[Confusedxx]

So I know some of you have saw my posts, but for a recap. I am in a verbally abusive relationship.

Last night we went out for a few drinks, and he asked if I wanted a pizza. I said sure. The waitress was rather inattentive, and took a long time to come up to us and walked away after he asked for the pie before we could add the stuff. I had mentioned wanting to add jalapenos, and a side of hot sauce and ranch. He said he didn't want the peppers, and I was teasing with him saying he could pick it off. I didn't think he was upset, and he could have asked for half. He has eaten them before and he has said he liked them. I thought we were just goofing around.

Well, we got our hot sauce and ranch and he kept making comments about how they were going to spit in the food, how he couldn't believe I made them do that when they were close to closing etc. Just really nasty. The pizza came, and he wanted another drink. The waitress never came back. They were obviously tired looking and not really paying attention. He got angry, and said he wasn't eating more until he got another drink. I said that was fair. He eventually ended up getting the manager and we got the pie for free.

He kept saying it was my fault we got ignored, because I asked for peppers, and condiments on the side. I had annoyed them, and that it was because of my "extra stuff". I said it wasn't my fault, and just to forget about it and at least we got a free pizza.

He SLAMMED the pie out of my hands so hard the bag went flying across the mall. He began cursing and screaming at me. At home I was "gutless" for not talking when the manager came, I was an ahole, a horrible person, not a good friend, and needed to move out and that the relationship was over.

He then said how he owed the bartender and apology, and how she probably just walked away because he was "easy" and thought the order was over. I am a "princess" and want to be catered to. Again blaming me and no apology to me for cursing or belittling me...but he wanted to say sorry to the bartender.

Anyway... I have decided I am done putting up with his blaming and abusive behavior. I am not sure whether I should tell him I am leaving, or I should take off of work and move out with out his knowledge. He is prone to these rages and very unpredictable.

[cryingontheinside]

I think you are doing the right thing . And probably better if you move about without telling him because whenever I tried to leave my children's father years ago he would get violent and nasty and say the most evil things .
I read one of your other posts about this situation and it is not fair to you . Your partner clearly has some issues . You do not deserve this treatment . I'm glad you are so strong and that you realise that you deserve more than this . Good luck and keep us updated

[Confusedxx]

Part of me feels terrible for doing the vanishing act, but I fear it's the only way. It kills me inside to leave him but I know I just have to do it.

I miss my life, I miss my freedom, I miss being with a partner who doesn't do these things. It's making me exhibit behaviors I never had before. I'm angry, upset, and depressed.

I went to take my old Xanax and the bottle was empty. He threw out my medication. He was never keen on it, apparently it is for "drug addicts".

[cryingontheinside]

He will just say anything to put you down and make you feel bad . That's what these types of people do . I was unlucky enough to be in two relationships like that . And what I can tell you is they only get worse and it gets to a point where they brainwash you into believing all the things they say . And violence levels usually progresses too over time . Please don't feel guilty . Be free and meet someone who deserves you .

[Confusedxx]

I finally called him out 100% on his faulty logic which spawned this episode. No fiance, the waitress is not ignoring us because I asked her to run to kitchen and ask for jalapenos on our pizza. She is not ignoring us because I wanted ranch dressing and hot sauce. NONE of your behavior is at all justified and if you want to end a relationship because of dressing go ahead.

He went ballistic.

[cryingontheinside]

Yeah I can imagine he would go ballistic because he probably thought he could control you and he can see you are stronger than that and he doesn't like it at all. He didn't hurt you or anything did he ?

[Confusedxx]

No, thankfully (I think, I would be easier to leave if he did) his abuse is only verbal. I have been standing up to him more.

This is what he is saying:

this is what hes emailing me
Him: I asked the manager over because I was unhappy. Next time we will just sit there like idiots.
Me: I am not upset about you complaining to the manager. You had every right, the service was horrible. I am upset about what happened AFTER the incident.
Him: What happened is I got a pizza with jalapenos on it! And I am still ****ing pissed!
Me: So I deserved to have a pizza smacked out of my hands and be called names?
Him: **** this ****! Good bye!

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

No, thankfully (I think, I would be easier to leave if he did) his abuse is only verbal. I have been standing up to him more.

This is what he is saying:

this is what hes emailing me
Him: I asked the manager over because I was unhappy. Next time we will just sit there like idiots.
Me: I am not upset about you complaining to the manager. You had every right, the service was horrible. I am upset about what happened AFTER the incident.
Him: What happened is I got a pizza with jalapenos on it! And I am still ****ing pissed!
Me: So I deserved to have a pizza smacked out of my hands and be called names?
Him: **** this ****! Good bye!

You are doing the right thing, bc it will only get worse!!!

[PumpkinPieHead]

My vote is ghosting him. Wouldn't want him to go out with a bang. Dude sounds abhorrent.

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

I finally called him out 100% on his faulty logic which spawned this episode. No fiance, the waitress is not ignoring us because I asked her to run to kitchen and ask for jalapenos on our pizza. She is not ignoring us because I wanted ranch dressing and hot sauce. NONE of your behavior is at all justified and if you want to end a relationship because of dressing go ahead.

He went ballistic.

Um... “verbally abusive” doesn’t really cover this: “abusive” does. His behavior is the way it is right now, so the question you need to ask yourself is, What part of his behavior will change if nothing changes? Even if he apologizes, or has apologized, will the behavior change? Apologies and forgiveness are Good, but if he apologizes for his behavior and you forgive him, part of that contract is an expectation that he’s going to do something to change his behavior. I kept excusing my wife’s verbally abusive, eventually violent behavior, but she didn’t really change. She would apologize and beg forgiveness and I would forgive her and try to explain she needed to change her behavior. It was my fault too: I hated trying to talk to her about her bad behavior when times were good because I didn’t want her to go ballistic. But in the end that’s all it became: me trying to avoid having her go ballistic. Zero happines. Just fear, misery and occasional relief at having avoided another disaster. Not a great way to live. We’re separated and things are so much better for me now..

[nicoleflynn]

Do NOT under any circumstances tell him you are leaving; that will be dangerous. Make your plans in secret. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Abusers are excuricatingly insecure and blame you for everything. They are emotional vampires and need you to continually EXPLAIN yourself....as in...I wasn't doing that, etc. STOP explaining. He can't argue with someone who won't respond.walk away from the abuse, or hang up. You can go on-line and read the things you need to do to keep yourself safe...when leaving. He will try to do and say anything to keep you.

Leave without telling him. You owe him nothing,and you owe yourself your life. He will more than likely remain abusive unless he thinks he has a problem and abusers rarely do. Abusers are miserable and take it out on others.

The one sentence that saved me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win."

[Confusedxx]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Do NOT under any circumstances tell him you are leaving; that will be dangerous. Make your plans in secret. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Abusers are excuricatingly insecure and blame you for everything. They are emotional vampires and need you to continually EXPLAIN yourself....as in...I wasn't doing that, etc. STOP explaining. He can't argue with someone who won't respond.walk away from the abuse, or hang up. You can go on-line and read the things you need to do to keep yourself safe...when leaving. He will try to do and say anything to keep you.

Leave without telling him. You owe him nothing,and you owe yourself your life. He will more than likely remain abusive unless he thinks he has a problem and abusers rarely do. Abusers are miserable and take it out on others.

The one sentence that saved me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win."

Thank you! Unfortunately he knows I am leaving tonight. My mother is going to come with me to get my belongings. I stood up to him yesterday, and he has been in a rage ever since and says he wants me out of the house. It switches from ASAP to 30 days etc. He went on about how because I wanted dressing and peppers for our pizza he had to complain about a waitress that has been serving him for two years and that if I had just kept my F"ING mouth shut we wouldn't be in this situation.

So I am done. I have to save myself from this mental abuse that has been going on in my life. There has been apology after apology but now it's getting to the point where he doesn't say sorry, he just does it and tries to manipulate me into thinking I deserve his treatment. I am entitled to want dressing...

It's basically like he can rage at me, and if I stand up and do the same...

I am a POS who is abusing him. This is the man who screamed at me and tormented me when I had a miscarriage a few months ago because I had started anti anxiety medication and he thinks it caused the MC.

[nicoleflynn]

Good for you.....to save your life. No one deserves abuse. You can also notify the police when you are leaving, or ask an officer to come to the house when you leave. He is losing his verbal punching bag and will remain angry and dangerous. Are there guns in the house?

[Confusedxx]

Unfortunately I ended up staying. It was a mistake. We went out drinking and he came back and was screaming at me for some reason. He shoved me into the deck and locked me outside. I snapped and ended up trying to choke him. He called the police and had me removed from the house. All the verbal abuse... And now I am the domestic abuser.

This is the third outburst he's had in a week he can't go out in public anymore. He just finds something to start with me about. This time it was because I bought some people shots and all I do is waste money.

It doesn't matter that he curses at me. Screams... Demeans. He manipulated the police force into treating me like an abuser.

[nicoleflynn]

Keep trying to leave Don't go anywhere with him and definitely don't drink...where are you now? This is so dangerous; no one ever knows what an abuser will do next. Please don't be a murder victim.

[Confusedxx]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Keep trying to leave Don't go anywhere with him and definitely don't drink...where are you now? This is so dangerous; no one ever knows what an abuser will do next. Please don't be a murder victim.

I'm okay.

[Confusedxx]

Okay guys sorry for the vanishing act. I actually just got back on my medication and rescheduled me leaving. He is threatening to press charges on me for assaulting him, and I am afraid but part of me doesn't care anymore. He shoved me, was screaming in my face, and then bam I am in a cop car being taken to a hotel for getting scared and trying to choke him. I have quite a bit of texts screenshotted on my phone of him saying off the wall abusive and outlandish things. So if it comes down to it, he intimated me into stopping/ not getting treatment and he has shoved me several times. Into walls, away from him, etc. He has threatened to kill me, throw me out windows.

I've never been a particularly violent person...but being screamed at...threatened...shoved....and untreated for a panic disorder is NOT a good combination.

This isn't the first time this happened. He's shoved me or threatened me several times, and I get scared and I have done that to him. He threw a bag of food at me and started screaming at me once over us talking about how many burgers in the bag. But that was okay, what I did wasn't. He's thrown water on me, broken TWO of my phones. He's intimidated me about taking my anti-anxiety pills which I know has a lot to do with the aggression in me from not being properly treated.

I woke up this morning to him screaming in my face insults, cursing at me, and he shoved me onto the bed screaming that I just want to get "f'CKed" because I posted something on facebook almost a year ago about him. He threw my old pills on the ground (which I thought he threw away), breaking the bottle and just saying "come on ***** take your pills".

Thankfully I ended up getting some of them and hiding them in my boot before we cleaned them up so the cats wouldn't eat them, and I took a xanax and started on my celexa again. I feel so much better, with a much clearer head. No obsessive thoughts and wondering, just know I have to leave. I am even finding work easier again. I use to have trouble looking over documents and i'd turn to google and google random things and not focus. I can for once in so many months actually keep my head straight again.
I have been making excuses for these obsessive outbursts for way too long. So what you posted something dumb on facebook a year ago? Does it give him the right to curse and scream in your face calling you a scumbag and stupid? No, it doesn't. The longer I stay and neglect being treated for an anxiety disorder the worse and worse it's going to get.

I am not excusing my behavior I did after he shoved me. It was wrong, I could have walked away. But I am putting myself in these situations that aren't safe with him.

I am not doing it when he is home, I am taking off and pretending to leave in the morning and turning around. A male friend is coming to watch me take my stuff.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

So I know some of you have saw my posts, but for a recap. I am in a verbally abusive relationship.

Last night we went out for a few drinks, and he asked if I wanted a pizza. I said sure. The waitress was rather inattentive, and took a long time to come up to us and walked away after he asked for the pie before we could add the stuff. I had mentioned wanting to add jalapenos, and a side of hot sauce and ranch. He said he didn't want the peppers, and I was teasing with him saying he could pick it off. I didn't think he was upset, and he could have asked for half. He has eaten them before and he has said he liked them. I thought we were just goofing around.

Well, we got our hot sauce and ranch and he kept making comments about how they were going to spit in the food, how he couldn't believe I made them do that when they were close to closing etc. Just really nasty. The pizza came, and he wanted another drink. The waitress never came back. They were obviously tired looking and not really paying attention. He got angry, and said he wasn't eating more until he got another drink. I said that was fair. He eventually ended up getting the manager and we got the pie for free.

He kept saying it was my fault we got ignored, because I asked for peppers, and condiments on the side. I had annoyed them, and that it was because of my "extra stuff". I said it wasn't my fault, and just to forget about it and at least we got a free pizza.

He SLAMMED the pie out of my hands so hard the bag went flying across the mall. He began cursing and screaming at me. At home I was "gutless" for not talking when the manager came, I was an ahole, a horrible person, not a good friend, and needed to move out and that the relationship was over.

He then said how he owed the bartender and apology, and how she probably just walked away because he was "easy" and thought the order was over. I am a "princess" and want to be catered to. Again blaming me and no apology to me for cursing or belittling me...but he wanted to say sorry to the bartender.

Anyway... I have decided I am done putting up with his blaming and abusive behavior. I am not sure whether I should tell him I am leaving, or I should take off of work and move out with out his knowledge. He is prone to these rages and very unpredictable.

I think you should leave. I would take off from work explain why your asking to take off. Ask a police officer of they would stay with you while you are packing up. File a restraining order against him but don't let him know where you are moving to.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

Part of me feels terrible for doing the vanishing act, but I fear it's the only way. It kills me inside to leave him but I know I just have to do it.

I miss my life, I miss my freedom, I miss being with a partner who doesn't do these things. It's making me exhibit behaviors I never had before. I'm angry, upset, and depressed.

I went to take my old Xanax and the bottle was empty. He threw out my medication. He was never keen on it, apparently it is for "drug addicts".

I know but your leaving for the right reasons.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Do NOT under any circumstances tell him you are leaving; that will be dangerous. Make your plans in secret. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Abusers are excuricatingly insecure and blame you for everything. They are emotional vampires and need you to continually EXPLAIN yourself....as in...I wasn't doing that, etc. STOP explaining. He can't argue with someone who won't respond.walk away from the abuse, or hang up. You can go on-line and read the things you need to do to keep yourself safe...when leaving. He will try to do and say anything to keep you.

Leave without telling him. You owe him nothing,and you owe yourself your life. He will more than likely remain abusive unless he thinks he has a problem and abusers rarely do. Abusers are miserable and take it out on others.

The one sentence that saved me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win."

I completely agree!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Good for you.....to save your life. No one deserves abuse. You can also notify the police when you are leaving, or ask an officer to come to the house when you leave. He is losing his verbal punching bag and will remain angry and dangerous. Are there guns in the house?

I agree ask the police to watch you pack up.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

I finally called him out 100% on his faulty logic which spawned this episode. No fiance, the waitress is not ignoring us because I asked her to run to kitchen and ask for jalapenos on our pizza. She is not ignoring us because I wanted ranch dressing and hot sauce. NONE of your behavior is at all justified and if you want to end a relationship because of dressing go ahead.

He went ballistic.

They usually do! I seen violence both ways

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

Unfortunately I ended up staying. It was a mistake. We went out drinking and he came back and was screaming at me for some reason. He shoved me into the deck and locked me outside. I snapped and ended up trying to choke him. He called the police and had me removed from the house. All the verbal abuse... And now I am the domestic abuser.

This is the third outburst he's had in a week he can't go out in public anymore. He just finds something to start with me about. This time it was because I bought some people shots and all I do is waste money.

It doesn't matter that he curses at me. Screams... Demeans. He manipulated the police force into treating me like an abuser.

See if you can get witnesses to the abuse. Ask if you can file charge for assault you.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Keep trying to leave Don't go anywhere with him and definitely don't drink...where are you now? This is so dangerous; no one ever knows what an abuser will do next. Please don't be a murder victim.

Have witnesses! Get everything on tape of the abuse. Any phone calls record them but make sure you can legally record someone and it is admissible in court.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

I'm okay.

I'm glad to hear that!