[del12]

I hadn't talked or heard from my father (my abuser)since Christmas and was feeling relieved. He called last week and left a message. I haven't called him back and I am constantly going back and forth in my mind should I call him or shouldn't I. I talked to my T and said that I didn't think I was going to call him. My T said that I don't have to amke a decision right away. That right now all these thoughts and feelings about the abuse are just starting to surface and that it is important I surround myself with caring and supportive people. When I left my therapy I felt good about waiting and not making a decision right now whether I am going to stay away or keep in touch. Even if it is just a phone call. SInce it is his verbal abuse that continues, sometimes even a call or thinking about talking to him can trigger those anxious feelings and self doubt. There is a part of me that says You Have To Make a Decision and that it is wrong for me to ignore him. It scares me that he will be angry with me. Then I think who cares if I call or not. He certaintly doesn't becasue if he really cared he wouldn't treat me like he does. How can I deal with this without beating myself up over it? How do you decide what is best. I guess what is most important is what is best for me. Boy I have a hard time thinking that way. How do you start thinking about taking care of yourself instead of worrying about what others will think. Why is it so much easier to get these thoughts out here than in a session? Thanks for being here.

[Luce]

Del, I can relate to this more than you could know. I am terrified of my father's anger... of his retribution for not doing what I 'should' (in his eyes). There are so many consequences of making the wrong choice. But I don't want to keep bowing to him. I want to respect myself, my own needs, my own feelings.

What *I* want is for him to leave me alone. After all htese years I don't thnk he's gonna do that, so I have to find a way for me to be strong enough to not feel like I have to do what he wants.

But to do that, I have to go against what *he* wants, and that induces so much terror in all my alters that know him better than I do that I can't bring myself to do it.

I think this is something similar to what you are describing, yes?

In my case, doing what is right for myself is a goal I am working *towards*, and not something I expect to be able to do immediately. There are a few other, ahhh, 'issues' around this dilemma that need exploring first.

Guess what I am trying to say is, I agree with your T. This isn't a decision you need to make right away. Some days you may feel strong enough to not call him, and other days it might make more sense to call, if you are unable to contain the fear in a different way. The ultimate goal *is* to be true to yourself and your own wants, needs and self-respect. But you don't have to achieve that today.

[Hunny]

DEL12:

This quote from your very own post makes so much sense to me:

"I guess what is most important is what is best for me"

Just know that, people here at PC, including me, are 'for what is best' for you, too. You get to have that say! Your life is valuable!

When I read your post, I am reminded about how much has to be overcome. You are doing so well. It's your life!

Thanks for sharing.

Bye
Ice

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by del12

sometimes even a call or thinking about talking to him can trigger those anxious feelings and self doubt.

There is a part of me that says You Have To Make a Decision and that it is wrong for me to ignore him.

It scares me that he will be angry with me.

How do you start thinking about taking care of yourself instead of worrying about what others will think.

Why is it so much easier to get these thoughts out here than in a session?

Hi Del! I think that the whole process of you thinking through this decision is the most important part of all of it. You seem to be a very clear and organized thinker. Your post is filled with all of the issues. This will help you immensely! All of those issues up there ^ need to be thought through and after you do this it will be a major accomplishment!

The main point seems to be your needs vs. his. What keeps you from attending to your needs? Habit, because your upbringing was his needs take precedence and you don't have needs? This is a very common theme here. I had to go through it too.

One of the factors in this theme is his anger. His anger keeps you focused on his needs at the cost of your needs. Getting over the fear of his anger is an issue that you can work on.

Not contacting him at this point will meet your needs in the short term by not triggering you.

I think that writing is easier than talking because there are no distractions to getting your thoughts out. Early in the journey we are very distracted by others for many reasons, one being our needs vs. theres, etc. As you heal it gets easier in person.

[rappacinisgarden]

I hadn't talked or heard from my father (my abuser)since Christmas and was feeling relieved. He called last week and left a message. I haven't called him back and I am constantly going back and forth in my mind should I call him or shouldn't I. I talked to my T and said that I didn't think I was going to call him. My T said that I don't have to amke a decision right away. That right now all these thoughts and feelings about the abuse are just starting to surface and that it is important I surround myself with caring and supportive people. When I left my therapy I felt good about waiting and not making a decision right now whether I am going to stay away or keep in touch. Even if it is just a phone call. SInce it is his verbal abuse that continues, sometimes even a call or thinking about talking to him can trigger those anxious feelings and self doubt. There is a part of me that says You Have To Make a Decision and that it is wrong for me to ignore him. It scares me that he will be angry with me. Then I think who cares if I call or not. He certaintly doesn't becasue if he really cared he wouldn't treat me like he does. How can I deal with this without beating myself up over it? How do you decide what is best. I guess what is most important is what is best for me. Boy I have a hard time thinking that way. How do you start thinking about taking care of yourself instead of worrying about what others will think. Why is it so much easier to get these thoughts out here than in a session? Thanks for being here.

Yeah, i think I know how you feel... I had the same problem with my father about two weeks ago. I feel that he has the ability to make me feel guilty fro small things that when he wants to get his way he just shoves it at my face; I also get the feeling that he tries to control or seem to know waht is best for me... Well the other day I got fed up, and got up and left. i left him right there where he was. Two days later I received an email saying he was sorry... Needless to say, in my family there has been problems before. My mom got divorced from my dad(really it was a relief) some time ago. Through the yrs i have learned to focus my father from the outside, I have seen he produces the same feelings in other people... this has hlped me some. I mean I can't change my father, but I can change my conception of what he tells me or how he tells me things.

These two last weeks I haven't seen him. It even passed my head that maybe I was not being nice. But it's not true, I do worry it's just that I don't want to put up with the way he makes me feel sometimes. I will call him, but I'll do it when I feel on a safe ground that suits me. Nobody has to make you feel guilty, or put down, not even your father. This is what I thought. I'll call when I feel at peace and I will always focus from an outer point of view and try not to be absorbed by him. I receive msgs, just mobile msgs, and I have felt that anxiety u talked about. It's ok for it to be there, it's not your fault. Just try to be more objective maybe to not internalise too much what he sais. I know how badly it affects u receiving negative msgs from one of your parents since I have gone through(and going) the same thing.it takes patience, and experience and exercise to know how to deal with these issues. See u, Rappaccini

[chaotic13]

When faced with decisions like this I try to find a quiet place to breathe and see if I really have a feelings on which direction I want to go. You could just sit on it for now and wait to see if he continues to contact you. See how interested he really is in having a health relationship with you. If he is motivated maybe you can then say... "Hey, you really hurt me. I'm only interested in interacting with you if you make some significant changes in the way that you treat me." If he starts his verbal abuse, hang up... he's not ready.

[del12]

Well he called again and this time I picked up the phone. He acted like nothing was wrong. Tried to get me to join him for dinner. I said no had plans. The conversation was not real comfortable and there was much of one. I didn't try to carry on the conversation and made him keep it going. OF course he was feeling sorry for himself becasue he says no one calls him (Gee I wonder why). I know I was distant on the phone, but I couldn't relax and I didn't want to get sucked into his crazyness. I guess it was okay but I do realize I have a lot of anger towards him and there is a part of me that wants him to suffer the hurt and rejection I have felt for so many years. Then the guilt starts in. Still working to get that out of my head! Thanks for all your support.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you did a good job. Sounds like you were keeping your distance. This is a good choice.