[HPOne]

It's very hard for a man to come on here and to speak. In fact It has been so hard to find a site which gives a man a voice.

I am stuck with what to do. My wife and I have been together for 18 1/2 years. I am 40 years old. Things were good until my wife was pregnant with our second child 16 years ago. Whilst she was pregnant she got quite possessive, and the smallest of arguments would turn into a big explosion. At one point she phoned me at work and threatened to stab me. I am happy to say, no such threat has ever been said since.

However I wish I had taken this as a warning sign. Since this time she has looked at my test messages, and our arguments have been quite explosive. she clearly had trust issues.

She has controlled when I used to see my grandmother (back in the day) and made excuses as to why we could not see her. My grandmother got Cancer and was on her deathbed. Every time I wanted to go and see her at the hospice, my wife would argue with me about going unless I got my son off to sleep first, and gave my daughter her bottle of milk (and this was on more than one occasion)

A couple of days before my grandmother passed away She said I could go and see her, as long as I dropped her off at an indoor play centre. I agreed, and spent quality time with my grandmother. An hour later I left and picked up my wife and daughter. I was shouted at, as the play centre was shut and she was forced to go outside in the rain, this was before we had mobile phones.

Fast forward 8 years and my sister was living away from home. she was about 45 minute drive from my house. My wife would always say that we could not go and see her because the petrol money would cost too much (we were not hard up), she would only go and see her if we could borrow he dads car (which was a company car and free fuel) This was not always available. Sadly my sister passed away about 4 years ago with cancer. She was only 38 (just).

Since then she slapped me round the face for a silly reason (which I can't remember why) but she apologised and I accepted it.

Things just have got a lot worse. Due to the way I was always being treated, I sought comfort in the arms of a mutual friend. We kissed once and sent risky texts, but nothing more. We got caught out by text message and it hit the fan.

I am not proud of what I had done. I got kicked out of home temporarily but the relief of being free felt so good. I suddenly realised how much of a hold she had on me.

My wife took it bad and cut her knuckles up with razor blades. We agreed to put what I did behind us and move forward. The first 4 months were the hardest. She would play the same two songs all night EVERY NIGHT. If I hear those songs now then it makes me feel sick. She refused any counselling and we carried on. We have had many arguments. The majority re alcohol fueled, one of which she punched me in the head 3 times and pulled my collar scratching my neck several times, drawing blood. I told her if she ever did that again I would leave, and thankfully she hasn't.

She again looks at all my texts, emails etc.. I have learnt to accept this as I did the dirty.

However, she has started playing mind games. for example, it was my 40th birthday the other day. She stayed in bed until 12:00and encouraged my children to do the same. I was due round my parents at 13:00 and she was not ready to leave home until 13:15. If we were going round her families house I'd get shouted at if we were late.

The evening was also NYE and we were due to go out for 19:00. at 16:50 she told me she was having a bath, and stayed in there for 1 hour. I had planned to tidy up the kitchen and make dinner at 17:45. However my son then asked for a lift. I was gone for 30 minutes. I came back to a massive row as I had left everything for her to do, and I KNEW WE WERE GOING OUT. She shouted and shouted, refused to let me speak because she "wasn't going to argue about it". The argument got bad and she approached my personal space at speed whilst I was stood at the top of the stairs. I can honestly say I thought she was going to push me down the stairs.

Anyway I did all the tidying etc, and apologised. She eventually came round and I told her that I had it all in hand and that I didn't think we were tied to that time and that we could be a bit later. She then sad we didn't have to be there for 19:00.

In addition to this she will break things and blame me. She broke a bulb today because she dropped it and when she caught it, it snapped. That was my fault because I put it in the wrong place in the first place.

We brought a dog a few years back. I have to do everything for it. If it needs medication or clearing up outside, she will not do it. She says that I wanted a dog, so it is my responsibility. This might be the truth but in our relationship, if she didn't ant a dog we would not have one.

We also have joint bank accounts, I have asked for my own, just with a bit of pocket money in (to save to buy clothes, or anything I want) and she has said no. Yet if she needs or wants anything, then she will go out and buy it. I always get shouted at and the answer is no.

I have holes in clothes, boxers, and socks. she will have a go at me if I suggest I need to buy new clothes or underwear. She buys herself stuff when she needs it.

If we have a conversation with friends, 9 times out of 10 it will start with "that's the trouble with ..... (me)"

I struggle to go tot the DR's as she laughs at me/the reason why.

I just feel so depressed, I am currently on anti depressants and the main reason is her.

I feel so trapped, my kids would be devastated if I leave my wife, and I am worried my wife would do something silly to herself as she has hinted this in the past.

I don't know what to do, or even if this is normal in other relationships.

[pegasus]

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Your wife sounds extremely controlling and very abusive. It is very sad that she has reduced you to the point where you have to ask permission for clothes or even a bank account. She has no right to do this to you.

Children know when their parents are unhappy, they need a happy confident Dad. Clearly staying in this relationship is not good for all concerned.

My worry is that you have forgiven your wife so many times which just gives her fuel to continue this behavior towards you. You need to separate, move out, ignore the threats and start divorce proceedings. It's a good idea to keep arguments and abusive behavior away from the children. You need to be strong, please seek psychotherapy to help your own self esteem and confidence. Involve a restraining order if necessary, call the police regarding abuse when it happens. The police would tell you the same. Start planning now what you need to do.

[HPOne]

Thanks for your reply. It’s so hard though. When I was kicked out temporarily, she told the kids I moved out because I didn’t love her anymore. I had the kids ringing me in floods of tears, begging me to come home.

Only last night we were having a civilised conversation about trying to see my brother and his family more (they aren’t the easiest people to see as they can be a little quiet and ‘odd’). Anyway all of a sudden she starts telling me themat I’M getting aggressive. When I genuinely wasn’t, so I consciously adjusted my body language and tone of voice, just to make sure. But she kept saying I was aggressive. She went to bed crying and this morning, she is blaming me cause she is tired as I kept her up in a state last night.

I can’t see any way out because she will tell the kids it’s all me, and I left her.

The way she is towards me I feel like she wants ME to leave her, so she can blame me for everything.

[pegasus]

Usually with a long term relationship I would recommend couples counseling. In this case it is obvious that would not work.

You do realize your children are also being subject to emotional and verbal abuse also in all this? You need to make it clear to your children that you are their Dad no matter what happens. The children would in fact be better off with you as far as stability goes. Whether they go with you or stay with Mom, you are forever their Dad.

That being said, you don't sound ready yet to leave. Please document the abuse and call the police if you need. It sounds like your wife has some issues especially as she uses self harm as manipulation also. You might need to call the police for her to receive mental health treatment. Look into psychotherapy for yourself also.

[emzara]

Yes, that is abuse.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HPOne

It's very hard for a man to come on here and to speak. In fact It has been so hard to find a site which gives a man a voice.

I am stuck with what to do. My wife and I have been together for 18 1/2 years. I am 40 years old. Things were good until my wife was pregnant with our second child 16 years ago. Whilst she was pregnant she got quite possessive, and the smallest of arguments would turn into a big explosion. At one point she phoned me at work and threatened to stab me. I am happy to say, no such threat has ever been said since.

However I wish I had taken this as a warning sign. Since this time she has looked at my test messages, and our arguments have been quite explosive. she clearly had trust issues.

She has controlled when I used to see my grandmother (back in the day) and made excuses as to why we could not see her. My grandmother got Cancer and was on her deathbed. Every time I wanted to go and see her at the hospice, my wife would argue with me about going unless I got my son off to sleep first, and gave my daughter her bottle of milk (and this was on more than one occasion)

A couple of days before my grandmother passed away She said I could go and see her, as long as I dropped her off at an indoor play centre. I agreed, and spent quality time with my grandmother. An hour later I left and picked up my wife and daughter. I was shouted at, as the play centre was shut and she was forced to go outside in the rain, this was before we had mobile phones.

Fast forward 8 years and my sister was living away from home. she was about 45 minute drive from my house. My wife would always say that we could not go and see her because the petrol money would cost too much (we were not hard up), she would only go and see her if we could borrow he dads car (which was a company car and free fuel) This was not always available. Sadly my sister passed away about 4 years ago with cancer. She was only 38 (just).

Since then she slapped me round the face for a silly reason (which I can't remember why) but she apologised and I accepted it.

Things just have got a lot worse. Due to the way I was always being treated, I sought comfort in the arms of a mutual friend. We kissed once and sent risky texts, but nothing more. We got caught out by text message and it hit the fan.

I am not proud of what I had done. I got kicked out of home temporarily but the relief of being free felt so good. I suddenly realised how much of a hold she had on me.

My wife took it bad and cut her knuckles up with razor blades. We agreed to put what I did behind us and move forward. The first 4 months were the hardest. She would play the same two songs all night EVERY NIGHT. If I hear those songs now then it makes me feel sick. She refused any counselling and we carried on. We have had many arguments. The majority re alcohol fueled, one of which she punched me in the head 3 times and pulled my collar scratching my neck several times, drawing blood. I told her if she ever did that again I would leave, and thankfully she hasn't.

She again looks at all my texts, emails etc.. I have learnt to accept this as I did the dirty.

However, she has started playing mind games. for example, it was my 40th birthday the other day. She stayed in bed until 12:00and encouraged my children to do the same. I was due round my parents at 13:00 and she was not ready to leave home until 13:15. If we were going round her families house I'd get shouted at if we were late.

The evening was also NYE and we were due to go out for 19:00. at 16:50 she told me she was having a bath, and stayed in there for 1 hour. I had planned to tidy up the kitchen and make dinner at 17:45. However my son then asked for a lift. I was gone for 30 minutes. I came back to a massive row as I had left everything for her to do, and I KNEW WE WERE GOING OUT. She shouted and shouted, refused to let me speak because she "wasn't going to argue about it". The argument got bad and she approached my personal space at speed whilst I was stood at the top of the stairs. I can honestly say I thought she was going to push me down the stairs.

Anyway I did all the tidying etc, and apologised. She eventually came round and I told her that I had it all in hand and that I didn't think we were tied to that time and that we could be a bit later. She then sad we didn't have to be there for 19:00.

In addition to this she will break things and blame me. She broke a bulb today because she dropped it and when she caught it, it snapped. That was my fault because I put it in the wrong place in the first place.

We brought a dog a few years back. I have to do everything for it. If it needs medication or clearing up outside, she will not do it. She says that I wanted a dog, so it is my responsibility. This might be the truth but in our relationship, if she didn't ant a dog we would not have one.

We also have joint bank accounts, I have asked for my own, just with a bit of pocket money in (to save to buy clothes, or anything I want) and she has said no. Yet if she needs or wants anything, then she will go out and buy it. I always get shouted at and the answer is no.

I have holes in clothes, boxers, and socks. she will have a go at me if I suggest I need to buy new clothes or underwear. She buys herself stuff when she needs it.

If we have a conversation with friends, 9 times out of 10 it will start with "that's the trouble with ..... (me)"

I struggle to go tot the DR's as she laughs at me/the reason why.

I just feel so depressed, I am currently on anti depressants and the main reason is her.

I feel so trapped, my kids would be devastated if I leave my wife, and I am worried my wife would do something silly to herself as she has hinted this in the past.

I don't know what to do, or even if this is normal in other relationships.

I would suggest that go seek out legal advice from a lawyer ask what kind of proof that is admissible in court that prove of domestic violence. Ask if anyone help provide money for a pi someone who specialized in domestic violence. Ask if you can get temporary custody of your children. Get someone to take picture of the abuse someone who will witness the abuse have the call the police on your wife. They can simply say noise complaint or a suspicious lady in the area. I can not express to you enough how much I have seen this happen with my own brother. You need to get out of this marriages. She is going to kill one day because that is what always happens. The next time she hits you. Get to the phone can call the police and have them listen in the conversation. Call the police and have them listen to the conversation they can record her threaten you the abuse that is happening to you. If you have contact the cps on your wife tell them you are a victim of domestic violence and your scare for your safety of your children. Contact the local domestic violence and tell them you in fear of your life. Have that support friend take you the hospital and have them take picture of any abuse. I can not express enough but you need to leave the person. I lost a coworker because I didn't speak up for her. I didn't call the police and report her boyfriend. Today I wish that I had because now it is too late she was murder by her boyfriend.

Contact the police and tell them that she had a history of self harming and attempted suicide. Contact them and tell me you want to leave and she is holding you against your will and is threaten to harm herself.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HPOne

It's very hard for a man to come on here and to speak. In fact It has been so hard to find a site which gives a man a voice.

I am stuck with what to do. My wife and I have been together for 18 1/2 years. I am 40 years old. Things were good until my wife was pregnant with our second child 16 years ago. Whilst she was pregnant she got quite possessive, and the smallest of arguments would turn into a big explosion. At one point she phoned me at work and threatened to stab me. I am happy to say, no such threat has ever been said since.

However I wish I had taken this as a warning sign. Since this time she has looked at my test messages, and our arguments have been quite explosive. she clearly had trust issues.

She has controlled when I used to see my grandmother (back in the day) and made excuses as to why we could not see her. My grandmother got Cancer and was on her deathbed. Every time I wanted to go and see her at the hospice, my wife would argue with me about going unless I got my son off to sleep first, and gave my daughter her bottle of milk (and this was on more than one occasion)

A couple of days before my grandmother passed away She said I could go and see her, as long as I dropped her off at an indoor play centre. I agreed, and spent quality time with my grandmother. An hour later I left and picked up my wife and daughter. I was shouted at, as the play centre was shut and she was forced to go outside in the rain, this was before we had mobile phones.

Fast forward 8 years and my sister was living away from home. she was about 45 minute drive from my house. My wife would always say that we could not go and see her because the petrol money would cost too much (we were not hard up), she would only go and see her if we could borrow he dads car (which was a company car and free fuel) This was not always available. Sadly my sister passed away about 4 years ago with cancer. She was only 38 (just).

Since then she slapped me round the face for a silly reason (which I can't remember why) but she apologised and I accepted it.

Things just have got a lot worse. Due to the way I was always being treated, I sought comfort in the arms of a mutual friend. We kissed once and sent risky texts, but nothing more. We got caught out by text message and it hit the fan.

I am not proud of what I had done. I got kicked out of home temporarily but the relief of being free felt so good. I suddenly realised how much of a hold she had on me.

My wife took it bad and cut her knuckles up with razor blades. We agreed to put what I did behind us and move forward. The first 4 months were the hardest. She would play the same two songs all night EVERY NIGHT. If I hear those songs now then it makes me feel sick. She refused any counselling and we carried on. We have had many arguments. The majority re alcohol fueled, one of which she punched me in the head 3 times and pulled my collar scratching my neck several times, drawing blood. I told her if she ever did that again I would leave, and thankfully she hasn't.

She again looks at all my texts, emails etc.. I have learnt to accept this as I did the dirty.

However, she has started playing mind games. for example, it was my 40th birthday the other day. She stayed in bed until 12:00and encouraged my children to do the same. I was due round my parents at 13:00 and she was not ready to leave home until 13:15. If we were going round her families house I'd get shouted at if we were late.

The evening was also NYE and we were due to go out for 19:00. at 16:50 she told me she was having a bath, and stayed in there for 1 hour. I had planned to tidy up the kitchen and make dinner at 17:45. However my son then asked for a lift. I was gone for 30 minutes. I came back to a massive row as I had left everything for her to do, and I KNEW WE WERE GOING OUT. She shouted and shouted, refused to let me speak because she "wasn't going to argue about it". The argument got bad and she approached my personal space at speed whilst I was stood at the top of the stairs. I can honestly say I thought she was going to push me down the stairs.

Anyway I did all the tidying etc, and apologised. She eventually came round and I told her that I had it all in hand and that I didn't think we were tied to that time and that we could be a bit later. She then sad we didn't have to be there for 19:00.

In addition to this she will break things and blame me. She broke a bulb today because she dropped it and when she caught it, it snapped. That was my fault because I put it in the wrong place in the first place.

We brought a dog a few years back. I have to do everything for it. If it needs medication or clearing up outside, she will not do it. She says that I wanted a dog, so it is my responsibility. This might be the truth but in our relationship, if she didn't ant a dog we would not have one.

We also have joint bank accounts, I have asked for my own, just with a bit of pocket money in (to save to buy clothes, or anything I want) and she has said no. Yet if she needs or wants anything, then she will go out and buy it. I always get shouted at and the answer is no.

I have holes in clothes, boxers, and socks. she will have a go at me if I suggest I need to buy new clothes or underwear. She buys herself stuff when she needs it.

If we have a conversation with friends, 9 times out of 10 it will start with "that's the trouble with ..... (me)"

I struggle to go tot the DR's as she laughs at me/the reason why.

I just feel so depressed, I am currently on anti depressants and the main reason is her.

I feel so trapped, my kids would be devastated if I leave my wife, and I am worried my wife would do something silly to herself as she has hinted this in the past.

I don't know what to do, or even if this is normal in other relationships.

I would suggest that go seek out legal advice from a lawyer ask what kind of proof that is admissible in court that prove of domestic violence. Ask if anyone help provide money for a pi someone who specialized in domestic violence. Ask if you can get temporary custody of your children. Get someone to take picture of the abuse someone who will witness the abuse have the call the police on your wife. They can simply say noise complaint or a suspicious lady in the area. I can not express to you enough how much I have seen this happen with my own brother. You need to get out of this marriages. She is going to kill one day because that is what always happens. The next time she hits you. Get to the phone can call the police and have them listen in the conversation. Call the police and have them listen to the conversation they can record her threaten you the abuse that is happening to you. If you have contact the cps on your wife tell them you are a victim of domestic violence and your scare for your safety of your children. Contact the local domestic violence and tell them you in fear of your life. Have that support friend take you the hospital and have them take picture of any abuse. I can not express enough but you need to leave the person. I lost a coworker because I didn't speak up for her. I didn't call the police and report her boyfriend. Today I wish that I had because now it is too late she was murder by her boyfriend.

Contact the police and tell them that she had a history of self harming and attempted suicide. Contact them and tell me you want to leave and she is holding you against your will and is threaten to harm herself. This is abuse. You need to file for divorce and seek custody of your kids make sure that she can't see the kids without the a police office watching.

[Buffy01]

I am sorry to hear that is happening to you. I completely understand how you feel. I had a sister in law who had abuse my brother because she was insanely jealous of everyone who even look at my brother. She had attempted to kill me on more than one occasion. I couldn't prove what she had done to me because of where I live at. She had file false police reports, call cps on us on more than one occasion. She been locked up in the mental hospital for attempted suicide. It is time to leave. I would left the second she assault me or told me what I can and can not do. No one has right to do that anyone. Have you contacted the police? Let the know about the violence. File a complaint against her. Tell them that you want to be anonymously. Someone saw it had happen they were concern for your safety. Tell everyone that you work with what is happen any time she threaten you have them anomalously contact the police and said they heard her threaten you. Ask if they can hired an undercover office someone who can hear the things she say to you. Or witness any kind of harm to you. Please contact the police a lawyer someone who can help you legally.

[wordshaker]

Hi HPOne, this is terribly terribly abusive. My marriage was very similar and very painful. You are kind and empathic and that's why you stay. How old are your children? Please read about NPD, BPD and emotional manipulation disorders. It may help you gain some very useful insights about why your wife is the way she is, and how you can reduce the harm she can inflict to you and your kids.

I don't like to give advice on life decisions, but my first impulse is to tell you to leave, to run far far away. But you have children, and when the mother is the emotional abuser you are in a bind. I sometimes wonder if I had known earlier on that my husband had NPD, perhaps the understanding would have cleared up a lot of confusion, helped me to distance, and perhaps have saved the marriage until my children were grown. Perhaps this is possible for you. The good thing about these disorders is that they're highly predictable and consistent even in their inconsistency. Knowledge of them can be like an operating manual for handling them. Please get a good therapist with strong understanding of personality disorders.

I really feel for you. I really wish you and your family the very best.

[Wearemusic]

Hello, that must be a very stressful situation for you. I think it is abuse in a few different ways.

Firstly, her control of your money- to the point of you not being able to spend it- is financial abuse. You are an adult and she certainly should not be stopping you from accessing what is legally yours.

Secondly, you say she is very possessive and supervises excessively your texts and other means of communication. While this is not exactly abusive, protectiveness is not possessiveness and this lack of privacy resulting abnormal and unhealthy.

Thirdly, mocking your emotions and manipulating you is emotionally abusive behaviour. With the manipulation, she might be also gaslighting you keep forgiving her. Gaslighting is when an abuser/anyone makes another believe an event did not happen- or that they are overreacting. This can manifest by the abuser pretending nothing happened (ex: speaking to you normally an hour after a fight like nothing happened and never mentionning it again). As for not letting you visit others is overlycontrolling. It is absolutely a horrible thing to do. It also can induce isolation.

Lastly, seeing that she is affecting your mental health, you should most definitely take steps to leave your unhealthy relationship. Whilst you do, I'd recommend talking to your children so they hear from you first instead of your wife, and so avoid a situation like her telling your children you don't love her. Not by necessarily giving all the details, explain to them that you don't feel like the current family situation is healthy, for you and in of itself. If you have a house phone that doesn't show its calling history, you might want to speak to your cousins or any family still alive you are comfortable calling. It's important to have support. Whether you want to share with these relatives what you're experiencing, or simply become friends with them is up to you.

Best wishes,

Ashley

[Gablesgirl1061]

Yes, this is definitely abusive behavior. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this horrible treatment. I recommend you read the book In Sheep's Clothing by Dr George K Simon. It offers clear examples of the tactics abusers use to manipulate & control you. It also has practical advice for how to deal with it. Once you know the tactics and recognize when she's using them, you can implement the techniques he provides to handle it in a better way.
I encourage you to switch on a recording app on your phone when she is doing this stuff so you have proof of her abusive behavior. I don't recall if it was the UK or Australia, but one of those two recently changed the laws about emotional abuse by making it a crime. You might check with an attorney in your area.
Another book that helped me is Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. She walks you through the 6 stages of recovery-even if you have to remain in contact with your wife because of your children.
The sad thing is, abusers very seldom change, even with counseling. I've read a lot about this in the past year. Most authorities on emotional/psychological abuse say that marriage counseling doesn't work in these situations because it is NOT a normal marital problem, it is an abusive one. Marriage counseling can end up making things harder for you because your wife will learn new vulnerabilities of yours to exploit. And, because these nutjobs can be so damn charming, she may pull the wool over the therapist's eyes.
It is hard to leave a long term marriage, especially when there are minor children. However, it often doesn't leave you much choice. It will wear you down and erode your personhood, until you are just a shell of the man you once were. Your children will also be affected by her abuse, possibly for the rest of their lives, if they don't get professional help. They may become abusers themselves or prone to choose partners who will abuse them.
No one should be treated this way, by anyone, but especially not by the one who should always be in your corner supporting you.
I recently left my husband of 30 years because his emotional abuse took such a toll on me that I became physically impaired from the stress, and suicidal most of the time because I felt so trapped & hopeless. I'm much, much happier and mentally healthier now that I have left that toxic relationship. My son is grown. i wish i had realized years ago what was really going on, so I could have left to protect him from the damage he now suffers because of the abuse he observed in our marriage.
I hope you will find a therapist who can help you come to a healthy resolution. The kind of "love" abusers give isn't really love at all. It's about power and control over another person for the abuser's own satisfaction. It's a very twisted psychopathology that will only bring you & your children more and more pain.
Many men suffer from the same sort of abuse you do, but their "manly" pride stops them from seeking help. You are a brave man for reaching out. I'm sure you're brave enough to make the tough choices that will, in the end, lead you to lasting happiness.
You are not alone, even though it may often feel that way. We're all survivors here, and want to help & encourage each other.
I wish you all the best as you search for the best solution to this awful situation.

[732017justiceangel]

Every time I come across this issue I cant help but hold my breath. My son went through the same exact scenario with the exception that she murdered him in one of her rants. She has tried to use his history of depression and suicide attempts, and say he hung his self. This history of my sons bipolar depression started when he was 10 years old, and i followed him close all his life. I am now pulling every single conversation I have had with my son to prove his state of mind at the time. Towards the end of his life he had decided he was not leaving without his child, and he began to record all her rages, her drunk rages, and how she was treating him. He would never ever hit her back, only because that would cause him problems. He sent me everything he recorded. I gave the investigators 4gigs on a thumb drive. I know it will take sometime, I also know it is so evident there will be an arrest. The latest figures are 1 out of 3 victims are male - out of three that should not be there in the first place it is a male. I am furious, I'm a girl - and I know this should not be about "she" is always the victim, it is the good vs evil. When I joined another group on Facebook, I was astounded to find out of 2500 members, 658 where mothers of sons who had been murdered by their girlfriend or wife. This pendulum has got to move, it just has to. I will always believe had my son started documenting earlier, had even a resource to get to earlier he would be alive today. From my perspective, you have to do these in this order #1 - go to a therapist that can hear you and what you are saying. if they ask the first question on her behalf in defense red flag it, second get up and walk out. remember there are no established resources yet or strong enough. But you desperately need a strong therapist who can navigate with you to end this relationship. #2 - up the documentation to a level she can not touch. 24/7 video, body cam. you want to prove you did not provoke her behavior, and record what you believe the abuse is, which is not predicable enough to pull out the iPhone. #3 seek the advice of an attorney, your goal is to take the kids, and get out. This will have to be an attorney who is also strong, and not willing to give her excuses for her actions. When you are ready to plant your foot firmly on the floor, do it! This is the best I can tell you. My son was murdered July 3 2017. And as I sit here writing this post my nephew is going through the very same thing. It just astounds me.