ok here goes...

((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))) I've been following your story and I'm so sorry for what's going on. I see a lot in here. Are they giving you any type of therapy? I don't know how consistent it would be moving around as I don't know if your moving around is in the same area. If possible, and you aren't getting therapy, can you ask them for continuity of care with a therapist to help you?

Best of luck

i was put on a list for some kind of therapy cause it was sposed to be permanent fosterfamily..
But now we're moving again, I guess we wont be having a t or psych anytime soon

sooo moving tomorrow.. i havent met them yet so.. yeah.. lil nervous. but woulda been otherwise too.. and its not permanent they said so it doesnt really matter anyway how they'll be. Sooo new school, again, monday, for the last few weeks of school before summerholiday.
I don't know what to.. think of this whole fostercare thing anymore. what to expect.. you can't ever be sure if what they say is true... and i just dont like the... uncertainty.
I woke up tonight after another nightmare... i had moved in with the new fosters.. and they turned out to be just like one of the last fosterfamilies.. abusing me.. And while i know intelectually that they prob wont be like that.. i still feel.. sick and.. panicky and just .. plain disgusting.. i dont know..
ss person did notice I was feeling bad about all of this having to move again.. but she just said 'it will be alright dont worry'.. yeah... if it was that simple..
beforehand i could have never expected that id be so upset just because of having to move.. again...
But i just.. they said it was permanent... no more moving... but now when they will say that next time I know not to trust them i guess .. sorry for all the moaning but i just.. have to get it out somehow..

Lucas, it's okay to feel that way - panicky and anxious - because you really can't help but feel such thing. And I'm sorry about this yet another move but like what Vince said, you should focus on taking care of yourself. ;]

Yes, it isn't simple, especially having to trust ANOTHER group of people, to deal with ANOTHER "family". But you know what, things happen and they happen for a reason - whether we know or not. ;] I know it's not easy, but you have to deal with it. You're a strong young man, and that's a really good thing Lucas.

It's okay to vent all your emotions on here. I think, everyone does anyway!! Lol. Hug a pillow when you're so frustrated.

I hope things get better, and the new fosters are much more accommodating and loving.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

i spose it gets annoying if you have to bring someone to and from school all of the time.. even if its a like, a 7 minutes car drive ... or 15 minutes on a bycicle.. because of the safety rules stuff...
so it is still about me in the end.. to much of a bother to them appereantly

But i cant just.. change all of a sudden and be the happy social and 'normal' kid they want who will consider them mom and dad after 2 weeks..
:/

Blue, those things are nothing to ask from a family who were meant to take permanent care of you. They should have had the maturity and sense to think things through before they said they'd offer you and your bro a home. A seven minute car journey is nothing to the care and love you deserve hun. If they really did think you'd be acting like they were your 'parents' then they are delusional and you might just have had a lucky escape!
I'm really sorry that you've had to move on, the most important thing at times like this is consistancy somewhere. I hope that in a way you can get some of that on here, we can travel with you wherever you go You are incrediably strong blue, it really is quite awe inspiring. But i'm glad you are talking on here - say whatever you want, whenever you want.
Praying for you and your brother.
Abby

im not strong... nothing like that. at all
im scared... i feel lost.. not strong..

That's how you see yourself, but this is how we see you ;]
You can do it. We trust you, Lucas.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

no advice sorry but you're stronger then you think

meh i dont know.. im just feeling really anxious all the time
or just plain scared or sad or something like that
and i havent seen my bro today or yesterday and i just really miss him too i guess...

sorry you feel sad n sorry you miss him, but he will get better and you two will see each other again

yeah i know
thanks vince
but for now i'm :S
pretending i'm fine
i dont think I will sleep well tonight though
being in new place and all
having quite a few flashbacks already
meh.. it will be ok.. someday.. right.. it should
but everytime someone says its gonna be ok now
its not
something happens again..
pff sorry i cant help but panic about those things anyway
ok.. back to pretending to be ok now..

(( blue ))
sorry no advice, but:
don't need to pretend you're okay
you can be honest with how you feel
sorry about flashbacks, I hope they ease up for you soon
yes, things will get better, even if it seems so hard to believe
don't need to apologize
hope you feel better soon

((((Blue)))))

So, how is the new place?
And the foster caregivers?

How are they treating you?

((((you are wonderful))))

peace,
love,
nightbird

they are alright
place is ok

((( Blue )))


Hope you are feeling alright.
Hope Jasper is doing alright too.

pfff... nightmares again... really .. distorted

First it was of my father coming up the stairs
I felt my heart beating in my troath as if it was reall
Then was one of their.. parties... atleast thats what he called them...He would invite people over to drink a lot of beer.. some did drugs too.. so they started to do things to me.. mother coming in the room once in a while with more drinks and chips and stuff. then they had me take one of their pills and everyone goes blurry

Suddenly im at the hospital and my father is there too
Jasper is lying in the bed and some of the nurses and the doctor are there too.. and then he smiled at me .. you're to late.. he just died. Now you're truly alone huh? Everyone looking as if I killed him myself not the cancer.. You couldn't save him... You weren't even there when he died, they say...What kind of brother are you??

I'm back at my room at my parents house again
father makes me come downstairs... watch one of the tapes they made of one of their parties... that part is kind of blurry.. but he lectures me on what i did wrong etc etc...
makes me practice :s

Some parts are really clear others are kinda blurry.
I dont usually have dreams this long though.
Also i can see with two eyes again all of a sudden its weird.. im used to having no sight in one eye now.
But memory dreams like that still are as if i still can see with them both.

it really upset me.. even though i pretend im fine...
no wonder i was scared to sleep last nights
Im so tired though.. but i really do not want to sleep
:/

Blue

lucas... im sorry.
if i could honestly help you forget i would. id do anything.
im so sorry youur having those nightmares.
we need to find out how to get rid of them. stat. altho i wouldnt know how. maybe i should ask a doctor?
*hugs*
love yah mate.

Yeah feel like hiding till its all over - whenever that is & whatever all is

so i didnt sleep at all last nights so i couldnt help but fall asleep tonight anyway
Think i slept about 4 hours so not that bad but of course woke up from nightmare again
Except it was from this time last summer that my father beat me up wich eventually led to my bro calling an ambulance and ic. It was a blur of him throwing me into the wall, throwing up blood and him r&ping me anyway.
Appearently I had been making noises or something because my brother came to wake me up and I almost hit him before I was awake enough to realise it was him
Everything hurts like he really did just all of those things instead of almost a year ago. :/ I'm so tired though

I hate nightmares!!! ;[ I wish we could take them all away, ain't it? It's sad to know about these things but be strong, Lucas. Often, we get reminded of things we don't like, but we should take them in and learn to be better and stronger from bad experiences ;]

Hope you're doing better!

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

Safe hugs if you want them ((( Blue )))

I'm sorry about the nightmares, I wish they would go away.
Remember that it is all in the past, you are safe now.
We're all here for you.

ill look into nightmares for yah ok? i dont like the idea of you having all of them theyre horrible.
ill see if i can talk to my doc. aight? and anytime your bothered come bug me. please. i enjoy being bugged honest. ive got alot of time on my hands now too cuz of the end of my exams ok? so if i go to sleep at 4am because youve been ranting at me thats just perfectly alright.
take care lucas.
dot.
*big hugs*

thanks..
it still hurts anyway
even if its in the past
it doesnt always feel like its in the past, over..
it hurts...

(((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))

i haven't read all of your posts, but i know you have been thru severe trauma .... i wish i could take all your pain away sweetie, i really do .... i am so glad you can reach out here, talk, sound off and get it off your chest to some extent ... i too suffer with the nightmares .. but hopefully after this therapy i'm undergoing healing will be complete, or a lot of it anyway .... i just want to send you a safe and gentle hug and know that if ever you want to pm me you are welcome ... sometomes i find it hard to reply to abuse survivors (which is what you are a survivor) for personal reasons, depending if i'm in a good place or not .... but i am here for you.

I sincerely hope the nightmares cease or let up, i woke up fighting and screaming the other night (with my pillow)fortunately not my hubby ..... hugs and care to you, you deserve so much love my friend, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

Hi Blue/lucas

Really hoping ,that things get better for you soon,,,,,,I cant,say much more than your good and caring friends have already said above, ,and elsewhere in this community,,,,,,have been thinking of you more these days, and have faith [although you probably don't see it yourself ] in your own " inner strengh " and in the caring love and attentiveness you have and show for others, will unite to give you guidance,strengh and hope, ,, these nightmares are awful sounding, its good though that you are able to describe them [even if not fully ] and release them somewhat onto these pages, so then perhaps there might be some"letting go",,,,,,,,

I am sure that I will not be alone in thinking that I would give anything to take them away for you blue,anything if I could,,,,as all here would.
thinking of Jasper too,,,,,, and the both of you watching the football together, or a movie ......as we shared the other night?

keep safe,blue,

alevin