[salukigirl]

so ive noticed that my body image has been causing problems in my relationship. everytime i look in the mirror i think to myself "god im hideous" and very rarely do i think that i look anything different. i get hit on and complimented but for some reason i still think im ugly. and now its causing problems because im so insecure and always require reassurance. does anyone have any ideas of how to build up your own image of yourself? i feel like im at a loss. ive never liked how i look but now its interferring with my life. but i dont know how to change it. i feel like, if i dont think im attractive... how am i supposed to just magically think im attractive? does anyone else have this horrible of an image of themselves?

[Mouse_]

I wonder if we're trying to make ourselfs into something that we just arent? I dont mean that we're not attractive, but what is "attractive"? we are who we just the way we are, and to someone we may be "attractive" whilst to someone else we are not...what we need to do is look in the mirror at the person we REALLY are and say, "Hello there, I like you..."..it takes yrs to get this point and I'm not sure off your age, but with age I've found I have come to "know" myself and do not rely on what I or others "see"...

[bananasarecool]

yup. im cheesey enough to watch miss natural beauty. the women all had to have pictures taken of their worst bits to boost their self confidence.
that made me think... i actually hate every little piece of me. every inch.. and although everyone says the medias to blame for poor self image, i blame my ballet teacher, as stupid as it sounds.
i started hating myself when i was about eight years old.. i was "pudgy." my ballet teacher (who was enviously skinny and pretty )told me i was too fat to dance properly. so i just kept on going to my lessons (which were private) and didnt tell anyone for fear id hear the same thing from them. for a few weeks afterwards i ate little to nothing and danced my heart out. it made no difference so i gave up ballet altogether.
looking back i wish id told somebody. maybe parents could be to blame too?

[salukigirl]

honestly i couldnt tell you whos to blame. i hate the fact that im brunette because every time a guy has left me its been for a blonde girl. so even though my boyfriend likes brunettes and not blondes, i still dont like that about myself. i have been diagnosed with keratosis pilaris which is like inflamed hair follicles on my legs so my legs have these little red bumps on them. my dermatologist said it should clear up in my early 20s but it hasnt. i also hate that my legs are so fat even though no one says their fat and actually compliment me on my legs. the only part of my entire body that im okay with is my stomach, and not even all the time.

so its like... i hate all this stuff about me. and he even tells me "i have dated some pretty good looking women and you are by far the most attractive." and he always tells me "you look cute today" and for some reason i just cant let it sink in that he does in fact think im attractive and then appply that to me thinking im attractive.

i did gymnastics, dance, basketball, volleyball, color guard.... nobody ever called me fat or ugly or anything like that. ive never had problems getting dates or anything. so it seems to me like these feelings just come from thin air

i have been cheated on before. and the guy that cheated on me actually called me to say i had mail at his house and when i got there she was in the living room in his shirt and his boxers. and he did it on purpose, i didnt have any mail there. he just wanted to rub it in my face that he could get this girl. because he had told me before "if we werent together i would be with her." so when i broke up with him it was like "hey, just so y'know we have been seeing each other and i did get her so you can go ahead and feel bad about yourself now."

and when I was 14, my first boyfriend ever broke up with me because i wouldnt have sex with him. so apparently ive dated some jerks. but i dont see either of those as a reason to hate my body so much?

although, my mom has always dieted and done the weight watchers, jenny craig thing. she gained a lot of weight after my brother died and then never lost it so shes always been pretty obsessed with weight. and up until recently ive always been 20-30 lbs under weight. im about 5'8'' or 5'9'' and up until age 18 i only weighed like 120 lbs. and for someone with my build and my height im supposed to weigh at least 150 and my ideal weight is around 160 which is what i am now. but because i was under weight for so long, this weight feels horrible fat to me. and people even tell me "you look like youve gained weight. thats good because you were too skinny before." so how do i take that and turn it into "god im so fat"?

sorry this was so long lol

[RomanSunburn]

salukigirl, you've really made me feel better with this post. I have so much trouble with my own body image and self esteem, and I also feel like I have no real reason to have those thoughts. When you mentioned that you are no longer underweight, but struggle to accept that you're at a healthy weight and not fat, I have the same problem. I'm 5'2 and I bounce between 100 and 105 lbs, so even though a healthy weight for me is between 110 and 120, I still get anxious about being too heavy when I hit 107 on the scale... It doesn't help that people joke about me being their inspiration to throw up after they eat or people always saying "You're so skinny, I want to look just like you!"

But I feel like not just my body image, but my low self esteem in general is starting to affect my relationship with my boyfriend of three years. Simply the fact that he's gone further sexually with previous girls he's been with than with me makes me panic and think he doesn't want me and I'm not good enough, pretty enough, anything enough.

My mom recently bought me a book; "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook." I forget who it's by, but I think it'll be pretty helpful for me. I've read the first chapter and the chapter on negative self-talk so far. Negative self-talk is what really gets me, i think, and it sounds like maybe you too. The book has some exercises in it that seem like they'll be helpful as long as I stick with it. I have to realize that years of putting myself down are not going to be reversed in a day. It could take me months or even years to be happy with myself.

Basically, I just wanted to tell you that I hear what you're saying, and I have similar feelings, and your post helped me feel not so... alone, I guess is the word I'm looking for. Thanks

Ro

[salukigirl]

Thanks Roman. Im glad that I could help you feel better. Yeah, I put me self down out loud a lot and thats one thing that upsets him so much. And I havent said anything bad (out loud) about myself in a week and feel much better already. I might still think it but I think the simple act of saying it does more damage than keeping it in your head because its almost like its someone else telling me that, not myself y'know?

The weight thing Ive come to be okay with. I just took the initiative over the summer to actually wear a swim suit instead of hiding inside and was complimented a lot which made me feel like "wow, why have i been so self-conscious". And some of the problem is that when guys think theyre complimenting you, it doesnt feel like it. lol. And its not their fault. But I know that guys mean well when they say that they think Im cute because Im not super tiny and I have curves and stuff but in my head Im thinking "oh my god Im fat!" lol. So I just have to tell myself "No, that was supposed to be a compliment" so I dont flip out.

Well I hope you and I both (and everyone in this forum) can learn to feel better about themselves over time. Maybe Ill check out that book, thanks.

[sunset429]

Hey saluki girl, I had to comment because you sound a little bit like me, although my self-esteen issues are a little more extreme and keep me from being able to function sadly. Anyway, I have what is called, body dysmorphic disorder, and from what you've been describing it sounds like you might have it mildly also. I'm not a Dr. though so I can't say for sure. Look it up on wikpedia if you ever get a chance, alot of what you described seems to go hand and hand with the disorder, although as I said, it seems as if you only have a mild case of it which is very very good. Well, hopefully this has been of some help, and if you do feel you have the disorder after reading about it, I strongly suggest you get help for it because it can worsen over time if left untreated and I am proof of that, lol. Goodluck! Oh, and if I may ask, what did you score on the sanity test for self esteem?? I socre 100 so that should give you a general idea of what BDD is like. Ttyl!

[salukigirl]

I don't remember. I bought this workbook thats called 10 days to self-esteem and the tests in there told me I have moderate depression and moderate anxiety. I can remember maybe a couple days a month where I look in the mirror and honestly think "Man, I look pretty cute today." or when I look at my body and think "Wow, I really do have a nice body". Usually all I can focus on is whats wrong with me, not the good things.

However, I have noticed that just looking at myself and forcing myself to not think "Man Im gross" has helped me already. I do feel more confident (even if its only a little). I guess Im starting to realize that its myself and not other people who make me feel this way. Nobody has ever called me fat or ugly and nobody has ever told me I was worthless. In fact, its always been the opposite. So it must be me making myself feel it right? I think just figuring that out has helped a lot. And knowing that, even though I don't like what I see, I know its a distorted image of myself and that's not necessarily what other people see.

Thanks for responding. Ive heard of that disorder and Im going to look it up.

[salukigirl]

I looked up that disorder you were talking about and some aspects of it sound exactly like me while others are opposite.

I definately am a 'picker' and thats why I always get scars from zits and stuff because I cant just let them heal normally. But the thing that doesnt fit with me is the getting surgeries to fix things and not being satisfied.

Growing up I always had a huge gap in my front teeth. My teeth are perfectly straight, just spaced out so my dentist told me that when my wisdom teeth came in (he said when I turned 18 they should start from looking at x-rays) that my teeth would be pushed together so I didn't need braces. Well 19 roles around and none of them have even started like he said they would. So i had braces on my front, top 6 teeth for 2 months and it pulled them together and now my gap is gone and I don't even think about being self-conscious about my teeth anymore.

Or like when I found out I had PCOS and had to switch BC and all that crap I started getting acne real bad and hated it. So I bought that Proactiv and now I have like 3 zits at a time that heal in a few days and Im totally satisfied.

So when I do things to fix what I don't like about myself I am satisfied. But I think just growing up goofy looking has sank in now. So now that Im considered "hot" (apparently) I dont think about it like that because this is a new thing for me.

And I dont even know how many times my bf has said "Seriously... I have dated some pretty good looking women and you are by far the most attractive" but it still doesnt sink in. I guess it has a little.

And I do focus on little things about myself but I wouldnt call it obsessing. I dont constantly think about it. I dont stand in front of the mirror for hours or try a bunch of crazy products to look more attractive. So who knows. Maybe Im just in the middle between just having low self-esteem and body dysmorphic disorder.

But after reading it I think my boyfriend might have it! I know its more common in women than men but he really does fit the bill with it. He says all the time "I know Im ugly, you dont have to say it" or "I know what I am. Im okay with being fat and gross" and no matter how many times I say the opposite he doesnt believe me. I told him he was just as bad, if not worse, than me because at least i realize what i do to myself. He does the same stuff (talk down about himself) but he wont even admit it! Ugh... men lol

Hi Saluiki girl,

I relate to what you've written on may levels. Here's what helps me. Some do's and don'ts.

Look around you . At everyone , Not just the ones who are super beautiful young and perfect. See if you are looking at the magazines and Tv and movies.

I find when I look around I.m one amoung the majority and the other is a select group. Find the things you like about yourself and hold onto those and be grateful. Every one has some thing beautiful about them both physically and menatlly and emotionally.

Oh . and stay away from men who date younger women . Just in case your over thirty.

Don't ask others what they think of you . I got more of that then I needed long ago and it was all negative.

Compliments do not come around often . I've had so few. I got one the other day from a man in a parking lot . He said I just have to say something about your XXXXX

and I said

Thank you so much . I really needed that today. and I really meant that. I REALLY needed it I was in that Im ugly mode on my way to the dentist didn't help.

Then he said. I saw you in the store . And he said you look good both comming and going.

Wow . We got in our vehicals and left . I thought I have to pay this forward .

Do that . Pick out some woman or man walking by tell them some thing about themselves you find attractive and no "soft truths" .
Really mean it . I could do it more often than I do.

It will come back to you and probably not from the person you hope will give you the compliments .


Aurora

[BrokenSoul1]

Hi Salukigirl

Yes, I feel like you. I am older than you by about 20 years but have always felt as you do.

I feel that I am not attractive but am told that I am. Also that I look young for my age.

I avoid mirrors and put my makeup on in minimal light.

I wish I had some suggestions to help you with this.

How was your relationship with your dad?

Sometimes, I think it is what is on the inside that makes us beautiful but then I see those pictures of the makeup ad women or models and that idea goes out the window............

Sorry that I can't help.

Broken

[salukigirl]

My relationship with my dad was really weird. He has been an alcoholic all my life and was more of a friend than a dad. He asked me if I was smoking when I was 16, I said yes, and I got an "Ok. Just wondering." Him and my mom got divorced when I was 7 and then him and my step-mom got divorced when I was 17. Hes gotten a couple DUIs and one night in April of 2005, he spent the night in jail for trying to strangle my step-mom.

She had looked at the phone bill and saw a number she didnt know pop up a lot so she called it and it was the woman my dad had been cheating with (theyre still together today). I don't know if he ever cheated on my mom but he was away a lot when he worked in construction to go to different places to do contracting work.

But he used to tell me all this stuff about how my mom was trying to turn all of us against him and I got really close with him. Then I found out (when I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship) that my mom was physically afraid of him for close to the whole 22 years of their marriage. So she had kept all this stuff inside so that she wouldnt ruin my relationship with him.Thats what made me realize what kind of a man he really is. That he was really the one trying to turn me against my mom.

He still drinks, though not as much. He has pancreitis(sp?), high blood pressure, high triglycerides, high cholesterol and gout- all due to alcoholism. Plus I found out when I was 14 that, not only does he smoke pot regularly, but he was allowing my brother to grow it in our house when I was little. Plus he's told me about times hes done cocaine,mushrooms and all kinds of other drugs. (everything but heroine really)

So yeah, our relationship is a little messed up. Neither of my parents ever physically abused me ever. But he is quite a womanizer and goes for controlling women then gets mad at them for trying to control him. Hes kind of like a 22 yr old trapped in a 58 yr olds body. And he told me when I was abt 17 that he kind of resented us(his kids) for him never being able to go out an party when he was younger.

Ugh. Well. I have been feeling better. Yesterday I told my boyfriend everything I was feeling that Im not good enough for anyone and that he would probably be happier with someone else. And he was very understanding. Since then he has been referring to me as "my beautiful, gorgeous, amazing girlfriend" lol I guess trying to make me feel better.

Once he saw that it wasn't just me being petty, that I actually do hate myself, he kinda loosened up on it a little.Cause before it was just "get over it" but now I think he sees that its an actual problem, not just me being moody or whatever.

Thanks everyone for your responses.