[Berries]

I had a therapist say that when she worked on the trauma unit, people would question if they were really abused or not.

And the therapists were told to tell them that "if you perceived it as abuse, then it was."

What the heck does that mean??????

I find that very invalidating, personally.

Are you trying to tell me that if I 'perceived' abuse when my friend patted me on the back, that she did in fact abuse me?????
That is a ridiculous example, I know, but I am trying to make a point.

Oh I definitely perceived abuse. No doubt in my mind that I was damaged in this relationship. I wan’t to KNOW if I was just being sensitive, if I was making it into more than what it really was. Cuz if I was, then there is a whole other issue going on that I need to fix. I need to know which problem to fix, before I can fix it.

[pegasus]

It's a sad fact that many people with mental health problems have either been through trauma or abuse.

So if someone with a mental health problem says they think they were abused then it is likely. Many people who are being abused or have been cannot actually see it and will deny it. So if someone says they are being abused or think they are or have been, it is to be believed.

[del12]

I too question whether or not I am too sensitive or whether or not my father verbally and emotionally abused me. My T says I am too hard on myself and that the things my father said and did were very damaging. I think there is a part of me that didn't want to accept the fact that I came from an abusive, alcoholic family enviornment. To this day my father doesn't get the fact that his words and they way he treats his kids can be cruel and hurtful. Just today I answered his phone call and he was complaining that my sister started crying because he yelled at her for not returning his call in his time frame. She is 50 years old! He had every excuse in the book blaming her. I am just starting to come to terms with the fact that he was abusive. Sometimes when I share in therapy I can see my T's reaction to some of things he said and did. He never sexually or physically beat me, but I to this day still fear him. He alsways said I was too sensitive and I needed to lighten up, boy did I beat myself up over that and blamed me. I think that emotional and verbal abuse is so difficlut to come to terms with because there are no physical scars, just the deep scars that we live with day in day out.

[chaotic13]

My T's approach is not to tell me I was abused. In fact sometimes the way she words things I get the impression that maybe she thinks I wasn't. But when I think about what she says it is more that she is not wanting to convey that I was a helpless victim or focus on the horrible. She seems to focus how strong I was, or how the child me responded to protect herself and that the experience has shaped who I am in positive ways.

I think my T wants me to realize and accept that what happened to me was abuse. I tend to down play what happen, say it was no big deal, say I had a choice and could have run, stuff like that. My T challenges these statements without telling me...hey that is abuse.

Sorry you feel invalidated

I would have to agree with your T.
Because if you perceive it as abuse, no matter what people think then it's still abuse to you and still really hurts

As a personnal thought if I felt that a pat on the back was abuse then yes it is abuse, and I can let that person know that it didnt feel good to me and not to do it again, if you FEEL abused about the relationship you was in then I think yes you was abused. Its a personnal thought your personnal thoughts on it, you felt abused, simple.

There are two types of abuse (my thoughts again) one is what society sees as criminal abuse the other is personnal abuse, a criminal abuse is easy to define look at a law book and you can see what it is. Personnal abuse is slightly more difficult there are boundaries to abuse and lines that are crossed that are very difficult to define, what one person would see as normal behaviour another would see as an abusive situation, what one needs to do is look at how much of an impact those feelings of being abused have upon your life.

If you cant go out each day and function doing the things that you want to do because of feelings of being continualy abused by others obviously those feelings have gone a little too bit far. You have got to look at that point and decide where your line is and decide yourself whether your tolerance of personnal abuse is in the right place.

When you have found that place and made your decision you need to either alter what is around you or work on your perception of abuse.

Originally Posted by Lbien6

I had a therapist say that when she worked on the trauma unit, people would question if they were really abused or not.

And the therapists were told to tell them that "if you perceived it as abuse, then it was."

What the heck does that mean??????

I find that very invalidating, personally.

Are you trying to tell me that if I 'perceived' abuse when my friend patted me on the back, that she did in fact abuse me?????
That is a ridiculous example, I know, but I am trying to make a point.

Oh I definitely perceived abuse. No doubt in my mind that I was damaged in this relationship. I wan’t to KNOW if I was just being sensitive, if I was making it into more than what it really was. Cuz if I was, then there is a whole other issue going on that I need to fix. I need to know which problem to fix, before I can fix it.

[Sannah]

Hi Lbien, our parents were responsible for our upbringing. They were responsible for us to have a good upbringing. To do that they needed to look after our needs and over their own (children's needs do not mean every want, though).

Now, people other than our parents, that is a little grayer. Some people are abusive but others might not understand what we need. This putting a hand on your shoulder is innocent. No one can read your mind. One thing that I have learned on my journey that as an adult you have to speak up for your needs. Our personal needs are our responsibility. It isn't anyone else's responsibility to look out for our needs. Understanding this helped me a lot because it empowered me. With our parents when we were children, this is different because we didn't have power. As adults when you realize that you have power it is liberating.

[Berries]

ooooops.

just in case.....

i don't think being patted on the back is abuse.
and that is not what happened to me.

sorry if i was obtuse or anyone thought that.

i was trying to think of an example.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Lbien6

No doubt in my mind that I was damaged in this relationship.

there is your answer "L'. ..."no doubt in my mind..." so many of us that have been abused start to question if we caused the abuse. that's called a POW syndrone. must've deserved it to be treated this way. so we start absorbing the abusers wrongdoing when in fact we don't' 'own" it at all.
it's so foreign to our minds that i feel, imho, that we feel we must make sense of something done to us that really isn't based on good sense/fact.
no, i believe you were abused in that relationship. the only part you need to fix is to heal from the abuse you experienced.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Lbien6

And the therapists were told to tell them that "if you perceived it as abuse, then it was."

What the heck does that mean??????

I find that very invalidating, personally.

Are you trying to tell me that if I 'perceived' abuse when my friend patted me on the back, that she did in fact abuse me?????
That is a ridiculous example, I know, but I am trying to make a point.

I sort of agree with you on this. In a way I think it is a validation game in that many people don't feel they have a right to their pain unless they were wronged - ie: 'abused'. But, I personally think that many hurts can occur without the source of that pain necessarily fitting a dictionary definition of 'abuse'. That doesn't make the hurt any less real or painful. Our emotions are what they are and I believe we have a right to them no matter what their source.

I definitely don't believe people should subscribe to the belief that 'if it feels like abuse, it was abuse.' I do believe that if something caused us pain we have a right to feel and heal it, though.