I have a very strong, intense need in me to stand up to abuse, to fight back and to put that person, the abuser, in their rightful place where they belong.

Even long after the relationship has ended, I still feel this intense need and I cannot let it go until I have said my peace and have stood up for myself.

I do not know where this comes from within me... but does anyone else feel the same way?

Why can't I just walk away, wipe my hands clean and be done with it? Is this a self-respect thing? Fighting for my sense of self and my own self-respect?

Literally, I cannot let something go until I've said it all, and I will hold onto an abusive relationship LONG after it's ended, emotionally and mentally, until I feel I have said my peace and have put that person in their place.

[SorryShaped]

I did take revenge on an abusive bully by crossing the law in a minor offense sort of way. I did not physically harm anyone, and I still don't feel better anyway.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I did take revenge on an abusive bully by crossing the law in a minor offense sort of way. I did not physically harm anyone, and I still don't feel better anyway.

TY for your reply..... I suppose even taking revenge on them leaves no sense of satisfaction. :/

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY for your reply..... I suppose even taking revenge on them leaves no sense of satisfaction. :/

None at all

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

None at all

I'm sorry, that sucks. I know the feeling of wanting revenge on an abuser. I've felt that way myself and got stuck in it for a long while. I guess, as they say, the best revenge is to move on and live a happier life without them.

[cryingontheinside]

There is a few people I want revenge on but I'm just gonna let karma take care of it . I don't even know where these people live any way and wouldn't want to get myself in trouble by breaking the law.

I'm not really talking about revenge necessarily. I'm talking more so about standing up for yourself in the face of abuse, or in the aftermath of abuse...... and wanting to fight back and give it to them.

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Even long after the relationship has ended, I still feel this intense need and I cannot let it go until I have said my peace and have stood up for myself.

.

I’m not sure what your relationship was like, but I finally put it together for me: I used to want to explain myself, to defend myself, to justify myself in the face of a flood of accusations and threats and insults. I used to. But my wife sees any of that as a fight, and she loves a fight, she thrives on it, it makes her feel alive, she craves it, NEEDS it ... and so, in order for me to escape, and to be able to let go and move on, I must not engage with her: it just leads to fighting. Now I say what I need to say—but no longer to her. I write it down (and because we always had the same arguments I go back and edit, a lot). It serves my needs without dragging us back into the chaos that used to be our marriage. One day I may post all that stuff here but for now it’s locked away in the data vault.

Originally Posted by MrMoose

I’m not sure what your relationship was like, but I finally put it together for me: I used to want to explain myself, to defend myself, to justify myself in the face of a flood of accusations and threats and insults. I used to. But my wife sees any of that as a fight, and she loves a fight, she thrives on it, it makes her feel alive, she craves it, NEEDS it ... and so, in order for me to escape, and to be able to let go and move on, I must not engage with her: it just leads to fighting. Now I say what I need to say—but no longer to her. I write it down (and because we always had the same arguments I go back and edit, a lot). It serves my needs without dragging us back into the chaos that used to be our marriage. One day I may post all that stuff here but for now it’s locked away in the data vault.

Ty for this!

May I ask what needs of yours writing all that down serves?

What I am facing is not telling the person off necessarily & starting a fight, but putting them in their place and saying it like it is. This is long after the relationship ended and after a confrontation by email. But I am not sure it will serve any purpose other than pissing him off more and making him react. This is if he contacts me again.... he may not. I have written down my response.... and that could be enough, just like for you.

[Confusedxx]

Yes, I can understand that. But unfortunately you have to realize that it doesn't work. Don't even waste your breath. Abusers abuse because they think they are just, right, and you are weak and need to be corrected and controlled. I spent many a time wanting to tell my abuser he was/ did abuse me. I could have stood there till I was blue in the face, (and I have), and it just doesn't make a difference in their lives. They will read your email and laugh and say "I wasn't abusive LOL!" and delete it quicker than it took you to even type it.

The best way to stand up to an abuser is to live your life the way you want to live it and succeed. Get a new relationship, be happy, and accept you are wonderful and don't deserve to be abused in any way. Silent victory.

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

Yes, I can understand that. But unfortunately you have to realize that it doesn't work. Don't even waste your breath. Abusers abuse because they think they are just, right, and you are weak and need to be corrected and controlled. I spent many a time wanting to tell my abuser he was/ did abuse me. I could have stood there till I was blue in the face, (and I have), and it just doesn't make a difference in their lives. They will read your email and laugh and say "I wasn't abusive LOL!" and delete it quicker than it took you to even type it.

The best way to stand up to an abuser is to live your life the way you want to live it and succeed. Get a new relationship, be happy, and accept you are wonderful and don't deserve to be abused in any way. Silent victory.

TY!

Yes, I, too, have experienced what you are talking about -- denial and laughing at me, then of course, more accusations and more abuse, etc etc. when confronting them.

I AM living a good life now. I suppose I just want the last word and to put him in his place, for the sake of my own self respect and self love.

[Confusedxx]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

TY!

Yes, I, too, have experienced what you are talking about -- denial and laughing at me, then of course, more accusations and more abuse, etc etc. when confronting them.

I AM living a good life now. I suppose I just want the last word and to put him in his place, for the sake of my own self respect and self love.

I definitely understand wanting the last word in, you want to not feel like they are always topping you. Unfortunately you just wont get the reaction you're hoping for. I had my partner cursing and screaming in my face calling me awful names and I "gave him a piece of my mind" and told him no one deserves to be disrespected.

I got a "yes you do".

It's not worth it. If they really want to heal and change, they don't need your words. Your absence is enough. I thought that it would do some justice and change their mind set but it doesn't. They will just become angered at being challenged with the notion of the fact that YOU are calling THEM abusive. YOU dare tell them you don't like their behavior! How DARE you tell them they wrong!

Originally Posted by Confusedxx

I definitely understand wanting the last word in, you want to not feel like they are always topping you. Unfortunately you just wont get the reaction you're hoping for. I had my partner cursing and screaming in my face calling me awful names and I "gave him a piece of my mind" and told him no one deserves to be disrespected.

I got a "yes you do".

It's not worth it. If they really want to heal and change, they don't need your words. Your absence is enough. I thought that it would do some justice and change their mind set but it doesn't. They will just become angered at being challenged with the notion of the fact that YOU are calling THEM abusive. YOU dare tell them you don't like their behavior! How DARE you tell them they wrong!

Wow, you got a "yes you do"? Holy crap.

And thank you...... you are SO RIGHT!!!! That's exactly how they respond! How dare you question me, how dare you call me out on my poor treatment of you, and how dare you accuse me of being abusive...... oh Lordy, yes, I've received all of that and then some.

TY.

[Unrigged64072835]

All but one of my abusers is dead. And the last abuser may be dead too for all I know. I haven’t heard from him in years.

My “revenge” is I’m married to someone who actually cares about me. I’m not a trophy wife, I’m not a cash cow, and I’m not having to please someone at the expense of myself. I can be me.

Originally Posted by Fharraige

All but one of my abusers is dead. And the last abuser may be dead too for all I know. I haven’t heard from him in years.

My “revenge” is I’m married to someone who actually cares about me. I’m not a trophy wife, I’m not a cash cow, and I’m not having to please someone at the expense of myself. I can be me.

Wow..... well, good for you for marrying someone who cares about you! I'm very happy for you! That is sweet revenge.... to live a better life without them.

[Erti]

I feel the need to get him out the streets where he can sexually abuse and rape other little girls.

[Rive1976]

I do but then it will just make her look even better. So I dont see the point. Plus she was a child and couldnt have understood the consequences. It does piss me off that she has this hunky dory life and I am head deep in ***** and alot of it is because of her.

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Ty for this!

May I ask what needs of yours writing all that down serves?

What I am facing is not telling the person off necessarily & starting a fight, but putting them in their place and saying it like it is.

Hi—sorry I took so long to reply—
I think that’s exactly why I write it down: to put her in her place and tell it like it is. But then... if I actually do that it doesn’t work out for me—I might look at it as communication but she looks at it as a fight. So it doesn’t matter what I say: anything I say can and will be used against me in a future fight. It’s really better to just not communicate with her, but because I have it bouncing around my head, it helps to write it down.

[LadyLovelyLocks]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I have a very strong, intense need in me to stand up to abuse, to fight back and to put that person, the abuser, in their rightful place where they belong.

Even long after the relationship has ended, I still feel this intense need and I cannot let it go until I have said my peace and have stood up for myself.

I do not know where this comes from within me... but does anyone else feel the same way?

Why can't I just walk away, wipe my hands clean and be done with it? Is this a self-respect thing? Fighting for my sense of self and my own self-respect?

Literally, I cannot let something go until I've said it all, and I will hold onto an abusive relationship LONG after it's ended, emotionally and mentally, until I feel I have said my peace and have put that person in their place.

I just posted about this actually. I did "stand up" to my abuser, and got abusive in turn. In every way I could, because he was hurting me so badly. I won't lie that along with that sickening, horrible feeling of wrongness I felt partially good for standing up for myself finally. Even though I know it was so wrong.

I think its normal to want to stand up for yourself, to show that person that you cannot be taken advantage of anymore, and save any dignity you can.

But it's just not worth it to fight back, and sink down to their level. Take it from me. The best thing you can do is move on and be happy, and take away their power.

I just wish it was as easy to do as it sounds

[KingMe]

I wrestled with the same issues of wanting to go drive across country to confront the person who had abused me as a child. After a TON of rational thinking, therapy, etc I decided that it wasn't what "I" needed. I just wanted to look the person in the face and ask them why they did it. For me it was just that I wanted closure on the subject and being rational closure was not gonna come from me doing that. I think the best thing for someone to do is to say your peace fine but after that in my mind now if you keep trying to get back at the other person there still winning. So the thing that finally got me from wanting to confront/maybe hurt the person was realizing that by focusing on that person that person was still controlling me, and so I forgave that person and moved on for ME, not for them. I hope this helps some I know I was rambling some.

[happysobercrafter]

I think I can relate to what you are saying. I was badly abused by my two older sisters. I think they trashed me to cousins and aunts and uncles, blaming me for my absence from the family. I distance myself to manage anxiety. I am better now and don't have to so much.

I want to email those two because I want them to know that I now know what really happened and that I am regaining my life in spite of their best efforts to destroy me.

So, I think the question is, what will it really accomplish? Will you get the results you want?

Realistically, it is almost unheard of for abusers to step up and apologize for their behavior and how can I make it up to you. Not to say it hasn't happened. I was a terrible bully and I am working through making amends to people I abused.

What do you think in your heart? What do you need to accomplish doing that? You said you did write it down. Are you sure you got everything connected to that out of your head and down in writing so you can see it infront of you?

[nicoleflynn]

I think the best thing we can do is write a letter to the abuser....of restorative justice....restorative justice says; this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU....to be able to use your voice. It is better than confronting them face to face, because most likely they will deny it....and argue and overtalk you.

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

I think I can relate to what you are saying. I was badly abused by my two older sisters. I think they trashed me to cousins and aunts and uncles, blaming me for my absence from the family. I distance myself to manage anxiety. I am better now and don't have to so much.

I want to email those two because I want them to know that I now know what really happened and that I am regaining my life in spite of their best efforts to destroy me.

So, I think the question is, what will it really accomplish? Will you get the results you want?

Realistically, it is almost unheard of for abusers to step up and apologize for their behavior and how can I make it up to you. Not to say it hasn't happened. I was a terrible bully and I am working through making amends to people I abused.

What do you think in your heart? What do you need to accomplish doing that? You said you did write it down. Are you sure you got everything connected to that out of your head and down in writing so you can see it infront of you?

thank you....

I don't know what I need..... I just need closure and to be past it already. It still hurts, the abusive things he said to me, his cruel words in the end. I know he will never own up or apologize. Somehow, I have to find closure on my own. Writing letters (that I won't send) does help, but I am still not over it. Argh.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I think the best thing we can do is write a letter to the abuser....of restorative justice....restorative justice says; this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU....to be able to use your voice. It is better than confronting them face to face, because most likely they will deny it....and argue and overtalk you.

Thank you.... I suppose it will just take more time for me to get past this. As I wrote above, writing it out does help me, but also trying to focus on other things helps too ... to just move on. I want to move on and forget this abuser already. Enough is enough. ARGH.

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

thank you....

I don't know what I need..... I just need closure and to be past it already. It still hurts, the abusive things he said to me, his cruel words in the end. I know he will never own up or apologize. Somehow, I have to find closure on my own. Writing letters (that I won't send) does help, but I am still not over it. Argh.

Oh, Sweetpea!! It takes work and time to get through those pains as best we can. You might need to write more letters to get as much of it out as you possibly can. When you no longer feel the need to cry or be so upset, you might have resolved it as best you can. Just, please, don't do anything where you could get hurt. Adding to your problems now will not help.

I hear you though, I have that feeling too. I want to say to them that I know what really went on and that they will never abuse me, bully me or hurt me ever again. Plus, I fantasize about them being on Dr. Phil and him giving them verbal beatings about their horrid behavior.

Take care of you, babes! xoxox