Feel Trapped Into Accepting Job

Yeah, it sounds like strangling is in order. Your company just sounds SO screwed up. Your boss is a horrible boss and it's hard for me to imagine that he does anything well given how random, flighty, and scattered he sounds. How is it that those people are always managers? Peter Principle?

You shouldn't have to remind him about a meeting. That's his job or his PA's job. He's a grown man, he needs to figure it out. And did *he* go to the stupid town hall? Or does he just want everyone else to go because he knows he won't be there? It reminds me of trying to get out of going to a pep rally in high school.

Did you ever get a response from him on any of it? The week old forward from his boss demanding information today - who cares what other people say. Your boss doesn't care what these people respond with, so why should you? If he cared, he wouldn't have waited until the last minute to ask.
If his boss cares about the results of this survey (doubtable), maybe he will notice the answers suck and start to look into things.

But, really, does anyone look at that stuff? It seems like companies are always requesting it, but I don't think anyone does anything with the info. I mean, it doesn't really roll up. The managers have a goal of engaging employees by asking them about their goals, and once they ask and get a response, they just tick off that 'engage employees' box and tell *their* boss that they did the task.

How many years of not enough to do? More than four? I mean, I was sort of assuming it was just the past couple i.e. two years, but is it really five or six? Even at just two years, it is too many. This is a really sad situation. It's too easy to get beaten down by stuff like this to the point where it's hard to figure out how to get out of the situation, or even realize just how bad it is. It's not threatening enough to provoke a do or die response, but it just starts sapping you of your energy.

I hope it gets better for you. All this interaction with your boss and this non work sounds extremely aggravating.

Yeah, I don't have an end date. It does feel like a job in a lot of ways and I find myself phrasing stuff as if I were an employee. I have a company that was hired by their company to provide a service. I'm a salaried employee of my company.

I had to go into my friend's office yesterday and ask her if it was me or the company in terms of the hold ups on all of the projects I work on... and now I just checked my email again and see that the parent company wants to get involved. OMG. This is just nuts. The particular problem I am trying to solve at the moment is so straightforward.

I hope you enjoy your mini-vacation - do you have anything fun planned? We're hopefully going to go camping, although it looks kind of cold where we're headed!

Thanks. Today was just nuts. Now that I'm going to be out for a few days, *everybody* suddenly wanted to talk to me, and I've just been in meetings and trying to get things ready to hand off all day. Not fun.

Oh, and my boss set a date for presenting on this second project today, without talking to me first. I got an invite, and it's the day after I get back from vacation. Oh yay! Which is why I ended up handing off some of the stuff I was doing to someone else on the team, so that she can worry about getting all this stuff pulled together in the next few days. Seriously, it's a huge project with lots of parts, I don't get it.

We also met to talk through some of the work we're doing. It's all "concepts" at this stage, to sell the work. I put a basic idea together for my piece, walked through it with the team, specifically saying that I didn't have a lot of experience with doing high level concepts and wanted feedback. My boss' feedback was basically that it's too detailed (it's 2 screens). It was really frustrating. That's what I do. I flush out the details of how a system should work from the user's perspective. To expect me to not think about how it works, or interacts with other pieces, or whatever... is just ridiculous.

I just feel like I'm really in the wrong place. And I've known it for a long time. And change is still SO hard!

Anyway, I'm glad I've got a few days off. I've gained back all the weight I lost and feel really miserable and unhealthy, but every time I try to get back to eating better, I get sucked back into sugar due to the crappiness of my job. I'm hoping that 5 days away gives me a little time to do some cooking and re-establish a little bit of a healthy pattern.

So not fun though!

Camping sounds fun! I hope you guys get to go! I'm jealous, I wish I had someone to go camp with!

Oh, and it IS really hard to say exactly how long I've been underutilized at work. We had a big project in late 2013-early 2014 that I was on that I *loved*, great people and really interesting work, very busy, that was good. So it's not 100% of the time. But that was only 4-6 months or so (?). There was one other big project before that that was a lot of fun. Beyond those two, I don't know, it's been years. I have a crappy sense of time (dissociative stuff) so it's really hard for me to pin it down without actually looking through my work records/performance reviews/calendars to try to see what I was doing.

Thanks for your good wishes though. I know, we just talked about this, but I really need to figure something out. It's just so frustrating... like I said... it feels like a bad relationship where your confidence just gets shot, making it hard to imagine finding anything better. At least with relationships, you can survive on your own. Harder to live without a job!

That really sucks that the company you're working for is over-complicating things so badly. I think you mentioned something similar (but with the guy that you report to), it just astounds me that they hire you to do a job, you are ready and able to do the job, and then they put up roadblocks and get in your way.

Maybe that's just what life is though? I mean, it reminds me of how life is on a personal level.. how we (or at least *I*) constantly get in my own way with goals. Like with therapy, I bet at the end of my sessions that my therapist MUST be thinking - "Oh geez, you know you'd get better so much faster if you'd just do what I'm suggesting and get out of your own way!". If life were just that simple!

Have you thought any more about finding other business for your company, so that maybe you can escape these crazy people at some point?

I hope you had a fun few days off! We went out of town for a few, completely disconnected from the internet, a rarity. I really *like* not being online even though I am on the internet 24/7 when given the chance.

I can't believe your boss told you that two screens was too much detail. Seriously? You have such a high value skill set and this company is absolutely wasting it. Change *is* hard, but life would be so much nicer once you were on the other side of it.

I'm trying to tell myself that, too. I just want to start spending maybe an hour a day working on an escape route. It feels like if I could just get started... maybe I need to set aside the same hour every day? Seriously, why is this so hard??? The weight stuff, too -- if I ate less and exercised more, I wouldn't be so fat and I'd be in better shape. Why don't I just do it??

I am not saying this is a good idea, but I read about some guy just getting started in sales went out and bought himself a Porsche. He did it because he knew that if he *had* to pay the bills, he would find some way to do it. I was kind of waiting for that to happen to me... and I guess it sort of did, in terms of this job coming up at about the right time in terms of cash flow.

Anyway, I don't think buying a Porsche is necessarily the right idea, but I do think that it actually is a lot like relationships - when you are in a crappy one you don't really want to leave, maybe because you don't think you can do any better... but you can or you can figure out how to live on your own. Your job is like being a SAHM with three kids married to an alcoholic husband... it's hard to leave and maybe things will be better without him and maybe you will be poorer... or maybe you will find that things are better *and* you have more money since you don't have to spend it all on coping mechanisms anymore.

I'm having trouble sticking to the point this morning, but life without this job is possible. It's just hard to see it when you are in it.

I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I need to get 20 million things done today and it's not happening fast enough...

So true, a job IS a relationship. When the detriments start out-weighing the benefits, staying in that relationship is hard on your mental health for even the most stable people. I had to ask myself "What's the worst case scenario if I leave this relationship?" Of course it was money, prestige, and health insurance. Rationally, emotional and physical health is more important than financial health. It is harder to make this choice when others are depending on you.

Thanks Hvert. Getting away for a few days (and off the computer) sounds so relaxing!

I enjoyed my time off too! It helps to have some time away, although I didn't get nearly as much done as I had hoped. I'm finding that I just get worn out really easily For example, Friday I sorted through some clothes (ha - I had to switch out the pants in my closet for the "fatter" pants that were vacuum sealed in space saver bags!). My work pants were all wrinkled, so I ironed them. It took me a little over an hour, and I was just physically *exhausted* after. As in, I had to lie down in bed for an hour or longer before I could do anything else. It's hard to get much done like that.

I tried explaining this to the therapist today, who again brought up depression . To which I tend to think:

a) Duh. Have you seen my life lately? I can't think of a good reason to NOT be depressed!

b) I'm not sad. I'm not even "depressed" all the time. I have moments of happiness, joy, awe, etc. It's not like I'm "depressed" every minute of the day.

c) So what? Saying, "oh that sounds like depression" is not helpful. Tell me what to do about it. And, do not tell me "go get meds" because I don't want to go down that path!

Anyway, nothing really came out of it, so I think I'm just frustrated (still) with that.

Yeah, my boss. I don't *think* he meant that doing 2 screens was too much, but... I annotated the screens, like I would for a normal design, to show how things would/could work and what I was thinking. I guess my annotations scared him a bit. It's really crazy though. It's not like THESE were the pages we'd show to clients, they still need to go to the graphic designers to mock up and make pretty. *Sigh*.

Thanks for validating the job stuff. I agree, I feel like the SAHM with three kids and an alcoholic husband. And, I wish I knew why it's so hard to leave. I don't think it is for everyone. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing. Kind of what we were talking about with your BF - some people have a lot of confidence and a sense that they can walk away from a bad situation, and find something better. I get scared that there's nothing better... my dad tried to change careers at one point, and has really suffered for it (and is now retirement age, but has nothing - no money, no house, a crappy broken down car, no savings at all, and is living with an ex-girlfriend b/c he has nowhere else to go.) I can't go down that route. I'd rather stay in a bad job where I'm paid well and can save money, and know that one day I'll be able to afford to retire and not be homeless

I also think (like in the metaphor) it's hard because the job (or relationship) itself really does a number on your confidence. It's *hard* to feel like you've got something to offer another company when your current job not only makes you feel useless, but (as you know) isn't giving you an opportunity to keep your skills from falling apart!

I like your plan to spend a little time each day working on an escape route! Do you know what that looks like for you? Sometimes, it sounds like you do (i.e. finding more clients for the business that you already have set up.) It sounds like your so active in the world (with the volunteer work, the boards that you're on, the pottery class) that you must be running into tons of people who can either hire your company, or recommend you to their friends?

re: The weight stuff, do you have any ideas why you don't do? I'm frustrated with myself, because I had lost a ton of weight, and it was fairly easy - not crazy dieting or excessive exercising. And... I felt so much better, not just from the weight being gone, but because part of that was improving my sleep (I was sleeping better than I ever had, it was unbelievably wonderful, which helped me feel better which helped me stick with everything).

What I was doing was NOT hard. I was sticking with a fairly basic, paleo-based, moderate carb type diet (no counting calories or anything) and walking.

But, I was getting ~10 meals a week from a local restaurant that did a paleo meal plan, so I didn't have to cook everything. And they went out of business. And that, plus the crappiness of work (I was on a better project that kept me busy when I lost the weight), plus the stress of therapy... I have not been able to get back to it.

I was hoping to get back on the wagon, so to speak, with my 5 days off... but by day 3 I was having bad headaches and feeling rotten, and caved. I should have prioritized better, instead of trying to get 50 other things done, just focused on the diet and making it through those 5 days.

Sigh. Nothing's ever easy.

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that you're right. It's just... I don't know, I don't seem to have the energy to go and find something else. It sounds pathetic (but hey, look! Depression!) I've looked online, from time to time, and looked at a meetup in my area for people in my field... but haven't found anything that looks like a better fit. I don't know.

Thanks!

And, thanks Mountain Human. I agree, and there's no one depending on me, but me. But, that also means there's no one else supporting me or helping with the bills. So, I can't just "jump" - I have to have a plan and no where I'm going to land. That's where I get stuck!

I think right now I'm dating someone who springs for dinner, but the restaurants are pretty crappy and we don't want to see the same movies.

The lying in bed due to overwhelm = depression thing - I do that. I am just this year starting to wonder if the cause isn't actually migraine headaches. That sounds sort of stupid, like how can you not realize you have a headache, but I am really hooked on this theory for my situation. And, yeah, it's pretty hard to get stuff done when it happens!

I agree that labeling it 'depression' really isn't that helpful. It just makes it more depressing, somehow. Isn't it really the human condition? Don't we all do this, let crummy situation sort of persist even though we know better and could change some aspects of the situation ourselves?

With your job, probably nothing is going to look better on paper. Something doesn't really need to look better for you to apply, does it? It's hard enough to tell through the interviews that a place is 'right' or not - trying to judge it through a job description is impossible.

I know that you are not sure you even want to be doing what you are doing, which just makes it worse, but having a more tolerable job may give you more energy and enthusiasm to pursue something else. Or the interview may just make you appreciate what you have even more.

My problem is that I really, really, really don't want to do this kind of work. It involves being on call 24/7. I don't want that. Unfortunately, the easiest path to profitability for me is ... this kind of work.

I need to go back to my software product... but this morning I get to drive an hour away to plug something in. And the AC in my car doesn't work and it's very hot.

Oh, and you aren't your father. You are way more responsible and resourceful. If you did quit your job, you'd find freelance work or some way of paying your bills.

I think that if you could make a list of all the people who feel "trapped" in their current situation, that would be an enormous list. The misery of my situation got me motivated to actively search for a new situation, which I'll be starting next week. It may be better, or worse, but I'll try to deal with that when it gets here and not stress about it today. Pain is truly the greatest motivator (some say it's love). I got stuck telling myself that existence is suffering and acceptance is my answer. I still believe that, but also if I'm unhappy due to my own inaction, I'm causing this and only I can change it.

Hvert, I love your continuation of the dating metaphor. That's kind of funny. It really does feel like every place is nuts these days though, doesn't it?

With the ironing, it wasn't feeling overwhelmed, but just *exhausted*. But, strangely, I DO have a history of migraines! And I'm having more headaches (some migraines) lately - I think because of the crap I'm eating (it was much better when I was eating super healthy consistently.)

Do you have a history of migraines? For me... it feels like the inside of my head is being scraped out, it's a huge amount of pain that can not be easily ignored (though I thought I read about their being a type of migraine that isn't as noticeable?) I tend to get nauseous as well, and not want to move at all to try to control that. So not fun.

re: Jobs - Yes! It does need to look better! This may be the "depression" talking, but I can't even begin to imagine getting the energy together to do everything you have to do to get a new job for a job that doesn't seem like an improvement. If it's not better, why bother? I can stay where I'm at and be perfectly miserable (but well-paid and with good benefits).

And, wow. That's CRAZY that they have you driving an hour to go plug something in. There's really nobody on site can handle that? Can you walk them through it on the phone, or on skype, or something? That just seems ridiculous, and not at all what you were hired to do. Had they tried to put this in your contract, would you have still taken the job?

I still kind of wonder if you could hire minions! I hear that contracting companies usually make as much as the employees that they rent out... so if you had someone that you paid $40/h, you'd actually charge the company $80/h and keep $40 for yourself. Crazy, but it's also probably a huge management pain if that's not your thing. It's just hard not to think about how nice it would be for you to be able to work on the strategic parts, and send your minion out to plug things in! (OK, let's face it, I am very long overdue for a minion of my own!)

Ugh. I got invited to a social networking site for my condo community. The person who invited me is using a pseudonym, so I did too - because I don't want my info online (otherwise I wouldn't have joined). So, some person immediately pipes up with a comment about not realizing we're allowed to be "incognito". Ahem. The guy who invited says that he invited me, but that he'll check to make sure I'm somebody from the neighborhood. I wrote him back, told him who I was and that I hate social networking and this isn't a good fit, so I'm done. I also posted a msg to that woman (not sure if it went through since I then cancelled my account) basically saying that I was in fact invited, I don't feel comfortable sharing my information on a social networking site, and clearly this wasn't a good place for me, so I'm cancelling my account (all very politely said, but you know...) I made a point to thank the person who actually did post a "welcome" to me without the snide remark.

I thought about you when I did this, and what you said about being irritated by everyone. I found this whole thing to be so incredibly irritating - to the point that I just want to sell the stupid condo and move out already! Really beyond what is probably normal, but definitely very very irritating.

And, the people I work with were a bit irritating today too. The big presentation is tomorrow, and the things that I thought were going to be handled in my absence were not, of course. So I scrambled around trying to figure out who was doing what and get things put together for this presentation. (I did have bourbon-ice-cream to get through it. So much yummier than I expected, given I don't drink!)

Anyway, sorry... I feel for you (about not wanting to do the type of work that you're getting dragged into, and not wanting to be on call 24/7). I know you didn't have an end date in your contract, is there anyway to renegotiate any of it? I'd be very tempted to say, "I didn't sign up for this, and it's not covered by our work agreement. However, for an extra $XXX I can support you in this specific way... " then I'd specify things like NOT being on call, maybe just picking one day a week to be your "travel day", or something similar? But mostly, pushing for more money to cover this work (you could say that your initial price wasn't including things like wear and tear on your car and gas!)

Sorry for the ranting. Just... wow... kind of a crappy first day back after vacation. I want to go curl up in bed now... even though it's only like, 6pm!

Mountain Human good luck with the new job, I hope it works out for you!

Mountain human, I hope your new gig goes well! I find that the more places I work, the more information I have about what I don't want in a company or job

I think pain and misery can be a motivator, but we can get to a point in a bad situation where we are so beaten down that the escape route is no longer obvious or clear. Like if a country's people are lying down in ditches starving to death, they aren't going to think about revolting. It's the people who currently have some access to food but who think they are going to lose it in the future that are the ones who will start a revolution.

That's not my issue right now - I am not overwhelmingly miserable, more just perpetually annoyed... but still unmotivated to do the work I need to do to change the situation... or really, to prepare for the inevitable end. I am working part-time and plan on turning down any full time job offer. When I turn down the offer, I will probably lose the part time work, so I am kind of just biding my time.

Jobs kind of suck in general. I am getting a lot of social needs met, needs I didn't even know I had, but other than that, it's a time drain that makes me tired and cranky.

Ha ha, our posts crossed paths.

I can't believe no one did the work for your presentation! Nice team work!

My migraines involve tooth pain in the wisdom teeth area and lights flickering. There is also a huge light and noise sensitivity and feeling sick to my stomach. I have this 'thing' where I would start a home construction project and then get so overwhelmed by it that I would have to go to bed in the middle of the day. I would need dark and absolute silence. When I woke up the next morning (or middle of the night), I would feel better.

I still don't think of it as head pain. It's not that it's painful, just that I am so miserable and feel so lousy that I can't deal with anything.

So I am wondering - home construction projects often kick up dust! Maybe it's not that I am overwhelmed, but that there's a sinus issue!

The job really does not need to look better! Even if you are 100% sure about that, going with the idea that you might be wrong is so much more beneficial. What do you have to lose? An hour getting your resume up to date (so it's ready the moment the perfect job lands at your feet)? A few hours practicing interviews with someone you'll never see again?

Getting the energy together to apply for a job you don't want is a lot easier than finding energy for one you do want!

So I drove the hour (it was longer) to plug the thing in and leave. I guess if they want to pay me three hours to drive around, whatever. If my car had AC I would be happy about getting out of the office.

The people at this site are awful and I don't trust them to do what I tell them. It's really, really bad. We installed some new equipment and it mysteriously broke - sabotage has not been ruled out.

I had someone in another office call me today wanting me to drive 2+ hours to add some RAM to a machine. Seriously?!?!?! This guy has been doing this stuff for 7 years and now is suddenly incapable of it?

When I took the job, I knew there would be some BS, but I didn't quite expect this. I figured that it would be okay since I got paid the same amount either way. It really is grating, though. Some of the people at this place treat me like I am some sort of servant. I had an incident last week that was simply infuriating. Someone wanted me to set up equipment for a training. He told me an hour before it took place - right as he was leaving for lunch, like I was going to set it up for him while he was gone. I didn't.

The biggest problem I have with these people is that they have solutions worked out that make no sense. This is not something I have encountered in other places. What I run into in this place are people telling me *how* to do things, but what they want me to do is impossible. The guy with the training kept telling me that he needed me to set up X, but I knew he needed Y. Two minutes before his training starts, he asks me how to make X do Y. I told him that I had no idea how to do that and assumed he did from the way he was talking.

And, really, I am not a difficult person (usually). I want to be helpful. I am done being taken advantage of or treated disrespectfully. Asking me nicely, apologetically, for help at the last minute is one thing. Telling me to set up for your meeting at lunch time? Nope.

That condo networking thing - wow! That escalated quickly! It sounds like you did well to just cancel the account. I have heard some pretty funny stories about neighborhood Facebook groups - luckily there's nothing like that in my neighborhood

I am not sure what will happen with the travel. The person I (currently) report to does not want me on the road for these dumb reasons. Since I am only in a few days a week, it's really kind of big deal for me to spend one of those days on the road doing something ridiculous.

I learned today that someone at the parent company requested my resume in case they want to utilize me in the future. Really???? Maybe everyone really *is* irritating!!!

I kind of want to go to bed already too, but I am not going to.

Fun.

Yeah, it's not really fair for me to say that nobody did anything. They all worked hard on getting the graphics together, and the presentation actually *looked* amazing, the slides were seriously *beautiful* (which I guess is what happens when you let a graphic designer run with it!).

But I was surprised that they hadn't put any descriptive text out there to describe the beautiful screenshots and that they were waiting for me to do that. Oh, and the beautiful screenshots... were *very* heavy graphics that just about killed the presentation. Like... it was taking me 5+ seconds to switch pages in the presentation. It was a bit crazy. We're going to need to reign that in a bit because there's really no need for graphics that are that are so big they're killing PowerPoint!

Oh! Your migraines... have you ever googled "silent migraine". You might want to look that up and see if it fits. I *think* that there ARE migraines like that - with all the migraine-like symptoms, but no headache. It might be important to know, because migraines apparently raise your risk level for strokes in the future , just fyi. I just don't know that a sinus problem would cause that level of nausea...

Wow - I'm sorry that you're dealing with things like sabotage! That's crazy! And the fact that someone had been installing their own RAM for years, and suddenly "can't" do it without help. Pffft. Nope! I'm glad that your boss doesn't want you wasting time driving all over the place, but yikes. What a pain!

I wonder, can these things be batched? I mean, getting more RAM is SO not an emergency! It could wait... even weeks or months if it had to. It's not like the person can't work at all. Maybe it would be more efficient if you could plan a day at the other office, say once a month, to do everything? I know, it's still not what you want to be doing, but it might be better to have it planned and batched, rather than randomly making trips out there every few days for one person's RAM issues ?

"The biggest problem I have with these people is that they have solutions worked out that make no sense...." Wow! That's so... strange!

I don't know how you do it. Well, OK, I guess you do it the same way that I do it... by just managing to keep going, one day at a time, and dealing with it as you go along. But really, it shouldn't be so completely nuts!

Work shouldn't feel like you're the only sane one there!

Yeah, the condo thing was a little unreal. I was probably overreacting a little bit, but I was in a crappy mood, and really didn't need that. I was pretty worked up about it, but I think I should have foreseen how that would go - I *hate* social networking type sites, so it's not surprising that this wouldn't work for me. Oh well, now I know.

re: Looking for another job. I agree... I need to be doing this, and I hear you, but I really don't think I can manage to do the stuff I need to for a job that doesn't look any more appealing than what I'm doing now. I don't need to find a perfect, dream job... but if I don't think it sounds interesting/exciting - it's going to be hard to summon up any sort of motivation to move forward with. And, really, I *want* to be excited about a new job! I like being useful, working, learning, contributing... ugh. It's frustrating.

We made it to the end of another week! Yay! That's worth celebrating! And, it's almost June, which means that the year is almost half over! (Which is only exciting because we're that much closer to Winter, and I usually save up vacation time so that I can totally check out for a few weeks near the end of the year.)

I blocked off an hour of time to work on my software project today and I actually did it!

I felt really discouraged about my work situation this weekend and even worse when I went in on Monday, but by the end of the day I felt a tiny bit better. I take stuff personally when I really shouldn't. I just feel like I am in a really awkward position at this place. It's such an unprofessional role (so much helpdesk) and I don't see any way of turning it into something more strategic/high level... and I always have this feeling like if I were just more <<something>>, I'd be taken seriously, finally. Being in this place makes me feel like I am doomed, like I can't do more strategic level consulting because I am too unprofessional seeming.

And then there is so much 'well, I can't do that until I do this,' that goes on in my life. Like I can't approach people about my software project until I fix my image issues and I can't get a new wardrobe until I lose weight and I can't really have a great social life until I clean and renovate my house and have parties, etc etc.

re: motivation: Have you come across the Stephen King quote: “Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.” I kind of think finding jobs is like that. Jobs are always going to suck - we're being paid to do stuff for someone else, whether we feel like it or not (OMG, my attitude is so bad). So if I am not excited about a job, I figure that's just normal - why would I be?

Do *any* aspects of job ads, even for jobs you don't want, excite you?

Ha! I swear, I sent the PM before reading your message here!

Congratulations on getting some work done on your project! That's awesome! Do you feel like it's going to help the momentum? Sometimes, I find getting started is the hardest part... once I actually get to work, things go a bit quicker. I hope it's like that for you too!

I feel like I struggle with a lot of the same things that you do. I totally get the wanting to do more strategic work thing, and waiting to do something until something else happens. I feel like that a lot (I want to do another acting class, and join a group to help make new face-to-face friends, and maybe get back into medieval reenactment - but I feel like I have to lose the weight that I gained back first, because I just feel so uncomfortable. But I'm not actually doing the things I need to to lose the weight... i.e. avoiding sugar!)

I wish I had an answer! It's hard!

Does it help at all to focus on what you can do? Like... "OK, I have 10 things I want to do once I lose weight, what am I doing now to lose the weight?" or like, "OK, I don't want to invest a lot of money in a new wardrobe that may not fit in a year, since I'm losing weight. Could I maybe find a couple of great pieces that fit now, that would make me feel awesome and more professional, so that I have those for meeting new clients?" (i.e. not an entire wardrobe, but a couple things that make you feel good and that look nice, so you've got stuff that helps you feel professional?)

I don't know, I'm winging it, because I'm not doing any of this stuff either, and I need to. My clothes are starting to very obviously not fit... even my bigger clothes, because I've just ballooned up in the last year. Like, literally, I must have gained 45-50 pounds in the last 12 months!

I don't know about the job stuff. Nothing really speaks to me, but I don't know if it's because I'm depressed, or because I've had enough jobs that it feels like no matter how good something looks, I know it will suck. I really think I'm not cut out for working in a big, bureaucratic company. But, trying to figure out something I can do on my own is completely daunting. I do think it's possible to have a job that doesn't suck, even though you're working for someone else... one of the things my sister has brought up is how there are some jobs where people make enough money and could easily retire, but they *don't*. They keep doing them well into their old age. I guess that when she was studying law, she met quite a few judges like that - they genuinely loved what they were doing, they had a lot of control and autonomy in their work, and were paid pretty well. Maybe it was Supreme Court judges specifically, I don't remember, but it seems like the combination of control (not being bossed around or put on stupid projects!), authority, good pay, and a genuine interest in what they were doing - maybe? - all figured into to it? I think it's like that for some people in creative fields (acting, writing?) - people get to the point where they don't HAVE to work, but they keep going, because they enjoy it and get something out of it.

I want a job like that. I love learning. I like being productive and contributing. I think if I could just... "figure it out"... I could find something where I'd genuinely enjoy enough of the job that it wouldn't be such a huge drain. Because right now, the job feels like an anchor of negativity and depression that is just pulling me underwater, and while it might not always be happy rainbows and butterflies, I don't think it needs to feel so awful. I think that's a big sign that I'm doing something wrong, but for the life of me, I can not figure out how to fix it. So frustrating!

Isn't it horrible that so much seems to hinge on losing weight? But the losing weight part never seems to magically happen??

Last year I bought some temporary professional looking clothes. I'd had an impromptu meeting for some freelance work and I had nothing to wear. I went out and spent $$$ on some professional looking outfits... which I've never worn. I don't think they would fit today. I also 'invested' in some make up and beauty type things, which will probably be outdated before I use them up. I think I've mentioned before that I have issues remembering to brush my hair - remembering to do lipstick and powder and all that is too much.

I find the prospect of buying new fat clothes to be VERY motivating in terms of losing weight or at least maintaining a steady state. I hope that works for you also - there's nothing more depressing than having to spend a bunch of money on stuff that you want to not fit ASAP!

I really wonder if the people who love their jobs just have great jobs or the right (?) attitude towards their jobs. And, yeah, money, autonomy, creativity all help a lot - but I know people who enjoy working, who don't want to retire, who have kind of mediocre jobs. I have a neighbor in her 70s who does food prep for a gas station - she doesn't need the money, but she keeps the job!

The situation you are in is incredibly demoralizing. I think it's really easy to forget what a normal level of suckiness is like. You are in a dysfunctional environment. I think if you could get to a place where you trusted that it was them, not you, it would be easier to figure out what you need to do next.

Every single day I go into this place, I find something new to be shocked by. Today I walked in to get reamed out by someone claiming there were no video ports on a laptop I'd given him. He was fairly apoplectic about this. I pointed out the two that were there. I just took it away.

The weight stuff is horrible, and so uncomfortable, and really sad that our culture makes it even harder.

Last time I lost weight, it actually did happen pretty easily. It was awesome! That's part of what's frustrating, I felt like I had finally figured it out, and I understood how I needed to eat... and I wasn't starving, counting calories, exercising like a mad woman (I've done all those in the past). It just felt really good and was working. But, I can't seem to get back to that place... which is driving me crazy!

This week I'm trying something different. I'm having chocolate with breakfast (and at no other time during the day, to try to minimize its effect on my sleep), and some non-chocolate sweets (ice cream) at lunch, and nothing at dinner. I'm slowly weaning off the sugar, I think. It seems to be better than before (when I was eating sugar in a more out-of-control, all the time way) - even though it's obviously not perfect. It's much easier to avoid sugar at night when you know you'll have chocolate with breakfast And, it does seem to be helping my energy and mood a bit... I'm napping less, and less depressed (I think). So, we'll see!

Ugh, I agree that the prospect of buying more fat clothes is horrible. But, clothes shopping in general is exhausting and horrible! It should motivate me more... but somehow it doesn't. Maybe because I've got a ton of fat clothes that I put away when I lost weight, so... it seems like I'm just digging through all that and swapping out the stuff in my closet.

Not wearing the professional clothes that you got last year is kind of depressing. I hate feeling like I wasted money on stuff that I never got to wear, and now doesn't fit. I'm sorry! Do you feel like you need professional clothes now? Clothes, in general, are just difficult... nothing ever seems to fit right. I actually read that the clothing industry is moving towards few sizes (for example, using S/M/L rather than numbers), which means things fit badly for even more people.

I kind of still think that... if you're going into professional meetings and feeling stressed or bad about your clothes, it could be worth spending some money on new stuff. Even if it's only temporary. Because, hopefully, having nice, professional clothes that fit will help you feel more like the smart, professional person you are - which you'll then convey with how you talk and your body language, which will let you make a better impression. Maybe?

Oh, and... do you keep a brush in your purse? That can be a life saver! I did exactly what you're talking about once, and didn't realize it, I was so excited to go pick something up at the store that... I didn't realize that I hadn't brushed my hair. I had literally just grabbed it all up first thing in the morning, without brushing it, and tossed it in a huge barrette, so it looked like a very confused ponytail! (I didn't realize until I was leaving the store either, but I did brush it out a bit once I got to my car!)

And, wow. I'm sorry that guy was going crazy about the video ports. Did he say anything at all when you showed him the two that were there? That's just nuts. Maybe he was having a bad day and the video ports were the last thing that just pushed him over the edge, but still... that's not at all professional, and not called for. He could have simply sent you an email *asking* if the ports were there. Geez, that sounds awful.

Oh! I saw something today and thought about you, and how you've said that you have trouble projecting the right image. It's about body language, and how to come across as more "authoritative". Not sure if this will help at all, but it's really interesting: Power & Influence - Lean In

And... thank you so much for validating that it's a crazy, dysfunctional work environment here. I am trying to keep that in mind and trying to figure out what to do. I think maybe I just need a smaller goal... like pulling out examples of my work and putting together a portfolio. That would help me feel a bit more competent and prepared to talk to people about other jobs, I think.

That's really awesome that your 70-year old neighbor still enjoys her job doing food prep enough to keep at it! There's something really sweet about that image! Maybe it gets back... there are a LOT of things we CAN get from our jobs. Maybe she's getting a sense of self-value or community with the people she works with? Maybe she really feels like she's valued and is doing something that contributes to the company? I don't know - maybe you're right that it's partly attitude, but either way, I yearn for a job I can love and feel lucky that I "get to do", and feel... you know, proud of doing! *deep sigh*.

And yet again... we're just about to the weekend! I'm happy for that, but always slightly sad that another week has gone by where I haven't really *accomplished* anything with my life! Hope you have a fun weekend!

The last time I lost enough weight so that I was proportional, it was a slow, steady thing, too. I just walked for an hour or two every day and that seemed to do the trick. I think my diet now is much worse. I was pretty close to vegan then.

But that was about eight years ago. I quit smoking six or seven years ago, packed on 40 lbs again and have never lost more than 10-20 for any length of time. I've gotten sort of in shape for a couple of outdoorsy adventures, but once that's over, I just get fat again.

I'm glad the weaning works for you! I can see how knowing that you will have chocolate at breakfast can really help with keeping yourself away from sugar at dinner (and after!). One thing that I'm actually enjoying about working in the office is that I *don't* snack as much. They have free snacks there and I find myself raiding the stash at the same time every day. I think at home it is more of a continuous raid...

Something you said in your post just kind of reminded me that I have a really warped view of things (like getting dressed, LOL). I actually *could* be wearing nicer clothes than I do. I *have* clothes. I just don't pay enough attention to detail so they look sloppy on me. I am choosing to dress unprofessionally and then moaning about people not taking me seriously. Wow!

The hair brushing thing happens to me more often than not. I can't fit a brush in my purse, but I think I could and should stick one in my glove compartment.

That video was great, btw. I 'play low' all the time. The idea that being a bit more expansive can actually increase your testosterone levels is just bizarre. Maybe there really *is* something to yoga!

The stuff about the Howard/Heidi case study depresses me. It just feels hopeless. The deck is just stacked so high against getting ahead for so many people.

The guy going nuts about the video ports blamed someone else for giving him bad information -- a female, of course! I talked with her afterwards and we had an interesting conversation about the industry and frustrations of dealing with certain attitudes and personalities... this is the same person who had me look at his PC to tell him why it was slow. I identified the cause but he knows it isn't that, so he had me revert the changes. He wants me to find a new reason. It's like me telling the car mechanic that the problem can't be my transmission, it must be something cheaper like a blown fuse.

Putting together a portfolio sounds like a great mini-goal. I wonder how you could break down part of that into an hour long chunk, so it's not overwhelming? Your skills are very much in demand and very 'in.' You are in such a powerful place, but I think the years of being underutilized have really damaged your self-perception.

You are in a situation where if you *had* to find a job that would pay the bills and more or less maintain your standard of living, you could. I find that kind of knowledge really comforting. It's like an escape hatch - knowing where the exits are reduces the panic... and really points up, to me, that we are making *choices* to stay in these situations, but we have the choice to leave as well (not all career paths are so flexible).

I think my neighbor is actually a martyr, so my guess is that a lot of her enjoyment of the job comes in from getting called in I also think she is just incredibly social and loves the interaction...

And, yay for weekends! Mine starts today. We're heading out of town to an event I'm pretty excited about, but there's a lot of getting ready to do. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed again. Not sure if I mentioned it, but I was accepted into a new educational program I've wanted to do for a couple of years. Class is just once a week, but there goes another day, you know? And it's time again to decide whether or not I want to re-up that other class... which I am really uncertain about, again.

Yay! I hope you had fun at your event, and enjoyed getting away!

I was going to go tonight to the board game meetup... but yesterday, I was so exhausted and overwhelmed, and just no where near getting all the weekend stuff done. It sucks. Especially in the summers, being out in the sun/heat really just drains me... I am not a hot-weather person at all, and just literally feel like the energy is sucked out of me. I think I need to move some place cooler. Anyway, so I decided instead to sleep in today and skip the games so I can get stuff done around the house.

Good for you for quitting smoking! That's awesome! That's interesting that you felt healthier when you were a vegan. I was a vegetarian (for 20 long years!) and really, it feels like one of the worse decisions I've made. I wish I had not been so stubborn, and had quit long before I did. I think that, for me, as a vegetarian I was always eating too many carbs (even if I ate really healthy for a vegetarian) - it's just so carb-based. My body doesn't do well like that. On top of that, I strongly suspect part of my long-term depression (and I used to be MUCH more depressed) was from not getting enough protein (tryptophan converts into serotonin, so if you're not getting enough protein, you're probably not getting enough tryptophan, and thus not able to make serotonin - yikes.) Oh well, live and learn.

I'm glad I triggered you to remember that you have nicer clothes, and can dress it up a bit at the office if you want to! It is kind of funny how we can just forget about stuff like that.

Glad you liked the video! I play low all the time too. I'm actually really uncomfortable, I think, playing high... it feels very domineering and rude to me. I thought she made a good point about when to use it, and only doing it when you actually were in a position of leadership, or when leadership is open and you're trying to win it. And, ugh, yeah, the Howard/Heidi thing is so incredibly depressing. But, the good part was that despite that bias, Heidi *was* successful ! So, it's not impossible! And, I think *everyone* has something working against them.

Oh wow, video-port-guy sounds like such an idiot. Really, he had you revert the changes you made to speed up his computer because he didn't believe you? Did he even TRY using it with the changes? Were the changes otherwise noticeable or inconvenient to him? What an idiot. Dealing with him must be such a test of your patience

Thanks for the encouragement about the portfolio and jobs. It's funny, but it doesn't *feel* that way (like I could get another job quickly if I *had* to.) But, I keep quite a bit in an emergency fund, so I try not to worry too much about that. I'll probably just start by trying to look through my old work and see what I can use... there's just not as much as I'd like on the design side (or that's all that recent). But surely I can pick out a couple things.

Oh! And - re: keeping a brush with you. That's a great idea to keep one in the car. But, have you seen the fairly small ones that they make just for your purse? I can't remember where I got mine, maybe Ulta? But the handle is *just* big enough to get your hand around, and the brush isn't much bigger. Or you could try a comb? It's just nice to have *something* with you, so if it's the middle of the day and you walk in to the bathroom and notice that your hair has managed to go into wild mode (as mine likes to do), you can beat it back into something resembling submission!

Ugh, I'm so tired feeling today... not sure how I'm going to get stuff done, I kind of want to curl back up in bed and just watch TV and play with my tablet! Hope you had a fun weekend, and congratulations on getting into the program that you applied to! Sorry for the stress it's causing you, but I'm glad you got in!

This may not actually help the two of you but.... When I had to walk out on my contract, I stopped eating. That helped with the weight loss! A kick start anyway. Now I am having to find a way to keep going in the right direction, even though my appetite has returned. Part of the problem seems to be negative self talk and part chronic fatigue.

One trick that does seem to work for me is being busy at meal times. And no restaurants, which always serve either the wrong calories or too many calories er serving.

Maybe I simply enjoy feeling hungry! That would feed into (pun intended) my general feeling that I am a bad person and should be punished for being alive.

:? H.

Chocaholic, I think you are right that negative self talk plays a big part in this. I know that I can easily tell myself that there's no point in eating right since I am already so fat. What's another 500 calories? I hope you can start to feel better about yourself. Regaining your appetite sounds like a good thing, in some ways!

My weekend was really great. It was the kind of weekend that makes me ask myself why on earth I'm still working for this company even though I don't want to be. The event this weekend was the kind of thing I want to be doing, the kind of people I want to be around.

I hope it cools off where you are. I am the same way with the heat. In the heart of the summer, it feels too hot to even go to the beach. Relaxing and getting stuff done around the house in the AC sounds like a good alternative to getting sun stroke

Yes, I felt better as a vegan/almost vegan. I think it actually has less to do with not eating meat than it has to do with not eating processed foods. I made just about everything from scratch. No meat substitutes, no prepared items. If I wanted bread, I made it from scratch. I ate a lot of whole grains but no white flour, no white sugar.

I would like to do an experiment at some point this year where I spend a week only eating what I've grown or foraged myself, but life gets complicated enough without making silly rules, I guess... and I don't have any kind of home grown fat or oil, which would really limit my preparation.

Have you ever kicked sugar 100%? I did that for a week last year or the year before. It was *amazing* how sick I felt the first time I ate ice cream after that. I couldn't even finish it. Maybe that's something else to start up. My boyfriend took a photo of me this weekend when I wasn't looking and I was pretty horrified at how fat I looked, so I am feeling some motivation to change my diet and exercise habits.

Playing high seems rude to me, also. It's like those jerks on the subway who take up too much room or the people who don't move out of your way on the sidewalk. I don't want to be that kind of person. I guess where I am now, I am not in a leadership position at all. I just feel so discouraged now whenever I go in there. I am treated like an employee, an employee who is low on the totem pole. I am helpdesk. It's horrible. I wanted to be a consultant. And that stupid video-port-guy has been complaining about me. It's a kind of ugly situation now.

Thanks for the tip Chocoholic. I've read that not eating can sometimes help stop hunger (once your body figures out you're not going to get any food, it's not productive to drive you crazy with hunger), but I'm a bit wary of going down that route. I really want to try to focus on health... it's just so hard when, honestly, food/sugar is a coping mechanism for dealing with everything else. I definitely agree though, it's much easier to avoid snacks and junk food if I can stay busy!

Hvert, I'm glad you had such a wonderful weekend! Do you think it's going to help you move from where you're at to where you want to be? You sound so happy and excited about the event you went to, and then when you talk the current job, it sounds so miserable and deflating. I hope you can find something more inline with your skills and talents soon to transition to (well, I hope we both can!)

I think you're right about the processed foods. I've been moving in that direction too, there's just so much *crap* in processed foods. It's just that... cooking everything from scratch (and cleaning up after!) takes SO much time. I'm trying to find ways to streamline where I can, but, it's still hard.

Your idea for an experiment sounds interesting, but really hard too! I'm pretty content if I can stick with just buying "ingredients" and not processed stuff.

I don't know that I 100% kicked sugar in the past. I had gotten pretty comfortable with no sugar (including breads and grain products, with pretty limited fruit even) 6 days a week, and then 1 "cheat day". That's how I lost the weight pretty easily. I did feel really good doing that, I slept SO much better, it was amazing. I don't think there's any other point in my life where I slept so well, would get tired at an appropriate time, fall asleep quickly, and then wake up actually feeling refreshed. These days, with the sugar, I wake up feeling like I've been run over by a truck (and that's pretty much been true most of my life).

I agree, I don't want to be rude (re: playing high). But I really want to be able to summon some "presence" when it's needed, and better stand my ground. I feel very pushed around by the world . Like, I'm *always* the one who gets out of the way on the sidewalk, it's almost like people just don't see me.

The really sucks about the job, I'm sorry. It feels like... you were moving in such a good direction by starting your own company and selling yourself as a consultant, and then you got sucked into the craziness of this job, and now you're dealing with the likes of video-port-guy. Argh! I'm frustrated for you! Keep selling your company and looking for a way out! I *know* there has to be a better match for you out there!

When I go a week without junk and then do the cheat day, I feel kind of sick. I feel like I am addicted to the crap. Just eating a little bit makes me want a lot more. I can't tell you how many times I have given up soda and failed. Just one drink in a restaurant and I am back to guzzling cans...

I am not sure that the weekend will really help me get to where I want to be, but what a wonderful reminder! Things just seemed so much clearer, what I wanted and didn't want. Not occupationally, exactly, more lifestyle.

The job, yeah, it's just blah at best and irritating at worst. It's not the worst job I've had - the nasty people are universally known to be nasty, so if I choose to ignore their demands, it just gets sucked up into a political power play that is much bigger than I am. The work itself is mostly tedious, 95% tactical, 5% strategic, and the strategic stuff takes MONTHS to push through. It just doesn't even feel worth the effort.

I had lunch with the friend who brought me to this place to compare notes. We're both on the same page. I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel - and we both have the same struggle with letting go. She told me that now she just puts it out there, makes a recommendation, then lets it go. It's as hard for her to do that as it is for me. We also both wonder how much of our experience is related to being female in a 98% male organization. You just can't participate in the same way.

I swear that my boyfriend *aims* for people on the sidewalk. Not on purpose, but subconsciously (he does not think he does this). I think it started when we were traveling and kept running into tourists from a certain country who would not move an inch. He decided to just do the same and it turns out you slam right into them, LOL.

I feel okay walking on the sidewalk. I don't really like bumping into people, so if I have to move, that's all right. If I don't feel like moving and brush against someone, that's all right too. I don't think slamming into people is a good idea, but I can see how someone might prefer that. You could always give it a try and see which you like best Your work situation provides a lot of food for feeling invisible...

Did you ever get your mother's visit over with?

Your boyfriend slams into people while walking! Oh, wow! Talk about "playing high" - I don't think I could go that far. Though, sometimes, I've just *stopped* and stood still. For some reason, people who aren't willing to move out of the way for a moving target will avoid you if you're just standing there. It's usually me just freezing and not being able to figure out which way to go when there are too many people all over the place. Ugh, people!

When I (regularly) stay away from sugar/carbs and do weekly cheat days, I do OK. I can overdo it and feel sick, but I feel like it's self-correcting, I try to not go crazy and make myself sick, and I tolerate some sugar just fine. Even if I do go a bit crazy, it tends to make me happy/eager to get back to eating healthy for the next 6 days. I think that the "delay" part was working well for me and helpful in sticking with it (i.e. "Yes, you can have your cheesecake/chocolate... just not until Saturday"). But, I'm so far off course, I'm out of the habit of not eating sugar now, and trying to stop again is pretty tortuous! I think it worked better before because things in my life were less awful. It's hard now, because work is just dragging me down.

So, we had a meeting earlier this week to talk about the future of our group. We're doing more external consulting, and our leadership loves what we're doing and is super excited by it. But, right now, it's all kind of superficial - we go in, figure out what's going on, and come up with a bunch of cool concepts for what they should do. Our graphics folks sketch them up, and we put it in a power point and present. The idea is to win business with this, to get them to say yes so we can build out the concepts.

But, part of this discussion was how my boss doesn't want us to do all that "stupid IA work" (of building things out) - he wants to just do concepting (yes, this is SO him), and if we win business, to hand it over to another team to design/build. That "stupid IA" work is WHAT I DO. Right now, I'm getting pulled into stuff like (as you know) - taking notes, putting together the power points, and writing up the copy for the presentations (because "wow, Guilloche is SO good at writing copy!").

This was pretty offensive, as I'm sure you can imagine. The team was actually a little worried that if we hand things over to another team, they'll screw up our concepts. I stopped him and suggested that we might consider building to the first release then handing things over to someone else to maintain (since that's the thing we really want to avoid). I pointed out that, "This way, those of who DO the 'stupid IA' will actually have work to do, instead of sitting around putting together power points". It's like he didn't get it at all. His response was basically, "everyone at this table is way too seasoned to be bothered with this stuff, I hate to have you guys waste your time on it, maybe we can hire new IAs who are 'greener' who can do this part."

I just wanted to put my head through the table at that point. Really, why do I bother? Talk about in one ear and out the other. I wanted to jump and say, "Dude! Do you really not get it? Did you not just hear me say that that's the stuff I do well, and want to do, and can do, and am happy to do, and you're talking about hiring other people to do it? What the heck is the matter with you?"

Nobody gets it. One of the women, who I like and get along with, said something like, "oh come on, you did more on that project than just take everybody else's graphics and put them in a power point" and I wanted to say, "not really - a good secretary could have done this!"

Oh, and my boss talked about how everybody on the team is creative, EXCEPT for me and the other woman who does research. Because you know, researchers can't be creative... I actually stopped him there too and said, "Excuse me? You don't think I'm creative?" and he said, "well, you know what I mean."

Ugh, it's so horrible! The only good thing was... I had therapy that day, and it's really the first therapy session in a long time where I had something going on in my life to talk about, and it was so fresh that I was able to just blab and blab and blab. My therapist actually said, "wow, this is the most open I've seen you be in here" - and I said, "well, duh - this just happened a couple hours ago! Usually my life is boring and there's nothing to talk about, but this is something!"

So, yeah, I need to put together that portfolio and start focusing in on what I want to do and where I can go do it, and see if there's any way to network more at my job and meet people from other groups. I so much wanted to ask my boss what team we plan to hand these concepts off to (to build), because I'd really like to go work for them instead.

Phew. Thanks for letting me rant. Today's been crazy, because suddenly there are 17 different things people want me to do. One is actually a cool project that I think will be great to get back involved in, but I need to get my software upgraded to work on it, and that's turning out to be a nightmare, of course. Everything is just stupid stuff, but it has to get done.

Oh, and nope - my mom's visit is sometime in July. I'm not sure when (!) - I need to double check my emails, or ask her. Her bday is coming up, so I'll talk to her then and maybe try to get clarification. At this point, I'm not planning to take time off, so it will need to be dinner. Since she'll have her friend, I don't feel guilty at all about that, they can go out during the day and see the town, I'm sure they'll have fun and find plenty to do. Limiting to just going out for dinner doesn't stress me out as much as her staying here would, so I'm not worrying too much.

Anyway, I'm glad you got to have fun at the event and that it was such a clear reminder of what you want to be doing. That's really great! It's nice to have that sense of clarity, when everything usually feels so muddy!

And, glad to hear that your job is at least bearable, because it sounds pretty awful! So, video-port-guy's complaining isn't causing you problems (I hope!)? That's good to hear, it sounded a little worrisome. Glad your friend was validating what you're feeling about the company, but it still doesn't sound like the best place to be!

Ugh. Work is just so frustrating right now. I need to figure out a way out. I wish I had gotten out earlier!!!

OMG, my eyebrows raised and my jaw dropped at least twice while reading your message. Every time I get to the part where you aren't creative, it happens again. What a jerk. Yes, you need to get out. It doesn't have to happen tomorrow, but taking a step every day that leads you out the door or at least away from this insane boss is the right thing to do, absolutely.

Is there anyone in your group who is sort of leader-y and ambitious? What if you found an ally who was interested in leading a team that would do the first release? Ugh, your boss just sounds so stupid. How do companies get stuff done, really???

And is there anything wrong with asking your boss which team will be doing the first release and seeing if he can get you transferred? He seems to have such a problem listening that I can't imagine he'll actually hear you... and your company sounds like the kind of place that changes their mind every twenty minutes, so if you did join that team, I could see them deciding *that* team would do the concepts.

But is there a downside to getting off your boss' team?

The idea of just standing there and letting people walk around you is an interesting one. I am truly embarrassed to be walking around with someone who aims for people. I have asked him to stop and he insists he's not doing it. I guess that's his psychodrama to work out - sooner or later he'll get bored with it, I hope.

I hope that we can all summon up the will to make these changes we want or at least move in the right direction. I went to another event that's more in line with the lifestyle I'm interested in (and got terribly sun burned). One thing both these events had in common was no internet. I turned off the tv ten years ago and my life expanded. I still can't figure out how to do that with the internet. I was in the garden yesterday googling what was killing my plants - so amazing to have this power in our hands, but what a time suck it can be!

Oh, a friend of mine commented that the last time I went to last week's conference, I came home with the same crazy ideas. That was a few years ago

"OMG, my eyebrows raised and my jaw dropped at least twice while reading your message."

Ha! Thanks... yeah, you should have seen me in the meeting. It was definitely surreal. And, nope, we don't really have anyone that would make a good leader in the group. Most of us have specifically said that we don't want to move up into management jobs, because we don't want to deal with managing people!

There's actually one person that I think would love to be a leader, but she's... well, not well-suited for it. So I don't want to encourage her!

I don't think there'd be a problem with pitching to my boss that I move to the team that would be doing the entire design, except, we have no clue what team that will be at this point, or if we're going to actually do this. We're still trying to figure out the process and it's all in flux.

Meanwhile, I'm banging my head against the corporate wall trying to figure out how to upgrade some software that I've got, so I can share files with my co-workers who apparently all have a newer version. You would not believe the amount of emails and trying to get this sorted out... it should not be so hard!

Anyway... it's really intriguing that your BF seems to be trying to run into people, but isn't consciously aware of it! That must be crazy to see in person! Do you think it's everyone, or does he have a type? Like, maybe he let's woman have their space, but tries to run over guys close in age to him because it feels more competitive?

Awesome that you were able to go to another event - sorry about the sunburn though! I hope it's not too awful, and that you heal fast! I am totally with you about the internet - it's amazing and fantastic and incredibly useful, but I've just started noticing that I do feel better (less depressed) when I manage to spend some time disconnected each day. I bet the gardening is a huge help in spending time offline, it seems so *grounded* (no pun intended!) and real (versus virtual).

I hope you've managed to get your software upgrade by now! It really shouldn't be that hard. Lots of things shouldn't be hard, but they always seem to be...

Have you taken any small step towards creating your portfolio? I worked for an hour last week or the week before on the software project I think is my ticket out of a day job, but nothing since.

My BF aims at everyone (god forbid he sees this site - he insists it is in my imagination. I have offered to film.) He doesn't change course that dramatically (except for the obnoxious tourists), but where you and I would slightly adjust to avoid a crash, he slightly adjusts to cause one - even if the other person is moving out of the way!

I opted not to sign up for my pottery class again and I am still not sure if it was the right decision. Leaving it was awkward - I just kind of left like I always do. Only a couple of people knew I was taking a break. I started wavering because the class may be canceled if not enough people sign up, but last night was a good illustration of one reason why I chose not to: I have to finish all of my work before the session ends. None of my pieces had been fired! I had a three hour class with nothing to do and it's not clear the stuff will be ready to finish before I am officially unenrolled. They have been extremely slow moving things through the pipeline this session.

I am quitting stuff left and right, which is good, I think. I am so tired of some of the volunteer stuff.