trigger warning.....thoughts

does anyone who ws abuse as a young child really have strong thoughts on their abuser? I am terrified of the thoughts that go through my head.

I know it's unhealthy to hate, but I hate him with a passion. He totally ruined my life, trying to move on, but every aspect of my being has been touched badly by him, self confidence, self esteem, not being able to find that something to get out of it and cravings for revenge haunt me so badly.
He has made my family life hell, my guilt every day gets worse, I just can't handle it sometimes. How can I expect my family to understand and grasp my fears and anxieties. Maybe I was selfish to have children with so much pain in me. I love them so much though. They are my life, the only reason I am here.

metime

It is understandable for you to feel that way. You will need to work through and process those feelings if you want to get free from them. That pretty much takes therapy. It's too much to deal with on your own without support. Eventually, I hope that you get to a place where you can let go of those feelings, not for your abuser's sake, but for yours, because you are still being hurt, and you deserve to be able to live the rest of your life making your own choices and doing what you want to do with your life.

(((( hugs )))) if okay

Rap

(((hugs)))

thankyou so much, hugs are always welcome as are words of support. I am in therapy once per week, I do find it helps sometimes.

metime xxxxxx

Honestly, I went thru a period of time of great anger... years ago.. but I have had years of therapy.. where I was indeed very angry with the pedophile.. I was angry sounds strange.. I know.. for not what he did to me at the time - I survived that... but I was very, very angry for the future that he took from me.. for the impact he had on my adult life.. for that I was angry.. for a very long time..

Thru therapy... I worked out that anger... and moved on.. I don't know how that worked.. it just did.. I processed it...

Having children, I had a child.. and felt because of my faith in God.. that he was a gift entrusted to me.. (because I was very ill at 19.. and told that I wouldn't be able to have children)... it really made me realize... that I loved life... I am in pain a great deal of time... but I love my son.. and he is such a blessing..

So for you.. I believe.. that you will work thru it.. as I did.. it does take time.. and it feels like the anger will never leave... but it can..

many, many hugs for you ((((hugs))))

is it possible for u to channel your anger to activism for other children? I think the anger is a good thing as long as you talk about it with your T so it doesnt prompt you towards revenge.

Forgive me for being this blunt, BUT -- No, no, no! It is NOT unhealthy to HATE an abuser!!! Those who abused us as children did not want us to be angry and hate them, because that would threaten their control and risk responsible adults intervening. For that reason, abusers often try to intimidate their victims into silence. We are given no room for all of our feelings. Feeling anger today is a very healthy emotion. You deserve to feel angry. It is very affirming to declare, through your anger, that you were wronged, that it was not your fault -- that it was the fault of the person who harmed you. As adults, we begin to understand better the full extent of the impact of our childhood trauma. It does effect how we raise our children, at the very least because the aftermath of abuse detracts from our energy that we would rather give to our children. That impact is something to be angry about, something worth hating someone for.

Do not be afraid to embrace your anger or hatred. The emotion is telling you something. It is your inner self affirming that have been harmed, so you need to re-affirm your worth as an individual and work to heal yourself. Hate reflects pain. It's not unlike feeling pain from a physical injury, like a cut. It tells you that you need a band aid. Mental pain and anguish -- feeling hatred -- tells you that you need a mental band aid. You are still in pain and need to heal.

Hate only becomes destructive if you allow it to be misdirected to someone other than the abuser. That includes misdirecting it onto yourself. Too often, as abuse survivors, we doubt our worth to others. Too often, we hate ourselves and hurt ourselves as a result. I see you in your words attacking your own worth as a parent. You have every right to be a parent, even as you struggle with your past. In time, the strength that you will build in recovery will combine with your love to empower you to be an even greater parent than you already are - somthing proven with your genuine expression of love for your children. As your work to heal, please take comfort in your life as a parent. It will be very empowering to you in recovery to focus as much each day on the joy of raising your children as it will be to focus on the pain from your past. Todays joys can help you heal. You deserve that. Your children deserve to have you in their lives -- you have shown great courage already in opening up your feelings and reaching out for help. You have shown great care and sensitivity for others in your comments here. I am certain that your children are already growing from seeing those values in you.

be well,

mtd

metime, you are not wrong in hating your abuser! you have every right to be angry. whether if that's healthy, it's a process of healing. it will get better as you progress. it takes time, i know because i went through it, too.

you are not selfish to have kids. no way. it's great that you have your kids. i have a dog and 3 cats, and i love them as if they're my kids. they keep me alive, too. hey, don't feel wrong in whatever you're going through and, remember, it's a process of healing. i've been through it, and my life is so much better now since i've worked through all the issues i had through therapy and self-help books. i wish you the very best. ((((safe hugs))))