7 year relationship with man who is soo negative

Hi,

I am new here and up late thinking too much as usual. I've been with my bf for 7 years now. We are both in our 40s. We have 4 kids between us. (3 are grown/1 his, 3 mine) The biggest problem we have is that he is always so darn negative. I have been through way too much in my life and finally got to the point where I am usually cheerful, positive and keep hope that things will work out. He on the other hand belittles everything, constantly. He is easily frustrated and gets upset at the tiniest of things. He is not like other men in the affection way either. He always has a reason why he doesn't feel up to it and I can honestly say I have "never" gotten a real kiss from him all this time. Only quick pecks on the mouth.

I had surgery last month on my arm and am still recovering...he was 'very' good in helping out any way he could...but I remember just 4 days after my surgery he was already asking me to rub his back. It always turns to what HE wants. I never seem to get much unless I do something for him first. He always tries to tell me what to do and nags me repeatedly about how or when to do things. (Um, hello..am I a child?) He makes me so upset. I feel lonely for what I don't have in the way of affection and other things. I am stubborn and don't back down when he throws a fit...I calmly talk to him but let him know 'exactly' how I feel. He keeps doing the same things....every year.

Three years ago I broke it off and had him and his grown son move out after months of his sons and his anger problems and constant conflict in the home. My oldest son got his own place so I only had 2 at home. My bf kept in touch and visited me (Always did his laundry at my house). I was proud of myself for the changes I made in myself while we were apart. I was in control of things for once. Things were calm. After a month, we started dating again. Started living together again in a home I had been living in without him for awhile. That was March of last year. He wanted his son to move in with us but I flat out said it could not happen after all the conflict his son caused in the past. No respect at all. (At times his son and him would almost get into fist fights and his son yelled, screamed like a spoiled brat daily and complained constantly as well as butting into our personal affairs) My bf constantly holds over my head the fact that my daughter is living in our home and not his son. (She is pregnant) I am excited about being a grandmother soon while he just grumbles about it all the time. I am the sole supporter (he filed for disability) due to him having a lot of health problems. I've done this for about 7 months now. Is he happy and appreciative? No. He has to keep bringing up what we don't have...even though I'm always supportive of his needs emotionally & physically. He does actually help clean house sometimes. I wonder though, if when we are older, on our own, the kids all have their own families....will I be able to stand this man. It will be too late then to make any real changes with my own life, I imagine. Many times I feel like just ending it....for good. I guess I keep hoping he will change. I do love him.

I see what I have written and could just kick myself for being so dumb.

Any feedback?

LightWalker

I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts here lol I don't necessarily have advice, just letting you know that my bf is the same way. Constantly has a comment about everything. Everything is bad or negative. He will ***** about the announcers on the tv and I just yell "then put the damn thing on mute!" so I don't have to listen to him complain. Its really starting to wear on me too.

We have talked about going to couples counseling. From talking to people on here I have heard that it most likely stems from a deep insecurity and lacking emotional empathy. Whether this is a learned behavior that can be changed or a malfunction that cannot, we really can't know. You just have to decide if its worth fighting for after 7 years.

Right now we are at 1 year so I'm still in the fighting for it mode. If it continues for another year or two though, we might have some thinking to do. Right now he is changing, but you can never really tell if its permanent or not. Hope you guys can figure something out.

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry that you too have to deal with this crap. I know how hard it is.

I ask myself all the time is it really worth it? I realize that sometimes love just isn't enough. You are right about the self esteem issues. He has very low self esteem and I know that is why he is the way he is. He acts like a little brat at times with his silly fits. I cannot change him..he has to change himself. I try to help but I am no miracle worker here! lol

I know no one can tell me what to do or how to do it. I will figure this out. Just need to vent at times.

Sometimes I swear I may just become a lesbian....relationships with men can royally suck sometimes.

Take Care,

LightWalker

Hi LightWalker,

What has kept you in the relationship so far? What is the positive side of your boyfriend?

We've heard lots of negatives about him! But.... there is a reward in there somewhere. What is the reward for you? Perhaps you should take both positives and negatives of the relationship in mind. Seeing those written down could help you determine what is really important to you. Then you could figure out how to acheive your goal/s.

A big challenge within relationships is for people to be open and willing to make some changes periodically. Through those changes, the relationships become deeper. Without necessary changes, people go different ways. The result is growing apart and resentment. Sad.

I hope that you get things figured out soon. Best wishes to you!

I hear you and I have been married to the same man for twenty four years this April, and with in the last five or six years he has become so negative that it literally drives me crazy "to the point of near insanity" - but life goes on and I am hoping that he will lighten up after the boys (ages 25 & 20) are actually standing on their own two feet with a job and place of their own.

I will not give on this relationship, even though I feel like it at times, as I really do love my husband and I know my life would not be the same with out him in it to share all my hopes and dreams with.

You are hoping he will change? Doubtful......hope kept me in a 31 year abusive marriage, and then I got it......and got a divorce. We cannot change anyone, only ourselves......

Wish I could help but the only thing I can offer is a hug. When you want a real long slow sensual kiss or any kind of reciprication, you will know what to do. Until then, vent away. Keep posting. We are here for you.

I know I responded before but I think I'm starting to REALLY see those things in my own bf now. I'm just now noticing it though. Tell me if this sounds like him:

I wrote "I heart you" on his car in the snow and I got told that I was making "microscratches" with my fingers in the pain.

We went to a basketball game today and, even though we were up by 13, he was still saying "well we probably wont hold onto it" or getting upset when we were only up by 9!

Just things like that. I'm starting to get pretty sick of it too. Let me know if you find something that works cause I think we could both use a solution here.

Lightwalker, I had similar thoughts as shezbut. Why are you in this relationship? Are there any positive points? If not, why are you there? Is it fear that keeps you with him? If so, fear of what? What does it mean when you say, "I do love him"?

I was in a longterm marriage with a man who shared some similarities with yours--like the part about him being unaffectionate, not wanting to kiss or be intimate. There was really something different about him from other men I knew, who were much more interested in sex, touching, kissing, etc. When we did have sex, it felt kind of prostitute-like since it was so unaffectionate and no kissing, etc. Like salukigirl said, I think part of it is that he is incapable of emotional empathy. That is combined with having a very low sex drive. And the lack of positivity. I think it is some kind of personality problem--a really engrained way of being that will always be that way. I don't think he knows how to think of others besides himself. How can that be learned at his age, especially if he has no interest in thinking of others besides himself? I'm speaking of my own XH, but maybe you will see some similarities.

We have split up within the last couple of years and it is so much better being on my own. He and I actually get along better now that we are not together. The pressure is off to be close, affectionate, etc., and that relieves the hurt. It is not so bad to interact in a business-like manner to organize our kids' activities and so on.

As for the negativity, could it be that your partner is depressed? I think such constant negativity can be a sign of unhappiness and depression. My XH started taking an anti-depressant several years ago and tells me his mood has improved and he is not so angry. Great--maybe that will help his in his next relationship. I wish her well!

One thing my XH told me once, as the marriage was coming apart, was that he could never let his guard down with me. I appreciate his sharing that, as it helps explain some of his withholding and cold behavior. But I do wonder sometimes why he was so scared of me and couldn't let his guard down? I am not a scary person. I am nice. I don't tear people down or make fun of them. It seems like he didn't let his guard down so we could never be close. Why would someone want to be married and not be close? He cut off his nose to spite his face--that's how it seems to me. I sure am glad I am no longer with him. If I ever have another longterm relationship, I want it to be with someone who is more "normal", for lack of a better word.

Lightwalker, it might be helpful to talk with a family therapist about your relationship, and clarify for yourself why you are still with your partner. Sometimes talking to a neutral person can help us see things more clearly. The therapist might also have ideas on how to improve the relationship, if you decide to stay.

Is there a possibility that the only reason he is back with you again is so you can support him? Sorry to be so blunt, but that occurred to me as I read your post.

I doubt it is going to be any easier to stand him when your kids have their own families. Why would it be different unless you and he work on the relationship and make changes? It sounds like all or most of your kids are grown now? Any kids left who aren't yet adults? It sounded like maybe you are already very close to all the kids being grown, if not there. They will be grown before they all have their own families--why wait until then to make changes, if change is what you want? I agree that it becomes more difficult to make changes in one's life as you get older. If you are 40 now, you can still make a lot of changes. 50 is harder. 60 is even harder. Change is not impossible at any age, but there are different challenges along the way. I am going back to school to learn a new profession. This is part of the change I want in my life since I got divorced. It probably would have been easier to do this 10 years ago, but such is life.

The good thing for you is that you are not married to this man, so it will be easier to leave the relationship if you decide that is what you want. If you want to stay together, would you consider going to a couples counselor? Maybe that could help.

I don't want to attach labels to your relationship, but you might find this book to contain some useful information, whether or not all of it applies:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans

Good luck.

[QUOTE=LightWalker;1274680]

Sometimes I swear I may just become a lesbian....relationships with men can royally suck sometimes.

[/QU ....This statement you made is a joke? Yes?

C'mon over darling, take a walk on the wild side... !!

Why do you stay if he cause you so much pain? From what you said it seems that you are happier without him.

I do not know 'bout you, but I NEUER would have treated my woman like this. Like the heart on the car, screw the paint I would have taken a picture of it and had it as my wallpaper on my phone. Than I would have made her hot cocoa and run her a bubble bath. Verbal abuse is for monsters who do not deserve sweet gestures. Cuddling and talking and listening to your woman is so much better than cutting them off as their self esteem slowly erodes. Being there when your woman is sad or cries. If my woman cries, I taste salt. I give my 2 ears to her. To listen, to let I know she is heard. When she is sick I go into double time to pick up the slack until she is well again. It is my job as her partner not only be by her side but to do my part to see that she stays there willingly by mine. What about you notz? What's your take on this?