimmydawn]

I'm sorry for what you've gone through and are going through. I understand.

I was actually misdiagnosed with bipolar when it was PTSD with dissociation (my dx then anyhow). So I'd say that the abuse could very well contribute to adult mental health dx's.

Again, I'm sorry for all and am keeping you in my thoughts.

Also, I want to say it's nice to meet you. I hope you keep sharing so we can help support you with this.

KD

im so sorry that happened to you. i know it must have been painful. I hope you find healing here and in therapy.

[SerenitysWave]

((((hugs)))) I can relate as welll... I was gang raped around the age of 4 by a cousin adn four of his friends... repeatedly molested by him and his friends for about another 10 yrs.... raped at 10 by a friend of my dad's son... then molested by one of my grandfather's at age 14... and forced to have sex with another later but am not willing to say who or talk about that one just yet.... I also grew up in a household that was extremely intense... father: a violent alcoholic vietnam vet... biker gang... Mom: unwise to the wolrd and the life she married into...

I was used as an emotional weapon between the two and was born with the belief that I was to be the saving tool which of course didnt work.... before I take over this thread I will stop there....

I am currently married, 36, and we have 4 kids... I decided that I wanted to work on me and not focus on any of my abusers... I wanted to like me and then eventually love me... Which I now do..... I embrace my quirks and uniqeness... I give myself permission to be happy and loved... I forgave those that hurt me... for myself sanity and not theres... I found something positive in each experience and released the control the negatives had over me as much as I can... I know I have residual effects that probably wont ever go away, but I work with them and knwo that I am not at fault.... its a constant journey and process that contunes to grow, have backslides and then more growth.... Writing is my creative outlet to expressing my thoughts and feelinsg about what happened and where I am going and the process in between...

Not sure any of this makes sense or is helpful... I guess what I mean is that I dont allow my past to be my definition...

[ChrisM]

Thanks to all that replyed, I can identify with every story! I am learning at my age of 37 wow, finally how to heal. Dont know if the emotional pain ever stops, but I have to believe that things will get better. This all started 2 years ago, flashbacks, nightmares etc. Remembering every thing that happened. For many years I was able to be in denial/ that doesnt work anymore, I have suffered greatly knowing my mom didnt protect or comfort me. To this day she is all about her own life. Thanks again for responding~~ Chris

[Juliaspavlov]

HiChris I am 50 and suffer from similar at age three.It makes it hard to trust people but it does get better. I felt the same way about my mum that she didnt protect me and she changed the subject when i tried to talk about it. As long as you are a good mum and have empathyfor others i think thats part of healing too. lotsof (((hugs))) to you and I hopeyou benefit coming to PC(Psych Central) luv Jjulia It may feel like this for awhile.

[Caramee]

Hi Chris,

I am so sorry for the horrible things that happened to you, especially by family members entrusted to take care for you and your sister. I also struggle with PTSD and all of the suicidal thoughts this brings.

I also want to say how sorry I am for your husband's stroke -- that must be such a struggle on top of what was already too much!

I don't know what come first, but things like bipolar and depression have genetic origins but trauma certainly exacerbates them if there was already a predisposition.

I think it sounds hopeful that you acknowledge wanting to get your life back on track. Are you seeing a therapist? For me, the best motivator for getting well and staying live is my child. I'm sure with having two children, that can be a powerful motivator for you too. How is your husband doing?

I'm new here, and it's nice to know that there are others who have walked a mile in your shoes. I'm incredibly moved by all of the pain in the posts of the people who have responded to you and yet how much everyone joins in wanting to help.

[ChrisM]

Thanks for all your replys~ Yes Carmee it has been hard, my kids and God motivate me. I want out sometimes, and I just cant leave my children. I am impulsive sometimes,, that scares the hell out of me! I have cut , many times all around my wrist. I am trying to overcome. It is not easy, Thank you for your thoughts~~ Chris