When I was 8-12, my mother used to make allot of comments about me being perverted for the way I sat, the way I slept, it could be anything. It was so nerve racking and I thought she hated me. My counselor said it sometimes was characteristic of incestous families that mothers viewed their daughters that way. It is definately the thing that hurt the most. It began to be very depressed, stopped talking much, and my self esteem left. Wierd thing is that my mom loved me. She was even worried about my self esteem, but it didnt stop her from seeing something bad in me. I think I battle with that thing that she saw in me. I still feel like an icky child. I wish I knew of an easy way to make it go away.

[(JD)]

(((esther)))) <font color=blue> Sometimes the best we can do is realize that we are adults now, and those things aren't true. Sounds like your mother was battling her own demons.

[mandala]

My mother also had a very twisted perception of me, although she said she loved and worried about me. I think she felt she said/did things for my own good.

It is hard to undo years of basically brainwashing, that you are the perverted one. But try to think of it this way... when your mother saw something sexual in the way you sat or slept, SHE was the one having sexual thoughts, NOT you. She was projecting those thoughts onto you and blaming you for them.

Honestly, I don't think someone can "love" someone and do this to them... you might want to think about how you define love and see if it is attached to being hurt or betrayed for you. If you think it necessarily involves compromise or abuse.

Hang in there, M

[SweetCrusader]

i've heard of this happening a lot before. i don't know who was sexually abusing you (i'm asuming you were sexually abused by your comment about your T saying this happens sometimes in incestuous families. am i wrong?). anyway, where i was going with that... if it was your father, for instance, who sexually abused you, your mother may have been very hurt and felt rejected by him as a result. also, she probably had a LOT of guilt over the fact that you were being molested. but rather than taking a protective stance toward you, as an appropriate parent would do, she decided to ease her own mind by telling herself that you somehow deserved what was happening to you- that YOU were being sexually inappropriate.

you did NOT deserve it. you were NOT inappropriate. children are not like that. they are naturally innocent. it is the abusive adults in their lives that are "perverted." a child is not a pervert.

((((Hugs for you)))) <--- if ok. i'm so sorry that you went through this, and that your mother added to your pain in this way. she did not act in a loving or parental way at all

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[lenjan]

I know how hard it is to "undo" what your parents did to you. I'm still struggling with it and probably always will.

My mother used to stand there and watch while my dad physically abused me. You would think a mother would want to get in the way and protect her child, but I guess she thought I had it coming. She herself abused me, and to this day thinks she's a mother of the year candidate and didn't do anything wrong. She constantly says one thing and does another....she'd jump me about my weight, for instance, and then force food on me.

Parents can do a lot of damage. With patience and a good therapist, you can at least start to overcome it, though. I'm hoping I will be "free" after she dies, but I wonder if even that will solve things. Good luck to all of us with this struggle!

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

[SeptemberMorn]

"I don't think someone can "love" someone and do this to them... "

Something I learned when working through my issues of abuse is that many people don't know what real love is. To them, love is what they saw and learned as children. I was controlled most of my life (also lived in an incestuous family) and I felt that if I wasn't being controlled, then that person didn't really love me. I, in turn, was over controlling with my older children... UNTIL... I was taught that it wasn't love in it's true form. Many of us need to learn what Love really is.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Thanks everyone for your replies. Its funny how of everything that happened, it was wordss and attitudes that caused me the most pain. I just started with a new therapist because I moved away to go back to school. I told her about the abuse but not my mom. For some reason, how my mom saw me is more embarrassing then anything. Who knows why. Well Im rambling...

[SeptemberMorn]

What my mom thought of me was the most painful and still gives me problems. She passed over 20 yrs ago and I'm still trying to deal with it. We need our mother's approval more than anything else, I think, and when we don't get it, we're left with the feeling of "Well, then? Who/what am I??" Hang in there!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[gloria]

You are not rambling, you are getting it off your chest, and we are right here listening and ready to comfort you in any way we can.

The good thing about your experiences is that you know she cared. You know adults make mistakes, and perhaps this is one of the mistakes she made. But you sais she cared about you, and that is good, the rest, well let's work at overcoming it.

Keep on talking, it is never rambling to us.

gab