Questions From The Dark Side

For most of my life I've always connected more with the wicked witch than with Dorothy. Hannibal Lecter is more fascinating to me than agent Starling. The Dead Kennedy's are much more compelling than any of the living Kennedy's and H.R. Giger's twisted paintings feel kind of comforting and homey to me.

My social history has always put me on the outside looking in and generally, my extremely dark sensibilities don't bother me. But is it from the abuse or was I just born to be like the hateful little girl Mandy in the Grim Adventures of Billy And Mandy?

The nature vs. nurture question. Or, put another way, who are we really?

Why am I so at home writing about zombies and nightmares but stare at a blank page when asked to write a family comedy? I'm not a violent person at all. So why?

Exactly who's sensibilities were beaten into me anyway?

When I follow my darker thoughts to their logical conclusion I look with severe distrust at suburban sprawls, SUVs and quaint little churches that I can only assume are filled with self possessed judgemental assholes. I've felt this way for years. But where did these feelings come from?

Junkies, lowlifes, criminals, punks, delinquents, smut peddlers, drug dealers...These people make me so much less nervous than walking around in a shopping mall.

And yes, I pat myself on the back all the time for being so dark and edgy. It's part of my self image. But I also admit to a severe hatred of myself. So who's back am I patting?

Which should I eat first, the chicken I just slaughtered or the egg it left behind? Did I know that all football players are evil homophobic pricks before they kicked my ***? Does everyone who watches reality tv have an IQ below 40?

And most important, do a lot of abuse victims develop this dark nature, preoccupied with horror movie violence and antisocial iconoclasts?

I can't change who I am but it's an interesting question.

Why the sympathy for the devil?

Why the love of the movie monster?

Where does the violence stop and I begin?

Cyran0

kind of an odd pondering -- from my side of the fence.

The sister that was the meanest and most abusive to me just loves the "dark" side. She can't get enough of horror movies and the like-- the more upsetting the better for her. And here I always thought that it's because she has always been so mean and the "bully".....
I on the other hand can NOT watch the things she does-- my anxiety escalates, I feel shakey and sick to my stomach.

So, just maybe-- liking the "dark" side is just a part of someone-- like how some people like to swim while others like to jog. I don't know-- but I do know I went through many traumas in childhood and as an adult too yet, I steer way clear of horror....... try to stay far away from those past upsetting feelings.

Well, this post was meant to help you feel better about yourself and to say that maybe, just maybe this part of you isn't a direct result of your past abuse. Perhaps it's a part of you that would have always been.........
I hope my post held up to it's intentions.

Cyran0

mandy

I think I understand what you're saying. I'd rather watch Monster 100 times than The Sound of Music for example. It doesn't mean that I have sympathy for the devil though because I don't. I just think it has to do with the fact that those happy go lucky movies (people) aren't real. I don't believe in the home with a white picked fence and everybody is always happy, they don't hurt each other, the dog never dies etc. It just isn't real, it's not happening.
If people would ask me to write a horror story, no problem. A family comedy..... eh..... ain't gonna happen because I don't believe in family comedies. Horror is happening all around us, comedy not so much. Wish it was different.

I think what you're most "around" is what is most comfortable? People who skydive are most comfortable with skydiving and are likely to bungie jump off bridges. Won't get me doing that!

I remember when I went home with a friend I worked with at Sears in a large city, she was black and I, white. She lived in an "unsafe" ghetto neighborhood and I lived uptown. It was late afternoon but became evening and a party just sort of "happened" at her place. I looked around later that night and I was the only white person in the room (and a "woman"). It gave me an odd feeling and I suddenly had a sense of how blacks might have felt then in an all white environment. I had to keep reminding myself I was with "friends" and no one was likely to mess with me.

I'm not saying you hang out with ghouls or anything Cyran0 :-) but we do get into habits of mind, reading, thinking. Not all high school football players are homophobic assholes but I'm sure there's a good percentage who would qualify. Can't say I want to meet them but I am "happy" to hear about your experiences with them so I can know for sure of their existance. That's the trick I think though, to see and experience, if possible, both sides.

I spent several weeks in my backyard with my brother while he tried to determine if he should try out for the high school football team as a Center. I was there so he could hike the ball to me (or me to him, I forget) but it was not a great experience for me, hour after hour "playing" football from the position no one else would take. I've "learned" to wrestle (you want top or bottom?) and played "Army" where my brother made little parachutes out of Kleenex for his green army men and we went out on the roof and he'd drop them, we'd watch them "float" down and then I would run down and collect them and bring them back up. I always got the not very fun jobs from my brother but he has never been a homophobic %#@&#!. There are the other sort of people out there and they could be interesting or not, depending on our interest in being interested in them?

Twilightzone, that is pretty much the world view. I don't buy the facade. Seems like the sort of thing that could be learned through years of torment, yeah? I think that's the way I'm leaning, being rejected by the normal caused me to reject the norm. Violence I know personally is very real...Oh, and about the sympathy for the devil thing, I tend to talk in culture references. It's a bad habit. But I didn't mean it literally. I'm an agnostic, I'm not even sure the devil exists (leaning towards no on that one). Religion would be another of those norms I rejected.

By the way, great handle. That series was groundbreaking. Paved the way for many of the great horror and sci-fi writers that came later.

Perna, I know not all football players are bad people, that some very great minds watch reality tv (I don't know why but I know they do), that Christians are as varied as any other religious group, and that my broad generalities are not really healthy. But I was trying to describe the knee jerk reaction that tends to happen in my head. It's judgmental and immature and when I'm in a better mood, I tend not to make them. But the anger is still there.

As far as environment goes, yeah, I ran with a rough crowd and some artists with pretty dark sensibilities. I'm sure they rubbed off on me and did create a comfort level for odd environments that I just never developed for the suburbs.

Mandy, I'm sorry about what happened to you. I'm not sure I followed all of your post but I liked the sentiment.

So there, glad we cleared all that up.

Now how do I go about deleting this embarrassing thread?

Cyran0

Cyran it's not embarrassing at all...we are all entitled to post and vent and ask questions.....I have lived through real torture of my mind and body....I read up on murderers like the ripper and Christie and watch good horrors, I cant watch anything about abuse, it triggers, but it's who we are, is it because of what happened to me? Would I be different if I hadn't been abused? Who knows, it doesn't mean I want to kill anyone,maybe I'm curious to know why people are like they are, look at Stephen King!!!!! Brilliant but so dark......

I just started to believe in God, from being here and seeing how people have faith and it helps them.....I just dont like having it shoved down my throat, religion is personal...how can you call yourself a christian and not let people live their lives ie (homophobic) I don't understand that......so maybe I'm not eligible to have God love me or me him????Confused here.....I dont go to church and I dont devil worship, my daughter is Pagan/Wiccan that doesn't make her a witch...she worships the first ever religion known to man......I dont know...I'm rambling here....my daughter is a lovely person, but some christians would call her a heathen because she is pagan?

live and let live, that's my motto

Jin xxxxxx

It's embarrassing because I was in my cynical "most the world sucks" mode. Happens when I get cranky. Don't get me wrong, I still love horror movies, H. R. Giger, and the villain more than the hero. That doesn't change according to mood.

What changes with mood is that when I'm in a bad mood I lose my sense of humor. And when that happens I cause really self indulgent conversations like this one.

God, I read that initial post and want to puke. Ooooh, I'm so dark. lol. I suck.

Please disregard, there's nothing to see here.

Cyran0

(((((((cyrano)))))))))))

hugs sweetie, I am always interested in what you have to say...

so there ...... Jin xx

couldn't stop my fingers from tapping out a question Cyrano...

as a small child, did you believe in goodnesses?... perhaps something happened and the good forces failed to save you, so now, the alternative is darkness?

have you considered giving goodness another chance?

ive been deeply down also, and normally i dont feel "qualified" to post in this forum... my depression is for other reasons so i cannot say i understand exactly what you feel...

i apologise if this question disturbs you... i am not referring here to Roman Quarters... but God Spirit as you yourself understand... create of your own intelligence in alignment with guidances from many great minds...

i dont normally browse this forum... you can reach me by pm...

Peace

Cyran0, I am sitting here trying to come up with something extremely insightful and helpful and…but, I just can’t do it. I myself wonder why I am like this. Why did this “me” develop and where did my warped world view come from? Is this the natural me—the true me—or do I still need to do years more therapy to uncover the real me that was “suppose” to exist. How much of my character is from the past abuse and how much of it is just simply me? Where do I draw the line and how do I know what needs to be fixed?

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Cyran0 said:
And most important, do a lot of abuse victims develop this dark nature, preoccupied with horror movie violence and antisocial iconoclasts?

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From what I have learned from my years in T is that many abused people will bond to the trauma they suffered through...... this condition is called "Trauma Bonding" - maybe this is where the fascination with the dark side comes from?

Could be Rhapsody. I'll need to read more about it. Thanks for the lead.

DePressMe, yup, that was definitely the mood of the original post. And yeah, who knows? A lot of good thoughts here but I suspect I'll never completely understand myself.

Thank god I'm awesome or that thought might bug me.

Cyran0

Cyran0,

(((((Cyran0))))) We love you dark or not! We deal with the horrors of our past in the best way that we can. You're a wonderful person. You won!

You continue to use that wonderfully creative mind to entertain the masses! My oldest child, who has lived a hard (learning disabilities and medical problems) but wonderful life has always drawn these dark characters with bizzare stories to go with them. My daughter, given the choice between a romantic comedy and Saw, Saw wins every time.