[barrett]

this is basically just getting everything off of my chest and might not make a whole lot of sense, but please reply.

my dad treats me liek *****! i am fourteen and go over to his house every other weekend. he told me that i am fat which caused me to be anorexic/ bulimic from ages 11 to 13. i do everything wrong in his eyes, for example: the other day he was having me sweep and scrub his bathroom (i should mention that even though he is a 40 year old man he claims that he is unable to do house work because it is a "woman's job" so i do everything at his house, even yard work) he claimed that i was sweeping "wrong". first of all how do you sweep wrong? i thought that as long as you got the dirt off of the floor that it was the right way to sweep. well according to him i was using the wrong sweeping movements and was qoute "retarded". it really doesn't bother me that he called me retarded, what bothers me is that my older sister, who is sixteen and also his child, is mentally handicapped. therefore i DO NOT like it when people call others retarded. it just angers me so much that he cant show a little compassion that he has a mentally handicapped daughter and shouldn't use that word around her.

another thing that he did was i take antidepressants, and obviously i take them to his house when i go over there, and he forces me to give him some. then threatens that if i tell anyone that something quite unpleasant will happen. i don't think that that is normal.

i don't know...he just tells me how worthless and stupid that i am and how i will never amount to anything and that i won't make it into college (i make the honor roll every time and i am taking 10th grade classes in ninth grade).
and don't tell me that i should just go to court and make it so i can't go over there anymore, because his child support is what my mom pays most of the bills with, without it we would be out on the streets.
i guess i don't really want a solution i just wanted to tell someone, i never have before.

[Kayleigh]

Do you really have to visit him to get child support? That doesn't make any sense. You're still his kid, and he still needs to pay for you, but you can't be expected to visit an emotionally abusive father. Why don't you check and make sure you have to be visiting him to get that money, if you haven't already. I don't know where to check, but maybe someone else here does. And the sweeping thing, my step-dad used to do that, I didn't know how I was sweeping "wrong" He was just trying to be an overpowing.... I'll let you all fill in the blank. Okay well, just check in on the conditions for child support money, because that doesn't make any sense that you have to visit an abusive dad to get money for basic supplies and what not.

[(JD)]

(((((Barrett))))) What a big step to tell! You are becoming stronger than you have been before. Now, do you have a school counselor you can talk to and see if you can trust them with the same information? You already know what your dad says isn't true, but you've been hearing for so long, it will take support to truly change your inside thinking.

[barrett]

people are not understanding!! i don't like him but i love him....it is a complicated mixture of emotions and i don't want to leave my dad

[Leslie]

(((((((((((barrett)))))))))))))))) I hear you when you say, you don't want to leave your father. I just want you to know you are not in the wrong. Your father doesn't sound very nice. Try to hang in there and don't take what he may say to heart. We are here to support and help you in any way we can. I wish you lived near me and you could meet my son, he is 16 . I love him deary.

Take care ,
Leslie

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((barrett))))))))))))))) only if you want them.

i understand loving but not liking your father. you love him and what he has meant to you at times, but don't like the way he treats you and others. you have every right to BOTH of those feelings it would seem.

i'm not going to say anything that you might want to hear or haven't possibly heard before. however, i'll say this...you can love your father and still take care of yourself.

first of all, visitation in this state is not manditory to child support. in other words, if you're in a situation that you shouldn't be at your father's, visitation could be halted or supervised and your father would still have to pay support. you need to check the child support enforcement agency laws in your state. it should be the same. i just don't want that to influence your decision of making yourself go to your father's house. he can't stop support because you refuse or ask not to go. maybe you could just back off visits due to your life getting much busier all of the sudden???

secondly, you don't deserve the way your father is treating you. he may possibly be resentful of some things in his life and taking them out on you...which you don't deserve. you can still love your father and get help for yourself and your sister by telling and hopefully the situation could improve. it would not make you a bad or unloving daughter to not want to be treated badly. somehow, your father has to get the fact that to continue to have him regularly in his life, he needs to treat you with the respect that you deserve. i'm sure you feel pretty stuck and don't want to make more waves, but sometimes we have to ride waves just to get to the shore.

i really wish you well and hope you stay in touch. if you decide not to do anything at this point, you can just use us for a sounding board? you're in a tough position, but you also show a great strength.

please keep in touch?

Be safe,
Kimmydawn

[Malady156]

Barrett, I *think* I might understand what you mean when you say it is complicated, how you feel about your dad. It sounds to me like you are confused and hurting because he treats you so badly, but you still need a father and you are looking for your dad to be the kind of father you need, a loving, encouraging, supportive father who respects you and can help you grow, especially at this time in your life (14 can be a really difficult age to live through, I remember it was for me and for my kids). It sounds like you are hurt, angry and upset because he is treating you this shoddy way and you need him to see, hear, recognize how much you need him to be a "real father" to you instead of the way he is acting. You feel like you love him and you don't want to give up on the hope that he will recognize what is wrong about how he acts and work to change that.

That is what I THINK I am hearing from you -- please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong -- it's YOUR mind/heart and YOUR feelings after all and these are just my guesses.

One thing that might be helpful for you is to realize that people often do not change or see the need for change unless or until something pushes them into facing up to things. Right now for your own mental health's sake it sounds like you need a "break" from Dad. Not a permanent break up, but some time to yourself to heal and gain strength, maybe from some counselling or therapy to help you make sense of your confused and conflicting feelings and to help you set healthy and appropriate boundaries with your Dad, hopefully with your Mom's support on this? I know sometimes it is scary and confusing to set boundaries with a parent -- it can feel like (and sometimes be interpreted as) "disobedience" or "being rebellious" but with the help of intelligent, compassionate and educated adults who will support you in learning how to do so *appropriately* it doesn't need to feel that way.

You are right in believing you deserve to be loved, respected and treated right. It sounds like you try to be a "good" daughter to him and there's a lot of conflict between wanting to be a "good" daughter and yet needing to be treated right and not getting that.

Please talk to someone "objective" who can help you. An objective person is one who is not involved in the family directly -- is there a teacher you can trust? School counsellor? Adult friend? They might be able to help you figure out how to get the help you need to cope with this difficult situation.

Having a mentally handicapped child really messes with a parent's feelings. I know because I have one myself. That is not to excuse your father but just to say it can create a lot of conflicting feelings inside for a parent. Maybe he needs some help, too, to deal with all those feelings. But you can't make him get help. Right now you need to concentrate on taking care of YOU. Please talk to someone who can help you get the help you need. Don't put it off even if you feel "stupid" asking for help or are afraid or don't feel you deserve or need it. Just give it a try?

Keep us posted how it's going OK? And feel free to talk / vent here of course!