Hi would like to get help but unsure how

Hi, I am new to this board/site so I hope I am doing this okay.
I have had alot of stuff going on in my life lately that has opened up
my eyes to old things that I thought I was dealing with okay on my own.
I realize now I have not been dealing at all, only burying it deeper. With all the old stuff and new being on my mind so much I am feeling overwhelmed and just utterly depressed. If I did not believe in God I would kill myself but I don't even have that as an option as I could never disrespect God so much. I do not know how to get myself out of the situations I am in and am having a really hard time figuring out what i can do about it. I have alot of issues with past abuse (physical/mental/emotional during childhood & sexual in a long ago ended relationship- which I have not told anyone who knows me about because I know they would think I was so messed up and dirty) and present emotional abuse situation I feel I can not get out of, and even if I could I do not know if it is what is right to do, or if I can emotionally handle doing it. I also am not over the death of my grandmother which happened 2 years ago and I have recently been the victim of several crimes which I feel no one cares about (Reported breaking in & theft and cops let people who did it go even with proof, I left my home to live with family because of my health (physical) and because my family also needs my help and about a month ago some one burned my house down and fire dept says things that do not seem right and did not even notify me about it- a friend came to tell me- they have their excuses in place and noone around here would help or care anyhow. I did nto have any insurance or anythign and I now have no where to go to) around here. I am having a really hard time trying to get my life together and would like to just live and be normal for once. I would like to go to therapy but I am scared and worried and feel I am not able to trust anyone in any professional capacity right now. I also do not know how I could afford it. Mental illness runs in my family and I do not want to end up like the rest of my family, but I see myself turning out that way. I need help so much and I hope that maybe someone on here can just give me some advice or something. I appreciate your taking the time to read this and I hope I am not being to long but I really just need some kind of help. Thank you.

((((((ifeelbad)))))

I know of the situations that you talk about, I've been in them many times. And was also in an abusive relationship that was mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and verbally abusive.

Something happened to me from the years of 1996-2001. There always seemed like people saw that there was a target on my head saying go ahead assault me, harrass me.

If you told someone about this they would not think you were dirty at all.

The fact that you have never seeked help for the childhood sexual abuse and being in situations contributes to that because it's hard to know any different, it's like a domino effect or snowball effect.

It took me 8 yrs to get where I am now in my recovery with PTSD and the past issues.

When you don't get help, it is harder to deal with. Therapy and talking about it is really the only way to recovering memories and times that you cannot recall. Trying to remember them does pull you back, and the memories will be pushed back. Memories will come back as long as you don't push them , and when you are ready you will recover them, it's not a fast process. Some things I still don't remember really.. but i'm ok with that now.

The only thing that you can do is to go into therapy, deal with the sthings that has happened to you and heal from it. Do it for yourself. You can also get grief councelling for the death of your grandmother too.

Good luck, and please go and talk to someone about this.

I totally know how you feel, i've been there to many times. Take care of yourself, keep your head up, you can do this, you can feel safe again.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Hi, Welcome to the forum. You are doing just fine, that is what the forum is here for to express our feelings and experiences and to support one another.
I am sure it took alot of courage to share this, and I thank you for sharing.

I am sorry to hear all that you have been through. For me many of these same issues past and present can overwhelm me as well. I find that when I jounal my feelings and just get it out, either on the fourm or in my own personal journal, at times it helps alot to release some of my emotional pain, just by writing it down or making a post as you have to let someone know how you feel.

Beginning professional emotional or mental health treatment is indeed scary. Though for me once I made the step, I was able to realize just how much I had been missing, and how much it helped me. I do hope you too can make that step into some type of professional help. Even if it is just calling a hotline and easing your way into it.

Finacual problems indeed can be a challenge. If your county or city has a community prgram based on your income, or program for those with limited resourses you may be able to recieve help through them. Many states have programs like Medicaid or public assistance through the state. I am on Medicaid and it pays for my sessions.

For some more advice on Therapy and finacual advice in this you may want to visit the psycotherapy board there is alot on there in regards to these issues.

I hope you will keep us posted in how you are doing, and I do hope you continue to post on the forum.

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

I am so glad you're here writting about your feelings...Up to a good start!
Keep it up, when you're ready, get a counselor...It will do you a lot of good. We look forward to hearing from you. We care.

gab

Thank you all for posting replies to me. I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back but I was unable to come online with all of the stuff going on and now I am also coming down with the flu or something. I know it is because I haven't been taking care of myself very much but I am trying to do batter at that. I tried talking to a friend about whats going on with me and finally was able to tell her sort of about the sexual stuff and she didn't act at all like I was afraid she might, but she did seem to turn it around to her problem (like she always does, and I'm not saying I don't ever do this either but to this so-called friend it is always about her or how something can be turned to her benefit), but atleast she didnt think I was as horrible as I felt I was- so that was a big thing for me. I am still looking into finding some therapy and I have been praying to God for help in the mean time and I feel he has gotten me through to where I can think more objectively now. When I wrote the post I was in the middle of a 4 day period of panic and depression and it DID help me so much to know that someone out there cared even a little bit. I read your reply's but couldn't answer until now. I still have moments when I feel myself becoming numb as if I am watching myself but can't really feel myself. I just the other day learned that the person who sexually assaulted me is now living in the same area I live in and wants to see me sometime! I am trying to avoid going out and I am worried about what will happen if he comes to see me. I feel as if I would truly lose my grip on reality or something (like I would withdraw so far within myself I could not come back out- I felt this happening to me the other day and again when I heard he was looking for me). I do not know if I can put on a normal face and just conversate or whatever until I can get away. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a deer in headlights, and it has been a long time since the assault happened or I have seen him. Everyone thinks I am over-reacting to him coming around, even the one person I told about what happened, she says I should just look him in the eye and tell him where to go. I really appreciate all your advice and help. I am going to check with social services as soon as I feel a little better (don't want to get everyone sick with the flu). If that doesn't pan out I am thinking of trying to at least talk to a pastor or someone. The people I know just do not seem to be willing or able to give me any kind of productive advice. I think that God led me to finding this board/site and also he has helped me to see things more clearly than I have been up to this point. I wonder in a way if all these things are happening to me at once because it is Him trying to wake me up to the reality of how my life is and the people in my life vs. how I percieved things to be and how I overlooked or suppressed anything that made me feel hurt or abused/used. I do not know if I can figure out a way to really change things around for myself but I hope so. Thank you all again, so much.

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} if okay

What I am seeing in your writing is someone who has been hurt, and is afraid, and needs some support, but you also have more strength than you know. You recognize that you have been abused and you are ready to stand up for yourself and not let it happen anymore, even if you are scared and you still doubt your ability to protect yourself. I think that you can do it (and you are not overreacting - your desire to feel safe and fear of having the person who abused you nearby is very legitimate). Don't allow yourself to ever be alone with the abuser, and stay firm. You know that you don't want to put up with it anymore, and you don't have to.

You shouldn't have to deal with this all on your own. Going to social services is a good idea. Make sure to ask for referrals if you need to, if by any chance they don't offer what you need, but I think they will. Your pastor would be another good resource. Don't give up until you find someone who will give you the help you need to deal with what has happened to you and find the strength that you have within you to make your life what you want it to be. Since you recognize the patterns in your family and with what you have experienced, you are that far ahead in being able to avoid falling into those traps. You can't change the past, and you couldn't control the things that happened to you in the past, but the past is over and this is the present, and you can change and control the present.

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>