Ashamed of my past.

Hi ladies,
This is an incredibly personal post, but I wondered if anyone has gone through a similar struggle and can help. I went through a phase where I made a lot of unwise, impulsive decisions with casual sex, which I used to cope with my insecurity and feelings of inadequacy/loneliness. I did a lot of things that - being the person I am now - I wish i hadn’t, and make me cringe. i didn’t do them because I enjoyed it, but because I had hoped they would bring me relief from depression.

But now, I try to move on in new relationships and my sexual past continues to haunt me. If I am dating someone seriously and they find out about things I did, they tend not to trust me, or treat me differently afterwards. I know no woman should feel ashamed for her sexual decisions, or feel judged for them, but I do, and I can’t stand myself sometimes.

I am guilty of making bad sexual decisions too and for the same reasons. I had to learn to forgive myself and only then could I find any peace. I don't talk about my past because it is over and done with. I would advise you to do the same. Not everyone needs to know your history. Hang in there. It took me a long time to overcome the guilt, but I finally did. You can too.

I am sorry you feel this way...

I can't say my struggle is that specific, but I simply cannot forgive myself for anything in my past that I deem to be "wrong" (which is a bunch of stuff it seems...)..

I am SO judgmental of myself. I am so full of self-loathing. I have no idea how not to be . When it comes to others, I am forgiving. I understand. I have compassion. But I am not allowed that for myself.

So I can relate.

I felt ashamed about promiscuous things I did. I was really confused about why I did it. You seem to have thought about why you did. I later realized there were reasons like low self esteem and having been abused.

I had planned on never talking about it, but eventually I told my husband years down the road because feelings plagued me. I'm sorry I even let it get to me that much. Shoulda just let it go.

It sounds like it is 'out of your system'. Acting with self respect is what is important now.

Thank you everyone for responding - it makes me feel better, since these are thoughts I haven't even shared with my closest friends.

TishaBuv: I'm just curious about how your husband responded when you told him. The reason I ask is because when I told someone that I was dating (quite seriously) about my past, he did not take it very well and did not see me in the same way afterwards, when it came to trust as well as sex. The difference - while he continued to be kind and is a kind man - was very perceptible.

This is partly why it haunts me, and I can't forgive myself for it. The person I was before he knew was happier, freer, lighter. Me afterwards, I felt so broken.

If any of this is too personal to share, feel free to skip my question.

I had a promiscuous period before I met my h while I was still in high school.

For me, it was complicated because . So, I thought I just had bad judgment and was dumb and easy, but I'm not really sure still.

His reaction was no reaction. But that's him. He never shows his emotions. He seemed to be non judgmental. But we developed a lot of intimacy, sexual problems. Maybe my telling him started that problem.

I was more experienced than him.

I'm 50 now. You go through so many stages in life. I was also so free, fun, and easy. I was really only embarrassed later about the promiscuity because I thought the guys that fooled around with me judged me like I was a slut.

I remember I ran into one of the guys while he was out with another girl, later, way after we had had sex. He said hello to me in the creepiest way, like I was The Scarlet Letter or something.

But that was only a very short phase of my life.

After that, there were relationships with boyfriends. Then I got married. We had children.

There were times I would think back to those fun, easy days and feel like I'd give anything to feel that alive again!

You can become whatever you want to, grow, change. There's no reason to beat yourself up.

Also, many years later came Facebook. All those guys resurfaced! Not one ever said anything tacky to me about anything. Certainly no reason to carry baggage about it. They, too, probably look back and remember it as the time of their lives!

Thank you, TishaBuv for your reply. I sometimes wish I could time travel into my future just to know it'll be ok, and to know that some of the things that disturb me today will be more manageable...

For now, I cringe at the word 'sexy' and other triggers, i avoid lingerie stores unless I really need to go in for a special occasion, and try to dress as modestly as possible. Which is sad for me, because I think sex with the right person is so beautiful. A friend once told me that sometimes people give off 'vibes' about their sexual nature and though I know this is not true, I'm unusually paranoid about giving off a vibe that reveals me as promiscuous

I used to do a lot of things that I would be ashamed of. Sometimes I can see the memory coming back and I just flinch.

I did a lot of therapy to learn to be compassionate with myself. I might feel shame for a little bit, but I remind myself that there were reasons that I did what did, and that they don't apply now.

Don't over compensate. Figure out who you are and be yourself. You don't need to suppress your sexuality. Just control what you choose to do with your body.

In my early 20's, I started dressing nice. Attractive, good quality clothes. I never suppressed myself as a woman and never shied away from sex. You'll be missing out on a lot of what life offers if you do.

We all grow and change emotionally. You are a different person now and have nothing to be ashamed of.

We're humans, not robots. what you did was what many other would do if they were in your place. just be proud that you're stopping it!

you are what you are now! the past you is dead!

sorry if it doesn't help I have a habit of making people feel worse without intending too :c

When I was single I had a more than sufficient # of sexual partners. Some 1 nighters, fwbs, casual relationships, and a few I was more serious about scattered through. But all that changed when I met my now husband. I need general I was always in the mindset that single did whatever I wanted, in a relationship no wiggle room 100 % loyal and monogamous. As women we get called sluts and where's for sleeping around, but guys get applauded for the same behaviour even in this day and age that unfair unbalanced societal judgemental us still far more relevant than it should be. I have some strange personalities so I was a girly girl dressed up to the 9s to go out clubbing, but another part was a hardcore punk rock chick who was one of the guys and also desired by the guys cut a good looking girl who can drink ya under and doesn't hesitate to throw down with the rest of the guys when a brawl erupted, another part was girl next door chill relaxed jeans and tee-shirt football fanatic, and then there,was the hopeless romantic who feel for every "sweet guy"..but had sexual trauma issues..clingy but someone else had to step in for the physical aspect. The goth Catholic shool girl a tease who could be equal parts superficial and mysteriously deep. The shy nerdy girl who pined away over the band boys...and the only one I know of who still exists in same form attitude etc...The queen bee of the early-mid 90s alternateen. Bisexual multiple click floater lots of friends and frienemys. Low self esteem easily peer pressured into sexual situations...
Sorry to go off point about some of my various peeps but here's the point. I was very open and secure with my sexuality when I met my future husband. I think created friction and jealousy issues most that have been gotten over... by Oversharing our sexual pasts and proud of our conquests. Guys who are getting serious about you don't want to hear that much generally.. *oops!*..but you do not have to be a 1000% honest with a guy about your sexual histiry. You get to a point where the # if partners is duscussed. You don't have to give,an exact #...I wouldn't lie entirely either just whatever is not wildly off base that you feel comfortable with. And if they try to get you into the name game..simply say I am not comfortable going into too much detail about my past relationships...and bottom line if and when you end up serious,with someone...it's really none of their business what you did or who you were with before them. Sure naturally you will probably both speak a bit about your more meaningful relationships...but the rest is your past your call. Also please get std tested at least once a year! Because that is something that you most definitely should be on top of for you own health and it will become nessecary if you are serious about someone to be truthful about any thing you may pass on to them.. but until serious just like hopefully you do anyways you just don't do any sexual stuff without protection.. otherwise judging of you have been less than careful..I wasn't always great about it..latex allergy didn't help either..but I always was fanatical about getting tested and thank Yezus I lucked out with nothing but a benign case of HPV ...and not that I have reason or severe trust issues but I've been with my husband faithful since the day we met for over a decade and I still get tested yearly. Hope my blunt tmi honesty is helpful to you
P.s. We all have regrets but please don't allow societies double standards or anyone else to make you feel bad about yourself. You are who you are and you should be proud! Even if just quietly to yourself!...cut you got to kiss a TIN of frogs before you can even gauge what a prince is in your book ~S♡☆

hi i agree with everyonelse, the PAST is gone, we can't fix it. we can only learn from it, i think alot of women lack self-love and are always hard on themselves, i know i can be and i am still learning to love myself....

your past experiences, mistakes is what helps you grow as a person... NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

take care

Hello, I do not believe that anyone has a rainbows and unicorn past in life. Do not be ashamed of your past after all it does not define you as a human being. Past is just that a learning experience whether good or bad it helps us grow up and be the women we are supposed to be. In order to move on in your relationships you have to get okay with your past and let it be so it does not carry on into a new relationship. If they cannot deal with your past then they are not the one for you. love conquers all when it is real and is unconditional as well. You are awesome and you need to love you first before anyone else can.

I'm kind of curious why your current partner needs to know all about your past?

I say that we all have a past, and there is no reason why a current partner needs to know about all the past kink we engaged in. If anything, I think this could be extremely harmful to a relationship. I mean I don't want visions of my current partner doing all sorts of sexual things with another woman stuck in my head!