[ErinBear]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a terrible problem. I re-started counseling a few months ago. At first I went there because I was having terrible problems with depression and suicidal thoughts, and my intention was just to work on that. I know I have abuse issues, and I have worked on them in the past, but now they are rearing their ugly head(s) again and I am having terrible flashbacks, etc., again. Talking about this in counseling would probably be worthwhile, but I get stuck. I physically/mentally cannot speak. I don't know how to fix this. Partly -- maybe mostly -- it is connected with the abuse. Then I get scared, and so mad at myself because I want to speak and cannot, which makes it all worse, and I feel like I have to hit myself, which is very hard to deal with. I am thankful that my therapist is patient about this, but the problem is that I am not. I really need to talk about these things, and I have no idea how to fix this problem. It's driving me batty! Have any of you had this problem, and if so, does anyone have any clues about how they rectified the situation? I had the problem in counseling before, and I gave up and wrote things down instead, but I don't want to do that now. I don't think it really helped me to write - I don't think it is the same as talking. I think I need to speak now. If anyone has ideas, could you please share them with me? I would be most grateful. Thank you in advance.

Take care,
ErinBear

[JulieBean]

Yes, actually i have had this problem... i don't even know how to explain how i got over it. I would try to talk to someone, a friend usually about things that have gone on in my life, and i just couldn't get myself to say what it was that was going on in my mind. The only way i can describe getting over it, was just to take a deep breath, forget about the emotional attatchment to what i was saying, and say it as if it were everyday speech. It would take me a few, or more than a few minutes to be able to do this, but it helped. I don't know if that will help at all for you, but its the only thing i can think of. I hope everything works out for you.
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

[Zenobia]

I had this problem as well. I would write letters to my T...I still do... and send them in the mail. That way he would know what it was that I wanted to talk about then he would use them as a jumping off point and try to get me to start talking about what I had written. He has also had me read what I had written. I refused a couple of times but did manage to do it a couple of times and that helped a lot. It was hard to read out loud the words I had written while I was in intense pain.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Rapunzel]

You said that you tried writing it down, but what did you do with it? Did you show it to your therapist? I have always had a lot of difficulty talking in therapy and would just sit there not being able to say what I needed to say. I think sometimes it was because I didn't feel comfortable with or trust the therapist I was seeing, but I had the same problem even after finding a therapist who was/is good for me. This one has been much more aggressive about asking me questions and getting me to talk (right from the beginning), which was something I needed. But there were still things I didn't talk about. A couple of times I after going to sessions where I just sat there and didn't talk, I tried writing my therapist a note and taking the note with me the next time I went to therapy. That worked very well, as then he knew what questions to ask me and I could talk about what I had written. Now he has given me his e-mail address, which is probably about the best thing that could have happened for me. Even though he isn't all that good at answering my email and I have to wait until I go to therapy to talk about it, at least I have a way to bring up topics that I couldn't otherwise. Sometimes I still go to therapy and am unable to talk and he tells me to pretend that I am sitting at the computer writing instead.

<font color=purple>"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."</font color=purple>

[mtd]

i have flashbacks also and have the same problem talking about them afterwards. they really scare me and can really paralyze me emotionally -- i feel like a zombie afterwards. Part of me wants them because i'm frustrated with what I can't remember -- there are so many gaps in what I remember. I try to be patient with myself after a flashback and usually don't talk to anyone right about them. Only after the emotion has really settled can I really speak of it. I've had a couple with other people in the room. I know I must look like a freak to them, but I really can't stop it. Even then, I couldn't talk about it. I guess my best advice is to be patient with yourself. Maybe once you catch your breath you'll be better able to talk about your experience. Maybe you're pushing yourself too soon to talk about it. I'm sorry you experience flashback too. they hurt. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. remember that you're not alone, and maybe that will help also.

mtd

[ErinBear]

I just want to thank all of you for your ideas and comments. It's helpful to know, somehow, that others have wrestled with this...although at the same time, I don't want others to have this same experience because I know how frustrating it is, so you all have my sympathy! I have brought things in to the therapist in written form in the past, but I've been trying not to do that this time. I think it is more cathartic to speak and I'm trying to figure out how to do that. But I'm still stuck. I appreciate your ideas and suggestions though. Maybe I can talk to the counselor about the problems with speaking; maybe he will have more ideas. It is so hard. He has been very patient and understanding about it, but I am not. The flashbacks have been so constant and vivid, especially the last few weeks, and I don't want to be alone with them in my mind, and yet I can't say them either. It's awkward. Anyway, thanks to all of you for listening and sharing your thoughts. I'm grateful to you.

Take care,
ErinBear

[ginniesky]

maybe you could try turning so that you are not facing your counselor as a first step then as you get comfortable you could face her...

[Fuzzybear]

I have the same problem

[sujunew]

I write down things then give it to my t. She always asks if I want to go over it then, but several times I have chosen not to straight away (the longest was about 4 months later I think). If I leave it for too long she comes back to it and checks in to see if I am ready to talk yet.
Good luck.

[mick07]

I, too , went back to therapy to deal with depression and suicidal thoughts-- which stem from past abuse. I haven't been able to talk about them in therapy & the thought of writing it down is more frightening for me.

[River2008]

Hi Erinbear,

I think there's no getting around it...if you want and need to talk then you must choose to do it. It can bring feelings of shame, guilt, self-loathing, fear of your therapist rejecting you forever, but from what I can tell, from what I've seen from others and from my own experience, the words must come from ourselves.

I think the difficulty, at least for me in the beginning, was that in talking or trying to talk I was also dealing with some of the same issues from the the abuse. After all, one is not allowed to express how we feel when we're being assaulted. One does not expect the perp (no matter how much we may wish) to stop, hear us and let us go.

So, while the feelings may be on high alert for expression now, the same self-defense/protection is coming up too...I think.

I would suggest that you do whatever you can in your session to feel safe and take the risk of talking and the feelings it will bring up. Even if it's only one or two words, even if it's only to say, "I want to talk about this now but I can't because ________________", it would be a tremendous start. You might not come back to the discussion for who knows how long or it may be the very thing that frees you to talk a bit more each time you go to therapy.

You experienced some horrendous stuff and I can see why you wouldn't want to begin a dialogue that starts to explore and heal it. So I wish for you that maybe one word or all the words you want to express might be doable at your next session. Mostly, I wish for you that you don't give up on yourself. Oh yeah, I suggest you get a verbal agreement with your therapist that you get to handle this on your terms and that may include your allowing her to help you when you get stuck, but for her to hear clearly that you want her not to push at a certain point.

River...knowing it's all easier said then done

[insidious]

"I want to talk about this now but I can't because ________________", it would be a tremendous start.

I love this sentence. Evenif I dont tell my T. Even if I just figure out the answer for myself.

Thanks for that.

[insidious]

I email my T during the week and then we talk about what I can when I see him. That helps a lot.

[ErinBear]

Dear Fuzzybear,

I'm sorry you wrestle with this problem, too. I'm not sure how this thread came up again after so many years! But I did get this straightened out with that counselor. He was very, very patient with me. I did a lot of writing, which was helpful, both in and out of session. Then he helped me work through why it was so hard to talk, and gradually over time, I became better at talking with him. This was years ago - he moved away two years ago, sadly - but I remain so grateful to him for his help.

Fuzzybear, I think we have some things in common sometimes. I know communication is hard for us both at times. I hope someday, too, you'll find someone to speak with or work with who is similarly patient, kind, peaceful, caring, and gentle and will help you work through these sorts of issues.

Thinking of you,
ErinBear

[skeksi]

Wow, ErinBear, how neat to read about your original struggle and see that it turned out quite well for you! I am so glad your counselor was able to help you. I strongly believe that I am on the same path with mine. Although is is still very hard for me to talk to him, I keep trying, and I find myself wishing I could speak to him when I am in upsetting situations. I think it is important that we simply give ourselves the time (and patience) to build trust. It won't come fast for most of us.

Thanks so much for sharing with us!