share your 'coming out' stories with me, please :)

so i've finally started talking about my 'stuff' with my pdoc. it has been less than a month (i see him weekly now) but he is now on leave. of course, i have started with the 'small' stuff and am slowly working my way up. it just feels safer this way.

at the same time, i feel bad because each time he thinks 'that's the end of the story', but it isn't, and i don't like to make him sad .

anyway, i was hoping some people wouldn't mind sharing their stories about when they told about the abuse. what your worries were, if they were met, what responses you got and if you liked them or not. my pdoc is a safe person, and he always surprises me with how kind he is about it. i've heard from another friend, however, who told about some stuff that happened to her, to a few of her friends, that they all thought she "asked" for it, or somehow encouraged it. so she tells me not to tell people, especially guys.

what are your thoughts?

My worry for telling about my abuse was that no one could comprehend actually how bad it was...my worry was subsided for my T really 'got' me in the authentic way.

My T became physically sick, throwing up as I told him.
I guess he cares that deeply about me, or his lunch does or did.

But it helps to write it out too, and your friend did not ask for it.

Once I was listening to a radio call in show and the caller had been raped eight times. The host proceeded to tell the caller she did not know ways to protect herself. This made me mad. That host was a problem host and unfortuneately there are no minimal requirements for one to obtain their own radio show.

What your friend asked for was a listening ear, she did not ask for anything else.

Well I dont have a example but wanted to say way to go. Good job you made a great first step. I guess when I started to talk to my emdr T about the kidnapping it was scary and the first day i didnt talk really much I just cried and she sat by me. Its gotten a little easier. I used to be afraid after I left what they would think of me now and afraid they would pity me or something like that. Its gotten easier. Reactions are not what I expect....my T's one sometimes cries and the other one sits by me and says oh man I just want to hug you now..lol. I was so trained to believe that I was so bad and yucky and it was my fault and no one cared. Even here i am suprised at the reactions I have gotten Pm from people that are so supportive and I have made good friends here..of course there will be the ones who are mean and nasty and horriable about it but they come few and far between.
Way to go..I am proud of you.

I think I have been coming out for 4 years in therapy. You are doing great, tell what you are comfortable with. As far as the sadness goes, yes T's can feel sad, but they are able to handle those emotions. Your T if he isn't totally brand new, will have heard a lot of sad things, he can handle it. It sounds like your T is wonderful and safe and can help you. Give it time, you are just beginning.
As far as comments that you can get when telling others your story, some people are just uninformed idiots who don't know what they are talking about. So don't let those kind of people ruin your life. Trusting friends is like give and take. Everyone has issues, and eventually a friend will confide in you a little detail, and you can try the same. Go slow.

When I told my T about my past...

I half-expected her to react how my dad did when I told him I was raped, to tell me that I deserved it for running away when I was 16.

When I told her about my mom, I expected her to maybe downplay the situation or tell me that I was being a baby, to tough up and deal with it.

Instead, she surprised me by telling me that everything was not my fault and that my feelings are valid. She makes me feel like my words are safe with her and I won't regret opening up to her. I almost wish she was my mom.

I haven't told her about my eating problem. Too afraid to still.

I'm so used to burying my feelings and pretending that they don't exist. My husband is my life's anchor, if it weren't for him I wouldn't have made it this far. I wouldn't be able to talk about the past or about my feelings. And I definitely wouldn't have been strong enough to go to therapy. All of you guys remind me of him- supportive, strong, selfless, and caring towards others. You guys are amazing.

Just thought you should know that. I really appreciate everything you all have done here for me. It has helped me open up even more to myself, my husband, and my therapist. If you could buy happiness, I would buy some for each and every one of you.

thanks guys for sharing - please, keep them coming!!

junerain - lol at your T's lunch caring about you. but isn't it amazing that he (your T)gave you that response - such validation of his care for you, i think. what you said about the radio host... that's one of my concerns. i am scared that pdoc will think i encouraged this, because it happened with different people. that even though i didn't want it to happen, something about me makes people do that stuff to me. my T (who i recently terminated with) said something along those lines. i never talked to him about the abuse again. so i'm a bit worried that pdoc will do that. but he's never let me down before, and i respect him a lot. if he thinks that, then maybe there is some truth in it after all?

thank you so much for your post, minime. it feels so good to have someone be 'proud' of me, i want to give you a big hug for that. what you said about feeling yuk and it being your fault - OH YES, i relate to that. i was so scared when i told pdoc about some of the things i did (because i did some pretty atrocious things) that he wouldn't be able to look at me anymore from disgust. but he said i was little and that i didnt have a choice, so he doesn't blame me. how kind is that?

thank you exoticflower for reminding me to go slow with friends. since i've started, almost *everything* has been rushing back at me and threatening to come out. i havent told my friends anything much (well, i told something to one friend who'd previously disclosed to me) but that's been it. this ride of 'coming out' is so topsy turvy... feeling so many different feelings at once, but overriding them lately has been hope and a more positive outlook... that people can still like me even after this...

i guess i'm trying to verify if it is just pdoc who is being nice, or if there are other people out there like him too. i am worried i will never find someone else like him and that one day he will have to leave.

christine - your thoughts and words are so kind. i would buy you happiness too - and courage, so you could share about your eating problems. thank you for sharing that with us here, i hope you find some relief from it soon.

((deliquesce))

(((deliquesce))

I believe in my heart there are other folks just like your Pdoc. Here's to believing in the good of people, the good of humanity(((((humanity)))((((group hug))))

As far as friends, yes there are 'uninformed idiots' they are out there and we can choose whether to make them our _close friends or _not.

I wanted to tell you this, that if you feel your situation will somehow be looked at as _you were somehow the cause of it well i think I mat be able to help you..

There are certain factual phrases one can use.

The first time I was date raped it happened with someone I worked with. Pause. The second and third times it was at at parties. Pause. The fourth time, pause address T you DO know it is possible for me to get date raped four times, T, it is a possibility am I wrong T my judgement in which parties to attend may have been a bit faulty yet T does a bad party chooser truly _ASK to be date raped no I do not think so T.

You can even ask your T if there was a remote possibility she would have had similiar situations have happened to her. It IS a remote possibility you could have had similiar things happen to you T I mean there is such a remote possibility am I wrong T?

What I am illustrating here is _assertiveness in therapy. Factualness.

(((((It was not you or something about you either)))))))))

((HUG)) your doing awesome.

my t cried when i tell her some of the brutal stuff...which really threw me for a loop when it first happened....

my pdoc who doesn't really know many of the details kind of sat there with a look of total shock and sadness on his face when he heard just a little of it and then said he was so sorry for me in such a kind voice...made me feel like he must be such a loving father

i don't know if you have felt this yet but over time maybe...i felt such stength telling my story...no one believed me when i was little all those times when i told back then...but now as an adult... they do...and its real and it makes a world of difference...KIND OF MAKES YOU WANT TO TYPE IN BIG LETTERS...YA KNOW. AND THE MORE YOU TELL AND THE MORE ITS BELIEVED THE STRONGER YOU GET...ITS VERY EMPOWERING....AND HEALING.

(((((TO BECOMING ADULTS)))) (((AND BEING BELIEVED))))

thank you all so much for coming back to reply and share your stories. and also for your support and encouragement, guys.

one thing is that i am curious about how other people's experiences went, but also - i'm learning that there are good people out there who care, and this truly amazes me and makes me glad.

thank you, junerain. my T said he did not think that many people were bad, so that i must be encouraging them to treat me bad unconsciously. he said that it wasnt my fault i did this - i probably never learnt how to get ppl to treat me well - but all the same i was a bit upset by what he said. i don't go to him now anyway, i terminated after last session when he broke confidentiality.

yes, this is how i feel about my pdoc. i love picturing him as a dad (he has 2 children). i went through a really bad phase in 2007 when i was having intrusive memories all the time, and he was just so kind and gentle. didnt ask me for details, just gave me a chair to sit and made me comfortable. i dont remember much of what he said, because i was disociating so badly, but i do remember that he was just kind and safe. i had major kid-like love to him back them.

i'm so sorry no one believed you as a kid, stumpy . i was always too scared to tell anyone - knew it would tear my family apart. i'm so glad you're getting that validation as an adult. i do relate to what you are saying though - about it being healing. after i told pdoc the first time, i went home, and i just felt so... exhilerated. here was someone who knew and still thought i was a good person. i am still at the beginning of this process, so i am still trying to find my way through the waters, but i'm glad to know that it does get more empowering. thank you for sharing that.

i joined a support group for people that have been abused. the experience was awesome. they guided me through the process of getting rid of my ex...in court, emotionally, and through their friendships.
my pdoc was incredible too. the first thing he said to me, "..but you are one of god's children. no one should ever feel they have the right to hit (or otherwise) another person."
what i received from both sources was validation that abuse was never ok. our society doesn't know what to do with us...go figure...many people don't want to look at the reality of those of us that have been abused yet they may be being abused at the same time. i felt so much relief from that validation. i was such a broken spirit from those experiences. i had no trust in mankind. i felt i was a bad person and that resulted in my abuse.
my pdoc was so incredibly gentle and kind with me. he told me to vomit up the pain...meaning talk about it until i was spent. i talked and talked. i cried and i cried. then he slowly allowed me to heal myself with therapy. i have made it a purpose in my life to always look out for what may be an abused person and offer them help and hope. they move on but i don't regret it because that is what i've been able to do too. i have a good life now. i know the signs of abusive personalities through my therapy...the "red flags" as i call them. i avoid those people in my life at all cost. i am free.

madisgram... you mentioned 'red flags'... could you explain? my pdoc said he wants to protect me from bad people, because he thinks sometimes i might be drawn to them. but i dont know what i'm meant to look out for.

I was young probably 10-11 when I first told my mom about the abuse, I sitting on the fllor board of the car. I asked her "Mom, can I tell you something?" She said yes, so I told her what had happened. She slammed the brakes on jerked me up and started to scream and shake me. Needless to say it scared the hell out of me! She went home screamed at her boyfriend, then he talked to her and she got over just as quick as the blink of an eye. I did not tell anyone else for a year or two then I started telling everyone. Friends, Family, Parents of friends and no one did anything about it. I guess in small towns people don't like to make waves. My the time I went in to threapy as an adult I had figure out that, People are not as shocked as they should be by this. In my opinion abuse any type any age should be a shock it should not be the norm, but unfortunally way to many people are familiar with it. No one should abuse, no one should live in fear, and no one should have to suffer they way we have had to!!!!

As far as the red flags of an abusive relationship I did find this link for you

http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relat...20090102163308

oh (((carrol))). i am so, so sorry you reached out for help and that no one stood up to protect you. that must have felt like the biggest betrayal of all . has therapy provided you a place of validation? or is it kind of the same - that it's not really shocking? my T, who i don't go to anymore, he used to tell me that what happened was just "terrible, terrible" but it never felt like he actually meant it. sounded like he was so used to hearing those stories that it didn't mean anything to him. my pdoc on the other hand, he cares. he has heard a lot of stories, and he tells me some of them, but he cares all the same.

junerain - thank you for that link! i will check it out now.

((((deliquesce))) First of all, congrats for talking to your T about abuse. I've only recently began to speak about what happened to me, and only to one person that I am close to, and my T. We haven't really talked more about it, we're waiting until a time that's right for me. In the meantime, we're working on my other issues, many of which I still have hidden away from everyone. I'm to afraid to tell her or anyone else. I'm afraid that people will judge me and hurt me. I'm glad that you could begin to share your story. I can relate, because once we let out just a little bit, we feel a little bit better, and soon it will be easier to let it all out. Good luck.
Ella

my main issue that i keep hidden from everyone until now at 4 appt with T was that until was twenty-seven i had no boyfriend none. then at age 32 i had tons and tons of boyfriends. i looked the same though! curious, curious. it is as if i am getting younger as if time is going backwards

xivella - congrats on starting to open up to your T, too . my pdoc wanted to wait until the new year, so that we wouldn't have a break in between, but i was starting to deal with flashbacks and it kind of got forced upon us, really. i think you are in a safe space with your T - you should be able to tell her anything without fear that she will judge or hurt you. but having said that, i relate. there are a lot of things i never told my T when i was working with him. keep going, ella, i'll support you.

june - i'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend. i did go out with a girl for a few years, but that was very complicated and involved me not keeping up my boundaries. i am scared i will always be alone. i've been seeing pdoc for 4 *years* now and still haven't told him. congrats to you for being brave enough to tell your T.

he explained to me that some people are like beacons to an abuser...we tend to be too trusting of all people. it's ok to trust people it's just that we are so "open" to too many people.
red flags-i can give you examples: a person that seems to be controlling of others. a person that tells us what they did to get back at a person or we witness it ourselves. they seem to be proud of their response (vindictiveness). a very self-centered person, narcisistic. a person that is quick to get angry at an infraction they see is pointed to them-like getting angry in a traffic situation. at first these characteristics are not aimed necessarily at us. that comes later.
let me give you a very plain example. i had a very good male friend. when i moved into a new home i had the palms of my hands on the wall in the living room. he slapped my hand and said, don't put your hands on the wall cause you'll make a mark on it. because i knew that i was of worth by then i promptly told him i paid for the wall and i could put my hands all over it if i wanted to and to never touch me like that again!
later he wanted to date me. i said NO. i did not give him an explanation. there was no point because an abuser can always justify their actions. they are never wrong in their eyes.
this is a generalized version of what i learned. i hope this info helps give you some input but a T can help you much better than my examples.

Thanks a lot for this. I opened it up this morning after having had a very long, unhappy night, and it made me feel much better. As far as opening up to my T, there are so many things that I am afraid to tell her, things that really affect whether or not I can get better, but I'm really trying. I'm telling her little bits and pieces of new things every time we meet. And it's nice to know that someone can relate to me. Hopefully you can start coming along with small steps too. Thanks again.

I went out with someone when I was 26 for about 6 weeks. That was it until my first relationship at 29. I went out with her for about 2 years. It was so hard not having girlfriends or dates when you're that age. You feel like people can look at you and just see it: No relationships--what's wrong with him?

thank you for coming back to post, madisgram. that example was very helpful. i think i would have been confused about your flatmate's violent reaction to the wall thing, but would have ignored it. and when he asked me out i probably would have been so overjoyed that *anyone* asked me out that i would have accepted immediately. *goes off to hide in a box*

xivella - yes, it's little bits and pieces from me, too! i'm glad my pdoc is so patient and willing to wait. i know i would make his job a lot easier if i just blurted everything out one day. but part of our therapy is learning to trust, and so each session is an opportunity for me to try that. so i guess it works out in the end.

imapatient - i'm so scared i'll end up alone . tell me that things got better/easier on the dating front after 29?

It continues to be a slow process. I mention tiny parts only, and work on that for an entire session. Often, I will just describe the scene, smells , colours etc..........and I was always leave the most difficult part til last.
T is sympatetic and patient...........for that i will be eternally grateful.xx