share your 'coming out' stories with me, please :)

have you told anyone else, kindergirl?

one thing that strikes me is that... we're so alone with this. sure, our Ts are there... but i wish there were 'real life' people as well.

just reading over some posts in the psychotherapy forum... and something triggered this recollection...

when i finally opened up and told pdoc, he said he was grateful that i had told him, because he was scared that what had happened was much, much worse.

i know he didnt mean it like that, but, i feel like i have disappointed him somehow. that... i'm just a wuss and that my depression/ptsd isn't warranted because what i went through wasn't "enough".

i have memories... but i think they might be wrong. i haven't told pdoc about these, because i dont want to lie.

anyway. just having a mope. i'm in a mopey mood these days .

You're not a wuss, your feelings and your pain are valid. If what you went through wasn't "enough," then you wouldn't be in pain. Your pdoc cares about you. I know he didn't mean it like that. Maybe you should tell him how you feel about what he said? Sometimes having people explain what they mean can relieve a lot of worry.

I realize this is an older post ,, and I admit >> I read your original post deli ,, and skimmed a few replies ,,,

Kinda seems how things surface ,, or how our pasts effect others heart strings or abilities to comprehend >> what another * human * [ uses word lightly in this case ] being ,, can actually inflict on another without any regard for their own actions against those that were infants , kids , almost teens , and in alot of cases >> actually grown and repeating ,, or being a reflection of what we witnessed also ,,, alot .

Thing is [ IMO ] ,,,,,^^^^^^^^ sorry for the ramble .

Our own " comes out " ,,, when we are discussing it , as we have come to except ,,,[ what a word ,, does no justice to this kind of definition ] .,,,,
anyway ,, >> we do in time [ at least I ] do say things in a matter of fact way >> removed from emotion . ,,, Kinda becomes a norm feeling that others wish / want for us to forget ? except ? >> Yea ,, it is a nice thought >> but Then I would need a ,, O ,, let's just say remove a part of my identity .

And then Drop me off like a shirt at the cleaners .

WoW ,, Now this is a " mega " Rambling ,, and I am trying to say what I feel ,,, >> Just do what feels right to YOU .

hi deliquesce,
I am lucky to have such a great t. She is incredibly patient, even when she has probably wanted to shake me and tell me to just look at the evidence in front of me and stop denying it all! I was already seeing her about other stuff when some repressed memories started coming up. These memories were vivid, but had a blank in the middle so because I couldn't remember what happened in that 'crucial' time-period i have always denied that anything DID happen, despite all the evidence to the contrary and flashbacks which I put down to my vivid imagination! We have spent a lot of time working on different aspects of my recollections and flashbacks, and there have been long periods where we have steered clear of the topic altogether. It is only in the past month really that I have finally accepted that it DID happen, but she has been away for Christmas break, and I am not ready to bring it all back up again anyway. I have never told any of my friends; my p-nurse knows, my GP is aware that there are issues of some kind but not what exactly, and when I was first trying to make sense of my recollections I broached the subject with my mother (over the phone, 1000km away ) but because of her last response- "if I can't remember it then it probably didn't happen"- I have never spoken with her about it again. I am a very closed and private person at the best of times, so being able to come to PC and thrash this all out in this forum has been wonderful for me, esp as i was a member well before anything came up...

I am 15 years old and my brother is 19 years old. He was the last person that i ever believed would hurt me but i was wrong. when i was 8 he started molesting me and it never stopped. when i was 13 a teacher found out and there was an investigation. my mom didnt believe me and turned everyone against me. soon after, the investigation was closed and nothing happened. and he kept molesting me. a year later i had this teacher that i became real close with. she became like a mother to me and i became like another daughter to her. with her and her family i finally felt safe and happy. shes the first person i trusted since the abuse started and i felt like i could talk to her about anything. so one day i told her what happened to me. after i told her i was in tears and she just huged me and wiped away my tears and said everything was gunna be ok. there was another investigation and she was with me every step of the way. i ended up testifying for the grand jury but nothing happened after that but the investigation closing. my mom later made me and her cut all contact but atleast i had some relief for a liitle bit of time when i was with her. he then continued molesting me and someone found out but i refused to say anything because i knew nothing would happen. it hasnt happened in a while and im happy but i know its only a matter of time. i now have a phsychiatrist and an in home counselor but no matter how much i want to say something nothing comes out. the only way i could ever tell what happened to me was through wrighting but with my teacher i actually talked to her about what happened. this all has left me ashamed, afraid mad and confused. i hate him for what he did to me but at the same time i blame myself for not trying harder or stopping him. i dont know what to do anymore! i cant take waking up everyday and having to see him enjoying life. i awake everynight with nightmares of him, i cant focus now, i often have thoughts of hurting myself or someone else and my skin is constantly crawling all because of him. what am i supposed to do now? my life is over but i can never seem to end it. i hate asking for help because that makes me weak and i cant even kill myself because im a coward.

over this past summer i met a guy who lives about 20 minutes from me on the internet. (bad mistake i know). one day we were talking online and i told him i had to go to the bank. i got to the bank and he was there, he got into my car and told me to drive. we drove over 45 minutes across town and he made me do some sexual acts and over the next month he met me at work and eventually started raping me at knife point. for a while he was out of my life and then out of now where last month he came back and raped me again.
the woman i consider my 2nd mother told my friend that i was exagerating when she found out and that i probably told them i was raped because i was ashamed i had let things go too far.
i dont go to a therapist. i have my friends. my family has no idea.
i guess this is my coming out.

i know how you feel. you are so young and im sorry that this is happening to you! i could not imagine going through what you are. i am in a similar situation but losing the trust of a family member has to be hard. i am here for you if you want to ever talk. i know this is hard. trust me i do.
erin

no need to feel sorry for me. youve been through a lot too and im sorry for that. the woman that you considered your 2nd mom was wrong for saying that because you didnt ask for it, you did nothing wrong. but my mom doesnt believe me either and it hurts.i do have a therapist but i cant talk to her about what he did to me or about the way im feeling. part of it is because im scared but part of it is because of my mom. i got no one. my mom doesnt believe me and i dont know what my family thinks or believes and i dont get to see my dad. i just dont know what to do anymore.the pain is just to much for me to handle. the sleepless nights, the the anger, hatred and disgust towards myself and everyone else. maybe you could pm me and we could talk.

What I'm finding difficult in this "coming out" or in my mind "coming clean" process is my difficulty with being kind/understanding to myself. As I've reflected...I keep thinking of all the defensive, stupid things I've done over the years because of fear and skewed thinking. I keep thinking HOW STUPID of you for letting it affect your whole life.

Mentioned in the thread of responses were comments about telling friends. I had a good (present day) friend over my house a few weeks ago. We were having a good private conversation that ventured into our childhoods. I happen to mention something about the dynamic between my mother and I and how much of a little b*&ch I was as a kid. My friend got quiet and said to me..."You sounded like very angry child then. Are you ever going to tell me what really happened to you?" I just took another sip of my beer and we let the conversation shift to lighter topics.

After thinking I've got a handle on dealing with the regret and shame an exchange like the one described above happens in the present and I realize..."I am STILL being stupid about it and letting my feelings keep me from engaging in life even now."

I haven't really come out at all.

Hi Chaotic. The above things really stuck out for me in your post. I can relate to feeling that way a lot over the years.

But... is it really 'stupid'?? I am not sure what your 'it' is, but if we remember that we are literally created out of our experiences in that our brains develop and form based on the experiences we have, then I am not so sure that reactions based upon or related to our past events can be labelled as 'stupid'. Those reactions - whether we like it or not - are a part of us. The experiences we had as children, particularly as very young children, were what formed our neural pathways. So, in many ways, our brains are wired to respond the way they do. I am not so sure that we have too much control over how our brains respond to triggering or sensitive stimuli until we work with the material in therapy and actively seek to understand and deactivate it.

I guess we are all pretty good and stuffing and avoiding and pretending that 'it' no longer affects us, but it never seems to be quite true, does it? Just when we think we've got it all under control something comes along that triggers it all up again.

Our personal 'its' are part of our development, our histories, and our every day lives. We can't escape them. They are ingrained into our neural pathways as much as knowing how to walk, or read, or button up our shirts. We can pretend 'it' never happened or that 'it' doesn't matter, but it did, and it does, and it will continue to affect us when we least suspect it until we actively work to change it.

From that perspective, although I know you feel stupid about not being able to control your reactions, I hope you can know that you are not.

I finally came out my senior year in high school. I came out to my softball coach, assistant principal, and my friends. Everyone was shocked when I told them about my dad and the physical abuses. I learned then I don't need my dad to be happy, I have other "father" figures in my life.

This year, my freshmen year in college, I told my therapist and I also told my RA and RD. I am still trying to talk about my stories but I am getting better. I feel a lot better too that people are aware about what is going on.

thank you for sharing, giggles . and welcome to PC.

it's awesome you have other father figures in your life. i'm starting to realise this also. it's been big for me.

Hi Ash,

there is not a good sad eye emoticon here. But you capture your sadness in thoes dalmations eyes.

I want you to promise me something . I want you to make a copy of this thread and delete anything that links whats written that might link wats written to this site so this will be a safe place for you to still come and share .

and then I want you to give it to your theraapist and I want you to tell your therapist "who saw it happen to you again."

I want you to fight this again Ash,

I know you have been shot down twice and I don't know why this has happened . But you must do this . I know you feel like why try , But you must try again, You must be heard . I;m hearing you now . You are still in danger of being retraumatized .

Your mother is the one who has hurt you again.
maybe your afarid of being taken from your home.

when I read your title I thought. I don't wanna go there . But after reading your story I can't just sit here and say nothing .

I was being abused around the same age as when it happened to you. my memories are from between age three and four after we moved into our first house . Only I had very little memory of my abuse. I don't remember if I said anything to any one . Its a big blank .

My first comming out was to my first therapist . I was in my mid 20's I didn't know what I was doing .

this is a bit graphic.

One day I came in and asked my Male therapist .

"When men go to the bathroom are they extended ?."

he asked me . "why are you asking me this"

I said . " because I saw my father in the bathroom one time"

Thats all that was said . Silence. no further discussion. it went back into the silence from which it came .

About two or so years later when I was having some difficulty with thnking men were exposing them selves to me and Men had for real . on several ocations. from age 16 up untill my mid twenties ,

He brought that up durring some questioning and I had my flash back.

But once again I sorta talked about it but really didn't .

Because my abuse is so forgotten and just snap shots . I have a difficult time beliveing it really happened .

I've been alone with it and still am . never gotten any validation except for a weird phone call where my parents were both on the line and my mother asked me if I was bothered when My father played with himself.

My response was ..NO . this was shortly after the memory .

See I was very good at hidding the truth. and still am.

Thanks for the thread .

I'm glad you have the sport of soccer for an outlet . But lets Sock the perpetrators not HER as in YOU. .



Patricia

(((ash))) you can pm me anytime. i will listen to you with utmost confidence. im 19 and female.

please take care -jenete