I think my husband is a control freak and a Jerk

So we fight about money a lot. And I have a savings account that just had my name on it and have had it for a while he knows about it and when we sold the RZR we put that money in it. But before Christmas I took $200 out to buy a few gifts (some for him) and to pay the babysitter but I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to know what gifts I got. And I totally forgot about it. So today he said would you get me the money out of your savings account so I can buy that dirtbike. He sold his and it costs about 2000 more. So I said sure. I be out the money home and there was 200 less than he thought there would be so he freaked out. So then I added up the money that he had. And there was almost $400 that he has that I knew nothing about. So I said where did you get the $400. He said that's may money from working overtime. I took it out of the bank when I got paid sometime. And I said " your money" he said yes! I work overtime and that should be my money. But my job is part time (32 hours per week) and I NEVER get to work any overtime. I feel like he is such a control freak and nothing I ever do is good enough.And yesterday he told me that I was lazy. All I do every single day is get the kids up take them to the babysitter drive an hour to work then drive an hour home to get the kids at about 5 get them home feed them bath them get stuff ready for them the next day eat do their laundry or whatever else they need and then get them to bed and then I go to bed at about 9:30. Sean does do our laundry and unload the dishwasher when he gets home which is an hour before me. He wants me to do everything his way by a certain time. It's so frustrating. I don't know what to do. I need advise!!! Thanks in advance

I'm so sorry about this.

My take? If you have an income, there should be a household account as well as your own accounts.
The amount you contribute to the household account should be based on a percentage of income, including overtime. It should be enough to cover living expenses as well as an emergency fund.

Personal items (like dirt bikes!) should be paid for with your own money, not someone else's.

I feel the same way about dividing up work at home. You both need to do work the same percentage of time that you each spend at home...if that makes sense.

Let's be honest here, unloading the dishwasher takes ten minutes. Laundry means put a load in, transfer to the dryer, fold and put away. You don't have to stand there and watch the wash go around.

If he is a control freak, perhaps the logic of percentages will appeal to him?

I personally feel that as a woman it is my job to care for my fiance and when we have kids the kids too. I work about 8 hours more than my fiance every week but I don't feel he should have to do any chores unless he chooses to. I don't see this as your husband being a control freak I see this as him saying he wants more traditional gender roles in the house which I feel every man has a right to demand that. Women can work but I feel as a women we have a duty to our SO and kids to be the care taker first our work outside the home is secondary. Sorry if that is harsh just my belief.

That is not possible for the majority of people in this day and age and I dont think even my grandmother has this mindset.

- a man has a "right to demand" what? really? wow , just wow

I do agree as mentioned with there being a household acct and then each person have there own personal accounts for what they want or need or desire.. Kinda hell to have to ask your spouse for X money because you want to surprise them with a gift.

Nobody has any "right" to demand anything of me.


Or anyone for that matter. So lets just get that myth out the way.


Ask nicely? sure, discuss a possible compromise? Sure.


Demand?


Hell no! Middle finger to you hubby, fiance or bf, and a swift kick out the door on your butt with my combat boots.


To the OP, your hubby does sound like a jerk, old fashioned gender roles or no.


My mom never worked a day after marrying my dad, they agreed to that because he worked away from home. Sure they had a "traditional" marriage, (they're 1940's babies) but my father never demanded jackshit from her.


He even helped with the cooking, cleaning and voluntarily looked after all 4 older kids while she had her girls night out to let her hair down and have a break.


Sounds like your husband needs a lesson in manners and respect for his wife or a swift kick in the behind.

I agree with what Christina & Trippin said 100%! Wow, your husband is a control freak! He sounds almost as bad as my dad! My dad NEVER helps my poor mom with a damn thing! And he freaks out if she even spends a small amount of money sometimes! Especially when he's not working or has taxes to pay, but he takes it to the extreme!

For example, he won't let her do anymore of the grocery shopping since he is that controlling. He claims that she buys fattening food, and he's been obsessed with preventing diabetes although he eats to much at times, like by drinking half a gallon of low fat milk everyday, ugh!

You are NOT his maid or his mom! You need to speak up and stand up to him! You work too! Take your money out of the joint account, and put aside some for your OWN private account to where he has ZERO access to it! Use another bank if you have to! And don't forget to check the mail yourself!

Or have stuff mailed to you at work! I don't condone this, but it sounds like you need to stop telling him exactly how much you have at all times. If he asks, lie about it and say that your hours have been cut, or anything that he'll believe. Don't let him see your paycheck. Tax time might be tricky. Ask an account how to go about this.

Don't tell him about money. He's sure not telling you about the extra $ that he makes! Screw him! Put away money for yourself and your kids somewhere safe to where he can't touch it, or know anything about it should anything ever happen. You should NOT need his permission to spend what money YOU earn!

Good luck with everything!

Oh, and tell that jerk that you work as well as take care of the kids, and most of the housework. And that this isn't the 50's anymore. Tell him to hire a maid if he thinks that you're so "lazy".

Don't cook for him or do his laundry when he's that mean. If he's going to be mean, show him that you can be mean too. Tell him that you'll refuse to cook for him or do his laundry until he shows you some respect. Or you could just do one thing at a time.

The next time that he tries to ask you for sex, tell him that you're to tired to do anything after working all day then having to do X, Y, and Z, but if he only helped you out ab bit, then you'd have the energy for it, ha ha!

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

I have a right to my feelings on this subject and I have found in my personal life that a home ran with gender specific roles is a happier and better ran home. It is possible in this day an age. I said a woman can work but should be the one to take care of her kids and hubby also. I don't see how it isn't possible. It's just some people don't feel like it should be done. That is part of the problem with today's society.

In my opinion women working is not what is wrong with the world. A man and woman,or whatever type of partnership you have should be supportive. Finances, division of housework(or not), starting a family,etc. are things that should be discussed and agreed upon together. Expectations can be voiced but both parties may have to compromise. These things need to be revisited when your lives change. Loss of finances, addition of children, health setbacks, death of a loved one may call for a new agreement.

I am blessed. We both work full time. My husband does most of the work around here, I handle all of the finances. We are supportive of each other. We have a 19 year old daughter and he was hands on from the get go. She has learned how a man should treat a woman and vice versa. To me a marriage should be an equal partnership.

It's a two way street in this day age. A marriage is a compromise between two people so they continue to love and respect each other without murdering one of the participants in frustration. For the first ten years of my relationship, I brought in the six figures. He was in construction; so when he was laid off, I still paid the mortgage. Fast forward and now he is the bread winner. But...he helps around the house, or more accurately the yard. Since I'm home I enjoy cleaning. But he never says I have to; nor did I ever say that to him when he was out of work, but he still kept the house spotless. Yes, men and women are different; they have different skills, and ways of dealing with things. But I'll be damned if I will go back to an era when you washed your clothes by hand, had eleven living and four dead brats, and ignored black eyes because he was worried about the car, and he is the man.

This is a gentle reminder to please keep your comments to the OP and to not attack another member for their own personal beliefs. In doing so you are taking the thread off topic and making it unsupportive which is against our Community Guidelines.

Thank you!

Tell him it bothered you
People are different in this stance
Some couples do not have joint accounts, some women are the breadwinners and make more etc.
It's up to you and him to compromise

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