[anna_goth27]

So for a while now I have been having issues with my coworker. We usually get along great and she can be a nice person when she wants to, but something has changed.
Now, I know I am not the most smartest person in the world and I still have alot of learning to do, but lately its as if she is holding me accountable for all of my mistakes at an unfair level. Its gotten so bad that now, when it comes to work stuff, I feel overly self-concious about what I do around her to the point that I almost have to bring myself to do it when she is not around because I am afraid of what she might be thinking I am handling stuff.
I understand that she has a family to think of and that she needs her job and obviously the last thing I want to do (besides me loosing my job) is having her loose hers over something I may he caused. But I still feel its unfair that she treats me as if everything I do is wrong or bad when as far as I know I am just doing things to the best of my ability.
I feel so conflicted because she has "somewhat" tried to help me overcome some of my issues by making me aware of this I didnt really notice before or giving my life advice, but the working aspect of it has become so strained and painful for me it makes me wonder if me caring for her beyond just a work relationship is even worth it.

What seems to have opened my eyes though is how calm I actually felt without her there this week since she was on vacation. Unfortunately now I am feeling anxious about tomorrow when she is coming back. Last time she went away something somewhat big happened and she threw in my face that everytime she goes away I make a mess out of something. Now I know this time I kept a pretty low profile and whatever I didnt have to deal with, I have left for her (as per her orders) however I cant help but feel stressed about what she might say or if she will find fault in something I did. After having (generally speaking) such a nice week at work I hate to feel so stressed.

[gayleggg]

I can understand how terrible you must feel having to put up with that everyday. Take into account that you don't know what is going with her at home that could be causing this highly critical thing she is going through. That doesn't make it any easier on you but maybe can relieve a little of the feeling to blame. Is she only critical with you or is it everyone? Makes a big difference. She could be suffering from a mental illness. I try to be sensitive to that since I have a mental illness that affects my work day.

Just throwing out ideas. Good luck and hope things get better.

[anna_goth27]

I dont know. She is a very vocal person and is quick to show her displeasure. I know its not just me, I mean sometimes she will come to me and complain about stuff that goes on around us. But I cant help but feel like she feels burdened by me. It wasnt always this way. I think my fault was when I began to open up to her about some of my issues because after that was when our dynamic began to change, mostly because she says its difficult to understand what I go through since she is the complete opposite, so happy and confident. It really bothers me because more than once she has pointed out how happy her home life is but when she gets to work she never knows what to expect, especially coming from me, and that the only thing that gets her through at work is knowing that she has a paycheck coming.
I try to consider that her way of being, although foreign to me, is just her and that I shouldnt take it personal or be hurt when she becomes insensitive towards my problems. But we work inside the same office and spend so much time together that I cant help hating whenever this awkwardness pops up. Especially after having gone through really good moments with each other. And honestly, all of this aside, she really is someone I look up to (somewhat) and value having had in my life. I dont like that the bad moments can overpower the good ones so much.

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[Bitmap]

Anna

I wish I had some good advice. I have a coworker who is exactly the same. She is never happy with me and really would prefer it if I wasn't there. I am working with my counselor on my self esteem so I can try to gain some confidence to stand up to her criticisms...Is that something you can do?

[anna_goth27]

I have mentioned stuff about her that bothered me before and it just ended up badly for me because she was able to come back at me for stuff that I do.
Like this morning, because I am so shy sometimes when I speak to people in higher positions, the words that come out are more based on instinct and what pops into my head first, rather than being careful with the way I phrase things. So I was telling her that somebody had asked a question about stuff she does, and exactly how they phrased it was how I phrased it to her. Now yes, I know I couldve/shouldve corrected their phrasing but I just simply responded them in the affirmative using their phrase. Oh, she didnt like that, she was so ticked off that I always seem to minimize what she does whenever someone higher than us asks me. And I am trying to explain to her that that isnt my intention and that I am just responding. But she feels that wasnt good enough, and although not necessarily a mistake, she cant understand why she wouldnt minimize me but I seemingly have no issue doing it to her, which is not true.

I am just tired of trying to be fair while still making sure both our needs are met, but sometimes I know it frustrates her and I can see why, but I wish she could see it from my view. I dont do it on purpose honest to goodness, it just happens so quickly its too late to remedy my mistake. I trid to tell her that the conversation that person and I had it did end up in me leading him to know she does this particular thing more and I dont, but I guess it was too late and wasnt good enough for her.

I think I have come to the conclusion that her and I as a working team we are.....Ok.....but we are better of being casual friends especially since it seems like she is tired of having to deal with me and would prefer she didnt have to. And sadly its come to me feeling that way too about her and me not feeling happy coming in to work anymore.

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[anna_goth27]

So, I apologized again and I got no reaction from her. All she said is "oh, I don't know Anna" and after a while, I guess my emotions were too much for her because she left the office shortly after and has been gone for over an hour, which is not unusual but I know that means she wants to take a break from me because she is tired of me.

I also told her I do appreciate the effort she has done in the past to help me, even if it seems like any progress we made has reset back to zero, but I still got no reaction from her. What is making me feel worse right now is I am going on vacation tomorrow and leaving us like this is going to bother me the whole entire time and it almost makes me feel like taking a vacation wont even be worth it. I feel like I may have cut the last strand of friendship we may have had and that has me gutted.

[gayleggg]

I hope you can find a way to not let this ruin your vaction. I hope you have something fun and distracting to do. Hope you can get some relief.

[anna_goth27]

Lol well my "vacation" iss simply staying home because I cant afford to go anywhere at the moment. That is why its stressing me out to think that this is just going to be hanging over my head all week and being alone at home will only make it worse.

I just asked her if she is angry and she said no. So I asked if she is just simply tired of me and got no real response she just reinstated she is not angry.

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[notz]

Hi Anna, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I'm glad you have a therapist and hope you'll spend time on PC over your vacation. This is a great place to friend new friends.

[hannabee]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, as well. IDK maybe stop trying to please her so hard. I f you asked me a question like that, I really wouldn't know how to answer, if I were tired of you, and then I would feel extremely uncomfortable around you. Sounds like you are trying too hard. Just do your job the best of your ability, for that is really all you can do. It sounds like she has issues about HER job security!! I read your most recent post and I hope you have a therapist or someone to talk to. It sounds like you need some help. Hugs to you and I hope you are feeling better soon, you deserve to, you know.

[anna_goth27]

I just ****ed something up. So my boss calls and asks about a bill. I tell him I left it to here while I was gone thinking I had left one of the ones we were looking for. Obviously, I was wrong because I hadnt, but I told my that I left my coworker to pay for it (since I always do anyway). So she gets all upset with me because I told him I left the bills with her when I left nothing. I dont even know why I try -_-. Especially when I was gone a WHOLE WEEK and she knew the bills hadnt come in and did nothing to try and get them sorted out. And last time we paid these they came back with balances, showing that we were late in paying AGAIN. I wouldve thought she wouldve already called for them while I was gone.

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[Sharp_Lace]

I know you think this girl is your friend. But there is no way to know what she thinks of you.
You should stop trying to please her and just do your job as well as you can.

She may being trying to stay on a friendly-ish basis with you even though she would really like it if you got fired or quit.
Don't let her make your job miserable, some people are just like that. They think they are awesome and the job they do is always better and will always try and get someone else fired because they are shifting blame.

[anna_goth27]

I am not sure if that is really it. I do think she has a complex where its easy to just take out her frustration on me because I make so many mistakes.
I dont know anymore, eventhough I asked her what it is she wants me to do to make things right in her eyes, even suggesting if me quitting would make her feel better and she said no she doesnt want me to go and quit, but I am not so sure if she means it.
She asked me if she did something to me I didnt like and am trying to get back at her, and honestly I cant recall one. I know I desrve it, but I just dont like that she is making me feel so many times worse for like I did saying that by my actions I am showing no gratefulness for what she has helped me with in the past.

I am not so sure how to fix things anymore because her trust and respect she has lost for me for what I can best describe as carelessness, is frustrating me more than stressing me out. I know what I have to try to work on (and eventhough it might not seem like it I have REALLY HARD), but otherwise its gonna be a long road to get us back to where we were.

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[anna_goth27]

Well its over now. There was something about our layoffs that I kept from her for weeks and yesterday something compelled me to tell her the truth and as it was to be expected, she did not take it well. She says that if I had been a real friend to her I wouldve given her a heads up about the layoffs despite the fact that I was told not to because that is what friends do for each other and that is what she wouldve done for me. And she is right.
But I feel so horrible. Because now I lost her friendship forever. She even deleted me off from her Facebook and her daughter's. I guess what bothers me most is that she sees me as this horrible two-faced person that never cared a bit for her. But I always did. Too much Id almost be willing to say. Obviously I made alot of bad judgement calls, but hurting someone was never my intention. Especially hurting someone that tried to do so much for me. I just wish she could see that for what it is but she refuses to believe me because I guess I really am the horrible person she thinks. Maybe it is difficult for someone to truly "be that nice".
I guess the only "solace" is that in two weeks I wont have to see or speak to her anymore ever. I will try and only focus on the good memories and try to be kind to her during the time we have left. Yes she made me really angry this morning and I sent her a message about it when I realized what she did, but I guess it is what it is. She read it and didnt resond so I guess she is wipping her hands clean and I have no choice to do the same. Even if it hurts me.

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I hope that someday you see you did nothing wrong in the face of a difficult situation. There was no "real" right decision. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

It is too bad and disappointing she is behaving this way. I don't think she has the maturity to see your dilemma. It would be too easy to say she wasn't really a friend for her behavior. I know that probably does not help. You once again did the right thing by trying to connect after the fact. It has to be her call to try and work through it. My suggestion would be to leave the door open for her. She may or may not come back.

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[anna_goth27]

Thanks. I spoke to someone else who knows her (not a friend per say, but someone I can trust not to get back to her) and she told me the same thing. She said really the only thing left to do is leave her alone, give her some time and maybe in a few days try to patch things up again. But she also said to me that I must be aware that it could go either way. She could forgive me again, or just cut me off for good. I guess part of me is afraid that she will get vindictive about it and possibly jeopardize my job over this. Because I truly want to believe she is better than that, but at the same time I never she would stoop so low as to delete me off her facebook page. That petty move scares the crap out of me. She says she is a Christian and "is trying to do the Christian things", but that move was so not Christian-like.
Like I told the person I spoke to, maybe the problem is that really and truly she could never truly see my sincerity because she is such a different person than I am. She has never dabbled or dealt with being insecure or having low self-esteem or any of the other issues that I have (including touch of depression, anxiety, etc) and therefore can't see that sometimes what I would do (what she called sneaky behaviour) wasn't me being sneaky or having a hidden agenda. It was all because my faults caused me to look like that or act "odd" or "weird" because that is all I know. And I felt under pressure to be a different person because I wasn't normal enough, and I was just following what I thought she wanted me to do or be. I was just acting the way I THOUGHT I was supposed to act to better be accepted. But she thinks it was all an act. She thinks that she always thought something was very wrong about me and that this last incident put the final nail on the coffin and proved that I am a bad person.

But I made up in my mind that I don't want to stay angry. Because being angry at her means I will also be angry with myself. And I also don't blame her and I realize that her feelings were hurt. I kind of regret sending her a message on FB after I realized she blocked me because I was angry. I didn't put her down exactly, but I just expressed my hurt over what she was doing and I did let her know that her deleting me was not the Christian thing to do, but I also apologized again and told her I was sorry that she couldn't see past my mistakes and truly believe that I cared for her, but I was just being stupid. I guess I'll apologize for that message when I see her again.

I just...this has me so down. I know its life and sometimes this **** happens and we just have to move on, but that doesn't take the pain away or make it in any way any easier to deal with because it still bothers me and I can't stop thinking about it. It makes me wonder if maybe that's why its so hard to get people to like me or why I can't really make friends with anyone. Because I am too stupid so people don't want to be bothered.

[hvert]

That sounds so stressful. I hope that with time and space, she'll come to forgive you -- and that the distance will allow you to be more gentle with yourself. You aren't a bad person just because someone thinks you are a bad person. You did what you thought was right. I'm glad you are letting go of the Facebook incident -- isn't it amazing how much that stings?!

[anna_goth27]

Originally Posted by hvert

That sounds so stressful. I hope that with time and space, she'll come to forgive you -- and that the distance will allow you to be more gentle with yourself. You aren't a bad person just because someone thinks you are a bad person. You did what you thought was right. I'm glad you are letting go of the Facebook incident -- isn't it amazing how much that stings?!

Yes very. And the fact that she knows that her daughter and I had a nice relationship and she is alienating me from being aroud her too is even worse, although in all fairness its not illogical for her to do that. Its perfectly normal. And it sucks.
I am to the point where I dont want to be held prisoner inside my office for the next week and a half just because she wants me gone. I want to take part in the overall social setting. I want to be able to have small talk with her. I dont care about being friend on Facebook anymore or texting each other or having any type of relationship outside these four walls. I just want this place to feel OK with the time we have left. That is all.

And yes I am happy that I wont have to see her or be around her everyday because I think I am overdue some peace of mind where I can be myself and not be so harshly judged.

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[swheaton]

In trying to read this, I am thinking that you invested way too much of yourself. Is she getting laid off? I guess I'm confused. All I can see is that someone is trying to use any weakness you might have to make themselves feel better.

[anna_goth27]

Originally Posted by swheaton

In trying to read this, I am thinking that you invested way too much of yourself. Is she getting laid off? I guess I'm confused. All I can see is that someone is trying to use any weakness you might have to make themselves feel better.

Yes she is getting laid off. The company we work for is "shutting down" (well really its more of a split between the owners, each going their own way) and I was approached by two of the owners to stay with one of them, but she is being let go completely. And she blames me for it.

For a time now (obviously) I felt something weird between us and I started to regret ever caring so much about her. Like I cared too much, and now I realize I wasn't wrong feeling that way. I wanted to believe in her, but all week she has been totally insufferable. She is being the rudest person ever and there is absolutely no cordiality. Its driving me to the brink of wanting to be nasty towards her too, but I am going to be the bigger person and not stoop to her level. She is making it really hard though.

[swheaton]

Someone like her is black on the inside. Just keep ignoring her. It sounds like the owners like you