[Gaba420]

My uncle touched my private parts when I was in elementary school. It happened only once. I've told T about this and he says that I brush it off as if this incident is insignificant. He says my anxiety may be in part due to this incident. Here's the thing though, I don't think that what happened to me as a child is a big deal. Others have experienced much worse. The rest of my childhood was great. My parents and older brothers were loving, understanding, and nurturing. T says if it weren't a big deal, I would be able to tell others about the abuse(?... I'm not even sure I would call it that.) T is the only one in real life who knows, because I don't want to ruin the relationship my dad has with my uncle and the rest of his extended family.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

I am struggling with something similar and apparently it is a big deal. This is what I am told anyway but, like you, I struggle with that concept. My T asked me how I would feel if someone did that to my daughter.... that really hit home with me and, while I still have a hard time seeing it as abuse, I get that this is something that should never happen to anyone so maybe it is a big deal..... He also insists that someone else will always "have it worse" but that doesn't lessen the impact of your experience.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, it's a big deal. Your uncle is a child molester.

It's up to you how you want to handle it.

You can let it go and never say anything. But, I sure would go out of my way to protect any other potential victim from my uncle.

Molestation is molestation. A rose by any other name still smells as sweet.

Your uncle sexually molested you. I'm not sure why you don't view it that way. I find that alarming, actually.

I definitely agree with your therapist -- that your depression and anxiety stems from that incident.

Do you think your fear of being ostracized and shunned by your family if you did reveal what happened to you, is why you minimize that event into something insignificant that happened to you?

You do realize that being sexually molested by a family member is the most common way that people are sexually molested. It's also healthier to be open about it, even if your dad or uncle gets angry. You may come to learn your family has some skeletons (other members have been molested in your family, is my guess).

I don't foresee your depression and anxiety disappearing until you properly confront your repressed feelings about being sexually molested. Stop letting shame and judgment from your family interfere in your healing.

[Hobbit House]

Yes it's abuse... It needs to be addressed. No such thing as being a little bit abused!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Gaba

I'd say that on a level you do really see that what happened was a big deal as you recognise a potential of: "because I don't want to ruin the relationship my dad has with my uncle and the rest of his extended family" if you were to talk about it to him/them, so hoping it's alright with you for me to say that I'm really sorry this happened to you

As to your T suggesting you'd tell others if it wasn't a big deal to you...........do not feel guilted or obliged into doing this unless you actually want/need to, feel it would help........(or into not telling if it comes to it!!!)............it is a very personal thing and it should be entirely up to you who you tell.........although I am very glad that you have managed to raise it with your T and on here, just as long as you have someone supportive to discuss it with...........although if there is someone in your family you feel you can tell too...........just.........again, don't feel guilted into not telling.........

Now I don't know if the love and nurturing of your family throughout your childhood and time since then has helped you come to terms (because I think you know it was a big deal) and "heal"/move on from what happened, but I certainly think that it is worth staying open to the possibility that this may have had some negative impact on you, still have some negative impact on you, in some way and exploring that with your T because it is possible.

And comparisons...........well, something very wrong happened to you, something that shouldn't have happened, and just because other people might have had more happen to them doesn't make what happened to you any less wrong.
It would be good to think everyone got/could get the individual help/support they needed with the things that happened to them right?? And that includes you!!!

And finally..........real kudos for being able to open up to your T and on here, and I hope you can talk about it more (at least with your T) to be clearer on any effects/non-effects, and the way ahead emotionally and/or practically.



Alison

[Gaba420]

Thanks to all of you for taking time to respond to my post. I realize that what my uncle did to me is wrong. I wouldn't want what happened to me to happen to anyone else but I've forgiven my uncle and am ready to move on with my life. I choose not to view myself as a victim. My anxiety has decreased dramatically since starting therapy in Oct and I just want to live the life of a normal college student.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You can let it go and never say anything. But, I sure would go out of my way to protect any other potential victim from my uncle.

How would I go about making sure that my uncle never does this to anyone else? Get my T to report him? My uncle doesn't have any children of his own, doesn't work with or volunteer with children. No one is in imminent danger but I wouldn't want him to do what he did to me to anyone else.

Originally Posted by Hobbit House

Yes it's abuse... It needs to be addressed. No such thing as being a little bit abused!

I feel like I'm addressing it in therapy. What steps do you think I need to take next? T never pushes the topic so I feel like it's up to me where we go from here.

I don't think that it would be beneficial for me to tell my family about this. I'm not sure what good that would do. I don't think it would make me feel better. I'm positive if I told that my dad would confront my uncle and be angry at him for what he did to me so the only thing that would come from me telling is straining their relationship. I don't want it to be my fault that my dad cut his brother out of his life because I couldn't imagine not having my older brothers in my life.

[TishaBuv]

You don't have to do or say anything. Maybe if you see him getting close to a child, you can intervene.

It would not be your fault that your dad cut his brother out of his life, it would be your uncle's fault.

[nicoleflynn]

Your t IS WRONG! I am shocked a t would say this. Molestaion is something we never forget. It happend to me 60 years ago. you may want to write a letter to your uncle of "restorative justice"--that says...this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. You can give it to him, or keep it. Being molested changes your life.....He is ignorant (t); JUST because you don't want to tell anyone doesn't mean it wasn't a big deal! Most people who are molested don't tell anyone for many reasons. If you decide to stay with the t I would tell him he is wrong, and his training should have given him the tools to understand what being molested does to a person. Shame on him!

Molesters count on the silence of the victim (hate that word).....If nothing else, I would confront your uncle (I think restorative justice....is empowering) to let him know you know what he did; sadly abusers usually don't stop at just one person.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Gaba420

Here's the thing though, I don't think that what happened to me as a child is a big deal. Others have experienced much worse.

I've felt much the same thing about what happened to me when I was 10. I had a neighbor who grabbed me by the crotch (over my clothes) and shoved his tongue down my throat. Several days before this happened, he was trying to get me to spread my legs while I was wearing shorts. I was curious what he wanted with me and that's why I went to his apartment that day. I've felt so much shame and guilt about going over there for years. I felt like I had no right to feel bad about what he did to me, that other people have had way worse things happen to them. Plus I kind of did it to myself by going over there in the first place. I've always thought this one-time event didn't affect me, but I think it did. When I told my T about this, I got so upset, felt so much shame, I can hardly recall what he even said to me. I know he was speaking and trying to comfort me, but I can only remember a few words. Reading the responses on this thread made me feel like it's okay to feel something about this event, something I haven't allowed myself to do ever.

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Your t IS WRONG! I am shocked a t would say this. Molestaion is something we never forget. It happend to me 60 years ago. you may want to write a letter to your uncle of "restorative justice"--that says...this is what you did; this is how it made me feel. You can give it to him, or keep it. Being molested changes your life.....He is ignorant (t); JUST because you don't want to tell anyone doesn't mean it wasn't a big deal! Most people who are molested don't tell anyone for many reasons. If you decide to stay with the t I would tell him he is wrong, and his training should have given him the tools to understand what being molested does to a person. Shame on him!

Molesters count on the silence of the victim (hate that word).....If nothing else, I would confront your uncle (I think restorative justice....is empowering) to let him know you know what he did; sadly abusers usually don't stop at just one person.

i don't want to jump in or put words in someone's mouth, but i read the original post as the T is saying it is a big deal and Gaba is asking if it is because they never saw it that way...

...

i agree with everyone. it is a big deal. your uncle may have only done it once to you, but i can pretty much promise you he is done it more than once in his lifetime. molestation is not something that most offenders just do once. possibly by you speaking up in your family, other members of the family may feel comfortable sharing experiences they have had.

Originally Posted by Gaba420

How would I go about making sure that my uncle never does this to anyone else? Get my T to report him? My uncle doesn't have any children of his own, doesn't work with or volunteer with children. No one is in imminent danger but I wouldn't want him to do what he did to me to anyone else.

i'm not sure about where you live, but where i am, by law, current or past abuse of a protected group (children, elderly or disabled) has to be reported by people in certain professions, which includes T's. this is actually included in the papers that clients sign when starting with a new T here, because it is one of the only reasons a T can break confidentiality. the only other i can think of right now is a court subpoena. usually the T would tell you that they are making the report, and who they got the info from can be kept confidential in some circumstances, but in a lot of places, things like that have to be reported by law. it's an ethical thing, the T cannot take the risk that the abuser will NEVER have access to another child, and even 3 minutes alone can be enough time, most of the time less than 3 minutes...

i don't want saying that to cause more stress for you. i just wanted to bring it up so you could ask your T what they are required to do.

also, i think working with your T on why it doesn't seem like a big deal to you... for me, for example, my mother is emotional and mentally abusive and has been as long as i can remember. up until recently, i didn't think it was a big deal. even though dealing with this for so long has had a serious effect on me. it took my T telling me that this is a big deal. and once we started really talking about it, i've started to understand, to some extent, why people showing any type of care and concern toward me has been uncomfortable. for the longest time, i couldn't handle hugs at all, even in the virtual sense online. now, i can accept virtual hugs and hugs from a certain group of people (but the irl people have been trained to ask first, cuz some days are worse than others). it also allowed me to see why, for the longest time, i could not open up to women at all.

even though this may not feel like a big deal right now, and it may never really feel that way to you (you are the one that gets to define how experiences feel and affect you), it would still be worth looking into and seeing if there are parts of your life and behavior that this event has affected.