[nightdream]

I'm not a survivor because I am still right there.

I just left my abused familly behind me. It was hard but I did it. But I'm still being abused by my husband. I can't say what I want to say, can't give my opinion, can't say how I feel, can't do anything.

He says do whatever you want but this is not true. Everytime I try to say something or do something he starts yelling and gets angry. And I can't deal with anger, I just back away, keep silent. I thought that I didn't want to reply to him at times because I was scare of hurting him but I found out lately that this is not it. I'm scare of being more hurt and quitting.

nightdream

[SweetCrusader]

((((nightdream)))))

You are a survivor. You are alive, and you have been abused.

Unfortunately a lot of people who are abused go on to enter abusive relationships in the future.

Are you in therapy, by chance? It might help you to deal with this stuff and do what's necessary to either fix or leave your marriage.

Angela

[Fuzzybear]

I agree 100% with what Angela said. If you can't afford a therapist, there are some books that might help, and of course posting here ...

((((((((((((((((((((((nightdream))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Fuzzy

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm not a survivor because I am still right there.

I just left my abused familly behind me. It was hard but I did it. But I'm still being abused by my husband. I can't say what I want to say, can't give my opinion, can't say how I feel, can't do anything.

He says do whatever you want but this is not true. Everytime I try to say something or do something he starts yelling and gets angry. And I can't deal with anger, I just back away, keep silent. I thought that I didn't want to reply to him at times because I was scare of hurting him but I found out lately that this is not it. I'm scare of being more hurt and quitting.

nightdream

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nightdream, you are completely entitled to feel scared and admit that this is the emotion that undermines you.

If you can somehow get the message to your husband that 'angry shouting' is hurting you so much, he might understand. If he is not an abusive person, then he owes you this respect, if he is abusive then I think you need outside help.

The pain goes deep when we've been through a dysfunctional family. I can deal with a lot of hard things, but if I were to hear my father's angry voice again, I would be like jelly. Before he died, I tried to tape record his angry ranting, so I would have some evidence. I had a little recorder, but he found it and stopped me. Of course, abusers never want any evidence of what they do. They know that what they do is bad, that's why it has to be hidden.

I hope that your husband can wise up to this, as you need some space to get well in. If you could both get to a counsellor that might be the best chance for you.

Gentle thoughts to you, Myzen

PS - There is a lot of love in the world; some of us just landed in the wrong place.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

You are a survivor, you got away, you are here, and you did survive it.

[Avaa]

I am glad to hear you left your abuse behind. So many people can't seem to do it.

[ktp]

((((Nightdream))))

I agree with the others. You are a survivor, you're here. I think it's perfectly okay for you to be a little scared. It takes awhile to get over things of this nature. I call it "gunshy"....I am the same way and it's taken me YEARS to get to where I am now, which is a LITTLE better. I feel the same way at times with my husband, but this is self-initiated in my case. I do the things I do because I don't want him to hurt me or I'm scared, not because of anything he did but because of the past. He is the same way, he is a survivor of abuse as well. Sorry if it seems that I'm rambling, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

Many blessings sent your way.
Kimberly.

[nightdream]

First I would like to thank you all for your replies. It's still amaze me everytime I come here to see such kindness and caring from the people in here. You are all so very special!

I got away twice really from abuse. I just did with my familly and I did years ago with my ex. This one I will never forgive. He abused me in lot of ways but I promised myself back then that he would never take what I was born with and that is my love towards others and nature. And I kept my promise.

I am in a tough situation right now. Lots of stress in different direction, lots of problems, lots of thinking. I can't leave my husband as he said that I am his support, his reason to live and he would die if I ever leave. My feelings doesn't count only his does or whatever he wants. So I have to ignore that I have feelings.

No I have no therapist and I can't efford one. More of half of my money goes to my husband's medication. I'm holding by a thread and I don't even know why. I guess it is my instinct to survive that is keeping me going.

Again I thank you so very much!
nightdream

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((nightdream))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love to you,
Fuzzy

[Maya]

Nightdream - you do not have to be responsible for a man who abuses you - regardless of how much he needs you. He needs a caretaker and you are a wife. You survived, as everyone has said - you are here and we all care and understand. I dare say most of us come from an abusive relationship. I am in one now where one minute he is fine and the next he is angry and yelling. My T wants him to come in with me to talk about how his anger affects me (makes me depressed and think about dying) but so far he has refused to come in. Anger is so scary when we grow up in angry households. Continue to survive - continue to be the good person you are - committed to not causing harm to others - but that does not mean you have to allow others to cause harm to you. Please take care of yourself.

[bethannaTN]

(((Nightdream)))) When I left my mother, she fiegned a heart attack and said that I was killing her by leaving. She didn't die. She didn't have a heart attack. I was amazed that she presented that I had soooo much mental power over her. When I left my ex husband he told me that he would never find someone that loved him again, that he wouldn't survive without me. He has done very well for himself in the last 10 years. If he didn't find someone to love him - then it was due to his own actions, not mine. If HIS actions were anywhere close to how he treated me, then he may very well be very much alone.

People grow and change by the direct consequences of their actions. If there are not consequences, there is no growth. I didn't owe my mother anything. I didn't owe my ex anything. I owed MYSELF the benefit of living without fear, without abuse. I have a constitutional RIGHT in this country to pursue happiness. The question was: Do I deserve it? There was a sneaky little secret in my head that told me I didn't. It told me I deserved exactly what I was getting. It was MY secret. . .and I was responsible for it in every single way. My therapist at the time recognized it - long before I did. I had become the epitomy of a Stepford Wife. I had absolutely NO personality - because to have a voice, to have an opinion was such a dangerous way to be. She asked me what were some things that I loved to do that I didn't do any longer because of the situation I was in. I loved to draw. I loved art. I loved to write. I loved to garden. I loved to dress up and look pretty. I loved to learn. My homework assignment that night was to buy an art pad and a pencil, and maybe some ink, and start a drawing. I was to draw my heart, something that let me speak and have a voice - even if it was in a picture and wordless. I drew a china pot with flowers in it. Some of the flowers were bold and strong, some of the flowers were wilted. It was a beautiful picture with a lot of detail. It was wall worthy. My self worth edged up just a little, and that secret became just a little quieter. Eventually after nearly a year of doing little things that I loved to do, that secret was close to nonexistent - and I was packing boxes and moving out.

My current husband is an alcoholic. He's paranoid, delusional, egocentric, very ill with his disease. He can walk into AA at any time and begin his recovery. But he won't. Why? Because he safely drinks. The consequences of his actions don't effect him. They effect me. If he can't get what he wants (goodness knows, I don't give it to him!), he takes it. Making his disease once again all so comfortable. I am in the process of splitting the finances and working on getting to a place where I can be on my way - and when he gets the slightest hint, I hear all the things your husband says, all the things my mother said, and all the things my ex said.

The one thing I don't hear any longer is that I deserve to be treated this way. I hear "I deserve to be treated in a loving nurturing way by the man I chose to spend my life with. I deserve the ability to pursue happiness. And I deserve to feel safe and unafraid in my own home."

There are women's shelters in almost ever city, Nightdream, and they offer free education and counseling, even if you are not ready to leave. They can be a huge support. A lot of them have a buddy system, like AA has sponsors. I encourage you to contact them, and let them offer you the strength you need so much right now.

The deciding factor with me with my ex was when my therapist asked me a very blunt question - Did I want to bury my children? Did I want to die? She asked me this after meeting with him for nearly six months. I didn't want to bury my children. I didn't want to die. I left.

Beth