[Steppalee]

I have started therapy today...for the second time after the first time failed...

and already so so so many thoughts are rearing up in my mind...disturbing ones, scary ones, ones that make me cry, get under my bed and hide...but one i just can't understand....

why why why? why do they do it?
why me?
why why why? what was it that i did...?
why were they after me?
was it attraction?
was it that i was ugly and they wanted to hurt me?
for sex?
for power?
for injury?
for love?
for satisfaction?
why why why?
I just don't understand....why...
what did i do so wrong...?
why did he do it?
why why why why....
just tell me why...

please just tell me why..?????

i want to understand...
i want to know...
i want to take accountability for my actions..for his..?
I need to know...why?

why why why?????

love step

[Sannah]

Hi Step, abusers are only concerned for their own needs and not the needs of the "victim". You were chosen because he had access to you. Abusers look for the easiest victim. You didn't do anything to deserve any of that. You deserved the very best. All children do. But some of us as children didn't get the best but we can still recover and grow and release ourselves from the pain and move on and have a different life. I am so happy that you are in therapy again....

[BlueFaith]

((( Step ))) I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I assure you that it was nothing you deserved.... and nothing you did wrong. No one deserves abuse. I hope you are able to work through things with your therapist.

[Steppalee]

my therapist said it might have been me and it might have been the way i acted of was or the way i looked etc....but even so he was wrong..no matter if i did ask for it...
but it made me think that my therapist might have thought i was some kind of slut as a child of provocative or sexual and that make me worried and i have been crying so hard coz i don't want to have anything to do with it..
i was none of those things i was seven. so how can she even say it might have been me....
even tho he shouldn't have done it,,even if i asked for it..
but why would she say a seven year old might ask for it,.
so confused and sick,,
i want to vomit
i've had three showers
i feel like filth
i feel worthless..
i feel shame.....so ashamed
so confused.,.,
is my therapist right,,,wrong...did i misunderstand..
could a man really excuse himself for his actions because a seven year old asked for it...
help

[iamtwilight]

i am... shocked at what your therapist said. a 7 year old girl.... might have asked for abuse?? that is bull crap my dearie, don't believe that one moment. tell her what you wrote here. tell her that you did not most definitely act or dress provocatively and it hurt you that she even said that, that it is not going to make any progress in your healing. write a note and give it to her if you feel like you don't want to say it or feel intimidated by her. (of course you can try writing it a bit more politely than i have here... ask if you have understood correctly)

ok - help me out here folks if i'm overreacting - but that just makes my blood boil. psh!

(even if a 7 yr old girl is acting / dressing provocatively - they aren't aware of what they are "asking" - so there is no way a man can be excused for such actions, unless he is mentally about 7 years old too - and this is only the judicial viewpoint)


twilight

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Steppalee

could a man really excuse himself for his actions because a seven year old asked for it...
help

No..not a man...only a monster Steppalee could create such illusions.

I can understand your need to know why,,it is a question that plagues victims eternally. Seldom do we get a real answer,,in most cases the monster doesn't know.

So...

If you can,,find a way to know that it had nothing to do with you,,,the real you,,the you before the monster. That you is still here. That you is not dirty,,not less than,,not invisable.

That you is wonderfull,,beautifull and deserving of all good things that this life has to give...

You fell in front of a monster and he took advantage of the weak and innocent. It was wrong and it was bad. What will make it worse is if that terrrible moment defines you forever.

It was not you,,,it was him and let the blackness of that moment define him..not you.

With deepest care,

Lenny

[Sannah]

I cannot believe that therapist said that either. That is harmful......

[Steppalee]

thankyou so much for your replies...
i went back and tried to talk about it but just cried...eventually after getting it out...she tried to explain that what she meant is that even if i was the most beautiful girl, wearing my underwear in the house or even showering or being overly loving towards someone who was my grandfather.....that none of it is my fault...but he may believe i was asking it for being those things....
it took along time for her to explain it...and i still believe that it is something not even worth bringing up becasue it will cause so much confusion as it did...i still don't even understand what she has explained is supposed to help me in anyway...because even if a child is pooorly dressed or even dirty from playing...will not stop a predator...for it is none of those beautiful things...that draws a man...it is the child and the child alone...beautiful plain black white australian amercian chinese...it doesnt matter to those peices of #(&(%%#.....
do i make sense...