[lavendersage]

(and this is NOT a SUI post).

What do you do if you wish you were dead (but aren't planning on making that happen)? But you wish (with every fibre of your being) that you were, ya know.....not here. Gone.

You have a job, bills to pay, one friend you can see on a semi-consistent basis, couple of other friends you hardly ever see for various reasons (geography, their life situations, etc.) no life partner and you feel like shyte about yourself so no interest in trying to find one, and you really, really, REALLY see absolutely no point in your existence and want an END to the struggle, strife and pain in your life. And meds don't do diddly. And you're not getting any younger.

What do you do? - And I'm asking this in all seriousness. Thanks.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief...de-friend.html

Do me a favor and read this thread, and read it again slowly...

[basicgoodness]

I struggle with the very same question. I can only say it is the slight hope that things will get better that keeps me going. (Plus I do have two children who would be devastated were I to cease to exist). Things have not always been this bad and it could be that things will not always be this bad. What is the need that is going unfulfilled? Is there any action I can take to meet that need? Even if it fails, taking some action in that direction could have salutary antidepressant effects. The key is to no longer feel helpless and trapped.

I did what you do and I wish for some kind of...unconsciousness.

I told my husband.

Sometimes I don't wish for it now.

[Basspro85]

I feel the same way. But I think mostly just thoughts about if I was gone and how people will feel and what they would say.

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk

[IrisBloom]

I feel that way from time to time. But really, I don't want to not be here, I want my life and health to be better. Sometimes it seems like those are the only alternatives when in reality they are not. Please don't dwell on those thoughts too long. It doesn't take much to start thinking NOT being can be a reality, and we certainly don't want that!

[Fuzzybear]

[EnglishDave]

You carry on through the painful drudgery, taking all the meds to try to numb reality. Holding on to a sliver of hope that a spark of light may brighten a day. Waiting for an end to come and bring relief.

Dave.

Truly? I would sell up, pool all my money and emigrate. I'd look for a semi religious community (as in people who have taken vows and work on the land or in a hospital or teaching or with the homeless) and live and work there, trying to do something useful til I died naturally. But I have a dependent and can't. When that changes, my plans are different. If you can't find a reason or person to live for, then find something and somewhere to give. For you it could be working with animals or rescuing orphan children or whatever. But find your thing. You sound like a good person, and I always enjoy reading your posts. I'm sorry you feel so sad.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

http://forums.psychcentral.com/grief...de-friend.html

Do me a favor and read this thread, and read it again slowly...

I read it and then re-read it as you said. I still feel the way I do. What that person did, I couldn't - too violent for me. I am sorry for her children. I don't have them.

[Fizzyo]

I hear so much pain Lavendersage.

I share those wishes, even though I am so very blessed in many ways.

It's not fair, people who want to live get terminal illnesses and people who want to escape the pain have to keep going.

Sorry I can't help with suggestions, all I can do is take each day sometimes 15 minutes at a time.

Every fibre in me is wishing you some relief, some respite.

(((((((Lavendersage))))))))

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

I hear so much pain Lavendersage.

I share those wishes, even though I am so very blessed in many ways.

It's not fair, people who want to live get terminal illnesses and people who want to escape the pain have to keep going.

Sorry I can't help with suggestions, all I can do is take each day sometimes 15 minutes at a time.

Every fibre in me is wishing you some relief, some respite.

(((((((Lavendersage))))))))

there is so much pain. thanks, fizzyo

[Patagonia]

I totally understand these feelings. I feel like I've been born with a death wish. It's constantly in my brain, even when things are good. I've thought about it since I was 15yo & it's never left my side.
But 80% of my life has been a struggle & I really don't see any improvement coming, but do see things getting more difficult.
My life is miserable & all I see is misery. I curse the morning & put my head down to get thru it.
Such a painful existence is a living torture. I pray for the end. Soon.
I don't expect others to understand it. So I don't talk about it. Will my existence of particle matter of life make a difference to humans in general? No. Matter fills space & then is returned to its natural form.
Sorry.
I feel your pain.

[Jan1212]

I pay my bills, save money for my jchikd, take child to program, play dates wow it's all about my kid. Yeah it's not an option for this mom. But yes I want a break from reality, work, family drama, illnesses, bills , classes and chores. Maybe for just half a day I want to go into third person mode of view


please DO NOT quote ANY SELECTION of my post. thank you. have a good day.

[doyoutrustme]

you keep putting one foot in front of the other, see your therapist, and see what actions you can take to slowly make life worth living.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( lavendersage )))))))))
I'm with you in that I'm beyond tired of this unremitting pain.
(I've tried therapy.. Many years of it, it made me "worse" )
I too wish I was no longer on this planet

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

I read it and then re-read it as you said. I still feel the way I do. What that person did, I couldn't - too violent for me. I am sorry for her children. I don't have them.

I think you bring up a good question... It's one my T and I have discussed, which is essentially, how long does a person have to live in pain, what is the answer?? If a person has been suffering with major depression for x amount of years and in that time there were only brief periods of reprieve, say 3 months total in 5 years and have tried almost everything, is it okay then??

To anyone reading this, I'm not advocating anything, simply I have contemplated this as well..

I know depression lies to us, in your case it sounds like you can't find your own value in the world... Depression tells us we don't have any... We do, we all have value and sometimes we have to dig really deep to find it... I'm a mother and a wife,.my value was tied up into that for so long that I essentially disappeared into myself.. Ive had to essentially find myself, as corny as that sounds because it wasn't enough for me to live just because I have a husband and kids... I know that sounds callous and selfish, it is..but depression doesn't make logical arguments...

When was the last time I was happy that had nothing to do with my roles as a mom or wife? It had been a long time.. That isn't to say I'm skipping down the yellow brick road as progress is slow and sometimes moves at a snails pace.

life is a beautiful lie

[Foreign_Soul]

I feel this every day. I have a son and a partner and it never matters how many times I tell them, or others, how I'm feeling everyone just seems to brush it off with the age old "it'll get better". Except it hasn't gotten better, not in almost 20yrs and I'm only 29
I guess I just keep hanging on to hope for my son and because despite the lies depression tells me, I don't really want to be gone; I just want to be rid of these god awful feelings. And I know what helps me feel better. I just can't do any of it without help which I don't have and can't get. That in itself creates a vicious cycle which adds to my already horrid depression.

[seesaw]

I honestly don't know what you do....because I feel the same way so much of the time. I am searching for meaning...desperately. I just need a little sliver of meaning, but it's so hard to find.

Seesaw

[Fizzyo]

It's so hard, I know! (((((((((seesaw)))))))) You have done so well to get that job. Kudos for that, but I'm so sorry it's such a struggle.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I totally understand these feelings. I feel like I've been born with a death wish. It's constantly in my brain, even when things are good. I've thought about it since I was 15yo & it's never left my side.
But 80% of my life has been a struggle & I really don't see any improvement coming, but do see things getting more difficult.
My life is miserable & all I see is misery. I curse the morning & put my head down to get thru it.
Such a painful existence is a living torture. I pray for the end. Soon.
I don't expect others to understand it. So I don't talk about it. Will my existence of particle matter of life make a difference to humans in general? No. Matter fills space & then is returned to its natural form.
Sorry.
I feel your pain.

Thanks. I feel yours. Much of what you wrote spoke to me.

[Patagonia]

I have lead a textbook life of things a human is supposed to do to feel useful, worthy & fulfilled.
Yet it's all left me feeling hollow & empty. I don't think life is for everyone. Maybe others see people like me & then think, "wow she's really miserable....thank god I'm not...I'm lucky...I should count my blessings...etc". Maybe that is my role in life.
Make other people appreciate what they have Bec they could end up like me.

[Inkie]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

(and this is NOT a SUI post).

What do you do if you wish you were dead (but aren't planning on making that happen)? But you wish (with every fibre of your being) that you were, ya know.....not here. Gone.

You have a job, bills to pay, one friend you can see on a semi-consistent basis, couple of other friends you hardly ever see for various reasons (geography, their life situations, etc.) no life partner and you feel like shyte about yourself so no interest in trying to find one, and you really, really, REALLY see absolutely no point in your existence and want an END to the struggle, strife and pain in your life. And meds don't do diddly. And you're not getting any younger.

What do you do? - And I'm asking this in all seriousness. Thanks.

I feel your pain....I think about it every day of my life. I am a 64 year old woman who has suffered about 54 years of my life. I have to say I have a complete plan on doing it....but really do not want to. Have taken most of the medications, been in therapy..nothing takes the pain away. I have 2 cats (no friends or family) .I do not want to leave them....that is saving me for now. I have had a miserable life and death can only bring me peace. Came here..hoping that I can share and listen to people...which I can not do in my life You are not alone...always remember that...remember the people in your life....and feel lucky to have them and talk to them....talk to them...

[Fizzyo]

(((((((((Inkie)))))))))

[basicgoodness]

Inkie, I'm glad you have your cats. And I'm sorry you have had to suffer so much. I'm sorry we all suffer.