What is a survivor of abuse?

Does it mean we live through it and don't die? Does it mean we move past it? I adopted a child out of severe abuse and neglect. Her parenting was difficult as she never let me give affection, always reacted like a victim. She moved in with a very abusive boyfriend and his abusive family in July of last year. And came home in June of this year. Only to take our truck and be missing for 15 hours before we called police and she called me.

She has not been heard from since. She is back there. She says she can make her own decisions. She is mildly retarded. Her birth sister used and abused her last week and neglected and abused her toddler in front of my daughter. Is this what we have to show? Patterns continuing?

Did it make any difference her time here? I have enjoyed her so much these last few months and now I am just plain angry and hurt beyond words. So it is Nature vs Nurture huh? Kid leaves me stuck with her yellow lab, due to be fixed the 27th. She has made no contact.

I can't do this again. I want to scream and cry and mourn. Back to where the treatment and control are comfortable for her.

Why, she has not survived? On her own, as a parent she would be great but if she becomes a parent in this family it is another child doomed to abuse. I can't take it.

I survives? What, I lived to try to make it better for others and this is what happens? I think I shoulda stuck in my shell on the mountaintop and let no one in. I am so hurt and angry. With little hope for the 19 year old. and none for the 19 month old

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
wisewoman said:
Does it mean we live through it and don't die? Does it mean we move past it?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I would say YES to both of them..... to survive is to come out alive...... EMOTIONALLY!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

surviving abuse means you don't become an abuser yourself.

the dictionary says a survivor is someone who lives through a situation - fire earth queake an attack and so on.

To me being a survivor goes beyond living through what ever traumatic event happened.

To me its not putting myself in the victim role anymore. saying ok I survived as in I lived through the actual event now I can choose what I want to d about it. I can stay stuck feeling like I am still back there going through the situation or I can do something to make my life better.

To me being a survivor is meeting each challenge that comes along and doing something aout that negative situation so that there is a positive in the situation. Basically looking at ok my child is in foster care to go through residential treatment facilities. emotionally yea theres a down side of this I miss my child but there is also a few positives - with him in residential Im dont being beat up, spit at, my crutches thrown in the nearby creek. Our cat isn't getting thrown agaist a wall because my child is upset that a neighbor won't accept his appology for his keeping them awake all night slamming his bedroom door because I locked up his bike so he could not use it in his active suicidal state of mind.

In every situation there is a negative and a positive. Being a victim means the person is not in control of what happens to them but being a survivor means the person can CHOOSE which - positive OR negative action they want to do.
If they choose positives then their life gets better if they choose negatives then they have the consequences that come with that.

you're daughter is a survivor and at the moment she has choosen a route where she probably hopes there will be a positive outcome. maybe those around here have told her they have changed and she right now wants to believe they have changed. only time will tell if they have or not. If they haven't she knows you are there for her so right now knowing she has you to catch her she is ready to explore options. and in adoption cases that exploration usually does involve the person trying to give the biological families the benefit of a second, third, fourth and so on chance.

hang in there She will be back but she is now an adult and so she must make her own choices good or bad and reap the rewards or consquences. and yes Unfortunately the baby is caught with those awards and consequenses too. hopefully the baby will be ok.

I feel like I have had a cycle through a wringer-washer. She is home. She plans on persuing her employment and health goals with me and spending weekends with them. That way I can mother her and we can be her family and she can cautiously grow up with the young man and the family that abused her. Sigh of relief, she woke me up and I couldn't be mad, just asked for a hug.

I am a survivor of abuse. Right now I am healing from that abuse... so one day I will thrive. Perhaps she still needs healing before she can thrive and as much as you love her.. it will happen.. she has you.. as tough as it is on you sometimes... she will one day know what a blessing you have been to her.

Hang in there!! I'm glad she is home and you gave her a hug. Love conquers all ya know..have faith.. it wil get better.

Faith, I want to have faith that she will survive and not repeat a cycle of abuse that is to my knowledge at least 3rd generation now. Or, if you count the baby is that fourth? If not what of my years of mothering her? What of my love for her, my family's love for her? We get hurt, what does she get, does it make a difference?

Today I say yes. She called her sister at college and they spoke, she is planning on flying to see her grandparents she has not seen in about a year and a half and they are not young. I am helping her with health care stuff and she wants to get certified to early education/childcare. Which she is very good at.

Thanks for the encouragement, please keep it coming. I love this girl as though I gave birth through my heart and it breaks whenever I see her getting hurt.

I think surviving also implies learning from whatever we survived. Problem is, no one else can decide what one is going to learn. Some people learn negative things and others get some positive things about themselves and others who helped them survive. Because no one can do it alone, survive. We get rescuers/helpers but how we perceive them (you know how people can wake up fighting from anesthesia? My girlfriend knocked out a nurse, cold) is a personal quirk. But keep on helping your daughter, it's part of who you are and how you are surviving so well yourself. It's a good thing, helping others even though it might cost us pain.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Malady156 said:
surviving abuse means you don't become an abuser yourself.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I like this definition quoted above.



wisewoman, it's not your fault your daughter chooses to live a life of pain. She don't sees herself worthy of love, respect, and tenderness. She is attracted to the abusive hard life because it masks her shame.

You cannot fix or rescue her. You can only love her and let her make her own adult mistakes.

Pain is supposed to teach us how to better ourselves. If she doesn't hit her bottom because there is someone to catch her fall all the time, she hasn't learned the consequences of her actions and choices.

I'm sorry you have to see her fall. I know it's painful to see a child hurting.

Please don't allow yourself to become victimized from your daughter's actions. You deserve love, respect, and tenderness from her. Please demand no less.


Pain is not entirely a bad thing. My past pains have taught me to be a wonderful parent. I'm sure you are too. (((((wisewoman))))))

Thanks Jennie, my girl is a kind, respectful caring compassionate young lady. She is blinded by abuse, her past and present, severe depression, lonliness. But I sense a difference in her now. She is holding her head high and she has told the boyfriend what she expected, told him all that he did that was wrong and he agreed that he was wrong. She is actively being a part of this family. She is persuing goals. I can hope still can't I?

Just to add a little humor, I asked her if she would hold my young french lop while I cleaned his cage. The rabbit is gigantic but calm and quite sweet. When I put the bunny in her arms my daughter's Gigantic Golden Lab jumped on her and pinch-bit her. She had to hide in the bathroom for the duration. This is one BIG dog. She spoons with him at night. He is sweet.

I can't let this child fall. If she starts breaking the law and becomes uncaring and mean then yes. But now I see someone with only victims in her family and the boy friend's family to show her anything besides us, we have given her family. I often think it ain't much but she has had routine, love, food, experiences in life that are exciting and good, friends, culture..... Much more then she would have had.

There is always hope.. Every little good thing.. hold onto for dear life.. baby steps is what it takes sometimes and she may take tiny ones... but each one counts.

My son suffers from parent alienation syndrome. I didn't even know it existed.He suffered years of abuse from his father after his father stole him from me and kept him hidden from me for 10 years.

I prayed for him every single day he was gone from my life. I never gave up hope for him to come back into my life and have room for me in his.He has made alot of mistakes.

I found him when he was 18.. he seemed hopless.. truly. to everyone but me. i never gave up hope... and has a long way to go.. but he has come along way indeed... baby steps.He has 2 sons,and another one one the way. It is not ideal situation for him but he is good to them.. loves them dearly.

I tell you this because I want you to see there is success to look forward to. Hang in there! You loving her will be like a light guiding her back to everything you taught her.. just as it did for my son knowing that I always loved him.

your story is amazing. I am glad you are able to hold onto your son through these times. I wish you continues luck and blessings.

My daughter stated that she would be with us M-F and boyfriend's family on weekends. She missed special olympics Sat and called at 9:00 last night and said she was spending another night. I said thanks for letting me know so I wouldn't worry and something about she needs to do what she needs to do. I was trying to be respectful when in fact they are gaining all of the control of her back. I have not seen her or heard from her today. I am so sad. I feel Paralyzed. I can't do chores or move. I am exhausted. I need to just move. I fear so much that she is lost again. I hurt.

Hi Wise Woman,

Question: Are you madder at your daughter, or at yourself for trying to help her?

I understand how you're feeling. Personally, I no longer believe in adoption.

So many times adopted children abandon their adoptive parents for their biological parents, b/c psychologically it is more comfortable.

I'm sorry for what seems at this time your loss.

Hugs,

EJ

Am I mad? At the abusive family, at her poor choices, at her disrespect and disregard for us. Hard to know what to do. She finally called and said she would be home tonight at 8. I fear losing her back to the culture she came from.

you are a fantastic person beyond belief, you adopted this child and gave her meaning of life and love ,whether she responded back was her choice and she knows it. you never demanded it ,you have let her grow up with her own mind and let her be responsible for her own actions whether it be good or bad.sometimes you have to show the parent side with demands to keep her safe, in time she will know this that you did it out of love for her and her family. be their for her when she falls to pick her up, keep showing her you are her mother who knows best even if she doesn't like it,tell her no when she wants to go out if you think it is unsafe and tell her why, if she goes anyway tell her you will wait up. keep letting her know you care for her as you have done so far, one day she will need you and guess what you will be their and she will know you will, why because a mothers love never dies and she will know it.

keep smiling

i wish you well

Deepblue you are very kind. I am trying to still be loving and kind and asking her to check in but she is sliding away again. At least she is booked to visit grandparents at end of month and that will get her out of here.

i know it can be difficult for you i know with my own children and step children but somehow i work better with my step children they may hate me for it i am sure they have done in the past but at least i know i have changed them for the better if not now but when they have there children they will understand why i did it because i loved them dearly.

maybe time away at grandparents will do some good for your daughter absent makes the heart grow fonder!

i wish you well

keep smiling