[sujunew]

THIS COULD BE VERY TRIGGERING

Ummm, well, where to start this?? Firstly, I just have to say that a long time ago I posted something about this in the Women's Forum (but with no details of why I have these issues)...I just felt that it was more appropriate here this time...

So anyway, I am nearly 2yrs overdue for my pap smear (they are done every 3yrs here) but I just can't go and get it done. The recall letter I got nearly 2 years ago was what triggered my memories and flashbacks- until then I didn't even know that there was any significance to a random, innocent memory I had until it wouldn't go away and my t and I 'investigated' the memory as much as we could...

Every day I am in fear that I will get a call from the drs office asking why I haven't responded to any of the (?)5 recalls I have received, and every time I go to see my doc I am in a massive state of anxiety for days before the appt until after I have left the office, for fear that she will ask me why I haven't had it done and can she do it now. She did 1x ask me but as I had my daughter with me at the time she realised it wasn't an appropriate time for it.

I have NO idea why it was this recall letter that triggered the memories and flashbacks, or if it was perhaps coincidence that it happened at the same time??

The other thing is that 1/ my doc knows nothing of this 'side' of me- I have never discussed any of these issues with her, and 2/ NO-ONE has known any of this until know- the 'what triggered it all'...Even my t has never asked why the memories and flashbacks came when they did- as they were 'innocent' to begin with it was a few months before I discussed them with her anyway.

But anyway, I guess what I am most wondering is how you other women here cope with/deal with this? I have had suggestions of 'take a support person'; 'take an ipod with relaxing music on it as a distraction' and other stuff but I can't even make the appt, let alone actually get myself there, and with my trust issues there is no-one I would feel comfortable with being there- when I DO have to go I will be happy to have one of the nurses there with me. I believe that even if I did make the appt I would just miss it/not go on the day.

I literally live in fear every day that either I get a call from the drs office to get an appt made or that when I am down there I will be asked to have it done then and there...

[katheryn]

start with telling the doc that it triggers you, you dont need to go into details, and ask doc for help to get to the point of having it done having a doc you trust helps, doc shouldnt push for information if you tell you dont want to discuss it ,
once you have said something you can work towards having the smear

(((((((((((((((((sujunew)))))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

i am probably the wrong person to give you advice on this but i will tell you my experience... the last time (20 years ago) prior to this year.... i had mine... i had a major panic attack during the exam... my doctor was very kind and supportive... helping me get grounded... this past year my med doc started pushing me... and set up an appointment with his nurse practitioner (women) to do the exam... i told her before she began that i was a survivor and that i struggle with panic attacks... she was really kind and took a lot of time with me ... explaining everything as it happened and checked in with me... reminding me to breath... this kept me from disassociating...afterwards i met with my t... it just really helped to know that he was going to be available if i had a bad reaction... by having the np keep me in the present i didn't have any flashbacks and my panic attacks were mild... soooo i guess my advice to you would be to let the doc know what is going on... so s/he can help you through it...lyn

[Rhapsody]

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sujunew said:
I guess what I am most wondering is how you other women here cope with/deal with this?

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I dealt with this matter when it use to upset me - by mentally realizing it needed to be done for my own safety and well being........ and not that of the sick sexual abuse I had suffered thru as a child.

It also helped me to have a female doctor as my abusers were all males.

[Kiya]

OMG i so totally get this i have the same reactions. it usually takes me 2-3 years to forget how horrid they were the last time. I was refusing to go again last year and everyone was trying to talk me into it. Also, like you, when i went in for something else, the Dr would start asking me about it and why i hadn't been in for 2 years.

Remember you can always say NO. It is your body.

I finally did get talked into going to a different clinic since i vowed to NEVER go back to my fam dr where i had horrific panic attacks for a whole week following. I went to a different place, told them ahead that i am a survivor and that these are really super hard for me. they gave me the lady that deals with that the most and she was super nice. it was very quick -10 minutes once i got in, vs. the 45 min with my fam dr. and it was far less horriffic. not that i want to run right out again this yr.

my new MD started talking about all this stuff and i dissociated. i finally wrote her a typed letter (with Confidential all over the envelope) telling her that i have a lot of issues with this and really plan on skipping this year and as many as i can. she thanked me for telling her and said ok.

so there are 2 options (as said in the other posts here too) say NO, be strong and do what you need to do.
Or tell them in advance that you have a hard time with it.
Take care of you, ok?!
Kiya

[sujunew]

thanks kathy. (no promises lol) but maybe next time I am with the dr I might try and say something. The longer the time goes on, the more anxious I am becoming so I really need to do something soon..

[sujunew]

lyn, that's what I am especially scared of- the flashbacks. Every time I consider saying something to the dr I get flashbacks, then panic, then get no-where...I had thought that maybe dissociating from it might help me thru it, but maybe not huh?!

[sujunew]

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Rhapsody said:
It also helped me to have a female doctor as my abusers were all males.

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thanks rhapsody. I have always had a major...issue...the men in authority (although Inever understood why til recently , so unless I have absolutely NO choice in the matter I only tend to deal with females . I am lucky that I was able to enrol in the practice I am with- there are only female drs there, and the 2 that I see (one covers for the other when she is away) I have a good relationship with, as I do with the nurses there.

[sujunew]

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Kiya said:
Take care of you, ok?!

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hey kiya! I read this maybe in a different way to what you were meaning...Because my cousin had cervical cancer when she was just 20, and then after my daughter's old carer got it and told me that it is women in their 20's who are most at risk from it, I feel that I owe it to my daughters to do this (to take care of myself)! But in doing so I will also try to take care of me (lol). Thanks

[bchlyn]

well the time i had the panic attack... i had disassociated... and when i came back to earth (so to speak) ... i freaked out... i will be honest... i had several panic attacks... but was able to stay pretty grounded... and afterwards it was kind of cool that i had made it through... it kind of felt like i had taken some of my power back from the bad guys... it did triggers some things... but i think it's my time to process it... my med doc suggested i take xanax prior...but i had to drive so i was afraid too... lyn

[wisewoman]

I might be the disenting person here but since I just got all of my medical records I will say that telling your history might be a big mistake and allow the doc to blow off concerns as phycosomatic. I would follow my gut and try to get it done as painlessly as possible. Not to sound crass, sorry and good luck.

[Kiya]

sujunew - yipes. yeah, that was why i got talked into it last year.
lyn - i was suggested the same thing about xanax or some other drug - but ...

***trigger*** i was drugged the last time i was ****ed. so i feared severe flashbacks. i am prone to that already (found out at the dentist).

[sujunew]

(((((kiya))))) so sorry to hear that.

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Kiya said:
i finally wrote her a typed letter (with Confidential all over the envelope) telling her that i have a lot of issues with this

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I have been thinking about this all evening and I might print out my 1st post and let my dr read it. That way I don't have to say anything (I have a major issue with talking out loud about anything personal- my t is great b/c she guides the sessions and talks and asks questions to get responses from me lol...). I really need to get this over and done with as I am starting to obssess about it- as the days tick by from 1 recall letter to the next I am becoming more and more anxious about it (I have been taking anti-anxiety meds every night just to get some sleep and peace from my thoughts), and know it won't settle til it's over....................

Thanks everyone for your help and support.

p.s. "Also, like you, when i went in for something else, the Dr would start asking me about it and why i hadn't been in for 2 years."- I just remembered that the 2nd dr I see also works at the local family planning centre and it is her usually who brings all this up!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kiya]

sending you hugs and hoping you get through alright!

[bchlyn]

i just gave basic information... when she asked when my last pap was i told her and she gave me that look... so i told her that i was a survivor and the last one was after i had been assulted... and that i am prone to panic attacks... which she probably already read in my chart... she didn't ask anymore questions... and like i said i think the difference for me was staying present... lyn

[sujunew]

(((((kiya, lyn, and those all those who have sent their support))))
I have decided, between reading and re-reading this thread numerous times and non-stop thoughts on the subject that I will print out the original post and give it to my GP. So thank you (((((everyone))))).....

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((sujunew))))))))))))))))

[bchlyn]

let us know how it goes... your in my thoughts...lyn

[Kiya]

[sujunew]

OMG I feel soooo sick...
thank you again kiya and lyn
I have to see my doc today (unexpectedly) so "it's now or never" . I have printed off my original post, and I think that I will give it to her just before I leave, explaining that I don't want to be there when she reads it, and that I am not ready to make an appt but this is the 1st step towards it. It is...just over an hour til I see her and my anxiety is thru the roof and I feel sooooooooooo nauseous.............

[bchlyn]

hi... how did your appointment go?... i found that i made the appointment right away... so i couldn't back out right then... i scheduled it for the following month... so i had time to prepare myself emotionally for it...lyn

[sujunew]

I DID IT!!!
Well, I gave her an edited version of my 1st post as I was leaving lol. I felt so relieved up til about 15mins ago when i realised that now I will have to face her with this the next time I see her !!! But at least I have taken that 1st step, it does give me some relief (when the panic and anxiety subside lol).
So thanks again to everyone for your support

[bchlyn]

i am so glad you were able to follow through... that was really brave...lyn

[katheryn]

well done, first step over hopefully shes a good doc and can help you through this

[Kiya]

oh good!!! I was wondering about that! Heads up, too, that when you actually do go in for your apt, there's a chance that you may need to remind her about your letter. The dr.s see so many people and it may be some time before you go back.... so to keep yourself safe, know that it is ok to remind her and tell her what you need so she can help keep you safe.
((((((((hugs))))))))