[coralproper]

I used to feel sorry for myself for things that happend in the past, things children should not see or have happend to them,......was able to block out allot...

after viewing some of these threads their are some that have had it SO much worse, I have always been aware of this but after reading your stories....I just dont have words to convey my sorrow...my heart gos out to all...

I hope you can find the peace a sanity that you all deserve

[Cyran0]

coral, one undeniable truth is that our suffering is our own. The size of the wound doesn't matter. Big or small, it still hurts.

So while I hear what you're saying, never hesitate to come here, share, and get support. Some people's stories make me think I have no right to be here because my little battle does not compare with their war. But my pain is my pain and people here get that.

Cyran0

[coralproper]

Hi, CyranO
Thanks for the kind reply.

I could go on about the past...which was very bad at times.....but I have so much now that I thought was never possible as a child, or ever even knew existed and feel lucky I have made it.

The #1 thing I wanted was my own home that I never had to fear leaving...then as I grew older I wanted my own family so I could have unconditional love.

I have a wife thats a hottie and 2 beautiful little girls who I love more than life..as well as more superficial material stuff than any man could need.......

The only thing I wish I could have now is the feeling of being normal...I am good at surviving and adapting since I have learned to go through the motions....as well as keeping my #1 goals achieved...but I live in my head still and don't think I'll ever be able to leave.....I have lived through and saw to much to ever come back....so here I sit.

At least I can still concentrate on providing a normal life for my family.....and try to protect them from the worlds dangers that I hope they never really comprehend.

As you said and hit the nail on the head......our pain is our own...so I keep my family from knowing the true extent of my damage since there is no benefit to them.....I do live in constant terror but they dont need to know this and I make a conscious effort to hide it from them,since I am still good at smiling,providing and loving.

Just this post has helped me though...as well as reading the other peoples in this forum....and it is nice to have people here that can relate to my pain without even having to know it.

Thanks again for the kind and reply

gosh coral you sound just like me........I too see my past as a
traumatic thing turned positive in some respects as I have protected my own children and been aware of dangers, situations etc....

Now I am at the stage where I am trying to drop the mask..my kids are nearly 16 and 18, they only know bits of what happened to me....they dont need to know everything, but they are able to understand why sometimes I find it hard to cope, especially going through intensive therapy....

It's hard but will pay in the long run...I hope you find peace too, dont ever compare you hurt to anothers, you felt it and that is real, you are entitled to feel sorry for yourself and nurture and heal yourself, pm me anytime if you'd like to talk, I wish you luck, you dont have to live with constant emotional pain..

hugs and care, Jinny xx

[mtd]

coralproper,

I appreciate your expression of hope for us all to find peace, but I really want to make sure that you include yourself in that, regardless of how you may be comparing your story with others you read here. As CyranO and jinnyann have said, your pain is real, no matter how the cause compares to others. The fact is, we are all on a journey of recovery, no matter how different the experiences that brought us here and no matter how different our healing process has to be. We have a common struggle. And we need to support each other in that struggle. In this process, we will have different, stories, different needs and different frailties. And we may have different strengths. What brings me to my knees, you may be able to face with rock solid defiance, and vice-versa. But what is most important is not how we are different, but what we share and what we need. We need to stand together, so that we can lean on others for strength when we need it. As we share that process, we will experience the power of helping each other heal.

I guess my point is, don't minimize what you have been through by comparing your experience to others. You have been hurt, or you would not be here. You deserve to heal, and we are glad you are here so we can help you. In turn, you can extend a hand of companionship and help when you feel able -- that in itself you will find to be very empowering.

You no longer have to struggle to block out your past. You can let it out here. You are not alone; we understand. And you deserve help. Please don't hesitate to reach for it here. We are united in our sorrow, to be sure, but united just as well in healing.

And one other point. I am overjoyed for you that you have such a beautiful family that you so clearly value and care for. But I worry that while you are providing for them what they need and deserve, you are somehow detached from that by hiding all of your pain from them -- your past is a secret. Keeping that secret is owning the pain. And I don't think it does anything to protect your family. At some point, you will need to let the secret go. The secret can be very destructive. You are being very brave, to be sure. Your family is strong, I can feel that. They will love you even if you show you pain. In time, I hope you can integrate your past into your present by finding the room to not hide your past from others, and truly let the toxic nature of the past out of you. It is nothing to be ashamed of. And it is not a burden to share what hurts you with those who love you. It is simply sharing and embracing the healing love they will want to give you. When I finally revealed to my friends and family my abusive past, I was so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, but just as overwhelmed by the relief of FINALLY not feeling ashamed and not carrying the burden of my "unspeakable" secret. Those who love me were not burdened by my pain. They were happy to extend their healing love. And we were ALL better for it -- closer, more loving and safer than ever, together. Truly, you can protect your family without having to hide you pain and feel not "normal". You deserve that too, and your family would want that for you. You can open up slowly, but please don't accept a life of suffering in silence and in secret from those who know you the most and love you the most. Remember, if a member of your family was in pain, you would want to know, so you could comfort them and help them heal.

I am very happy you are here. Welcome to your community,

mtd

[coralproper]

Thanks,for the kind replys,jinny and mtd

mtd,I don't keep these things secret to protect my family...
My wife knows that I had a very bad past but only knows a few sketchy details,she to had some abuse that she keeps to herself and I only know a few sketchy details,she prefers to keep this to herself and I don't want to pry since I don't need to know details to know she to had damage also.....and feel she don't need to know mine anyway since it is so compounded and it really don't matter at this point....we have pulled through with our relationship barely with a few speed bumps still..... I know that she would still love me despite my damage, since she frequently reminds me I am stuck with her now,no matter what "LOL" I am more communicative than her though and this is one of our biggest problems.......my mother I feel has contributed to the problems I have and holds secrets from me ....though she has tried to make up for it over the past couple of years...my sister has alienated her self from everyone and I have been trying to get my mother to reconnect with her so I can also have contact with her again, and I have a half brother and sister that I feel my mother never wants to know about the past...and tried to make up for her mistakes by raising better...I just have started to get to know them

My children are so young 5 & 3 and only comprehend what we show them right now.....if they ever asked about my past in the future I would be receptive but cautious to sharing....but I don't feel my wife wants to know or share more than she already has since we have started down this road before and had to turn around....I know this is not best but it is how we have managed it thus far...and I don't ever want her to feel pressure from me about this.

I am afraid however that my mental disorders could be compounded from past real life experience,possible genetics,possible brain damage from meningitis that almost killed me at one month of age...and then there was a teen phase of extensive LSD use that oddly is the last time I felt what I thought was normal, I did not see trails and hallucinate like all the rest. It made me feel superior and extremly smart.......I had already had delusions and hallucinations pre and post use.

Most people I am around just think I am overwhelming and crazy and may be right....but they seem to like what I do contribute despite this,since I have been able to (barely)hold the same job almost 13 years and a even longer marriage.

I just have always had a detached feeling from reality and this is probably where I feel the least normal, along with delusions,paranoia, lack of sleep and some hallucinations all of which I am good at keeping to myself to keep from being stigmatized from the general public.

I have dreams that are disturbing and feel a supernatural presence around me almost all the time....this seems to be getting worse as I age and is why I have started to try to find a better understanding from others....so I can protect myself and remain competent to protect and provide for my family.

Oddly I actually took a psychcology and sociology class in 9th grade....since this is what I thought I wanted to be...learned about things like the id,ego and super ego
etc,etc,etc ....and left feeling inflated...not good I know.
since now I actually feel like there is not a psycholigist with the capacity to understand me now...not good again
"I know"

I just feel like a antique vase that has been smashed to a million pieces and the glued back together...it may resemble the original but will never be the same...no matter what I do....I just don't want my glue to fail...one day

thanks again for all the kindness and encourgement you all show here.

[Cyran0]

Considering your symptoms it's amazing you've adapted so well. I really think you owe it to yourself to pursue therapy and a psychiatrist if you don't already do that. Your life is going well but it sounds like it could get so much better.

Cyran0

[coralproper]

I feel the reason I have adapted to the work place is since I was so young when I started.....that I have been shown special treatment in the recent years.

My marriage is still fragile I feel,since my wife has problems that show some times as well and I have a hard time dealing with our lack of communication when we do have a problem,but for the most part it is a amazing relationship.

My adapting skills seem to have started sliping a little and
this is why I have turned to the internet to try to help myself anyalze/help myself. The way words actually come out and the way I write them down are very differant.

...I have considered a therapist but have not been able to drag myself to one yet.

And I actually don't want to take meds either.... my symptoms are real....and getting worse fast.....

thanks again..
.ps..if you notice I have to edit almost every post I make...thats because I can't spell even some of the simplest words until I read them...and even use the wrong word sometimes..

[Cyran0]

I understand not wanting to be on meds. Hell, nobody *wants* to be on them. But I think you might find they completely change your life. And if not, you don't have to continue with them.

But at any rate, I'm glad you're here reaching out. That's a big first step.

And I still think a therapist is a wonderful idea.

Cyran0

[coralproper]

I have been on Lexapro about 6-7 years ago approx....not sure why this is what was prescibed...I just went to a doctor and said I was under allot of stress.Ifelt inhibited and did not like to have to remember to take the little pill everyday...and was less productive...so I quit

I last went to a psychiatrist when I was placed in the care my grandmother on my mothers side between the age of 12-13,one of 3 moves between family.....after my mother and stepfather went to jail for dealing and manufacturing.

I got to see the ink blots and collage pictures and was asked what I saw...I did not want to continue

I am trying to consider this again since I am starting to slip
just a little more each year....I think I am just seeing answers to things that others can't .....but others seem to think I am just getting crazyier

[50guy]

Coral;
Wow, you sound a bit like me. After years of abuse I shut it out and didn't think about it. I didn't tell anyone other than my wife about it. My Mom was a drunk at the time and had many "boyfriends", I was a delinquent child and sent to reform school from which I promptly escaped. I went in the Marines at 17 and never looked back. Then one day the demons came around to collect their dues. I did the ink blots too. Never made any sense to me.
Started taking Zoloft, quit, took it again and am now in the process of quitting it again. I'm like a yo-yo. In all this my life has come full circle and things are getting better every day.

It takes time and we all have different was of coping/dealing with our abuse. Welcome and feel free to PM me if you need to.

"To compare ourselves among ourself is not wise"

[coralproper]

50guy
I am glad your life is getting better every day, I use to feel this way but now I feel my mind is starting to slip....though my life is still getting better

thanks for the kind reply

[50guy]

coralproper;

Don't be afraid to go to a doctor and ask for help.
We didn't ask to be abused and sometimes those demons come back to trouble us.

You can get better. It will take time and acceptance of what happened to you. Our experiances are a part of us forever. It is how we deal with them that determines wether we move on or not,

Don't let it keep you down. It was not your fault.