Angry

I am so pissed off right now that I feel like smashing a hole in the wall. For so long I've felt so bad about myself. Everyone thinks I've got it great. That I'm a polite, well-rounded boy that has the world at his feet, and I do lead a very good life, but they don't see how I'm just barely managing on the inside. Screw the ocd, and all the damn thoughts that I think and all the feelings I feel. They make me so mad and the more I think about it the more they feel connected to what happened.
After I was assualted I automatically went into shock, forcing myself not to deal with it and pretending it didn't happen to me, but to someone else. Then came the overwhelming guilt that maybe I had caused it and that I should have done more to stop it. And then after that I thought that I had finally dealt with it. At that time by dealing with it I mean I didn't think about it, but by that stage school was on and I had other distractions. Now after feeling like I'm becoming an offender myself (which I don't want to be) I am so so SO ANGRY at the absolute BASTARD who did this. I would value the life of some feral animal over him. Everything keeps getting replayed in my mind and despite me thinking it is just a memory, it still hurts. What I would give to meet up with him again. I've taken Muay Thai Kickboxing lessons since the attack and I'm now a very proficient brown belt. It makes me feel sort of guilty but I would truly love to belt the god damn [censored] out of him. I hate him. If he's what has caused all of this then I wish something really terrible would happen to him. I know that sounds horrible and a part of me thinks I shouldn't be thinking like that but I can't believe he could care so little about what he was doing. I haven't ever said anything along these lines. Like I said, to me my way of dealing with it wasn't to deal with it. And I've never felt angry about it until now, usually I was ashamed, but I want something awful to happen to him to see what it's like. I feel so stupid for saying all of this. Screw him, I know if none of it had happened then my life would be infinitely better today. If only eh.

Your anger is a part of dealing with this! A normal reaction, once again! It is not going to be easy to process through all of the emotions that are connected to this assault, but it IS going to be worth it because even though you get deeper into the pain, confusion, anger, shame, etc.- healing is on your path in this journey. Healing is not the end, either. You get to live a life where the trauma of this experience does not haunt you everyday. You can do that.

It sounds to me like you are cycling through feelings at a pretty fast rate right now. If you can, try to give yourself a break from these feelings by doing some sort of self care. Or maybe do some of your kickboxing routines to work out your anger.

You have every right to be angry. You've blamed yourself for long enough- for something that was NOT your fault in any way. Accept that anger, because stifling it will never make it go away. It will only rechannel and probably in destructive ways. Just focus it where it belongs- and do so safely.

((((safe hugs)))) if you want them. You are facing some very real challenges, I know. You can handle this, though. You can find healing. A song I really like that helps me when I feel like giving up and shoving the feelings down for good says "The only way out is through, the only way we'll get better. The only way out is through, ultimately."

Angela

I agree with Angela, Ozze. You have a right to be angry. If you feel like you might offend as a result, though, I hope that you will take proactive steps to get somebody to help you work thru. things before anything happens...

Don't let the bastard control you thru the future actions you might take, OK? He isn't worth it, but YOU are VERY WORTHy, and very important, and don't deserve to go down the same loathsome/despicable path that he did.

Best regards, Peanut

Well said, Peanut!

Ozze, you are not an offender. Assault triggered my babie's ocd as well. You will grow to be a compassionate man. What happened to you triggered a response in your brain. It was wrong what happened to you. It is good to look at it and find yourself to be a good person who will not hurt others. You will develop a strong sense of morality and ethics from your experience. You have the power to make a change in your life. What happened to you was because of that person, not you. I hope this makes sense. You are NOT going to hurt a child.