Trying to understand myself

Hi all,

I am new here. I'm trying to understand some recent events - in particular why I feel like I'm experiencing a sudden onset of anxiety from a situation that happened over 10 years ago.

Here is a brief synopsis of events: I was assaulted when I was in my early 20s by a man who lived in my house. It was a shared housing situation while I was in college. Through a series of events, I got him kicked out of the house, and I eventually moved out as well to a different place. Because it was such a long and drawn out process and because I was told over and over how I was basically making a mountain out of a molehill (maybe because the assault was physical and not blatantly sexual) I didn't seek the help of a therapist. I reached a point of just wanting to be done with it and away from it.

It took me a long time, but I finally feel like I've been able to enter into healthy relationships with men. Recently, though, I started seeing someone new, and he picked up on the fact that I had been assaulted and asked me about it. I told him a brief synopsis of what happened, and since then (that was 4 days ago), I've found myself experiencing some really severe anxiety. My stomach hurts, I can't sleep, and I can't stop obsessing about that recent conversation. I know I need to talk to him about it again - I brushed it off as 'no big deal' because I didn't know how to talk about it.

All kinds of things have entered into my head - Why am I experiencing this sudden onset of anxiety over 10 years later? I don't really understand where this is coming from. Intellectually, I know I probably need to seek some professional help, but I'm feeling really confused. Not to mention: fears about my new partner - will he look at me as something less than he saw me before - as in someone really emotionally damaged?

Thanks for taking the time to stop and read my post. Any feedback is genuinely appreciated.

SilverTree, it sounds to me like you never fully processed the event. This is a common problem with trauma so you're not alone. When you started talking about it, all those raw, unprocessed emotions came flooding back. It doesn't mean you're crazy and nobody should think you're anything less for having that problem. The truth is, that's just how the brain works. It tucks trauma away so you can function in the short term but the side effect is that when the events come up again, the emotions are fresh and painful.

The best way to deal with PTSD is to get the help of a therapist. They can help you process the trauma in a safe way. They can also help you manage your relationships during the process.

Good luck to you and be safe.

Cyran0

SilverTree,

I agree with CyranO. In my experience, his advice is right on point.

I have one thing to add. You ask why this is happening now, 10 years later. In my experience, my PTSD symptoms got worse as time went on. Early on, I hadn't noticed them, or just blamed them on something else. The symptoms got worse because I was still trying to hide from the trauma. I hadn't done enough to work through the pain, to grieve and to heal.

Major life events can trigger this too. You have a new partner. That relationship could have been a trigger. But please don't see that as negative. It could been that your psyche felt safer letting out anxiety because you do have someone in your life now to support you in your healing process. I encourage you to speak with your partner about this, asking for support and understanding. It can help you both.

Hope this insight is helpful.

be well,

mtd

Thanks for your responses. I found a therapist to work and am eager to get this stuff out and not hold it in anymore.

I think for a long time I've either blamed myself or written it off as "well, he didn't really mean it like that" when that's beside the point. I don't know how else it could have been received.

In retrospect, it was both physical and sexual, despite the fact that our clothes were on. The fact that he got on top of me, held me down and wouldn't let me get up (after slamming me into a wall with a plastic baseball bat at my throat).

Incidentally, the person I had been seeing in this process ended things with me - which is for the best. I would have eventually anyway. I told him the whole story about what happened (which I don't feel comfortable sharing here). His response was "huh, well, I suppose it could have been different had it been a different girl - maybe she would have been laughing through the whole thing." That was my cue to exit that relationship. Maybe being with him triggered a response in me to release some of this - I have no idea. Every time he touched my neck it triggered the bad feelings - I know I've had that same reaction from other guys, but for some reason it seemed really pronounced with him. I'm not sure if it's a statement about him or about me, or maybe my inability to really trust him from the beginning. Maybe it was my body's way of saying "watch out for this one." In the end, I realized he lied to me about something pretty big, whether or not he is conscious of that is another story.

Just because it was 10 years ago doesnt mean that it wont come flooding back to you. It was a traumatic thing to go through, and its obviously unpleasent to remember. But be strong ;D

Silver, I'm glad you found a therapist you like. Please keep us posted as you work on this and always feel free to reach out here for support.

Cyran0