ok here goes...

no

((((((((Blue93))))))))

WOW

You are a strong soul and an incredible person for caring so much about your brother. I wish I were not so far away from you, I too would come and get you and your brother in a heartbeat.

I am here praying for you and your brother.

:/ how i feel
and i hate these constant headaches lately
hmmm seems like im turning this into my rant thread... ohwell..
ss says i probably got depression and ptsd
i guess it may be right i dunno
but what does it matter
just a name
dont change anything

sometimes the labels make it so we can get the help we need. Hang in there.

<font color="purple">Hey Blue,
I asked a kid at school to send a prayer for ya
that means double the prayer power headin your way!
I'm so glad that you aren't in that abusive family anymore
</font>

*trigger*
I remember when I was like 6 I think
Dad was drunk. Even for me at that age it was clear.
So I tried to be quiet and invisible.
Because if I'd try to leave the room they'd notice
And who knows what would happen then
I was trying to color a picture we'd gotten at the supermarket. For a contest probably
Dad came into the kitchen to get more beer and he went straight to the refridgerator
Then looked at my picture and took my pencil
drew a picture on it.. laughed and said thats what we are going to do tonight boy
I bit my lip and tried not to cry and he just smacked me in the face 'don;t cry baby' I'll teach you not to cry tonight
put me over his knee and beat the %#@&#! out of me
Then said why wait till the evening and he took me upstairs..
it was one of these times where I was bleeding days after and couldn't sit normally for at least a week. Angry red lines on my back from his belt and the walking stick he used only to hit us
I couldnt see colorpictures without getting scared for at least a few years after

I've been having lots of flashbacks like these lately
I just wonder though
how is possible that no one at school
No one at soccer
No parent from friends
Ever noticed anything? Or maybe they did... but why did they never try to protect us?
I'm not really mad at them or anything
I just wonder how it is possible...
Looking back it must have been so obvious...
I don't need answers
Just needed to let it out i guess

Blue

sometimes they seem so reall though.. flashbacks and stuff
and then i wake up.... or get out of the flashback
And I'm like oh yeah... damn crap blind eye again
like cause even though im gettin used to it
not bumping into things as much anymore etc
those flashbacks and stuff .. in them ive still got 2 good eyes. I dont know if it makes sense
But every time I wake up... Every time I get out of a flashback its that realisation again. sucks..
Just accept it anyone else would say
and im trying to... but its hard

(((Blue)))))

Safe hug if you want it ((( Blue )))

You're in my thoughts, I wish I could help.
You're a great guy, never forget that.

thanks

((((marshmellow)))) --> vince ---> griffe

I dont know what to do anymore though
hard to come out of bed or do anything besides stare at wall, visit bro and in evenings go here...
I dunno its that they wouldnt let me stay home from school but otherwise..
Well not that I sleep much, nightmares make sure of that
I don;t know as if finding out my brother is this sick threw me over the edge or sumetin you know... Like last final kick or something.
You'd say talk about it ... but I can't..really can't..
I know thats supposed to be THE thing to do if you ever want to get over stuff like that, well maybe then I wont i dunno.
I feel lost, hurt, sad, down, whatevs... most of the time
I don;t know how to act though I can't show it guess my father still can inforce that rule even though he's in jail
So i joke or i'm quiet or i talk around stuff
and dont get me wrong i like to joke around in chat
but yeah. i dunno whats my point i guess.
Just a rant?

Blue

Ranting is good.

I know, people like to use jokes as a front to appear "fine" to people, if that makes sense- I try to joke around in chat on a bad day, a lot of people do. If you ever want to talk about something serious, though, don't be timid to say so.

Talking about it is hard... so don't push yourself too much, but whenever you feel like you can talk about something, no matter how small or how big, don't be afraid to talk. Even to yourself, or to write things down, to try and get it out of your system.

Always in your corner, Blue.

Blue...I just read your story, and I can't even express how deeply sorry I am for all the pain in your life. You are a very strong person to handle things as well as you are.

I wish I could help you more. I wish I could find a loving safe home for you and your brother to be together and safe from any harm.

I guess the best I can do is say I'm so sorry for everything you have to go thru.

Hang in there.

thanks
missing my brother tonight
flashing

(( Blue )) Wish I could say something to make it better. Hope things look up soon.

Gonna move fosterplaces next week sometime.
New school, but I don't mind.
I'm just a little nervous I guess... It's good where we are... How will this place be? After the last disaster.. that didn't help... I'm probably nervous for no reason but can't help it. I also hope I can continue seeing my brother when he's in hosp, every day or at least every other day... We'll see I gues... Hopefully he's coming home, next week from the hosp.

Blue

Fingers crossed that the move goes well, you and your brother are always in my thoughts. Perfectly normal to be nervous- anyone would be. Sending good vibes your way.

Ok... I had this weird dream... or more sound like nightmare if I think about it. Can't stop thinking about it so I'll write it down instead.. Maybe triggers so be carefull about reading / not about abuse though.

So I was with a group going somewhere.. They all went into a building. I instead jumped in a dry ditch and looked into a dark kinda cave thing tunnel, clearly made by humans. Group of men walked out and I was going to join the group of people that I was with before.
Saw a fake gun so threw it at two boys who were playing there. But it went of. Nobody got hurt but I was like 'Omg it's not fake'. And the older boy said 'No it isn't.
They were probably 11/12 and 8/9 years old or so.
So I ran up there to try and catch it before he did. But it broke in pieces and he got a part and I got a part.
So I asked him please, please, don't throw it. But he did anyways.

So suddenly there was this burn out already bus in the ditch. And it went on fire because of what the boy threw at it. And I think the boy got hurt a little but anyways I was yelling at them to run away from the fire, afraid it would explode and throw burning pieces around.
so I ran away, the youngest boy seemed torn what to do but then ran away as well.

but.. the other boy was still standing there and then slowly as if in trance or something walked towards the bus with me still yelling at him and then he just walked into the flames while holding his arms up as if he just won something...

and then there was going to be some kind of memorial for everyone who had been in that bus the first time it got on fire.

Really .... weird. I don't know why I dreamt that and no the boys weren't me and my brother nor anyone I know. Actually I knew nobody nor anything there.
So... that's it.
Not looking for an answer or anything just wanted to let it out.

Blue

thats really cool you can remember the details so well blue.. i love to analyze dreams.. i know you will find meaning for yourself... take care guy...

hmm yeah maybe
i dont know really what it means or could mean or anything
just thougt was weird and little freaky
but I dont know
usually they just about the abuse stuff, the nightmares..

Hope you sleep better next night, wishing you good dreams.

thanks thanks... its seldom i get such nights though

first day of new school today.... pfooh.. was weird/uncomfortable/strang/hard.. but yeah guess is for all newcomers.. but now i dont have my brother to spend lunch with so that does suck... oh well..
we'll see how it goes i guess... they probably already figured out im the weird one though.. but yeah oh well i guess not like im not used to that anyways..

blue

Starting out in a new school is always hard. I'm sure you'll make friends though- hope today went well.

sometimes it just becomes to be to much
to hard to handle everything
I've visited my bro today wich was good
But it breaks my heart to see him be that sick
and then realise again all of what can happen
even if people say he will be fine there's so much they can do about leukemia these days
It just scares me so much anyway
I don't know what to say, do, i just know that it feels like im I dunno.. break or something
I feel like im going to cry but I can't
it just.. hurts so much sometimes.. And then those damn nightmares and flashbacks as well..
but at least thats my stuff .. my hurt... it hurts a million times more to see my brother hurt..
I'm tired all of the time, i don't know how to handle this, i don't know... People ask how are you doing and i say im fine but im really not.. i guess..i just feel like i shouldnt be whining after all its not me who's sick... should be strong... but i barely manage to keep it together like tonight when I went to visit him ... but now.. i dont know.. i dont know..

It often hurts the most to see people we love suffer, or to know people we love are hurting.

A lot of people answer 'fine' when we're asked, but if you ever feel like talking about it, or you want someone to know, then you can tell the truth, say you're not fine. It can be hard to do in a group of people, but if you're ever with a friend and feel like talking you can try being honest about how you feel?

I know it is very hard, flashbacks suck so much, nightmares are awful... but one day they will get better. Staying strong is hard, but you are doing very well.

Hey blue, when everything's too much to handle, grab a pillow and hug it tight! It'll help. I just finished reading all your posts *phew* and it really struck my heart to see you and your brother in such condition ;[ How I wish I can adopt you both right now, but I'm just 20 and can barely support myself still. ;[

All I can say is You need 'em.
And advanced happy birthday!

We're all here. Keep us posted!

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>