[wisewoman]

Don't know what got into me last night but I called my father and spoke with him for over an hour. I tried not to be to confrontative but I was also honest. He told me his dear friend had also died recently, a nice man as I remember, died of cancer. I spoke about the fact that I was never good enough for them, always tried to do well and be a good person but always was told I was a bad slut. Spoke of my issues with hanging up on his wife when his mom was dying and all of that. Told him about my kids, actually had him speak with my youngest briefly, he is a tame old man now. He answered the phone without his o 2 on so he became quite short of breath. He told me he wanted me to be happy. I told him I wanted parents who loved me unconditionally and never had that. We didn't speak of the abuse really. No need. I did say to him what my conditions are if I were to have a relationship with his wife, the mother. I told him about some old hurts, for example, the morning I had my youngest daughter and called them to tell them he was very unimpressed and began to speak of my sister who was pregnant and due 5 months later. There was no animosity but I held true to myself. I did not become the vulnerable child. I don't know how I feel about all of this. Confused at best. I told him about how I learned about my dearest Jane dying. He spoke well of her, I didn't know he knew her but he said nice things about the community loving and missing her. I don't believe he knew we were close. I told him how hurt I was when he and the mother always called me a slut. he denied that. did tell me he remembers telling me to wear a bra. I don't know. there will be no settlement about the issues, but will we be able to have a relatioship? I don't know that answer. I am still in shock that I even called him. It's like I can forgive the past if he were to be kind to me now, sort of start fresh you know? But not if my history and my self is denied. He was by the most part less abusive and hurtful then she was but he was her tool and allowed it to happen as well as carried out beatings at her beckoning. I guess losing my Jane made me want family because she was mine. Don't know what, if anything that phone call will mean. My friend at work who is wise and loving told me that if I wanted the relationship with my sibs I had to bite the bullet and always be the one to initiate it and accept that they would not. Accept that they would not come here to see me, if I want to see them I must travel to where they are. I am getting old, my family is aging. I want to have a family but I do not know if it's possible. I will call and love some of my siblings. Not all but some. (have 8) I don't know if they are people I want to be friends with, have to get to know them. Next step for the parents is in their hands. I have soent many years healing and maybe I can keep myself safe from them now in an emotional sense? Oh so confused.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( wisewoman))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know you did what you feel you need to do for "you" right now. I hope you get maybe some small understanding or placement from this, if nothing else.

I've seen my father approximately 5 times in my adult life. I saw him last November for the first time in 14 yrs. He had been calling here (when drinking) and every single time we would freak completely out...not being able to remember "that was then, this is now". He talked about how ill he is, etc, every time. Finally, I looked at t and said, "I'm going to see him!" I needed to go and see him. If he's and old frail man, I needed to know this...parts of me needed to know and accept this. I wanted no more fear of this man. T was amazed, and, after discussing all of the safety issues, hubby and I went to see him.

I was in shock at his appearance and frailty. That needed to be seen by parts of me as well. I took a camera for pictures to remember him as his is now, long after I returned home. I'm glad for the contact with him then for many reasons. It's helped so much of me with issues surrounding fear and PTSD. Also, he just had his left lung and part of chest wall removed. He has cancer. I went to be with him during his surgery and even stayed all nite! amazing. For me, this was the right thing to do. I did this for the man that I remember before he went bad. He was the one who taught me love and emotion. He loved me. He was also a lifer in the marine corps and a severe alcoholic, and after time he became very ill and very mean for different reasons. But when I was younger, he was the one who made me feel special, loved and important. I went to him because of that man I once knew. I have absolutely no regrets. We talk occasionally now and it's been one of the most healing relationships within my family. I could go into more about the father, but it would probably be too triggering. But, I did something to try and let go of some fear that was hurting me, and it worked. I expected nothing from this man and he's capable of very very little. Therefore, he didn't disappoint me. I had a clear motive before I was in contact and because of that I wasn't let down or upset or anything.

I think the same was for you. You didn't have any high expectations for your father. You wanted to talk to him for some reason(s) that are all your own. I do hope you received just a small piece of what you needed out of that initial call. I do understand you disappointment in not being validated on certain things...after all this time especially. One thing that still stands out to me when seeing the father here is....how differently things are remembered! And I must say, he remembers them to benefit him and his memory, lol.

WW, maybe you're doing what you need to do with your birth family so you just don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. I did what I did for my own reasons (when everyone else was worried for my safety emotionally and simply didn't understand why I would want to see this completely evil man). I have no regrets. I never received one sorry. I never received one validation. I think for the first time in my life I saw him for who and what he was...a sick old man...who is my father. I do hope you get exactly what you're looking for when contacting your birth family. I would just be very clear about what I was doing it for and what I expected to result...for emotional safety.

extra (((((((((((((((((((( ww ))))))))))))))))))))) right now. What you're attempting to do is hard. I pray you get some small peace/understanding.

Be safe and I'll be thinking about you,

Kimmydawn

[wisewoman]

emwell and Kimmydawn,

Emwell, you post was very touching to me. i am sorry you didn't get to have a father but I am happy that you have a mother and that she has known love.

Kimmydawn, I was not clear with what I wanted, still am not. I wanted to see what it would be like. My persoanal Boudaries were intact and I stayed true to myself. I was honest and shared my view on some things which of course he has no memory of. I am still confused by all of this but less frightened today. He is an old man on 0x2. I reached out and was honest. That's the best I can do. Thanks.

[Wants2Fly]

Wisewoman, my family relationships are so uneasy, I don't think I have anything to share, except . . .

<font color="purple"> ((((((((((((((((((((((Wisewoman)))))))))))))))))))) </font>

[kimmydawn]

wisewoman,

I think the best you could do was great! How awesome you could maintain those personal boundaries and stay true to self! I failed miserably there I'm afraid. It worked out alright, but I didn't maintain the boundaries that I needed to and, as a result, got hurt more than a few times when I dealt with the father.

I'm so glad you're less frightened today. I think you're a very brave, wonderful person.

Be safe,

Kimmydawn

[emwell]

Kimmydawn made a great point. EXPECTATIONS. Someday if I do choose to contact my biological father, I must remember to have very low expectations of the encounter. I miss the Dad I thought I had. I dislike very much the man he truly is. It would be easier for me to contact him if it wasn't for his wife. When I called a few years back to tell him I was coming to take my grandmother out, he actually asked his wife if it was okay. LMAO I call that Pwhipped. The day I picked my Babca up, no one was suppose to be there. I was quite surprised to see him exit the house. I guess his wife made him stay home as she probably thought I would burn the house down or something.

I did briefly feel bad for him. I had brought my Babca a picture of me and her 3 great grandchildren. She forgot to take it when I dropped her off. I had to go back and give it to her. I told my father that I would leave the picture in the mailbox. Again, he met me. I watched him look at the picture as he walked into the house. I felt bad because he has 3 incredible grandchildren that he will never see unless they decide to see him when they are much older. These kids consider my Mom's second husband their Grampy. And what a great Grampy he was.

[wisewoman]

I am not sure the parents give a rat's behind about my kids. You folks are great and understanding and it's helping me to process this event more. Thanks a lot for sharing and support.

[emwell]

My father would never admit to wanting to see his grandchildren and he most likely could care less about them. Knowing him, his wife has convinced him we don't exist(although I did hear his voice in Sept when I called my Babca). Funny, I had to ask her who answered the phone. He just sounded so old. My MOM has aged much better than he has.

I did have to laugh one evening. I looked up birth records on the computer to see if my father had grandchildren from his step kids. One of the kids had a baby the day before my birthday. I can just imagine her mother making her push harder so the kid would be born before midnight. I bet she even set off firecrackers to scare the baby out of her. Not to mention praying to her God that the baby would not be born on my birthday.