Profound... profound.. profound sadness prevails my "system" ...

I am DID.... how to explain to those.. that are not DID... yet share... the common bond of sexual abuse in their background...

I won't try... I will trust the common bond.. to bring about understanding of my post...

Being DID.... means to be mis-understood by the world around you... am at the extreme severe end of DID...so.. very distinct alters.. very distinct personalities.. with their likes.. their dislikes.. their clothing.. everything...

so all of my life.. have heard "you change your mind so often"... " you are inconsistent"..... " you laugh one minute" and "you cry the next"... "I don't know what t expect from you - from my boss"...

Asked to live in the world.. to perform.. as "normal"... yet... having to strive against all odds of "achieveing" that unobtainable goal.. consistency.........simply because my mind shattered.. because I was sexually.. and physically abused... as a child...

The abuse... marked me.. as "damaged" beyond repair.. forever.. and NO.. I do not believe that all abused people are "damaged" forever..

I am.. because of... my personality... because of my genetics... because.. of who I am... NOT... because I am DID.... because I am.. who I am.. period..

I "accepted" this...

And... today I "accepted" another.... very, very difficult.. thing for me...

and hence the profound sadness...

a person... told me exactly.. what I was yesterday... something I have heard from childhood... something.. that every person in my life.. has wanted me to change... my ex-husband... my best friend.. my other friends... and finally... most hurtful of all my son... my now adult son..

I was told:
you are the sweetest, most gentle, non-jaded, non-worldly person..

too sweet... too gentle.. you should be jaded.. angry.. bitter... you should not forgive... you should... you should... you should..and it went on.. and on... and on... and on.. and on... for hours...


and... the person told me I was a "curse"... because no one would want me in their life because of my qualities-

it is too much of a responsibility for others around me....for me to be.. who I am...

my non-jadeness.. my trusting.. my giving brings out the absolute worse in people... so.. I am a "curse".... my responsibility... my terribleness...

and... it finally "hit home"... like.. a ton of bricks....

being told to toughen up by my son... to get mean by my best friend.. to develope... protection by my pdoc...

I could go on.. they all.. are saying the same thing..

the person yesterday... spelled it out.. in terms.. and words.. that I finally GOT... finally understood...

and.. they have all given up on me changing... my pdoc.. for 7 years... has tried.. he finally.. just said.. be careful.. keep to yourself..

So.. I am a "curse" to others... and when I say I... it is my entire DID system.... all of us...

and hence... the profound sadness... and hence... my not wanting to live..

It doesn't end... for ME... it doesn't end... the abuse.. ruined.. my life at the time... it runied my life forever..

I do not expect... anyone... to care... on this board about my feelings ... or really "get it"..

Because.. it took me 52 years... to finally "get it"... so.. how in a post.. could another person... understand... and even if someone does..

what can they say????

you can change

heard that... all my life .......

accept it....

I have...

want it... no of course not... who wants to be a "curse" to mankind??

there are no words of comfort.. nothing...

no therapist.. to fix.. no friend.. to comfort.. no family to love..

I think.. they call this " the end of the line"......

freewill....

[silentandscared]

So sorry that you feel this way

wish l could change it for youxxxx

(((((((freewill ))))))))))))
What happened your right is wrong
Never should happen to anyone
I know you are hurting
How ever it happened you are you
all of you will always be you

Please know there is always hope, faith, love, and peace
Never forget there is hope
muffy

[Justgiving]

Nobody has the right to tell you " You should or should not ".

You can make your own choices on whatever reasons or situations. You can do what your heart wants or not. It is you and you only who knows how you feel. Nobody else. The choice remains yours.

Love is in the eyes of the beholder.

[bchlyn]

((((freewill)))) i am not did... but i am trying to understand... i can identify with most of what you wrote... i can so clearly see other peoples hope... and healing... but for me it seems something that i will never achieve... i especially identify regarding your adult son... how painful it must have been to have him say those things to you... last week in t i told my t that i didn't want to hope anymore... that everytime i do... the rug gets pulled out from under me and i can't get up anymore... that i didn't want to even pretend to be try... i am telling you this to let you know your not alone... and i care about you... you have helped lift me up more times then you know... please try and replace those false messages... i know they feel so real right now... but the truth is... the world needs you... i need you...lyn

[pachyderm]

I was told by my first therapist the last time I saw him that "I have never been treated so badly by anyone in my entire life" -- so I think I understand a little bit of what it means to be told that you are a curse. For many, many years I thought I was one of the worst people in existence. With a statement like that from a trusted person, it is still hard to not believe it at times.

Those people who tell you things like that spread destruction everywhere around them.

[crazy1]

I am told I overwhelm people. That my honesty scares people away. That my life is ugly and people don't want to see it. In a sense I am ugly becuase of what I represent. I am told over and over do this do that. I just want to be but i guess they are trying to help in there own way. The only people who seem to accept me are T cause that is the nature of the relationship. When people see the real insecure broken damaged person that i am they run i can never seem to fit anywhere. Oh it is cause i don't have a God. Whatever i pray all the time. Funny yesterday at a meeting someone told me i have a curse. What the heck. I won't give up I have not come this far to quit now. You are not a curse you are a blessing. We are simple because we kept our inner soul protected for many years.

(((((((((((((((((((((Freewill)))))))))))))))))))))

please, to a certain extent i understand and feel the same as you ..... but noone has the right to give up on you .... and don't ever take one persons word for who or what you are .... you can survive this Lu .... YOU CAN ..... and you will .....

like Muffy says there is hope ... and where there is hope lies the comfort of one day knowing you can get better .....

i cling on to that hope .... know i love you, know i will never give up on you .... you are my friend and i will not see you giving up or relying on that one persons statement ......

We ARE survivors ..... we have been dealt a tough start, we lived in hell for a while, a long while .... but there is the other side .... sometimes we just hve to fight that little bit harder,look a little bit deeper....

very tight and sincere loving hugs to you, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[darkpurplesecrets]

(((((Dearest Freewill))))

My Dearest Friend----I am sorry I have not written you in a long while. I have been dealing with a lot of what you just wrote about. I do know the feelings. I do know the expectations. I do know that innocence that people put on you that really isn't there at all. I do know how you feel it is not worth it and you will never make it. I know the feeling of falling down down into that darkness where there is no one no matter how many people may seem to be here at the top. I now the feeling of reaching for people here at the top but it is like reaching through them and not to them.

It is scary. Scary as hell. And as you hold on so you can try to come out and awake the next morning and still be alive, and still be who you are. And you just wish that those around you would accept you for who you are and what you are and what happened to you. There is no way we can make these things up in our heads. It would be so much easier if we were lying because then there would be an answer that they could solve. I know that feeling. I have tried to make it go away to a lie or a story but it doesn't.

I understand dear, and I validate everything you said. The innocence we carry as we never learned we just performed. There never was a time of teaching just doing. I know what you are saying. I believe you. I question nothing you say. Hon, hold on to me. Walk with me. I won't let go. I won't let you fall any deeper. I won't tell you it is not going to be tough--but together we can do this--just hold on.

Love you--darkpurplesecrets

[MINIME]

I think that people who judge us have never walked our path. If I understand someone said you are to gentle and trusting and hince it brings out the worst in people? WOW that is really stupid. I think gentle nice trusting people are the healers of the world. If you being a good person brings out the worst of others then that says more about them then you.

[Malady156]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am told I overwhelm people. That my honesty scares people away. That my life is ugly and people don't want to see it. In a sense I am ugly becuase of what I represent. I am told over and over do this do that. I just want to be but i guess they are trying to help in there own way. ...... When people see the real insecure broken damaged person that i am they run i can never seem to fit anywhere.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yeah we get that allatimes too.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
crazy1 said:
You are not a curse you are a blessing.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( freewill )))))))))))))))))

[lashaine]

I can honestly say that I know where u are coming from. I've had my family tell me "let it go" and "That was the past" and the corker "You r a lier and we don't believe u". I have had my friends and family make me feel worthless. My ex-husband told me that I was "crazy" and I've been told that I should have never been born. It's hard some days to just let "it" go. I do know one thing God made us who we are. I mean He didn't cause any of the bad things that has happened to us. I mean He knew us when He was on the cross. So He knew how we would feel and what we were going to go through. He nevers gives us more than we can handle. I know it seems that even He has left us and not caring about us. But He is with us and He made us who we r because just maybe He has a better plan 4 us. Maybe we r the ones to help others that go through this and come to us in this great big plan called life. We have to remember that He is always with us and He loves us no matter what! Even when others brings us down He is there to hold us. Ihope this helps.

[multipixie9]

Betrayal by friend or loved on is so much harder to bear than betrayal by an enemy. When the little bit of family we have abandon us or reject us it just seems like a gut-shot that blows us apart.

Even family should not betray us and tell us "we are a curse". What the blank is that all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is wrong to say that. It is cruel to kick us when we are already so far down from the pain and the past.

You do not have to believe what your son said. He is imperfect and his judment is impaired in this matter. He should stand beside you and help you stand up and if he can't do that then he should at least stay silent and not add to your pain.

Family and friends have told me much of what you wrote - except that I'm NOT the sweetest, gentlest...... I was born that way and it was deliberately beaten out of me and programmed out of me.

To survive all the abuse of your childhood - you somewhere have strengths to help you survive this, too. You don't have to pack it in and call it a day. God is the one who helped me when the abusers even accused God of being with them in their abuse. God is good and loving and kind. He won't stop caring and healing.

I've been told I'm "very complex" DID, whoopie! All I can do is keep on moving forward and breathe in and out and not quit. I care about you and think you should not quit. Don't let your abusers win!

There are people here who DO "get it", those like me who went through it also. You are not the only one and you can get to a place of peace. Just please don't give up. I care,

leslieann and the pixies