Not sure where to post this; deep dark secret

Into the dark abyss
of emptiness I go
Falling deeper inside myself
the greatest shame I know.

Hopelessness engulfs me
in ways I cannot express
Say goodbye to joy and laughter
and hello to emptiness.

Shame has joined me in despair
reminds me "who's to blame"?
Me, for letting it happen to me
or him for all this pain.

I can't bear the painful thoughts
his touch, his breath, his kiss
With no one to hear my cries for help
I slip into my abyss.

It's there I can escape from him
and the memories that remain
Of the touch, the look, the feel of him
and his gift to me of shame.

But though I run, I cannot hide
the pain is everywhere
I just want to forget all I feel
and sink deeper into despair.

Oh please I beg, make me forget
the memories and the pain
The betrayal of trust and loss of me
into the abyss of shame.

Sorry, nightmares. Tried to rest but hhmm. Its my secret; this. I am not going to make it; I really am not.

justme

((((((((((justme))))))))))

Hang in there, hon... I'll be thinking of you and sending safe, gentle thoughts.

M

Hi justme,

I think I remember you from another place; I'm glad I found you here.
Your poem is so beautifully written, and your expression of pain is so tangible. I'm so sorry that you have to feel it, even now.
I have to know though, that you will make it; mostly because I think you deserve to overcome, and become so much more than what this person would have wished you to be.
Dee.

Thanks guys. Well u know what I mean. I wrote this last night; am I totally bonkers;
Someone is watching me. I can feel it. Everywhere I go or whatever I do, I am always looking over my shoulder. I run up my stairs to only look behind me. I hear noises. I can hear people I know yet they are not there. I hear cries, its my babies but yet they are not there. Is it my baby that I murdered? My baby that I destroyed. I feel a presence here; who the hell is it. It is driving me insane. Who the hell is it. Stop making this noise, stop making me look behind my back, I see shadows, flying by. Things come in front of my eyes yet won't show who they are. Someone is here with me, is it an evil I cannot explain? I hate it; the paranoid feeling. I did say a long time ago; I will not live to see my 30th birthday. My intutions are always right. I just know things I cant explain. I am scared to tell. Scared to say what I see and hear. You will think that I am crazy, cause there is someone here. Is it death? I beg you right now; please help me; someone is here with me and I am freaking out in my own home.
When I looked at this today; I scared the heck out of myself. It is my true feelings and thoughts. This is what is going on in my head. I am going insane. Truely. I just shudder at the thoughts of waking times for me. I dont sleep much; nightmares; but being awake is not much better. Am I okay; u tell me.

justme, just

just, have you talked to your T about this? i wish there was something i could say that would help you, but there isn't. i'm sending warm thoughts and wishes and hopes and prayers (if ok) your way. (((((((((((((((((((lots and lots of hugs)))))))))))))))))))

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

(sweet) prayers for me; they are wonderful and I welcome them wholeheartedly. No I have not said a word about this. I am scared to say anything. I had been diagnosed with Schizoaffective some years ago. I had been "hearing things, seeing things etc. It was held against me during my court battles. I told my t that I have had for the last 2yrs that I dont experience this anymore. Too darn scared. He said he did not feel that this was an accurated diagnosis; I want to keep it that way. The lables; I hate them. I have a true fear; what if I am this. Will it get worse over time? They had placed me on so many meds when I first became very ill. I am talking like 8 or 9 different pych meds. I was a zombie and I dont want to go back to this place. sry about the spelling.
justme

well that is certainly understandable. *sigh* my, my you have a lot to deal with. you are incredibly strong. keep putting one foot in front on the other, ok? that's all you have to do. one step at a time. (and take some breaks between steps where ever you can). i'm pulling for you!!!!

((((((hugs)))))))
Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

((Sweet)). Thanks so much. I know I need to tell my pdoc, I am so scared. I went on a site; to look up the in's and out's of this disorder. I honeslty did not believe that I was schizoaffective; but I am not sure. Somethings really caught my attention. With this illness, people may think that others can hear their thoughts or they are being plotted against. Holly crap; When I am out or in a uncomfortable discussion; I think this way. I think; keep ur mind clear, Liz, what if they can hear u think. With my court case; I started to think that all of these people are in on this. Like; child protection, home assessor, lawyers (mine and his). Because with all of whats happened and the documentation I have; the backing of my family doctor (in regards to my son's illness); they are all against me. It did not hit me until I read this tonight. My schizoaffective was the depressive type. I have all of these symtoms again. Insomnia, loss of appetite or weight (this one not accidental), reduction of normal interests, impairment of concentration, guilt, feelings of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts. May be convinced that they are being spied on or plotted against.
When I saw the spying part; I thought I was going to be sick. I rationalized with it for so long; but reading it sure hit home. My kitchen window has no cover; I bought the wrong size (measuring problems.) I just have not bothered with it. Anyway, I am constantly looking out this window; checking to see if any new vehicles are out there. Not too long ago, there was a car outside, not far from my yard. I did not recognize it so I obsessed with going to the window and keep watching; I was straining to see if someone was in it; watching me. I honestly thought I should go buy binoculars so I could see who is out there. How screwed up is that. But at the time when its happening; I cant think straight. I totally convince myself that my ex hired a PI or something. I am always looking in the mirror when I drive, to see who is following me.
I can't believe that I am posting this; how embarassing. I am ashamed of this. Am I schizoaffective. I know u can't tell me that. I dont expect any answers here; no one has any. I wanted to get this out of my head; maybe I can prepare better; to talk to my pdoc.
What was really upsetting tonight; my ex did not phone.I left so many messages; told him he is to be here (my house; feel safer), on Friday, when he is done work. I told him it is a must. No call. So if I tell my doc this; I wont have a choice; he will force me into h. So my kids get hauled off into foster care. No way! They have never had something like this happen before; foster care. they have been though enough then to get removed from my care. They cant take anymore hurt. I am not sure how I will get to my appointment tomorrow. Not sure if I said anything about tomorrow. I am to be there at 1. My boyfriend is out of town again; I forgot. He leaves at noon and gets back at around 3. This was the only time i could get in; actually he rearranged his schedule for me. I dont want him to think that I am avoiding the help; i do want it. He had said he was going to hold a bed for me; not sure till when. Cant see it being long; theres many people that need help. Cant hold a bed for someone at their convience.
So these are my fears; I hope I dont freak anyone out. I sound crazy I know; but its whats going on.

justy

(((((((((just))))))))) <----- lots and lots of hugs

you're right- i'm not qualified to diagnose you. wish i were, and could help ease your mind. but i'm still work on my bachelor's in psych! so i'm a LONG way from being qualified for that. i will say that it sounds very much like schizoaffective disorder to me, and given that you have been diagnosed with it before, that might be an accurate diagnosis. i'm sorry you are going through all this stuff. you definitely have a full plate to deal with.

you haven't scared me, and i don't think you're crazy. maybe it would help you to remember that you aren't the only one that has these kind of thoughts and fears. you really aren't! one of my uncles- one of the few who i actually LIKE- has similar kinds of ideas. only his sometimes get a bit more bizarre, bordering on a break with reality. you do not appear to have break with reality. just maybe a little paranoia. and, btw, i think some "paranoia" comes as a result of having survived abuse and neglect. i have a little of it myself, although probably not enough to be diagnosed with anything.

i really, strongly urge you to talk to your T about this. trust him. he seems to really care about you. and i do think it would be a good idea for you to get in that hospital!!!

take care, hon. (((((((just))))))))
Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

Thanks (sweet). Yes I know I am not even near the only one that experiences this. I feel for everyone that goes through any kind of illness. The appointment I have today; I cant go. I have nobody to take care of my kids. I am not wanting to phone; he is going to be mad. What do I do. Anyway, I am feeling really down. Almost no sleep. I feel like this is a battle that will never end; and I have already lost.

justy

i would say to call and explain the reason. That seems to me to be your best option.

(((hugs)))

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

((sweet)) I was able to go; my boyfriend changed his work schedule. I posted about it in general.
Thanks. (hugs); you sure made my day.

justy

aww... i'm glad i could help you out.

take care, justy

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-