[Englishandproud1986]

I'm lying here feeling utterly and completely useless and I'm so confused on what to do.
I married my husband a few months ago. Everything was fine, other than the normal couple arguments over stupid things.
Honestly, it's been such a good relationship up until this. Sometimes my partner gets moody, but I am a hard person to live with as I can be quite demanding.
That's a quick overview of how our relationship has been.
Very normal!
Anyways, a week before we got married my husband to be got mad and pushed me when he was drunk. After he apologized profusely and said he was just drunk and wouldn't do it. I was able to look past it because of the dreams we had built together and the future he had promised me. I said if he ever, EVER did it again or layed a finger on me, I would be gone!
A few weeks after we got married (recently) he got drunk and got mad at me out of the blue and I said I was leaving to defuse the situation and

Possible trigger:

he punched me in the face.

I was so shocked that I had a panic attack. I ran out and said I was calling the police. I didn't. I called my friend instead. A few hours later I went back to him and he was asleep so I slept in the spare room with the door locked and decided to talk in the morning. I was so hell bent on leaving.
In the morning I woke up early and packed all of my things and was at the door. He then woke up, walked up to me and said 'give me one last hug before you leave' to which I replied no as I didn't think he deserved that right. He then proceeded to cry. He didn't beg me to stay. But he said he didn't know what he was going to do with his life now that I was leaving as all his dreams and hopes, had me as part of them.
Then he got a call to say his friend had died, I checked social media and yes it was true his friend had died. So I stayed because he was in shock and in deep fried for many days. I told myself I would leave when he was past the deep grief stage, but I didn't end up leaving.
I'm so so confused. I said to him on the morning I tried to leave that he needs to get help. He hasn't mentioned anything and of I try to talk about it he says oh here we go again..
Am I destined for a lifetime of domestic violence????

[nicoleflynn]

Sadly this is a pattern of an abuser...abuse and then apologies. Please call the domestic violence hotline; I stayed for 31 years with an abuser, and then found the book that saved my life; The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.....He will not stop (unless he gets into therapy), and most abusers don't think they have a problem. Women are murdered every day by a partner/husband. You will have to (as hard as it is) stand up for yourself and make plans to leave. Yes you will be destined for a lifetime of violence, unless you leave. xoxo...You cannot help him...

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Englishandproud1986

I try to talk about it he says oh here we go again.

That's a red flag in itself, he has no genuine remorse or acceptance he has a problem, he's making it your problem. You don't have to put up with this, if you need to go and get support from a women's refuge and leave him.

[mimsies]

Leave. You are, in fact, destined for a lifetime of domestic violence if you stay.

Just because it has been a while doesn't mean you have lost your window of opportunity. It doesn't MATTER how long it has been. It will happen again, and the frequency with increase. There is no limit on how long you have to leave after he did it before your decision becomes invalid.

It isn't your fault or responsibility if he doesn't know what to do without you because all his hopes and dreams included you... He punched you in the face... That was HIS choice. Being drunk doesn't excuse it. Being stressed doesn't excuse it. Assaulting other people is not OK. When he cries and blabbers about his hopes and dreams it is just manipulation and guilt tripping.

Leave. Save yourself. Good luck. HUG

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

If you are in the USA here is a very useful resource:
GET HELP « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness
Even if you are not in the USA it has some useful information - including "what is relationship abuse?" And if you go to the FAQ section on that article a lot of the questions you may have will be answered.

[Albatross2008]

The only way you're destined to a pattern of domestic violence is if you stay. I see that you're in the United Kingdom. If you know where the assistance hotlines are, then I suggest you call for help and get out of there as fast as you can.

[NP_Complete]

Please get out. It's already escalated from pushing to punching. What's next? You don't deserve to be treated like this.

He will probably try to blame the alcohol. Being drunk does not make you abusive. Don't buy into that crap. My husband fed me that line for 20+ years and I believed him and wasted many years trying to get him to stop drinking.

I know you love him and don't want to hurt him, but don't fall into the same trap I did. My husband was unemployed for a long time (years and years) and had no prospects. I knew if I left him he would end up homeless and I didn't want that for him. So I stayed. I didn't know how to solve the problem. His abuse was mainly verbal, but it escalated at the end to physical and he ended up setting our house on fire and is now in prison. Not exactly the outcome I wanted for him. Staying did not help him in the end and it certainly didn't help me.

Call a domestic violence hotline and make a safety plan. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

I hope you give us an update if you want to.

[mimsies]

This is in the UK

Home? National Domestic Violence Helpline

0808 2000 247

[Englishandproud1986]

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I figure that most of you are talking from experience.
To update, I am still feeling very lost and confused! Part of me still wants to believe that he will never do it again, but then part of me KNOWS that he will. I realise now, that he was crying after he did it because that was part of his minipulative side!
I've been trying to wrack my brains and you know what?.....In all the things he said the day after, I don't think I got an apology! All of it was about him. How HE would cope without me and how crap HIS future would be. I swear the morning after it happened I was the strongest person I've ever been. What I was saying to him 'youve made your bed, you now have to lye in it' 'you need to get help' 'god help the next girl that comes into contact with you, if you don't get help' and then it all went to crap and he cried and snaked his way back in. And I felt guilty and sad for him. I realise now, that is EXACTLY what he KNEW I would do. He knew how to work me and make me stay.
I realise this now as I have started seeing a therapist and also from your kind words in this thread.
Thanks for the support!
This marriage is absolutely dead and there's no going back..

[Bill3]

You show a lot of strength. What is your plan?

[Albatross2008]

I do, as you've guessed, speak from experience. My ex-husband also cried afterward, every time he abused me. If I didn't take him back and stop talking about it, then, I was the one portrayed as unfeeling and selfish. Family, friends, and even the police would point out how obviously sorry he is, because look, he's crying. Manipulation, pure and simple.

Another thing he tried was to "admit" he had a problem and needed help. Then he'd call and make an intake appointment at the mental health clinic, to show me that he was getting the help he needed. Then I would come home, and he wouldn't see any reason to keep that appointment. Mission accomplished; I'm home. He's made his repairs and has his wife back. Now he can carry on as usual.

Something else to look for will be the counter-accusations. He'll claim to you and to the world that you're the one abusing him. Any mistake you've ever made in your life will be held against you, and since we all make mistakes, he *will* find something to hold against you. He'll make you out to be a monster. He'll even accuse you of his own shortcomings; for example, if he's irresponsible with money, then the first time you buy some frill that isn't a complete necessity, he'll yell at you for being so irresponsible with money.

Believe me, they'll stop at nothing to get us to let them continue their behavior.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Englishandproud1986

Thank you so much for all of your responses! I figure that most of you are talking from experience.
To update, I am still feeling very lost and confused! Part of me still wants to believe that he will never do it again, but then part of me KNOWS that he will. I realise now, that he was crying after he did it because that was part of his minipulative side!
I've been trying to wrack my brains and you know what?.....In all the things he said the day after, I don't think I got an apology! All of it was about him. How HE would cope without me and how crap HIS future would be. I swear the morning after it happened I was the strongest person I've ever been. What I was saying to him 'youve made your bed, you now have to lye in it' 'you need to get help' 'god help the next girl that comes into contact with you, if you don't get help' and then it all went to crap and he cried and snaked his way back in. And I felt guilty and sad for him. I realise now, that is EXACTLY what he KNEW I would do. He knew how to work me and make me stay.
I realise this now as I have started seeing a therapist and also from your kind words in this thread.
Thanks for the support!
This marriage is absolutely dead and there's no going back..

I do speak from experience but it wasn't til I learned about abuse n abusers that I found the courage to leave. Now I am in a similar situation (not physical though n will not escalate that way) but its complicated for reasons I don't want to get into here. How much do you know about abuse n abusers? Have you done any research on it or had any education from your therapist? Do you know anything about planning to leave? I am asking these questions bc I want to make sure you are safe while there, as you leave, and after you leave.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Arbie

He'll claim to you and to the world that you're the one abusing him. Any mistake you've ever made in your life will be held against you, and since we all make mistakes, he *will* find something to hold against you. He'll make you out to be a monster.

THIS. Once I used the word "abuse" with him, suddenly I was the abuser. It was so confusing. He's gone and I'm still kind of confused about it. Was I abusive too? Maybe. I don't know. Ugh.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

THIS. Once I used the word "abuse" with him, suddenly I was the abuser. It was so confusing. He's gone and I'm still kind of confused about it. Was I abusive too? Maybe. I don't know. Ugh.

I actually had to detail my actions n words to my counselor n ask her if I was abusive in order to convince myself I was not.

[Albatross2008]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

THIS. Once I used the word "abuse" with him, suddenly I was the abuser. It was so confusing. He's gone and I'm still kind of confused about it. Was I abusive too? Maybe. I don't know. Ugh.

Since nobody's perfect, it would be impossible not to have done something wrong at some point. He wants you to feel insecure about it. If he can convince you that you deserved his mistreatment, he can feel justified.

[Bill3]

If he can convince you that you deserved his mistreatment, he can feel justified.

And he can make you think that you have no reason to leave, since you (supposedly) deserve the abuse he is giving you.

[Englishandproud1986]

He's actually now turned around and said that I hit him first. So that proves everything you have all just said!
I actually had to think really hard and question myself whether I did or not. And I certainly 100% did not hit him first! I've never hit anyone in my life and yet I questioned myself if I may of done it, because he said I did.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Englishandproud1986

He's actually now turned around and said that I hit him first. So that proves everything you have all just said!
I actually had to think really hard and question myself whether I did or not. And I certainly 100% did not hit him first! I've never hit anyone in my life and yet I questioned myself if I may of done it, because he said I did.

I think that's a good example of gaslighting.

[SkyrimFan1]

You should start by calling a Domestic Violence Hotline, or somebody that you can trust to talk to, you don't deserve to be abused like that, nobody does, plus you should leave him ASAP before things get even worse, and call the police if you need to, and if you leave him, find somebody else that treats you with respect and like a human being, not just a piece of meat, you deserve better

[Bill3]

Have you a plan for your next steps?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

This is why I asked how much you know about abuse n abusers n how to get away - getting away is the most dangerous time.

[Englishandproud1986]

Honestly, I've never looked into abuse until now! I have been researching gaslighting and I'm shocked! Out of the ten signs I read, he does ten of those!
I haven't planned my next move yet, all I know is it's over and I am looking for somewhere to go. I feel like I should tell his parents what he has done. So they can help him. or is this a dangerous move?
I have been feeling strong, but I'm also really mad at myself for not realising that this was going on. The patterns of behaviour he has displayed, which has led up to the violence, is a classic pattern of an abuser.

[Bill3]

I would not recommend telling his parents anything. That strikes me as quite risky, as he could take that to mean you are trying to shame him in front of them. Your safety is the most important thing. He will no doubt deny everything and blame you anyways.

[nicoleflynn]

Don't tell his parents (they probably wouldn't believe you), and it could be dangerous for you. Abusers dont want anyone to know what they are doing. When you get ready to leave, don't say anything to him. Make your plans in secret. Call the domestic violence hotline; they can helpyou.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Do not tell anyone except people you can trust as being faithful to you and not at all to him. Friends or family of yours who are really close to you n hate him (if you have any left by now - usually the first thing abusers do is separate these people from their victim), therapist, domestic violence center, police (only if you have evidence to back you up with police or they will do nothing). Make a "go bag" and hide it in a place he will not find it. This should include one or two change of clothes, any medicine, any important documents (legals documents , anything with your social security number on it, birth certificate, any bills in your name, important phone numbers), make an "exit plan" - when would be the best time to leave? (preferably when he is not around or will not see you), how will you leave? (method of travel-if by vehicle be sure to get extra keys made at some point), what route will you take?, where will you go? who n how will you contact during all this?

Every step is important n it is very important you remain in contact with the person you will be leaving to so they know what your situation is and when to expect you. If you get in trouble during your escape call the cops immediately. If you are running to a domestic shelter they will tell you where to meet them. If something happens along the way call them asap.