Feel Trapped Into Accepting Job

I talked to my friend. She says the contract changes will be no problem and that they'll be thankful I redid it for them. I'm starting this week, but not tomorrow because people will probably stay home due to weather and the football game!

Now that it's really happening, I'm kind of looking forward to it. It's been a long time since I had income--- and it's really exciting to be able to finally fund the company I incorporated so long ago! I can put myself on payroll - how crazy is that?!

Excellent, congratulations! I'm glad you were able to reach your friend, and that everything is going forward -that's wonderful! Good luck with the new position, and congrats on being able to fund your company!

The "natural abilities" test I took was from the Highlands Company ( The Highlands Company ) - I actually went through a career coach though, not directly through the company. It was really interesting, but I haven't found a good way to apply it. I think that's because I need to get my personal crap in line first (i.e. therapy). I think until I get my stuff sorted out, career counseling isn't going to be helpful!

Take a look though, it's really interesting stuff - and I'm *sure* there are things there that you'd score high on. They also make the point that "high" isn't always better. Some things have good strengths associated with either end of the spectrum, i.e. "idea productivity" is how quickly your mind comes up with new ideas (not necessarily *good* ones, just the volume of ideas). It's great if you're teaching, for example, and need to quickly think of different ways to explain something to a student who is not getting it. But, for a surgeon - you want someone with low idea productivity, because you want them to be super-focused, and not thinking about 30 other things while they're working on you!

Congrats again, I'm glad that you're looking forward to starting! Good luck, it sounds like they really need you there!

I worked for a company that sold those sorts of assessments! We had to take the questionnaires on a regular basis -- I remember that I consistently scored very low on having respect for authority

How did the Highlands test measure pitch discrimination? I wonder what practical application that has. Wow, now I'm really curious about this one - it's very different from most of what is on the market.

*That* is a business to be in. They make money selling the tests, certification courses, aggregate data sales - and it's very, very low overhead once you have the questionnaire itself.

I am so curious about how this job will turn out.

Oh wow, how interesting that you used to work for a company that did that sort of thing! The thing that was neat about the Highlands test is that they actually give you a whole slew of tests to do... they call them work-samples, rather than asking you to self-assess. When I took it (many years ago!) I actually could do it at home, on my computer. Pitch discrimination was measured by playing two pitches that were either the same, or very very close together (less than a half-note - super tiny difference). I think (iirc) you had to say if they were the same, or if the 2nd was higher or lower. It was supposed to give an indication of how "picky" or "sensitive" you are to details, but frankly, I think I should have scored higher (I'm super picky and detail oriented, but only scored in the 60th percentile. For most of these, 65% was the lower cutoff for "high" - I think.)

It also may have been wrong b/c I didn't use headphones (duh) and had crappy speakers. Or, I may have just gotten confused lol. They don't give you a lot of time, because they want to be able to really assess how well you do.

It was interesting to take, and I still have my results, but I just haven't been able to apply it. One thing they do is send you a report with how different combinations of skills might work together, in either a specific domain (like obviously if you score high in rhythm memory, tonal memory, and pitch discrimination - it's a good clue that you might enjoy and be good at music!) but also in work styles.

Hmm... I can't find that separate report, but my main report shows, for example, that I'd be great at strategic planning, consultative problem solving, general research, writing... and a few other things, but terrible at making contact with others, motivating (!), selling (ok all three of those have to because of the introvert score) -and "managing, structural and engineering".

One thing that I learned that really fit for me was... Highlands has 5 abilities that they call the driving abilities. The idea is that these are so important to people that if you score high in any of them, you really *need* an outlet for it, even if it's not your job, or you won't be happy. I scored in the high range for 4 of the 5 (the 5th one was the ability to visualize 3d objects and manipulate them in your head... bottom 5% for me there, no surprise, lol!) The coach I worked with mentioned that he sees this alot, and it makes it difficult for someone to find really good, satisfying work - because it's hard to find jobs that let you use all those abilities. He also warned me that I'd probably be miserable as a manager... good managers tend to be low in driving abilities, because they need to focus on helping their employees do their best work, not on doing their own thing. That made sense to me.

Really fascinating stuff though. I'm feeling old today. I really wish I had been able to make this stuff work for me way back when I did the testing. I'm kind of depressed, as I just got a copy of an old psych consult from 2001 that I had done, and I wish I had been able to fix my issues then. But, I kind of got shuffled around through several different therapists, and finally gave up and just sort of went heads-down into work mode (at a job that I don't really like or care about!). It's been great for becoming more stable, but... *sigh* I feel old and like things are never going to really be better. Sorry, don't mean to dump on you, just struggling a bit here lately.

Good luck tomorrow! Hopefully you're already off to sleep so you can be well-rested for your first day! Hopefully, since you've already done work for this company, it's not too stressful. I hope it goes smoothly, and they don't spring any more surprises on you!

I'll be thinking of you, and hope everything goes well. Hey, at least you've already had lots of good learning experiences, right?

Take care!

I wonder what kind of results you would get if you took the test again. One of the things I found interesting about our products was that the one that was supposed to be a reflection of our more permanent inclinations (as opposed to a measurement of behaviors) actually *changed* for me over the course of a few years. Some things stayed the same, but others were much different. All the changes made sense when I sat and thought about them, but I wasn't expecting them.

I also found that the 'proof' that the product worked better than a Cosmo quiz was rather slim. The statistics we had to back up our stuff were all self-referential. I know there's a more official word for it but I can't think of what it is. In any case, if you scored in the 5th percentile of X, all that really showed was that you scored in the 5th percentile. There was no research backing up the claims that people in the 5th percentile were more likely to succeed at Y - it was more just based on common sense. I figured out that our formulas calculating some percentiles had been wrong for at least 8 years!

I hope you can stop feeling bad about not taking care of things in 2001. It's easy to look back and see how obvious it was that we should have done this or that, but it wasn't obvious to us then. If it was and if we had been in a position to do it, we would have. You did what made sense at the time.

You aren't *that* old and things can always get better. The job thing sounds like it has been a big issue for you for a while now. Have you tried interviewing elsewhere, just to see if the grass is greener and to reassure yourself that you have options and are simply choosing to stay? Still no word from your friend?

My day was ... a day. It's extremely horrifying to see what I have forgotten. It's been four years since I've worked in this kind of technical environment. It's embarrassing to have someone standing over your shoulder telling you to do something pretty simple and not remember how! I don't think it sounds that good to say 'oh wow, it's been a long time,' but I did anyway!

I'm also in this quandary because they want me to do something repetitive. I know I could automate it, but I've never automated this kind of thing before and the deadline is tight - so I am probably going to go with the repetitive process, but I feel like I am SO SLOW.

Also, I don't like working. I just don't like it. I don't like being trapped in an office. This is the first time I have not had my own office since 2002. I don't have a window. I'm only part time, so whatever - but I really hope I find some alternative sources of income by the summer so I can work from home on my patio.

Selling and introversion maybe don't go together, but going back to something that is very much like a day job really makes me feel like I can overcome that...

I'm glad you survived your first day, and really glad that's it's just a part-time thing! It sounds like it's not the most fun place to be. Do you feel like the things that you've forgotten will come back pretty quickly as you do them again? I'd be stressed too, but hopefully you'll "settle in" quickly and feel a bit more in control of everything!

The repetitive stuff sounds like a drag! Hopefully it's not an ongoing thing you need to do?

re: the testing... wow - the formulas for calculating the percentiles had been wrong for 8 years? Really?! Yikes! Scary! I don't know with the Highlands stuff, I know that they say they've done a lot of testing, but I never actually read through any of it... I will say that spatial relations stuff (where I scored so low) made total sense to me. I'm really genuinely terrible at it... I had trouble even figuring out what they were asking on the questions, if I remember right. In college, I remember standing outside the dorm one day when a friend pointed up and said, "there's my room!" - and I said - "um, how do you know?" LOL. I still have trouble, in my tiny townhouse, figuring out what things on the first and second floor overlap! I can figure out the front and back (because of the windows), but the stairs (and the turn at the top) just totally confound my brain! It's kind of funny, and makes me appreciate how hard other things (that I might find easy) are for other people.

Thanks for all the kind words, I appreciate it. It's rough right now. And, no... I haven't really interviewed anywhere else. Last year I was keeping an eye on job postings in my area, but nothing ever came up that looked interesting. Everything seemed like it was more of the same, and it didn't make sense to me to go through the stress of possibly changing jobs for a job that I didn't feel excited about from day 1! I think I'm like you - I've never really liked having a job. It's not that I don't like "working" - I like working on all sorts of things, especially where I can really dig in and solve interesting problems. I just hate everything that goes into having a job, especially at a big company with a lot of bureaucratic nonsense. *sigh*. And, it's always been that way. Even though I'm working from home, I'm still not enjoying it!

I hope this stuff comes back! I am going to have to review some of it this weekend. I'm starting to feel more confident even not being able to remember it all right away -- these people are SO far behind the curve. I wouldn't say that it is worse than I expected, but I am amazed at the broken systems people put up with when they don't have the time/inclination/anyone managing things.

My boss is not hard to deal with at all so far. He seems like someone who might like the Grateful Dead. I don't think he actually does, but he has that kind of temperament. Extremely relaxed. I can see why he took so long to get back to me.

I am REALLY enjoying adding a line to my invoice each night when I get home. I have been living a very minimalistic lifestyle for so long that it doesn't take a lot to excite me.

I also have trouble with spatial memory! I can parallel park if I have to, but I would rather walk a bit farther than try to squeeze in. I am not sure if it is spatial or not, but my brain can't work out how to drive a manual. I think it's because it takes me so much energy to focus on the driving part that I can't sacrifice that tiny bit more to think about shifting/rpms. I sort of know which room is over which, but I do have to stop and work it out.

When you were looking at job postings, did *any* look interesting, even stuff you aren't qualified for or wouldn't really want to do? I agree that it doesn't make sense to change jobs if you aren't really interested in the new job, but going on interviews is still good. It's practice for when you are suddenly presented with a wonderful opportunity - and you also never know! The new job may give you a lot more money, just because you asked, and have better benefits. Some small companies are *crazy* with their benefits.

But, yeah - day jobs just kind of suck. There is so much neat stuff to do. I was just talking with a neighbor who does welding - he works six weeks straight and then takes 3 months off. We were both talking about how we want to work for as little as possible to make enough money to support our hobbies and pay our bills. Why not? I am not sure exactly what you do, but I can guess that it's the kind of skill that pays well and is in demand. That gives you a huge amount of flexibility.

I found it very hard to step off the path four years ago when I was in an extremely toxic work situation. I can't tell you how *right* that was. It's like I know that I am not the kind of person who can have a day job - and maybe sometimes I have to have one, but long term, that is not my path. I certainly didn't use my time as wisely as I could have and I still haven't really found my path, but breaking myself of the idea that I have to have a dayjob to live has been huge. People look at me like I am crazy when I openly admit that I have no intention of doing a day job long term ever again, but I really mean it.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I was okay with that much risk.

I'm really surprised to hear that your boss is so relaxed! That's great, hopefully that means he stays out of your way and lets you do what you need to! I'm sure everything will come back as you start doing it, and I bet you'll end up looking like a hero for bringing order to all the chaos that it sounds like they've got going on. And, your friend will look brilliant for recommending you!

And, I can totally understand how adding lines to your invoice would be exciting! Of course!

When I was looking at jobs online, I think there were a few that looked interesting, but they weren't local to me. I think I'd like to work for a company doing something interesting, with good values. The place I'm at now is a mega-monster-huge type company, and it's just depressing. I don't fit in at all.

It's really weird, because I was in the office briefly today to sit in on another interview, and afterwards as we talked, it was obvious that the other women in our group really like it. They talked about what a fun team we are, and how everybody is friends. I just feel like I'm in bizarro world, sometimes! I don't know how my sense of reality can be so completely different from everyone else... although I think it's because the people who I got along with and who thought more like me have all left the group! Of course these people are happy, they're the ones that liked the group and stayed!

I love what you said about getting out of the toxic day-job routine, but there's still the question of - how? I have a decent emergency fund, but not enough to hold out until I can actually retire (and a decent amount in my retirement accounts, but I'm not yet old enough to start tapping it!) I used to think I'd be ok with a job that paid less, but that was a better job/environment (less toxic). But, I don't know what that could be - I think most corporations are just as screwed up. I do think that getting a great boss can make a huge difference, because the only time I really felt better about work was when I had a boss who was really good... easy to get along with, but also the right amount of friendliness for me (I still keep in touch with him). Otherwise, I feel like it's crazy to walk away from some of the perks that I have now... like working from home, and the vacation time.

I don't know. I know I mentioned it before, but I also feel like... gosh, if I could just figure out how to get therapy working for me.... I know there's stuff that needs fixing, and I'm in a good, stable place to do that... but the therapy part just makes no sense to me at all... so I'm not getting anything out of it right now. Blah!

I do think that seriously, a job that paid enough for me to pay my bills but only required 3 days a week of work - would be wonderful. Even if I had to go into an office, it would be enough structure and "getting things done" to keep me from never leaving the house but with a bit more free time for fun things, and for trying to cook healthy foods and exercise, which takes up too much time when you have a full-time job!

Oh! And the spatial memory thing - that's funny that you're like that too! Yeah, I never learned to drive a stick at all, and really don't parallel park. When I went on the work trip in the fall... my coworker made me do all the driving (long story). Except - she wanted us to go out to the beach after work one night. We did... but we actually pulled over, changed places, and I let her parallel park, b/c there was just *no way* I even wanted to try, lol! So not my thing... and I really didn't want to get in accident, with a rental car, while on a work trip. Nope!

Well, happy weekend! We survived another week! Are you doing anything fun this weekend? I'm trying to get some cooking and cleaning done (so not fun!) and maybe see if my ankle can handle a tiny bit of walking, so I can get out. Two days is just not long enough to relax at the end of the week, at a minimum, I think we should all move towards a mandatory 3-day weekend!!!

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Hello!

I understand the situation you are going through.
As tough as it is to hear, you have to simply work through the situation at the toxic job while finding another job.

As soon as you find a new position that has formally invited you to join the company, you can resign at your current job. Remember, it is always incredibly easier to find a new job if you still have another one!

Good luck!!

I will be really curious to see how it plays out with this guy. He has been very nice and thankful the two days I've been there. He doesn't care when I come in (time or days). He seems disorganized and reactive, not a planner at all. I am crossing my fingers that he is just so excited to have this stuff off his plate that he leaves me alone to do what needs to be done... but there are also some signs to the contrary, so we'll see.

Your realization that you just don't fit in with your group because all the people you did like moved on is really interesting. Do you know why those women think your group is fun? From your description, it sounds pretty tedious - not enough to do, a scatterbrained boss who likes doing the work better than managing, semi-isolation/team-disconnect as a result of working from home. Are these fun people working together more closely?

In terms of stepping away from the day job, it was definitely a process. I saved 2-3 years of living expenses excluding my retirement accounts. I grew up poor and have miser tendencies, so that part of it comes easily to me. I started teaching myself to tolerate risk by gambling in the stock market.

I also had confidence that I would be able to get any sort of job to pay my bills if it came down to it – and I have *always* wanted to have my own business, at least as far back as my undergrad days.

I walked away from a job that had some pretty good benefits. 3-5 weeks vacation/sick time, free parking in the heart of downtown, a ‘nice’ office and building, free health insurance, bonuses that were sometimes 10% of my salary… but it was still a miserable job and they were starting to claw back some of those things. Even though the money was good, I was still underpaid for what I did – but stupidly believed that I couldn’t do better and had no idea what the market rates actually were for my work.

At the time I ‘mutually separated’ from that horrible job (unemployment!), I felt like any other job I took would be less money with worse perks. Now I will probably have the same net base salary while only working three days a week – and no unpaid overtime!
I’m not trying to talk you into quitting your job – there are some definite advantages to it, but the advantages are also disadvantages (working from home (isolating), not enough work (demotivating)). I just found that in hindsight, I wish I’d had courage to change my situation sooner. Just because your job looks good on paper or makes rational sense doesn’t mean that it’s actually good for *you.*

Anyway, just being open to possibilities, open to the idea that maybe if you are unhappy with this job, it’s okay to look for another one even if that doesn’t ‘make sense.’ I agree that all corporations are screwed up in one way or another, but it’s easier to live with some kinds of dysfunction. Maybe it’s time to give that woman a call? It’s been over a month since the holidays ended. What if she hasn’t gotten back to you because she is slammed with work and would jump at the chance to have you transfer?!

I’ve done the same thing with parallel parking, had someone else do it for me I actually get worried about getting *out* of spots, so I prefer to do it myself. And what about car ferries?!

I volunteered for a conference last summer. I got there and they handed me keys to a huge pickup truck and told me to drive somewhere. I refused! I drive a small car and couldn’t imagine driving a pick up truck, especially in a place that was unfamiliar!

Someone hit and run my car yesterday and obliterated my side mirror. Given that and the cold, I am probably going to spend this weekend mostly indoors, maybe brushing up on some networking stuff I’ve long since forgotten… but I am already feeling stir crazy and have a few errands I want to run. I hope your cooking and cleaning goes well!

Oh no, I'm sorry that your car got hit! Are you OK? Were you not in it? What a pain, I hate dealing with car stuff, especially damage from accidents... I hope that you can get it fixed up quickly.

And, I'm still stunned that this guy seems to be so relaxed! I never would have guessed! I hope it continues, and he lets you work in peace

Ah, the other women that I was talking to. Three of them are project-manager types, so they work together in the office (with rare telecommuting), and apparently have plenty of work to do. They also report to someone different (I think one of them is currently acting as their manager, and then she would report to my boss' boss.) So, it's a very different environment.

The last person does the same kind of work as me, but she reports directly to my boss' boss (so she's a peer to my boss). So, she gets included on tons of interesting things, because she sits at a higher level in the food chain! This current project... the only reason I'm on it is because *she* requested me!

It was mostly the PMs talking about how much fun they have though. It's just weird... I feel like I'm so in the wrong place. And, I feel a little miffed that there's the potential for fun in our group, and that my boss' inability to actually manage the team well is like a wet blanket for all of us under him, and that nobody seems to get that.

"I also had confidence that I would be able to get any sort of job to pay my bills if it came down to it" - ahhh! I bet that was a huge help! I don't feel that sense of confidence at all... I feel like, I've had trouble getting jobs in the past and I don't know if I could just find *something* to pay the bills, if I had to. It scares me!

I do *love* the idea of working for myself though, either freelancing or having my own business, but as I've gotten older... I guess I've known enough people with their own businesses who have told me cautionary tales to scare me a little. Heck, even my therapist... when I told him that I had 3 weeks off for Christmas, told me he was a little jealous!

I guess too... I want something that I can really enjoy doing and feel like I'm doing a good job. And, I don't know what that is (*pulling out my hair with frustrating here*). It's that whole, "where do I fit in to the world" problem!

But it is fascinating to hear that you're making the same amount of money for 3-day work-weeks now! That's great!

And, thanks. That all makes sense. I'm trying to remain open to possibilities! I sort of think though that, given how I feel about everything, if I change jobs - it's going to be a big change, for the chance to do something different. Maybe... I'm just not even sure that I'm in the right field, *argh*.

re: The woman... hmmm maybe. I'm still hoping to connect with my friend, and see if she can find out what's gong on. The plan, I think, was supposed to be for my friend to keep working (but remotely from the new location), and for me to help her by taking over some of the stuff that needs to be done in person. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm not getting much done today. I'm trying to get back onto my healthy eating plan (basically no junk food 6 days a week, then 1 cheat day) - I've been eating way too much chocolate to cope with stress, and each time I try to stop, I go through some weird kind of withdrawal. My head is *killing* me, and I'm going to go curl back up in bed and catch up on the DVR I think!!! At least it's 5pm here now! I've pretty much made it through the day! One day down!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, good luck getting your errands done!

The car thing is *so* annoying, but otherwise not a big deal. I found a new mirror from a junk yard on eBay for $40 and I think we can figure out how to swap it out. There’s one highway on-ramp that is pretty scary without mirrors, it turns out, so I may find a different way home tomorrow.

This guy is very, very relaxed. Too relaxed. The disorganization is astonishing. I learned today that we needed to order a bunch of equipment to go with what I have been working on – and it all has to ship by the end of day Thursday. I also learned that what I am responsible for shipping is close to double what I had expected. I *think* I can finish in time, but he told someone else that I would be doing a massive upgrade of a mission critical system on Weds???

I see now that all those emails he never sent had to do with his general approach. I don’t understand how someone can manage a department this way.

I was telling my BF tonight that I really like being a contractor as opposed to an employee. It just feels different – don’t ask me why or how. This chaos bothers me, but it would bother me ten times as much if I were an employee.

The project managers sounds like they just have a completely different job. Different boss, different work, different office set up – and probably plenty of work to do, much of which requires social interaction.

Do you think you would be happier if you were working in the office instead of from home?

It’s funny, but I think most of the self-employed/business owners I’ve known have had really positive experiences. I have one friend who is always starting businesses and then running them into the ground – but even he seems to have figured out how to avoid that One of my friends takes six weeks off from his business every summer to go sailing - he can do enough work on the road/ocean to keep things afloat (ha ha).

I also still am not sure what I want to be doing. I’m jealous of people like my BF, who just has one thing that he does well, and he’s very fixated on it. I like to do everything! I don’t mind doing this for a little bit, to pay the bills, save some money, and maybe figure out what I want to launch next…

It’s so ridiculous, but I feel wiped out from the tiny bit I *am* working. I haven’t done anything to move any other business options forward.

I hope you are over your chocolate withdrawal and keeping temptation at bay! I was surprised to step on the scale and see that I hadn’t gained any weight given the lousy way I’ve been eating – but I shoveled 40 minutes tonight, so I guess that is burning calories! Is your ankle feeling better?

Hope you made it home safe, and managed to get the mirror replaced! Your manager's level of disorganization sounds sort of like my boss (except he's not exactly laid back, just very "fun" oriented, and not at all detailed oriented!) It can be annoying. I think if you're going to be in charge of people you should actually be capable of tracking details and managing things!

Interesting that it feels so much better to you to be a contractor. Do you think you feel less trapped? Or maybe more valued, in a weird way, since you aren't expected to work extra, unpaid hours?

Yeah, I think you're right - the PMs have a totally different job, even though they work with us, and I doubt that they're ever bored. I think I might be happier in a job where I worked in the office a couple days a week, but could still telecommute as needed. We used to be like that, and it worked well... (can't do that anymore because the now requires you to be in the office 4 or 5 days a week now to qualify for a cubicle, and they're threatening to check VPN records to verify!). The only problem was that when I don't have enough work to do (which happens a lot, it seems like) - I *hated* being stuck in the office with nothing to do. It felt like such a huge waste of time. At least at home I can find ways to entertain myeslf and still be close enough to my computer to watch for incoming emails.

I don't think it's ridiculous to be wiped out from the tiny bit of work you're doing! I find having the work stuff exhausting too... I had to go in to the office for an all-day meeting today (that they really didn't need me for). It was so exhausting. The room was hot and crowded, the stuff they were talking about had nothing to do with me, and I felt nauseous by the end. I came home and took a nap...

I just wish it was easier to find work that was more energizing, rather than exhausting! I'm a bit jealous of your boyfriend as well... I'd really like to have one thing that I could focus on and feel really good at! Instead, I can do lots of things... but I don't feel really great about any of them.

Thanks for the good thoughts! I think I'm permanently addicted to chocolate, but I have managed to avoid it so far this week (the plan is to have one "cheat day" each week, so I'm on target for that). But I felt so awful this afternoon after that meeting, it's a minor miracle that I didn't run out to the store for chocolate and/or cheesecake. I'm still really beat, and about to go hop into bed I think!

The ankle is slowly getting better... my walking is a little better. But it's still bruised, and having some weird stuff going on with my toes. I had a lot of bruising on the outside of the foot, but also on the top, right where the toes connect.... and that spot with the toes just doesn't feel good. It's not helping that someone at work suggested that something might be broken. I told her that I didn't see how I'd be able to put weight on it if it were broken, but she said she had a broken foot once, and was walking around on it completely unaware.

That snow shoveling must be quite a workout!!! That's great that you haven't gained any weight! I'm in the Southeast, so no snow this year... not yet anyway. Are you surviving all the snowstorms ok? The snowstorms in the NE seem to be on the news a lot lately!

Hi again... I hope you were able to get everything you needed shipped today! I meant to mention it last night, but was really completely *exhausted* and could barely put two thoughts together.

And, I think you're right about my job... it is starting to just feel like this huge anchor dragging me down. I need to figure out what to do. Talked to somebody about retirement, and I think (if she's correct) I actually would need to stay 12 more years. That's suddenly feeling like a really LONG time. I'm so ready to be done!

Hope you're enjoying your day today, and getting a little sunshine! I had a stressful morning with work stuff and caved on the chocolate - so not proud of that. Strangely, it's not helping as much as I thought it would either! Bah!

I do think that exploring your options re: your job would make you feel better. Even if you go on an interview and find out that the new job isn't something you would like at all, it will make you feel better about what you do have. There has to be a low stress way to approach it, a baby step version.

Committing to a job for 12 years for retirement benefits doesn’t sound like a great deal to me. A lot can change in 12 years. Companies are dumping their pension obligations. Even governments are backing away from promises they made their employees. My mother has stayed at her job for the retirement, but in hindsight I think she would have been much better off leaving years ago. Now she has reached that retirement age, but that minimum cut off would only give her health insurance and a meager pension i.e. 2-6k a year. She would still need to work.

I can't believe your company is checking VPN logs to keep people out of the office! I really do hope you hear back from that woman at some point - if you just had a different boss it could really change your life. So many people are advocating for you, something has to change soon!

I did manage to get everything shipped and ready. Things kept changing, even three hours before the deadline! I was surprised I was able to complete all of it. I had a quick chat with my friend about the chaos - we're both kind of wondering if it's related to this specific project (they've never done one this big) or if it's something more systemic.

It's really bizarre. My initial impression, that this guy was somehow likable even though he was saying such rude things that first time I talked to him, still holds true. He is very nice, very helpful, extremely relaxed. All the last minute meetings he tried to set up were because he is disorganized and has too much to do.

You are right that being hourly instead of salaried must have something to do with why I am so much happier being a contractor! I also just like that I finally have my own consulting business. It’s weird how much it improves my sense of self. It doesn’t make any rational sense, but I noticed last night at a board meeting that I am much more confident and willing to participate.

I've known people who didn't know their foot was broken, but you could just as easily have strained something in that area. I can’t remember the name of it, but there’s a really common top of foot injury that makes walking painful – I did it to my foot earlier this year and worried it would be permanent, but it did eventually go away.

I'm sorry you caved on the chocolate, but it was a learning experience - maybe next time you will be able to resist a little longer now that you know it doesn't help! I do need to adjust my diet. It's so hard. I eat without thinking.

Off to shovel a roof in preparation for the 20 inches we are going to get tomorrow... this has been a horrible couple of weeks in terms of the weather. I don't remember ever getting this much snow in such a short time.

I know a thing or two about being micromanaged as I've worked in large corporations where people are just numbers on a piece of plastic and eventually I got laid off. Last job I had I injured my neck and shoulders, got tendinitis, and carpel tunnel from a variety of factors in that job and the stress that it brought. I'm happy I don't work there anymore and I too feel like I have PTSD from that job and it was 7 years ago!

i am proud of you!!!

I'm glad you were able to get everything shipped and taken care of, awesome! And, that's just so weird that your boss ended up being so laid back... I guess it's a good lesson, I just wouldn't have pegged him that way from what you said, although now that you know the whole story, it makes sense. Interesting.

And, hmm... that's really interesting (and cool!) that having your company up and running and making money improves your sense of self! Did the board meeting go better (I'm assuming it's the same one that you went to previously, where you didn't feel like you clicked or fit in?) It sounds almost like... (and I'm going way out on a limb here, so it might be wrong)... like there's something in your brain that associates owning your own business with success (as opposed to be an employee in someone else's business)? Not that I blame you, it's definitely something to be proud of!

You're probably right about the job, and about the retirement stuff. It's really hard... I have a good friend that's been with the company forever, and is a really smart, practical guy (and has been a huge help to me, I worked for him practically out of school). He's the one that's telling me that with all the time I have in at this place, I'm getting to the point where it just doesn't make sense to leave. But, I don't think I can do 12 more years with my current boss. Did I tell you about my recent review? It was basically all "average" type scores. I very politely and appropriately asked how else I could support him and what I needed to be doing to get better scores and he said, "You're doing great, this is a great review, don't worry about it!". Sigh. So not helpful.

I got to talk to my friend today, briefly before her baby woke up. She's still not thrilled about the move, and she's definitely quitting the telecommuting job (the other group really wanted her to stay on, in fact, when she called her boss to tell him that she needed to quit, he really tried everything to get her to stay, including part time hours, and as it is, she was having to get in touch with HR b/c she's about to start getting paychecks again - and she's not sure they're going to actually put through her resignation!!!)

Anyway, she hasn't talked to her friend (the woman she introduced me to) but encouraged me to just go ahead and email her. She couldn't think of any reason that they wouldn't have gotten back to me, she said they were all excited about bringing me over (including her boss), and she knows my work and doesn't think I could have scared them away. And, they really need someone now that she's not coming back, and her friend is preparing to leave for maternity leave (!). Ha - it's a little scary - I'm not sure I can really take over things for the both of them! But, good to know. I had to go in to the office for meetings this afternoon, so I'll drop her a note on Monday. I still don't 100% know that it's going to be a great wonderful fit for me, but at least the group sounds better, so I'm hoping. It's hard, I feel so out of practice with everything - it's really hard to feel competent when you're not actually doing a lot. Yikes.

And yeah on the eating! It's hard. I find that the chocolate is so much of a comfort food for me (but also really disrupts my sleep, which I don't need!) - plus it's comfort I can indulge in *while* working, as opposed to say... curling up in bed and watching TV!

The foot and toes are still feeling wrong. It's not a high level of pain, just general discomfort (with occasional high pain if I bend it wrong). It's just starting to really wear on me, and freak me out a bit. Do you think it's weird to go to an urgent care place like... two and a half weeks after an injury? I've only seen my primary doc once, ever, and I think urgent care probably has more experience with this type of thing. I don't know... my experience with sprained ankles is they just seem to wrap them up and tell you to put ice on them and rest them... I just hate to pay for that, if it's something that will hopefully heal on its own!

Stay warm, and good luck with all the snow! Shoveling a roof? Wow... I can't even imagine... be careful up there! Oh, and enjoy your Valentines Day!

Did you send the email?! I hope you get this! That's too bad that your friend is unhappy about her move. I hope it turns out to be better than it has been so far for her. It sounds like a really awesome opportunity for you, though - it might be fun to take over for both of them after all this time with too little to do!

I agree that it's really hard to feel competent when you haven't been doing much - but it will come back to you. I watched some videos and fooled around with some tutorials briefly the weekend before last and now I feel just as comfortable as I ever did with some of the network admin stuff I haven't done in years. I still have to google a ton, but thankfully no one is looking over my shoulder anymore!

Ugh, I hate the average reviews. I know that I have a tendency to correlate the 1-5 scoring system that seems commonly used with elementary school grades. C is bad. I don't want a C.

I don't think it's weird to go to an urgent care place, but I am probably the wrong person to ask about it since I would rather use Google than pay for someone to tell me to take Advil. Foot stuff tends to be difficult to diagnose, I think, so you might be better off getting a referral to a specialist and not bothering with someone general at all.

Are you taking advil? I only recently learned that it actually reduces inflammation and helps heal those kinds of injuries. I always just thought of it as a pain killer.

I gave up on shoveling the roof after about two minutes. We bought a roof rake and my BF (who is a foot taller!) did it. The storm missed us, thankfully, too - seems funny to be happy about getting six inches!

I am feeling overwhelmed with this job. I don't get enough time home alone.

Also, when I read your sentence about chocolate, I started searching my house for something sweet to eat. I turned up empty handed because I've already eaten all of the sweet stuff... but I want something tasty!

Hi!

Yup, I sent the email. I kept it pretty short, and replied to the last email that I had sent her (for context). Just told her that I hope things are going well, and I wanted to see if she needed anything else from me. No reply yet...

When I talked to my friend, she was confused. She said that both this woman, and their boss, were eager to hire me after my friend talked to them, and that there were no roadblocks. So, I don't know what's going on. This woman is also pregnant, and going to be heading off to maternity leave pretty soon - so hopefully she's not having any problems with that.

I don't know. I'm honestly nervous about the job, and not 100% sure it would be a great fit. But, it's got to be better than staying where I'm at. So, we'll see what happens. I did mean to start poking around online to see if there's anything interesting, but with the ankle (and the normal stress of trying to wrap my brain around therapy), I haven't yet.

I went to Urgent Care Sunday night. The doc moved my foot around, and (of course) nothing hurt. They did xrays and the doc basically told me he thinks it's just soft tissue damage, and to go ahead and do my walking, do some stretches for it, and yeah, take advil.

Then they called me yesterday to say that the radiologist saw a spot and thought it *could* be a bone chip/fracture (?). But the doc who saw me thought it might just be a calcium deposit, since I didn't have any pain when he examined me. So, they told me to give it a few more days and if it doesn't get better, to see an orthopedist. Ugh. UGH! I just want it to be better.

Walking is much better, and my toes have finally stopped feeling like they might possibly be broken, so I am rejoicing over that. But, there are certain movements that make me yelp with pain still... and I don't know if that's soft tissue, or fracture. We'll see, I guess. I probably need to actually DO the stretches (I did get out and walk!) but I hate it when it hurts! (I am a wimp!)

The upside was... the assistant guy who took my temperature and everything was kind of cute. Of course, I do not know how to flirt at all, and can't judge age, so no clue if he was age-appropriate. But I haven't really dated forever, and it's nice to know that there are still people out there that come across as nice as date-able for me.

I'm glad the network admin stuff is coming back for you! And, that your BF took over the roof-raking duties and that the storm missed you! That's got to be a relief. I think everyone is ready for this winter to be done! You know, I had never heard of anyone having to shovel a roof before (I lived in the south for most of my life, snow is generally an anomaly!) but after you mentioned it, I saw people on CNN (I think) shoveling the roof of a school during the snow coverage they did! Does the snow not just... um... fall off? I guess not? It's funny to think about things like that... that everyone (I assume) in a certain part of the country knows, but that are totally foreign in another part!

Sorry for putting you on the hunt for chocolate! It's sooo good, and sooo bad! I hate that it screws up my sleep. I think it's the "theobromine", apparently it's similar to caffeine, but supposedly "gentler" with a longer half-life. So, by the time it peaks for me, it's like 8 hours later and I can't sleep. It's rotten, but so tasty :-/ !

Halfway through the week!

Oh wow, so much maternity leave in this group! That makes it easier to understand why she hasn't gotten back to you. They must be flat out. Isn't that just so common, businesses not having time to solve their problems because the problems make them so busy?!

I'm glad you saw a cutie at the urgent care place and got the x-rays done. Hopefully this turns out to be soft tissue and goes away, but that you are still having yelp-worthy levels of pain several weeks after is disconcerting. And, yes, stretches! It's crazy how ridiculously hard it is to do those kinds of things!

The way snow behaves on a roof depends on the type of roof and insulation. Snow will fall off the steep roof over the poorly insulated main area of my house, but it has been piling up on the roof of a small unheated addition. I have a space heater in that room this year that has been causing the snow to melt and freeze (the sun does this too). Ice is really heavy and will probably screw up my roof (there's something called ice dams, where the ice builds up underneath the shingles) or make it collapse. I've never had to do this, but we've just gotten so much in such a short period of time.

We are getting another 8 inches today and I am just so over it at this point! It figures that I start working just when I would prefer to keep my car off the road!

Here's hoping that today is less boring than Monday was at work. I don't have enough to do there yet. I am hopefully wrapping up the incredibly boring setting up laptops project today, but there's nothing for me to move onto yet.

I hope you had a better day at work today, and some idea of what you'll move on to after the laptops are done. Being bored at work sucks. I spent most of today doing online training (bleh) that we're required to do, because there's just nothing else for me to do at the moment. I had a couple of emails from a team member that returned from vacation, but otherwise - nothing. I feel like I'm in solitary over here. It doesn't help that it's cold, and I didn't leave the house.

We just got a little dusting of snow! I'm not sure if it's even sticking, it was just a few flurries and a little bit out on my car. It's nice to see, but I'm glad we're not getting piles of it like you are... be careful driving out there! And, careful with that roof!

Yeah, they do have a lot of maternity leave going on! And, they all take a full year off when they have their babies... which is great for them and their kids, but a bit tough to work around. I still haven't heard anything back from her, so I hope she's OK. I'm starting to think it's going to be too late soon to do anything, since she was planning on leaving sometime in March, and I don't know that they'd want to bring me over with *nobody* to ramp me up. I don't know, it sounds crazy, I'm not sure how they're handling it...

Thanks for the good thoughts on the ankle. I did manage to do some stretches for it today... I didn't yelp, just a sharp intake of breath - so maybe that's an improvement. That, or I'm getting better at avoiding things that make it hurt... I'm trying to pay attention and figure out which movements are painful, so I can be better prepared if I do have to go get more treatment.

Take care, and stay warm!

Hope things are going well for you, and you're finding lots of projects at work to stay busy!

Just wanted to give you a little update... I finally heard back from the woman who may be hiring me. Basically she sounds busy, and my friend is definitely not returning, so she said she needs to talk to her boss about what they need to do to bring someone new on to the team. But, she didn't sound at all scared off by the work I shared .

So, either she's going to talk to her boss and try to get me hired (or at least start the process before she leaves for maternity leave, which might be in the next few weeks), or she's going to let me down easy by "talking to her boss" and not having funding to bring on someone else. I don't think that's what's going on though, since she mentioned they may have more flexibility since my friend isn't returning.

I'm still nervous about the move, but my current job is really *depressing*. I think I'd rather be overwhelmed and nervous but able to contribute, rather than bored with nothing to do and no hope of having any interesting work to do.

Ankle is still giving me problems - I am trying to determine if I need to go to an orthopedic type person now. Ughhhh....

Hope you're doing well, and surviving the snow!

Oh wow, I hope this comes through quickly for you! It's hard to imagine how it wouldn't be a huge improvement from what you are doing now -- although how *do* they coordinate things if they have several people on the team going out for a full year?! No wonder she didn't get back to you sooner - could you imagine trying to plan for being out for that length of time??

Today was my first annoying day at the job, the kind of day that makes me think I will be out in a few months. Someone decided to communicate about something with me by posting signs on the wall rather than telling me to my face or via email (and I don't know who it was). My boss was being very micro-managery with me -- and I'm starting to run into situations where I say the problem is caused by X and he just insists that I am wrong.

So, kind of a bummer. I really feel like the problem is me with this stuff, an inability to go with the flow and to let go of irritation.