ok here goes...

Bro came home today wich is a big relief.
I missed him so much even though i got to visit him every day. So he's goin to stay here for a couple of days, get some strength back, before he goes back to the hospital for the next round of chemo...
But for now I'm just glad he's home.

Blue

so bro went back to hosp last thursday starting chemo again last friday and like immediately im having more flashbacks and worse nightmares again..

And the ss contact person I talked to her today over the phone she called to check up on my bro or at least thats what she said ( why would she call on sunday for that why not wait a day till monday when she's at work)
Anyways she said something to me by accident, something she shouldnt have and then I questioned her and guess what... we are getting moved again...
I'm confused this was supposed to be permanent fosterfamily and they bought the soccergoals for my bday or at least thats what they said and the tiny pool so my bro could also cool down and we could all have some fun in the backyard during the summer too cause we cant take him to the local pool cause he's sick... at least thats what they said though but i guess it was all ********
I locked myself in my room after the phonecall im not sure what to think or if i even really care...
I just dont know what to think anymore though...
What did i do wrong... why? So permanent fosterfamilyes arent really permanent... are we 'rent a kid for a day, week, month and bring em back when you dont want them anymore? What can I expect if even permanent fostercare is not permanent... is there something wrong with me or what well i know there is and i know ive been in my room a lot instead of downstairs talking with them or watching tv with them or something but ... i just dont understand... they wouldnt even tell me why ..
Im sorry im prob not making a lot of sense right now

Sorry flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse.
I know what you mean about it feeling so real, like it's happening again. I just try to focus on something else, try to ground myself in the here and now, when it gets really bad.
Wish I had words to help. Always know when you're scared you can log onto here.
Safe hug.
((((( Blue )))))

thanks.. im sorry i changed the post while u were responding vince prob

Calls for a new reply then

I'm so sorry that is happening, Blue. That's can't be easy on you.

There is nothing, NOTHING wrong with you. You are a good person. I wish I had answers as to why this is happening, but sadly I know less then you. You have done nothing wrong- you are just a kid, and you have been thrown into a very adult and difficult situation. You handle yourself and your brother amazingly well, better then adults would.

I'm sure you will find permanent care one day. I am so sorry that they shuffle you around like this- it's so unfair on the both of you. There is truly nothing wrong with you. Nothing that is happening is your fault.

I hope this gets sorted out soon- and you're making sense. Hopefully other things will start making sense soon. PM anytime if you want to chat and keep us posted.

i dunno
they said it was permanent
no more moving
and now she accidentally tells me we will move anyway
i mean if she hadnt slipped that out who knows when they'd told us
it was permanent no more moving thats what they said
what am i supposed to think if after a few months we suddenly get moved again anyway?
What do they think this will do to my brother? He's fricking 12 years old with leukemia in the hospitall for chemo all the time and they cant even give him a stable house ...
What am i to think why they would move us suddenly
its got to do SOMETHING with me cept they wont tell me what... so im just sitting here trying to figure it out but i dont knwo...

There's nothing wrong with you, they only thing that comes to mind is perhaps their sense of perception is skewered, and they think that they're unable to take permanent care of you? There is nothing wrong with you as an individual, nor your brother.

It's sad to think SS can't provide stable homes for people who need it.

Can you demand to know why you're being moved? I'm not good with the Children's Charter of Rights, but no harm and demanding to know why you are being shuffled around.

i dont know..

Wish I had better advice, sorry. Hoping things get better soon.

i just dont know what to think anymore
like i cant trust what they tell me anymore
'what can i expect you know?
it sucks to never know whats going to happen for sure

I don't blame you for not trusting- they have broken your trust so many times.
Sadly the only constant in life is sometimes chaos In times like this I guess it's just best to realize you can't decide what happens next, so try to focus on taking care of yourself? Find out the reason, if you can, but remember to take some time for self-care in all this too.

I understand, hun. I was moved around ALOT too in group homes and foster homes. It sucks because you are too afraid to get close to anyone out of fear you are just going to be moved again. I had no IRL friends because of that reason.
I don't think it is very fair or nice of them to keep you and your bro moving around so much, especially with what you and he are going thru.

Know that you have lots of people here who care about you and what you are going through. I wish I had better words for you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone!



BJ

I just dont know what to think anymore
Every way I look at it
it must be something ive done... or havent done maybe
But now i cant even trust them anymore when they say its permanent home cause its probably not after all...
I hate this uncertainty..

lucas, could they be having problems handling the issue of luekemia with your brother in that case it has nothing to do with either of you but their capability to handle a situation that they by chance thought that they could handle? i promise you blue that you have done nothing wrong... sometimes situations seem easy to handle from our point of view, but when someone who has never had our problems tries to come into the mix they can't handle it... no matter the "training" they've had... so sometimes things that are managable to someone in our shoes only seem managable to somneone outside of them... i don't know how much sense this is making if it doesn't let me know...

much love to you and your brother remember there are people out here who care for you both and wish that we could wave a magic wand and rescue you... just like they wish for everyone who has been through similar things...

remember to take care of you and your brother...
love sass, tig, brass

maybe everything together was to much
maybe it was different then they'd expect beforehand
I dont know.. I just hate the idea that i cant even be sure about this anymore either
like the last thing i need right now

well appereantly we were to much to handle
like they thought they could handle it
but it seemed to be harder then they thought
different then they had expected
more different then what they were used too
(they've had a fosterkid before though for like a year and a half, lives on his own now)
and they figured better say now and go looking for another family
then in half a year or something
I cant help wondering what i should have done differently then
why im to much to handle compared to the rest
I mean i guess it doesnt help that my bro is sick like this...
but couldnt they have though about that before they said yes to taking us in...
This is like the last thing he needs right now
Cause he'll act all cool about it like he doesn't really care but I know its just an act he puts up...
just... blah.... frustration....stil feels like we're cast away like we're a cola can or something..
i dunno... just .... argh

((( Blue )))


I'm so sorry.
I hope the next place works out better. This is very hard on the both of you. They're inconsiderate to not have thought this all out beforehand.

Not your fault, remember that.
Wish I was more of a help.

thanks.. ure always great at supporting me
replying to my posts all the time
i havent said thank you enough to you
so

thank you Vince!

Blue

lucas you have done nothing wrong i promise that and if i could i would take both you and your brother... really wish that i could but right now i'm dealing with things of my own... sometimes people only see the possibility of making someone happy they don't see the toll it takes on them until it is too late... such as the case probably is with your current foster parents... you just have to keep faith lucas that things will get better you will find a permanant home even if it is in a few years but you and your brother will gain some stability... if you want you can contact me any time... take time for you...
and remember we care

Blue, I am really sorry this has happened. That is completely inconsiderate of them. They SHOULD have thought it out more before. Yes, this has to be very hard on your brother and you.

I know it must be so annoying that the one thing you thought would be constant, is not constant anymore but let's just hope you get a better home.

Just remember, that none of it is your fault. It isn't something you did or didn't do, it was their decision. They had chosen to foster you, they should have been prepared and not decided if it wasn't 'perfect' they would change their mind.

You deserve a lot better and remember that, just keep your hopes up; maybe next home will be better
(((blue & bro)))

well maybe they should have thought this trough more before accepting us
but why they are kicking us out again is cause we're to much to handle or something

i spose it gets annoying if you have to bring someone to and from school all of the time.. even if its a like, a 7 minutes car drive ... or 15 minutes on a bycicle.. because of the safety rules stuff...
so it is still about me in the end.. to much of a bother to them appereantly

But i cant just.. change all of a sudden and be the happy social and 'normal' kid they want who will consider them mom and dad after 2 weeks..
But i spose like this nobody will want me either..
i dont know what to do though
and im scared they will split us up eventually anyway..
because i cant seem to fit in anywhere
:/

((( Blue )))


Don't focus on the what ifs, the could happens, those will only worry you. You are not a burden, you are not unwanted, and you will fit in. I am sorry things are so rough- wish I had good advice.

Wishing you well.

i cant help but worry anyway...
and ure advice is usually great so dont worry about that
just knowing i have a listening.... well reading eye is really good too
maybe i shouldnt be thinking those things, like you said but it stil IS a confirmation of peoples actions and what they used to say and stuff to me.. it feels like that ...
meh im sorry i shouldnt be whining today im just feeling low i guess - sorry

blue

ok.. looks like we're.. well i am bro will follow when out of hosp again.. gonna move next week monday
prob not gonna be permanent though
that sucks - i really do hate to move all of the time.
not helping flashing and nightmares either with all the extra stress...

((( Blue )))
I know, this much make all of that worse.
How is your brother feeling about all of this?


Sorry this is happening.
Try to think of other things, I know it's hard, but distractions can help.